What Should I do With a Negative Person?

OMAChiver

Pretty pissed off at my wife. I have put in a lot of hard work, dedication, and sacrifice over the last year to get where I am today. I am in a completely different place physically, mentally, and emotionally than I was a year ago. Not only have I dropped over 200 pounds and 40% body fat, I have become extremely active and driven in everything I do. My previously constant procrastination is non-existent. If something needs to be done, I do it, immediately, with 110% effort and attention to detail. To me, all of these things sound like positive character traits. To my wife? They are targets for ridicule and negative jabs.

I know that her anger and negativity is actually directed at herself. For a long time, she was the fit and active person while I tried to keep up and then eventually gave up. What pisses me off is the fact that her issues with her own body and image translate into lashing out at me for making positive change in MY life. You want to be fat and lazy? That's your CHOICE!! "Don't try to bring me down because you are guilty that you stuff your face full of fast food on a daily basis and always find an excuse to NOT workout! If you aren't going to be supportive of my positive life transformation then just keep your mouth shut!! I don't go around poking your fat rolls and telling you that you need to exercise or stop eating junk food!"

She is my wife! She should be my biggest champion and cheerleader!! Instead, she is the ONLY person who is actively trying to tear me down mentally and pushing me to backslide physically!!!

Pissed off doesn't even BEGIN to describe how I'm feeling right now!!

EauRouge1

Wait, did you just call your wife fat and lazy?

TavistockToad

i wouldn't suggest calling her fat and lazy, but have you spoken to your wife about how you feel??

i know, communication in a relationship sound crazy, but you may as well give it a try...

Joanna2012B

EauRouge1 wrote: »

Wait, did you just call your wife fat and lazy?

That struck a chord with me too! She could be going through things emotionally and although what she is doing is wrong, she may have her own issues. Have you tried telling her how you feel with her behaviours?

tabletop_joe

Sounds toxic. Weight loss can do crazy things to both partners. You need counseling if you want to stay married.

ninerbuff

Let's hear her side of the story and then we'll make a an opinion.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

Macy9336

It sounds like while you may have experienced great success, your wife is a bit left behind in the dust. You say she used to be the fit one, and you also gave up on keeping up with her. Perhaps the tables are turned and she has given up this time? I'd talk to her and tell her that you are her biggest cheerleader and try and help her become fit and healthy again. She may also be suffering from depression....depressed people can be very hard to live with as they are constantly negative. So, in short sounds like your wife needs you now more than you need her.

Lizzy622

Having an honest conversation without gabs or poking at the sore spots is the cure. Easier said than done. My husband and I have similarly changed positions. Although I would like to see him take better care of himself I know I can't force him. He did lash out but now accepts that I am living a healthier lifestyle which he is welcome to join me in but I am not stopping because he isn't coming along.

catgerm

Is there a way u could support her?

It's interesting to me that when one partner loses, the other doesn't follow suit. I started eating better, and my husband eats whatever I make. So h s been losing. I started working out more, and so it's motivated him to get back to the gym.

Maybe she needs u to go on walks w her or make dinner a few nights a week. It may help get her feel like ur on the same team.

roamingtiger

Maybe something emotional/mental is going on with her. Bring up couple's therapy and individual, but in a supportive way.
Also, you should think twice about calling your wife fat and lazy.

Alatariel75

You sound like you've made some pretty major changes, not just to body but to your way of thinking and behaviorally. It can be very rough on a long term relationship when one partner makes big lifestyle changes and changes effectively who they are as a person. It's easy to think that because the changes in yourself are for the better, the other person ought to be happy and supportive, but facts are facts and when you make major changes as a person, you affect the people around you, who may have been perfectly happy with the way you were before.

Now, I'm not saying that your wife might not be being rude or unsupportive, but on the flip - is there a potential that you've become a bit of a jerk along with your changes? Or where you used to be laid back and relaxed, you're now maybe uptight and demanding? Or maybe she feels like you're being judgmental of her now that you've made changes for the better? Maybe you should try and imagine what her post on here would say about you. It could be along the lines of: "He used to be really laid back and happy go lucky, now he's just go-go-go and demands immediate action and everything has to be to this really high standard, and it's exhausting. "

I think the bottom line here is that a dynamic in your relationship has fundamentally changed and now it appears that you and your wife have a conflict over it. You sound pretty angry at her. Not just for being unsupportive, but for not having made the same changes you have. Maybe she's picking up on that.

I'm just putting forward the proposition that what you're emphasis are the positive character traits that you've developed may not be coming off as so positive to her.

Debmal77

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lorrpb

Please see a marriage counselor to help you guys get on the same page!

elisa123gal

okay...so you vented here. Please don't say those awful things to your wife. Don't let the confidence you've gained in getting control of your weight and reaching goals turn into arrogance and intolerance for those who yet to find the willpower to change.

All of us married folks on here deal with our partners working against us at times..even our parents and loved ones do it. .. They feel threatened when someone close to them changes..it can be scary.. they can feel left behind.. or life isn't the same...and they also realize that they are stuck and they act out.

just be sure you put as much effort into being kind and understanding of your wife as you do at tackling all your goals.

