Is it jealousy....?

sublimecoyote

Hi all.

Over the past year or so I have lost around 18kgs or 40lbs I am getting very close to my UGW. And I have recently experienced some snide comments from my sister about my current size.
For the past 10 years she has been the thin sister and I have been the fat sister and now that dynamic is changing. I have started to purchase new clothing and she really doesn't like to fact that we can now wear the same size clothing.
She tries to push me into buying the bigger size when shopping when it's clear that I need a smaller size.

She has yelled at me over the phone because I bought a bikini for the upcoming summer as motivation to lose the last few kgs, telling me that I should have bought the large not medium since that what she wears.

Even though our body types are very different she is taller with long legs I have short legs long torso with a large bust and I have had a child it just seems strange that she is so threatened by my weight loss

What do you guys think....?

ldnmaggie

What do i think?!

Sorry, but i think she needs to get the *kitten* over herself!
She is CLEARLY jealous.

All the best. :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

leilaphoenix

Seems pretty obvious that your sister has a problem.

keithmustloseweight

[img]http://www.*****esbecrazy.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/*****es-be-crazy-newtons-law.jpg[/img]


Yes it's jealousy. Women are extremely competitive, but sometimes instead of improving themselves just try and drag their competitors below whatever their current state is via sabotage.

NumbrsNerd

What do i think?!

Sorry, but i think she needs to get the *kitten* over herself!
She is CLEARLY jealous.

All the best. :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

This!

Sylvitryinghard

kindergarten.....be proud of yourself

caramelgyrlk

Sounds like you never posed a threat to her before until now. I would agree that it is jealousy.

Perhaps it is time to have a heart to heart with your sister and let her know how her remarks and actions are making you feel. Family is the last place you should have to experience discouragement and negativity.

I hope nothing but the best for you in this situation.

lauren3101

Yep, jealousy. She's used to being the slim sister and now she has 'competition', as it were. Do what you want to do and ignore her, she will get over it.

rushikareddy

Lol! Wow! Firstly , take it as a compliment ! Secondly, ask your sister to get over herself ! And thirdly, congrats on the weight loss ! keep going!

Fit4_Life

Yeppers~ Jealousy! You may have to start shopping alone. If she questions you why she wasn't invited to go shopping with you..then have a heart to heart talk with her.

Best of luck..:flowerforyou:

luckynky

I would say that there may be something more than jealousy at work here. You are upsetting your sister's idea of a fixed reality. I don't know how old you guys are, but if you're middle aged or older, your sister has lived a long time with this idea of "how things are" regarding what you both look like in comparison to one-another. Strangely, someone can base a lot of their life around what someone else (someone close to them) is like. This is how some people define themselves. So by you changing something drastically about yourself, your sister has to redefine herself.

Think of it this way: Is it light or dark outside? Well, that depends on relativity. If it is 5:00 a.m. and you were awake when it was pitch black, a dim light coming over the horizon may make it seem like it's light outside. But, if you were awake all day, the same amount of light at 8:00 pm may make it seem like it's dark outside.

So what I'm saying is that your sister always thought she was the thin one because she has based her appearance and maybe some of her self-worth by comparing herself to you, even if she has done so self-consciously. She is uncomfortable with you changing, maybe because she is re-evaluating herself and she doesn't like what she's seeing.

Doodlewhopper

Hard to tell as we only have your version of the events. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle.

jxspxr

Well that's pretty clear - she is REALLY jealous.

Hard to tell as we only have your version of the events. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle.

(although he has a point here too).

I can understand the feelings of your sister though, since I was there a year ago or so. I was always the athletic brother who was into sports and known to be good at it, and my brother was also into sports, but not terribly good and he was heavier. Well, he lost weight, so he was somewhere around 80 kg, and I started approaching 100 kg around that time. So, the roles where changed and of course I was not happy about this. But rest assured, I did not express those feelings and I did express my respect for my brother.

But I really understand the feelings your sister has. Perhaps it might be worthwhile to talk about it with her - confront her with her jealousy (she'll know you are right), but also communicate that you appreciate her and don't intend to compete with her - that she has nothing to fear from you.

