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Fostering a positive body image in teens and dealing with potential red flags

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  • 4legsRbetterthan2
    4legsRbetterthan2 Posts: 19,590 MFP Moderator
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    sounds like having that chat with other mom should shed some light on the situation then. Maybe she just doesn't realize the impact she is having, hopefully she will listen to your input! Good luck!
  • tomteboda
    tomteboda Posts: 2,171 Member
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    Hey I read through this and the bathroom thing may have a perfectly natural and healthy explanation. Eating triggers the micturition reflex, and she may be responding to that. Your bladder signals is time to release after a meal, but many adults ignore that signal. Hopefully she's just responsive to that.
  • FatPorkyChop
    FatPorkyChop Posts: 83 Member
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    It seems a bit easy and premature to me to blame the mother here - it's only assumptions at this stage ...
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
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    tomteboda wrote: »
    Hey I read through this and the bathroom thing may have a perfectly natural and healthy explanation. Eating triggers the micturition reflex, and she may be responding to that. Your bladder signals is time to release after a meal, but many adults ignore that signal. Hopefully she's just responsive to that.

    I thought I was a weirdo. I always have to pee right before and right after a meal. LOL @ my crazy bladder. Now I know... ;)
  • brookielaw
    brookielaw Posts: 814 Member
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    Thus far I'm tending to believe the bathroom is mere coincedence. She really does hate puking. Timing on visits with Mom is likely coincedence too, other than the weighing aspect. Supposedly the most Mom does is push her to go outside and ride her bike more, which is not a bad thing. She may just feel like sharing more when she returns from visits. We just need to all work together on the same messages of positive self-image and balance.
  • yellingkimber
    yellingkimber Posts: 229 Member
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    brookielaw wrote: »
    Thank you both for the insight! I will say that she is a pretty sedentary child and could definitely use some balance as far as activity, although she does ride horses with her Grandpa a couple of times a week, so maybe we can find something related to that.

    If she enjoys this, definitely go with it. I was a really nervous child and didn't have very much self-esteem or a very good self-image. Horseback riding is so incredible for building this. There's something about forming a partnership with a stubborn 1400 lb animal that makes you feel good about yourself. I honestly believe it's one of the best sports for self-improvement (and it's a fantastic workout!). If I could afford it as a broke college student, I'd still be horseback riding today.
  • CSARdiver
    CSARdiver Posts: 6,252 Member
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    brookielaw wrote: »
    Thus far I'm tending to believe the bathroom is mere coincidence. She really does hate puking. Timing on visits with Mom is likely coincidence too, other than the weighing aspect. Supposedly the most Mom does is push her to go outside and ride her bike more, which is not a bad thing. She may just feel like sharing more when she returns from visits. We just need to all work together on the same messages of positive self-image and balance.

    With all of this it's not what you say, but how you say it. She's going to be in a weird place for a bit until she starts feeling stable again. Hopefully you guys can work this all out.
  • canadianlbs
    canadianlbs Posts: 5,199 Member
    edited April 2017
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    brookielaw wrote: »
    Am I overreacting?

    i want to make it clear that i have no personal experience of eating disorders, so you can apply all the right grains of salt. i don't know if you're overreacting or not. however, i remember being that age and hating absolutely everything about myself, at one point or another.

    to be honest, getting told otherwise just didn't mean much to me. i saw the same thing with my son when he was going through his teens, and it made me realise that to some extent that's normal. adolescence just is a time when you start to come to terms with your own self - on your own terms. it's part of health, i think not the self-criticism, but the self-evaluation.

    i hope i don't sound like i'm minimizing because i sure don't want to. i'm just sympathetic to how you feel, because it's so hard as a parent. you're so dedicated to the idea of taking almost full responsibility for your child's well-being, and you're terrified of dropping the ball. so it's really hard to adjust when they reach that age where they do have to build an independent relationship with their own selves no matter what you think of them.
  • heiliskrimsli
    heiliskrimsli Posts: 735 Member
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    canadianlbs wrote: »
    brookielaw wrote: »
    Am I overreacting?

    i want to make it clear that i have no personal experience of eating disorders, so you can apply all the right grains of salt. i don't know if you're overreacting or not. however, i remember being that age and hating absolutely everything about myself, at one point or another.

    to be honest, getting told otherwise just didn't mean much to me. i saw the same thing with my son when he was going through his teens, and it made me realise that to some extent that's normal. adolescence just is a time when you start to come to terms with your own self - on your own terms. it's part of health, i think not the self-criticism, but the self-evaluation.