SLLRunner

Congratulations on your weight loss!

Talk to your wife about your feelings, but also listen to her feelings as well. Think about getting some help from a marriage counselor.

It sounds like you are no longer the same person she married, and that might be the core issue here.

Is she the same person you married?

And the things you said in your original post: not nice. Don't say them to her. Don't even think them while you're talking with her because that head-game will get into the way of any healthy communication.

Edited to add: when I lost over 40 lbs, my partner said I no longer seemed like the same person. He gave me examples and talked about how he felt. I talked about my feelings as well. When we talked, things pretty much resolved themselves. Give it time too.

LAMCDylan

Some people are able to control relationships because the other person was needy, had low self-esteem, or something similar. Once that dynamics shifts they lose control. It is insecurity in the fact they feel they no longer have that one thing they were using to keep you under their control . If you start feeling confident, attractive, less dependent they fear you won't need them, or worse, you will leave them for some one else because you will realize how crappy they are/were. Putting you down and crushing your self-esteem is how they maintain control.

estherdragonbat

LAMCDylan wrote: »

Some people are able to control relationships because the other person was needy, had low self-esteem, or something similar. Once that dynamics shifts they lose control. It is insecurity in the fact they feel they no longer have that one thing they were using to keep you under their control . If you start feeling confident, attractive, less dependent they fear you won't need them, or worse, you will leave them for some one else because you will realize how crappy they are/were. Putting you down and crushing your self-esteem is how they maintain control.

Word. In one of my earlier attempts at weight-loss, I was still single and sharing an apartment with a roommate I now recognize was needy and manipulative. Our relationship eventually became co-dependent. And as my weight started to drop and I started feeling better about myself, she started to sabotage me. I don't know whether it was deliberate. It might not have been. But she kept telling me that I was obsessing over my weight (usually when I passed up the baked goods her mother had brought over) and was going to develop an ED. She made me feel guilty for wanting to spend time outside the apartment, wanting to spend time with other friends... If I did make plans, she would tell me that she was feeling depressed and that it would be 'bad' for her to be alone. Eventually, I got out of there, and got her out of my life, but that was a lousy time for me.

snickerscharlie

OMAChiver wrote: »

Pretty pissed off at my wife. I have put in a lot of hard work, dedication, and sacrifice over the last year to get where I am today. I am in a completely different place physically, mentally, and emotionally than I was a year ago. Not only have I dropped over 200 pounds and 40% body fat, I have become extremely active and driven in everything I do. My previously constant procrastination is non-existent. If something needs to be done, I do it, immediately, with 110% effort and attention to detail. To me, all of these things sound like positive character traits. To my wife? They are targets for ridicule and negative jabs.

I know that her anger and negativity is actually directed at herself. For a long time, she was the fit and active person while I tried to keep up and then eventually gave up. What pisses me off is the fact that her issues with her own body and image translate into lashing out at me for making positive change in MY life. You want to be fat and lazy? That's your CHOICE!! "Don't try to bring me down because you are guilty that you stuff your face full of fast food on a daily basis and always find an excuse to NOT workout! If you aren't going to be supportive of my positive life transformation then just keep your mouth shut!! I don't go around poking your fat rolls and telling you that you need to exercise or stop eating junk food!"

She is my wife! She should be my biggest champion and cheerleader!! Instead, she is the ONLY person who is actively trying to tear me down mentally and pushing me to backslide physically!!!

Pissed off doesn't even BEGIN to describe how I'm feeling right now!!

To the bolded:

If you want her to be your cheerleader, you need to be hers, too. None of what I bolded sounds like the attitude of a loving considerate husband. Far, far from it, actually. I'd tell you what you do sound like, but that would probably garner me a warning.

If I found out my husband had been venting about me in this manner on a public forum, I'd be absolutely livid.

TavistockToad

shame OP never came back...

cessi0909

Being supportive and a cheerleader goes both ways. Sounds to me like you should be talking to her, in an open and honest way of how you are feeling and working to get an understanding of how she is feeling.

pinuplove

TavistockToad wrote: »

shame OP never came back...

Hopefully he realized he sounded like a jackapple and is busy ordering flowers for his wife.

gnoble1001

Congrats on your life style change and weight loss! You wife sounds scared to death of loosing the new you, she's having difficulty relating. Get some professional help and remember what it was like when you were in her shoes.

Chef_Barbell

pinuplove wrote: »

TavistockToad wrote: »

shame OP never came back...

Hopefully he realized he sounded like a jackapple and is busy ordering flowers for his wife.

Maybe she realized and filed for divorce. Smh

BABetter1

elisa123gal wrote: »

okay...so you vented here. Please don't say those awful things to your wife. Don't let the confidence you've gained in getting control of your weight and reaching goals turn into arrogance and intolerance for those who yet to find the willpower to change.

All of us married folks on here deal with our partners working against us at times..even our parents and loved ones do it. .. They feel threatened when someone close to them changes..it can be scary.. they can feel left behind.. or life isn't the same...and they also realize that they are stuck and they act out.

just be sure you put as much effort into being kind and understanding of your wife as you do at tackling all your goals.

100% this.