Feedback Pt 2.
bigguybigrib
Posts: 6
in Chit-Chat
So i recently published one of my stories. I love to write these and they help me cope. I'm looking for feedback regarding the vocabulary or anything! Add me, I need all the help I can get.
The package of twizzlers opens easy, you've been down this road enough times to know how to get the job done. All you had to do was sink you teeth into that special dip in the plastic and you knew it would give way to your advances immediately. It couldnt resist your request for access. As the bag opens the smell absolutely surrounds you. Cherries. mmmm. You love the waxy feel of the pull apart twizzlers, how they slide through your fingers, yet stall just a little. You could peel them apart one by one by one, but you know that wont satify you fast enough. Instead you grab 3 and roll them all into one glorious ball. as the beutiful red ball sits in your hand, you begin to salivate..... you bring it to your lips and just let it linger for a moment, feeling the texture against your lips. You open your mouth and let the entire ball enter. Oh god. this is what youve needed for so long, how could you have even waited this long? If you would have known how amazing it would be, surely you would have gone to the store sooner. The flavor is fruity,and thick...leaving every tastebud in your mouth screaming in satisfaction, its hard to chew but with ever rotation, the flavor becomes more intense, more...intimate. Youre wet. you feel it dripping down. your mouth is so full that it can not hold even your own saliva. you giggle as you wipe it up and back into your mouth. Finally you chew enough to swallow. Time to make another ball
The package of twizzlers opens easy, you've been down this road enough times to know how to get the job done. All you had to do was sink you teeth into that special dip in the plastic and you knew it would give way to your advances immediately. It couldnt resist your request for access. As the bag opens the smell absolutely surrounds you. Cherries. mmmm. You love the waxy feel of the pull apart twizzlers, how they slide through your fingers, yet stall just a little. You could peel them apart one by one by one, but you know that wont satify you fast enough. Instead you grab 3 and roll them all into one glorious ball. as the beutiful red ball sits in your hand, you begin to salivate..... you bring it to your lips and just let it linger for a moment, feeling the texture against your lips. You open your mouth and let the entire ball enter. Oh god. this is what youve needed for so long, how could you have even waited this long? If you would have known how amazing it would be, surely you would have gone to the store sooner. The flavor is fruity,and thick...leaving every tastebud in your mouth screaming in satisfaction, its hard to chew but with ever rotation, the flavor becomes more intense, more...intimate. Youre wet. you feel it dripping down. your mouth is so full that it can not hold even your own saliva. you giggle as you wipe it up and back into your mouth. Finally you chew enough to swallow. Time to make another ball
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Replies
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I love this and I don't even eat twizzlers! You are a very good descriptive writer, I'm impressed! :flowerforyou:0
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What's up with the cooler full of dead fish?0
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Sorry, thats a picture from like 10 years ago, the only personal photo that I have. I needed a profile pic0
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Lol0
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Am I the only one that found that dirty?
Very good btw!0 -
Not "dirty"....erotic
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I found reading it too choppy to really be able to get into it. It doesn't draw you in and keep you connected to the idea. We get that this is about twizzlers but it's too You this, You that. Just lacks flow.0
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I like the steak one much better. I could almost taste it.
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Not "dirty"....erotic
Yes! thank you, that is a much better term.0 -
Agreed. I don't like second-person narrative. It's unnecessarily distracting.I found reading it too choppy to really be able to get into it. It doesn't draw you in and keep you connected to the idea. We get that this is about twizzlers but it's too You this, You that. Just lacks flow.
Consider the same story in first person (with added paragraphs):
The package of twizzlers opens easy, I've been down this road enough times to know how to get the job done. All I had to do was sink my teeth into that special dip in the plastic and I knew it would give way to my advances immediately. It couldnt resist my request for access.
As the bag opens the smell absolutely surrounds me. Cherries. mmmm. I love the waxy feel of the pull apart twizzlers, how they slide through my fingers, yet stall just a little. I could peel them apart one by one by one, but I know that wont satify me fast enough. Instead I grab 3 and roll them all into one glorious ball. As the beautiful red ball sits in my hand, I begin to salivate.....
I bring it to my lips and just let it linger for a moment, feeling the texture against my lips. I open my mouth and let the entire ball enter. Oh god. this is what I've needed for so long, how could I have even waited this long? If I would have known how amazing it would be, surely I would have gone to the store sooner. The flavor is fruity, and thick...leaving every tastebud in my mouth screaming in satisfaction. It's hard to chew but with every rotation, the flavor becomes more intense, more...intimate.