If that'll not work, yeah, just ignore her and wait for her "phase" to get over.

lsmsrbls

[img]http://www.*****esbecrazy.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/*****es-be-crazy-newtons-law.jpg[/img]


Yes it's jealousy. Women are extremely competitive, but sometimes instead of improving themselves just try and drag their competitors below whatever their current state is via sabotage.

Gee, I'm so glad we have a man here to tell us what motivates women.

Machafin

Wow. pathetic jealousy.

TheGymGypsy

For the first time in my life, I am smaller then my younger sister. She has admitted she is envious but she is not willing to put in the work that I have to be this size. She can enjoy her ice cream while I watch enviously, and I can enjoy my bikini and she can be jealous. :P

jumpthemoon

Jealous? Sure sounds like it to me! Be proud of your accomplishments, get the clothes you really want and enjoy your "new" self! I wouldn't go shopping with her or tell her you purchased new things for yourself if all she does is try to make you feel bad. That's not being a very supportive sister. Stay positive and keep up the good work! Congratulations!

jxspxr

[img]http://www.*****esbecrazy.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/*****es-be-crazy-newtons-law.jpg[/img]


Yes it's jealousy. Women are extremely competitive, but sometimes instead of improving themselves just try and drag their competitors below whatever their current state is via sabotage.

Gee, I'm so glad we have a man here to tell us what motivates women.

Ha, I agree that the man who posted that made a big generalization. Of course everyone is unique, but general patters in behaviour of men and women can be distinquished (though it's more like: most women have the tendence to ask like this and that, few men do this... I mean there are always exceptions). So far my politically correct introduction.

I agree with his point that this phenomenon is much stronger in women, at least that it's almost absent in men; I am a man and I don't have much tendency to compete with others in this way - sure I compete, but (like the example that I told about my brother), it just creates a desire to work on myself. Men are much more concerned with the group - they want to get things done together, we don't want to waste time dragging each other down - and if we have a problem with someone, we either suck it in or we confront the person. When I compete with people, I am also concerned with honor - which means that I don't let other people mess with me, but also that I have to work on my integrity and be bold enough to see the weaknesses and mistakes of myself and admit them if they negatively affect someone.

Ok reading this back I don't think I made a solid point here, I think I may not be the typical man here , I can't judge what women are like but it's even difficult to generalize about my fellow men, even though I've thought and read a LOT about the topic. What I am sure of is that I don't this behavior much in myself and in other men, while I remember observing it with women more often. It could be I have a cultural bias that I don't know of, but seems like a logical conclusion that this is more of a woman thing.

Last thing is that I know a LOT of women that don't act like this. Most women I'd say. So my hypothesis is that the tendency to act like this is stronger on average in women then in men, but that most grow up to resist it.

Interested in hearing your thoughts on this!

danie1030

What do i think?!

Sorry, but i think she needs to get the *kitten* over herself!
She is CLEARLY jealous.

All the best. :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

exactly my thoughts. she has no right telling you to buy bigger clothing. she has problems and doesn't know how to freaking congratulate someone. you go girl.

gigglybeth

I agree with the other poster that it's not simple jealous ("You have something I want!"), but more like she perceives the power balance shifting. She has always lived in a world where she was the thin one and you were the not thin one, now that is changing and she is doing whatever she can in an effort to change it back.

But- she needs to suck it up, realize she's acting like a jealous middle schooler instead of an adult, and grow the hell up. She must not have a very good sense of self to have her identity so wrapped up in another person's looks.

JDHINAZ

So, two things. Yes, I think she has some internal conflict with your weight loss, that shows as jealousy.

Second, do you always shop with her and tell her what size clothing you are purchasing? If so, stop. It's triggering her somehow. I'm not blaming you, just saying that she's not in a place where she can celebrate your weight loss with you. If you like spending time together, do something that doesn't not involve shopping. If you like to talk on the phone, don't bring up your weight loss. I'm not suggesting you not celebrate your success, but are there other topics you can discuss with your sister? Clearly,she's an important person to you, so I'm just trying to think of ways you can continue your relationship without it becoming stressful.

And if she continues to harp on it, tell her you don't want to discuss it with her, since you've worked hard and have a right to be proud of your success without her being critical. Don't be apologetic, just don't poke the bear.

