"baby" weight & letting go

RAGGEDYANN1970

(i also posted this on the general weight loss thread)

after many years of infertility, last year my husband & i conceived a baby while on our anniversary trip to las vegas. it was a miracle and a dream come true. everything went very well for the first 3 months, and all my sonograms were perfect, heart-beat of baby was fine. i gain weight very quickly when i'm pregnant, and sure enough, i put on about 20 lbs. during those 3 months. sadly, our baby had several chromosomal abnormalities, and died when i was 3 months pregnant. i had to have surgery, then 3 months later, had to have a very invasive total hysterectomy. (long story) that was in january of this year. now, i am still holding the weight. i have lost a few lbs. here and there, but i will typically gain it back. (before i got pregnant last year, i had lost 41 lbs in a year)

for me, this is probably 99% psychological. i have done alot of meditating and i feel like i am holding-onto the weight as the last kind of hold on the baby. we won't ever be able to have another baby, and that pregnancy was my very last one. (i have been pregnant 7 times, we have 3 living children)

i am trying really hard, i go to the gym every weekday (and sometimes saturdays) and i eat within my calorie goal almost every day. sometimes i will sabotage myself, and eat cupcakes or drink several sodas in one day. i get so angry with myself and "start over" the next day, only to do it again the following week. then, i had to have ear surgery last month, so that put me back a little more.

i know it's mental, and at this point, i am ready to accept that our baby is gone and move forward, but i'm not sure how to do it as it relates to my body. i feel sad that i "un-did" all the hard work from the previous year when i lost 41 lbs. i hate that i have to do it all over again.

if anyone can relate, please post. sorry to vent so much.