The loneliness of trying to lose weight

mikebelljr68

I don't know about anyone else but I'm struggling with weight loss because I feel so alone when I'm doing it... friends stop inviting me out... my wife isn't supportive enough... and when people do try to support me they often say things to make things worse... they don't understand how difficult it is and how much my own depression and anxiety play a part in my weight. I feel alone... i don't have any support system.

If you have similar issues and have overcome them please give me some advice

wifentype

I dont have anybody neither.... I learned to be my own support system... Everytime i walk, i wamna go sit down but i just say u can make lets get 2 more laps in and i do it.... Push yourself. Ive been so depressed i felt like killing myself so many times but as i see the weight dropping even just 1 pound I did it. Keep pushing pushing.

vespiquenn

Are you seeking professional help for your anxiety/depression? It sounds like the depression could be clouding your judgement. Unfortunately, this is your journey, no one else's. So you can't expect your wife or friends to jump on the band wagon of support. Now that isn't to say they should be making negative comments, but that's not how it seems to be.

In regards to them commenting at all, how much do you talk about it? If you're someone that brings your weight loss journey up, then maybe it's time to stop. It's the blunt truth, but no one cares. I hope that your wife is happy you're taking the initiative to get healthy, but usually it stops there. If you're skipping out on friend time, is it because food is involved? If that's the case, try researching ahead of time of places to eat, make suggestions of somewhere with healthy decisions. Suggest to do something more active. If those don't work, you could look into banking calories to allow for an indulgent night out. Weight loss doesn't need to make you feel alone. It just means you need to take a few extra steps. And all of this is coming from someone that suffers from anxiety and bipolar, so I know that sometimes it's rough as hell.

NannersBalletLegs

Maybe start a fitness and/or diet group on Meetup.com so you can meet lots of folks from your area who are interested in the same things as you? Or, better yet, see if someone else has already started a group so you don't have to pay a fee to maintain the page, lol. I always see lots of hiking groups on Meetup everywhere I've lived over the past 7 years or so. You can organize the meetups so they're at a public place like a gym or a coffee shop or something like that. Good luck!

Unknown

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everher

The whole reason I started hanging out on the MFP forums was for support and I found it in spades. If there was something I wanted to talk about or a question I wanted to ask I would start a thread here. I also befriended a lot of like minded people here and would communicate with them. I've joined a few groups here as well. The whole nine yards.

I realized that I did need support outside of myself and the people in my day to day life didn't understand where I was coming from because it wasn't something they were going through.

megomerrett

Is this because they think you're no fun if you're not eating shedloads or drinking heavily?

How much exercise are you getting? I find that I feel lower if I only make changes to my diet and don't work out so much.

Maybe find a sport or gym class that really appeals to you - you can mix with like minded people, it's social but your fitness, health and wellbeing also impact on the team so they shouldn't give you grief for watching your food and working out.

How long have you been doing this? Once you've been at it long enough to see physical changes and to feel mentally and emotionally more in control, proud, healthy and happy perhaps you'll get a different vibe from friends.

Maybe you've changed your habits really drastically. My friends and family haven't noticed much change in what I'm eating because I eat normally at family meals and social events. I've made the biggest changes to breakfast and lunch and I've been exercising waaaaay more.

Don't let feeling isolated drive you away from getting fitter and healthier because you'll still feel down and disappointed in yourself.

leadslinger17

Look_Its_Kriss wrote: »

Sometimes people don't know how to actually be the right kind of supportive.
When we suffer from depression and anxiety the feeling of reaching out and feeling like no one is grabbing your hand can make that feeling of being unsupported more intense.

This is really insightful. I know there have been times I have thought I am being supportive, and I'm told I'm not. Or trying to give helpful advice can be taken as critical. I get it though... there is a difference too between someone congratulating you on a goal who doesn't understand it and someone that actually has tried something similar and gets the difficulty in it. Look for people who have similar goals and you won't feel so lonely.

ptsmiles

vespiquenn wrote: »

In regards to them commenting at all, how much do you talk about it? If you're someone that brings your weight loss journey up, then maybe it's time to stop. It's the blunt truth, but no one cares.