And congrats! I'd LOVE to be in a bikini some day!

garber6th

Growing up, my sister was always smaller than I was. A while back when I had lost a TON of weight, and I was smaller than my sister for the first time in my life, she seriously lost her *kitten*. She was telling me I looked sick, I was becoming obsessive, commented on how much I ate and exercised, told me I couldn't possibly be wearing the size I was wearing, and on and on and on.. She was more obsessed with my weight loss than I was. I think there was definitely jealousy, but more so it was her insecurity. She is like that with anyone who loses weight or gets smaller than her. I think what's difficult about a situation like what I had with my sister and what you have with yours is that you would expect, or at least hope, that someone in your own family would be more supportive of your success, especially when it's for your own good! Keep up the good work :-)

Monkey_Business

When you are at the beach in your sexy little bikini, buy her an ice cream :-)

StarGeezer

I think there's some quality insight here, and I might drill down a bit deeper on some of the dynamics going on.

It goes without saying that we live in an image-driven society. Everyone (and particularly women) is undergoing a sort of social programming to some marketing concept of physical perfection. Those who are slim are perceived to be more fit, more attractive, more desirable and more successful. Social groups (family, friends, coworkers, etc.) tend to gauge where they fit in the pecking order based on where they fall on the spectrum of this idealized notion.

When someone breaks out of the mold and re-orients him-/herself along this spectrum, this basically forces a re-shuffling of everyone else in the group (even if that group only has two members.) As a rule, most people aren't real keen on change...there's a certain predictability and comfortability in the status quo. Perhaps without consciously realizing it, your sister's paradigm within your relationship has begun to shift. She may be perceiving her position as the "alpha" being threatened, and without really realizing it has been taking steps to reassert herself in the role to which she has long become accustomed.

Depending on the nature of your relationship, you can either gently address these issues with her, perhaps inquiring why she may feel threatened or off-put by your success. Or if you don't believe she would be open to such a level of candor, you can adopt a "water off a duck's back" approach, and just let the comments and suggestions roll off and you can continue on your merry way. Either way, the onus is fully on your sister to come to grips to the new state of things with regard to body image; both her own and yours.

Congrats on your success! Best of luck!

cadaverousbones

It does sound like she is jealous.. Maybe instead of confronting her in a rude way, you can also encourage her to get in better shape? Invite her to go workout or go on a nice walk after a healthy lunch together? Remember you only get one family!

Th3stral

I would say that there may be something more than jealousy at work here. You are upsetting your sister's idea of a fixed reality. I don't know how old you guys are, but if you're middle aged or older, your sister has lived a long time with this idea of "how things are" regarding what you both look like in comparison to one-another. Strangely, someone can base a lot of their life around what someone else (someone close to them) is like. This is how some people define themselves. So by you changing something drastically about yourself, your sister has to redefine herself.

Think of it this way: Is it light or dark outside? Well, that depends on relativity. If it is 5:00 a.m. and you were awake when it was pitch black, a dim light coming over the horizon may make it seem like it's light outside. But, if you were awake all day, the same amount of light at 8:00 pm may make it seem like it's dark outside.

So what I'm saying is that your sister always thought she was the thin one because she has based her appearance and maybe some of her self-worth by comparing herself to you, even if she has done so self-consciously. She is uncomfortable with you changing, maybe because she is re-evaluating herself and she doesn't like what she's seeing.

Excellent insight. May people who are perhaps lacking self worth, or self confidence can build their existence around the qualities of someone else. It's not healthy way to function, but it's a reality for many people. It's such a shame some people use their justification for confidence on the fact they are slimmer, cleverer, more qualified, more attractive, funnier, sportier etc than someone comparable to themselves (like a sibling or close friend).

OP - you are changing all that, you are changing the dynamic of the relationship your sister has built with you and she is pushing back against it. You are improving yourself so she either has to improve herself to keep up with you (which requires effort), she has to accept that you have changed everything and deal with it to be able to move on. OR she can take the lazy and childish route of trying to sabotage (rather than support) you.

If she's normally sensible then it's worth picking your moment and talking to her about it. If your usually her 'go to' person to chat when she needs that person to lean on she may struggle to process it without you.

keithmustloseweight

Gee, I'm so glad we have a man here to tell us what motivates women.

Your welcome