I'm wet. I feel it dripping down. My mouth is so full that it cannot hold even my own saliva. I giggle as I wipe it up and back into my mouth. Finally I chew enough to swallow. Time to make another ball.0 -
Agreed. I don't like second-person narrative. It's unnecessarily distracting.I found reading it too choppy to really be able to get into it. It doesn't draw you in and keep you connected to the idea. We get that this is about twizzlers but it's too You this, You that. Just lacks flow.
Consider the same story in first person (with added paragraphs):
The package of twizzlers opens easy, I've been down this road enough times to know how to get the job done. All I had to do was sink my teeth into that special dip in the plastic and I knew it would give way to my advances immediately. It couldnt resist my request for access.
As the bag opens the smell absolutely surrounds me. Cherries. mmmm. I love the waxy feel of the pull apart twizzlers, how they slide through my fingers, yet stall just a little. I could peel them apart one by one by one, but I know that wont satify me fast enough. Instead I grab 3 and roll them all into one glorious ball. As the beautiful red ball sits in my hand, I begin to salivate.....
I bring it to my lips and just let it linger for a moment, feeling the texture against my lips. I open my mouth and let the entire ball enter. Oh god. this is what I've needed for so long, how could I have even waited this long? If I would have known how amazing it would be, surely I would have gone to the store sooner. The flavor is fruity, and thick...leaving every tastebud in my mouth screaming in satisfaction. It's hard to chew but with every rotation, the flavor becomes more intense, more...intimate.
I'm wet. I feel it dripping down. My mouth is so full that it cannot hold even my own saliva. I giggle as I wipe it up and back into my mouth. Finally I chew enough to swallow. Time to make another ball.
^This. Much much better!!!!0 -
dude likes twizzlers...0
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Food porn0
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Punctuation in the right places would help, too. I was trying to stay focused, but missing apostrophes and commas were making me crazy! I've never made a ball out of Twizzlers. I prefer to dangle it in front of my face, then catch it with my tongue and let my tongue guide it into my mouth. 0
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....... I'm sorry, but reading this has me totally, and utterly disgusted.
Now, don't get me wrong, the man is an amazingly descriptive writer. His writing skill is comparable to Stephen King, at least to me. Stephen King is of course, more refined, but OP definitely can make you see what he wants you to see.
Nevertheless, I still don't like it. Sorry, but I don't. I know why I don't like it, but I don't wanna go off topic. My opinion, you've got talent, but this piece was just really disturbing and off putting for me.0 -
It is very descriptive. You get us right there with you...
But, this sounds like how I used to describe food in my head when I was anorexic. That is to say, describe it in such a way as to make it sound gross.
Seriously, I don't eat Twizzlers hardly ever anyway, but I don't think I'll ever eat one again. All I'll be able to think about is someone's mouth full of Twizzlers mush and cherry sugar saliva. *shivers*0 -
I am with Marilynx and another. I think its gross and the other is hard to keep reading, didn't grab me. I don't find food sexy though either. Right now its a pain in the *kitten* necessity that I can't get a firm handle on for a proper balance. I am sure there are select groups that would enjoy it though.0
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It is very descriptive. You get us right there with you...
But, this sounds like how I used to describe food in my head when I was anorexic. That is to say, describe it in such a way as to make it sound gross.
Seriously, I don't eat Twizzlers hardly ever anyway, but I don't think I'll ever eat one again. All I'll be able to think about is someone's mouth full of Twizzlers mush and cherry sugar saliva. *shivers*
^^and this! lol Yes, ewww. Where is the "like" button lol.0 -
You make Twizzlers sound better than sex. And I don't like Twizzlers.0
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I am with Marilynx and another. I think its gross and the other is hard to keep reading, didn't grab me. I don't find food sexy though either. Right now its a pain in the *kitten* necessity that I can't get a firm handle on for a proper balance. I am sure there are select groups that would enjoy it though.
This is actually one of the reasons why I don't like it. I struggle everyday with fighting the urge to eat, so seeing it so vividly described disturbs me. It's a struggle fighting the urge to eat, so seeing it so vividly described is disturbing. However, my personal issues don't make him a bad writer. He's a great writer, just I think a little insensitive for a weight loss forum.0
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