I'm not sure I completely agree with that statement. If it is someone who is your friend/family member or someone you consider a support system, then why would they not care?

ptsmiles

@mikebelljr68 I'm sorry that you are feeling lonely. At the very least, you can find some support on here. I also feel like this is a solo battle. I have found some good support on here.

RunawayCurves

I also find depression and anxiety are constantly undoing my efforts. 25 years of therapy, pils and potions has not touched the depression. When finding the will to go on living is such a daily effort finding the will to stick with anything else long term is an almost impossible ask. Have to keep trying though because there is no other choice.

CorneliusPhoton

Look_Its_Kriss wrote: »

Sometimes people don't know how to actually be the right kind of supportive.
When we suffer from depression and anxiety the feeling of reaching out and feeling like no one is grabbing your hand can make that feeling of being unsupported more intense.
coupled with our own expectations of what we need to do to lose weight. If we jump into a weight loss thinking its gonna be all salads and health foods and the people around us are doing that, it can make us feel lonely because we just haven't got the puzzle pieces put together right.

Everyone has a goal in mind for their nutrition.
But sometimes it takes a few hops and skips and jumps before we can execute those things properly.

If i was an over weight person struggling with anxiety and depression i would first seek out a medication to help with that, then once i was level i would decide what my nutritional goals would be, if you wanted to be a whole foods eater, gradually ease into it. Maybe decide that for the next 2 weeks, lunch will be only whole foods and supper will simply be foods within your calorie goal.

If your wife makes pizza lets say for dinner. Work the calories out, have a couple slices with her. Pair it with a salad or something to make it a more volumized meal and then watch yourself progress... and as you progress others will probably have had time to learn how to support you but it will also be easier for them to do so because you really don't need them to be your crutch anymore to hold you up, they can finally walk beside you

This is kind of how I handled it. I cook regular meals for my husband and daughter, but eat less of it and just add a salad or more veggies instead of the bread and pasta. When we go out, I order meals that are based on meats and vegetables only. No bread. Almost every restaurant has a salad with grilled chicken on it, and you can get cheeseburgers wrapped in lettuce.

As for getting support from other people, I found it best to just not make it an issue and never talked about it. I had my plan and didn't want to become confused (or irritated) by varying points of view and unsolicited advice. I didn't want them watching me to see if my plan was working or not, didn't want them judging me or asking me if I had lost any weight yet. Ever. They just realized one day that I had lost 20 lbs and asked how I did it. That I can handle.

It's a tricky situation being depressed, in need of human interaction, but at the same time isolating yourself. When I isolate myself, I wonder if I'm unconsciously trying to moderate how others interact with me. Maybe I isolate myself to prevent others from saying the wrong thing. But then when they say nothing, it just adds to the depression and isolation.

One of the best things you can do for your depression is get into an exercise routine. Even if it is just walking for 30-40 minutes per day, start by making that change and don't stop. Connect with people here on MFP too! Best to you.

Geocitiesuser

You can't rely on the emotional support of anyone but yourself. You are your own best friend. You are the only person who will always be at yourside.

KosmosKitten

I deal with both anxiety and depression, both of which led me down a dark road the last seven or so years. I have opted to seek help, but did not choose medication (it was offered and I refused). I found that by at least being able to talk to someone about my anxiety (since that is the major contributor to my depression), that it offered an outside vantage and assistance I did not have before.

That is not to say that it fixed things (if only things in life were so simple), but that it gave me the step up I needed to start taking my health into consideration. Unfortunately, it also meant I had to distance myself from some "friends" who either had their own anxiety/depression issues and weren't seeking help or people who were just plain unsupportive.

I also had to realize that even when people say things that they think are supportive, just because I don't take them that way doesn't mean they were being malicious in their intent. It simply means that my perspective puts a twist on the words others say. I find it's best to just keep my mouth shut unless it's blatantly obvious someone is not being supportive and petty.

