My emotional binge-eating disorder

x0_2bWeightless

Hi. My name is Kay. I'm 25, and I have had many MFP accounts.... But this a new one that I made just now, to try to hold myself accountable to these feelings of wanting to get out of this emotionally-exhausting binge eating disorder that I've carried around with me since I was 16 years old.

My whole entire world is based around food. Majority of the time, I am thinking about what I can eat next. Or how to get my hands on the next disgusting, fattening, deliciously satisfying morsel of food only to regret it the second after the entire helping has disappeared from in front of me. I have been battling with these eating issues since I was 16 years old and got my license - the ability to drive out to wherever I wanted to go, and get whatever I wanted to eat, without anyone watching my moves.

If I wanted a loaf of fresh bakery bread, off to Shaws I would go, and the whole thing would be gone in about 45 minutes. Then it would be off to applebees to get my chips and artichoke dip. Then to Tacobell/KFC to get my crunchwrap supreme with extra sour cream, along with my large mashed potato and gravy and my 2 biscuits with honey. Then back to shaws to check out the cookies and sweets in the bakery section. Off to subway to get my footlong, heavily-fattening sandwich. And that would be in the span of about 4 hours, so you can imagine how the rest of my day would go.

I was very small when I was in middle-school, all of my friends used to tell me how jealous they were of how skinny I was.... But it was only because I was so active with all of the sports that I would play, and my parents heavily restricted the food that I was allowed to eat every day (as they should have been).

But once high-school came around, I stopped playing all of the sports and got my first job in a fast food restaurant, and the beginning of this downward spiral began.

The pounds piled on quickly, and I got all the way up to 158 lbs, which was the heaviest I had ever been in my entire life. I've tried all different kinds of diet pills, and different kinds of work outs, but they never stuck - because my addiction to food was so strong and my mind was so weak.

Two years I tried a weightloss program and I went from 146 to 117 in 4 months, and I felt the best I had ever felt in my entire life. Somehow I broke my addiction to food - I didn't put anything processed in my body.. No dairy, no sugar, barely any alcohol, just a strict eating plan that I truly enjoyed - & I felt the best I ever did. But that obviously didn't last - old habits started creeping back up to me and I ended up blowing all the way back up to 165 lbs in the course of 1.5 years - super unhealthy, I know.

But enough is enough. I am sick of hiding the bad food. I am sick of being a bad person. I am sick of waisting money. I am sick of giving in. I am sick of these thoughts controlling my life. I am sick of looking at the scale. I am sick of binging. I am sick of being so weak-minded. I am so so so sick of letting this control my entire life - I literally can't take it any more.

I need help. Has anyone been through this? & Suggestions?

I'm looking for people to add me and help to support me through this journey, as I know it is going to be a very long and difficult road ahead. I am hoping to get better myself before having to seek help elsewhere.

Bex953172

Oh love I'm so sorry.
I've never experienced this but look at you, you're here! You're ready to fight this thing!
You have a strong relationship with food and you need to break up with it!

You are not a bad person, no way!

There's a thread on the motivation and support catergory called Just for today... daily commitment thread!
You should come join us, we're a lovely bunch offering tons of support and accountability without the pressure!

Please come join us!

DannyYMi54321

Hi Kay. I am glad you realize you need to do something about it, before 165 lbs becomes 265 or 365. And I'm also really glad for you that you had that taste of success getting down to 117 two years ago. Even though it feels like failure now because it didn't last, you proved to yourself you can lose weight - you know how to lose it, you just need to learn how to keep it off (as most of us do).

You wrote:

"But enough is enough. I am sick of hiding the bad food. I am sick of being a bad person. I am sick of waisting money. I am sick of giving in. I am sick of these thoughts controlling my life. I am sick of looking at the scale. I am sick of binging. I am sick of being so weak-minded. I am so so so sick of letting this control my entire life - I literally can't take it any more."

I have battled binge eating my entire life. I've had every one of those thoughts a million times. First off, you are not a bad person. Certainly not because of what you weigh and how you choose to eat. Even if you were 565 lbs, you would not be a bad person because of your weight. You may be troubled, but troubled is NOT the same as "bad".

Before you can begin to control binge eating, you need to know and understand why you binge. Where does the feeling come from that makes you do that to yourself? How do you feel when it's coming on, during, and after? Those are the kinds of questions that a professional can really help you answer - if you have access, at this point I would really recommend you look for therapist who specializes in binge eating.

I'm still working with someone after a number of years - it's a long, slow and complex process. I certainly don't feel "cured" but at least I feel like I have a lot more understanding of where my problems come from (in my case, physical, emotional and sexual abuse by my father from age 4 to high school) than I did, I know that it's not really about food - food is just the superficial expression of what is really going on inside, just one of so many ways we can torture ourselves - some choose alcohol, some drugs, some gambling, some cut or self-mutilate, we eat.

Yes, you DO need to get a handle on this. I'm twice your age. I wish I knew at 25 what I know now, I could have saved myself a lot of years of grief, and probably had a happier, better life. It's certainly NOT too late at all for you to have and be whatever you want - get a handle on this thing before it does become a medical tragedy as well as a personal one.

KillerBunny1234

Sounds like a more serious issue. Perhaps your dopamine pathways are not working the way thy should. Binging and drug use have similar pathologies.

kaela07_

I have a similar problem. Its become worse over the years. When I have a craving I just can't stop myself. Here's to hoping we can both succeed. Good luck!

RunawayCurves

I have been in the grips of binge eating dissorder for 25 years solid.

On MFP there is a support group http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/group/726-binge-eating-support-group

I gradually gained weight but over the years it got worse and worse until I agter constant yoyoing I reached 300lb. I then joined food addicts in recovery anonymouse and got slim. It is a 12 step program like alcoholics anonymous with a sponsor and a huge time and effort commitment. I only lasted 9 months with them before could not stand it any more but some people are able to stick with it long term. I gradually put all the weight back on again and after years more yoyoing I reached 336lb.

Unfortunately the longer the binge eating goes on for the more addapted to it the body becomes. I once logged over 22'000 calories on MFP all consumed within few hours of intense binge eating. I imagine that might kill a non binge eater or at least make them sick but after decades of binge eating I can do that and feel hungry again few hours later. Binge eating messes up all the senses. Feeling hungry or feeling full up to bursting point start to be indisinguishable.

There is no one size fits all solution. I do best when following a very strict food plan with clear boundaries but for others that could make situation worse. You have to experiment to see what works best for you. The most important things I think are
* Be really honest with yourself.
* Be as honest as you can manage with other people
* You have to put yourself first and know your limits, avoid people pleasing if it means putting yourself at risk.
* Figure out your boundaries and respect them at all times
* Seek help if you need it

I am an extreme case. For me personally I am so unsafe around food now that I will no longer eat meals in my home. I go out and eat my main meal in a public location because I know I won't binge in public. I don't keep any tempting foods in my home. Right now I only have salad and frozen savoury foods at home. If I make myself a meal at home I pack it up and eat it out in public somewhere. Then I stay out for hours before going home. The only nutrition I consume in my own home are bland meal replacement shakes. I sometimes have alcohol but only if someone is with me. That sounds extreme but for me it is best solution I have found so far.

sbrandt37

I don't have any advice to offer about binge eating disorder, but I want to respond to what you said about being a bad person and eating bad food.

You are absolutely NOT a bad person, and there is no such thing as bad food. I really encourage you to let go of that kind of thinking. I believe it just sabotages you.

You are a good person struggling with something you find very difficult to manage. That's ok. Keep working on it. Maybe work with a therapist. Set small goals. Celebrate your successes and forgive your failures. You can do it. It will get better.

GreekGoddess24

I am going through the same exact thing and have been going through this for a very long time, unfortunately. It is very frustrating and honestly also very embarrassing. My friends and family think it's either funny or they just tell me "why can't you just stop ?". It's very hard to talk about it with people who haven't experienced this. I'm here if you ever want to talk it out !

CTcutie

I have found that tracking helps me. And I moved to a more rural area w few restaurants, haha!!
I had a tiny binge maybe a month ago- olives, probably cheese, tortilla chips likely, and probably something else... but I logged it and it only ended up being like 200 cal, vs the whole loaf of fresh bread & butter & ice cream & cheezits, etc I used to eat w abandon on a daily to weekly basis a few years ago. Needless to say I gave the bread machine away, lol!! Also- having a hobby/diversion helps. I learned how to knit last year and just made my first sweater

AZIZAELLAZIZA

Add me as a buddy if you'd like. I am in my 34th year of suffering from binge eating disorder and it has been hellish to say the least. One day at a time, I am slowly kicking to the curb, out the window or down the stairs.