It's extremely hard living life with anxiety driven depression because not only are you your own worst enemy, you think the worst of everything, and that includes the words of people who actually do care about you.

As to the suggestions, I like the idea of parceling out (in moderation) foods you enjoy (and can enjoy with your spouse) while pairing it with something that's probably a little more healthy (like pizza and a big salad). We have pizza in this house every Friday.. and while I can sit and watch my husband eat half a pizza and gain no weight, I cannot do that. I content myself with the one slice and usually pair it with a breadstick and a veggie. I also eat extremely little that day because I know what's being served come dinner time.

For exercise? Sadly, I have had to rely on myself. My husband and I have pretty different schedules and he has to maintain weight for his job, so he exercises super early in the morning at work. I can't do that, so I just squeeze it in when I can. It's frustrating not having the support, but I realized pretty early on the first time I did this (when I lived in Japan, alone, with a child and virtually no support), that you can really only ever rely on yourself.

If you can't motivate yourself, you have to examine that first before you can hope to succeed. It's not just about your "want" being strong enough (since that gets thrown around here a lot), but also about you, yourself. If something internal isn't quite right.. or you find you keep sabotaging yourself because you are depressed or (in my case) I dislike other people seeing me exercise, you have to examine why that is and move on from there.. and work out strategies that work for you.

It's tough, but that's why communities like this exist online.

crashmandi

Just to add another perspective to the discussion: I run and I have started running a lot. I run to combat my depression and it really does boost my mood considerably. I have found myself so low on the days that i can't fit a run in and it's really shown me the benefits of good cardio exercise. The second thing I do to help me on my journey is that I run with my dog, walk with my dog, do weights at home with my dog. She's my constant. I'm a single woman living on my own and in a situation at work where I'm isolated at times, so lonliness in general is a big factor for me. By sharing a lot of my exercise with my dog it's helped me feel less alone and she provides me with a lot of motivation on days I'm struggling to get out of bed for a workout. I'm not saying animal companionship can compare to human relationships, but if you're unable to find someone to build up that support for you it can be another option.

GemstoneofHeart

I feel you! It is lonely. People struggling with their own weight are jealous and want you to fail. Thin people see you as a new threat or they think you'll never stick with it or don't understand how you could be so "foolish" to be so fat in the first place. Of course it's not everyone but I have experienced those reactions a lot...
I come here to the forums every single day to read others motivation and see success stories. I comment as much as I can on things to feel like part of a like minded community. I stay away from the dumb game discussions or things that don't have to do with health or weight loss because i feel it's a waste of my time (sorry just my opinion). I would encourage you to partake in the forums to keep your goals at the top of your mind on a daily basis. Writing stuff out even to people you've never met may help you feel accountable.
I'm really sorry your spouse is not supportive. That makes things so hard. I hope that you inspire her to make changes or at least cheer you on.

JeromeBarry1

I've got the opposite problem. In an office of 24 persons, my weight loss has caused 6 others to start trying to lose weight, and 2 of them have reached their goals.

GemstoneofHeart

JeromeBarry1 wrote: »

I've got the opposite problem. In an office of 24 persons, my weight loss has caused 6 others to start trying to lose weight, and 2 of them have reached their goals.

Wow, my office is 35 people and I have maybe 3 people who want me to succeed? Everyone else ignores my progress and talks about how fat they are in front of me to make me feel bad. I wish my office was more supportive.

mmenuey27

As for getting support from other people, I found it best to just not make it an issue and never talked about it. I had my plan and didn't want to become confused (or irritated) by varying points of view and unsolicited advice. I didn't want them watching me to see if my plan was working or not, didn't want them judging me or asking me if I had lost any weight yet. Ever. They just realized one day that I had lost 20 lbs and asked how I did it. That I can handle.

This I like. It's easier for me to stay focused if people aren't hovering over me. My motivation is internal and having others give me advise for something they are not personally going through doesn't even make sense, and it causes more stress then necessary.