    I started getting really uninterested in my parents' input into anything I considered personal around 11 or 12 years old and that drive for cutting them off from controlling every aspect of my life, or even knowing everything that was going on with me continued to get more intense the older I got. Their attempts to discuss anything with me were largely met with a wall of silence, and I didn't actually have anything wrong, it was just part of my personality to be "not a talker".

    It still is. I am an extremely private person. I don't discuss things that are weighing on my mind. I prefer to be alone and have since I was fairly young. People who are more prone to being "talkers" or "sharers" don't get it, assume it's a sign of something wrong, and would always (and still do) ramp up their effort to get me to "open up".
    i hope i don't sound like i'm minimizing because i sure don't want to. i'm just sympathetic to how you feel, because it's so hard as a parent. you're so dedicated to the idea of taking almost full responsibility for your child's well-being, and you're terrified of dropping the ball. so it's really hard to adjust when they reach that age where they do have to build an independent relationship with their own selves no matter what you think of them.

    My parents couldn't let go and accept that their job was done. I eventually told them that they either stopped prying and trying to control, or I would stop speaking to them. They chose the former.
  • canadianlbs
    canadianlbs Posts: 5,199 Member
    edited April 2017
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    heiliskrimsli wrote: »
    My parents couldn't let go and accept that their job was done. I eventually told them that they either stopped prying and trying to control, or I would stop speaking to them. They chose the former.

    heh. i'll never forget how scared i was when my son was 17. he completely clammed up, and he was never much of a confider to begin with.

    i wish people who haven't been there - and even people who have - would stop characterizing this as just an emotional thing on the parents' side. it just makes us sound codependent and needy. and i wish they would stop just dismissing the kids' side as 'hormones' like they're not thinking beings fighting real battles with their own minds. it legitimately terrified me. bad stuff does happen to kids, and nobody who's got one wants to just stand by and be oblivious.

    finally one day when he was obliged to be in the car with me and doing the teen-silence thing to my timid little overtures, i did a little private timeout count and then i said 'you know, when don't talk at all, it makes me afraid that something really awful has happened to you and you're afraid to let anyone know about it.' he did a double-take that almost gave him whiplash and i felt much much better right on the spot :smiley:
  • heiliskrimsli
    heiliskrimsli Posts: 735 Member
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    canadianlbs wrote: »
    finally one day when he was obliged to be in the car with me and doing the teen-silence thing to my timid little overtures, i did a little private timeout count and then i said 'you know, when don't talk at all, it makes me afraid that something really awful has happened to you and you're afraid to let anyone know about it.' he did a double-take that almost gave him whiplash and i felt much much better right on the spot :smiley:

    There comes a point where you have to accept that talking to you about things is a choice and that it's perfectly valid to choose not to. A parent's right to know what's going on ends when the offspring is an adult. I drew a hard line with my parents, and they got over it.
  • canadianlbs
    canadianlbs Posts: 5,199 Member
    edited April 2017
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    heiliskrimsli wrote: »
    There comes a point where you have to accept that talking to you about things is a choice and that it's perfectly valid to choose not to. A parent's right to know what's going on ends when the offspring is an adult. I drew a hard line with my parents, and they got over it.

    i think we just talked right past each other, but never mind. i have a sense we're probably each speaking from dramatically different contexts.

    of course it's a choice; i don't think i implied it wasn't. there are whole scads of things about me that my own surviving parent doesn't know and is never going to know; that's part of the human right to have privacy.

    but part of making choices is having information. so having the information that blackout silence and surliness is frightening to any parent is not the worst thing that ever happened to any teen. it was clearly brand-new information to my son, so i don't think it did any harm. the reason why i said it at all was actually because i was going to say 'i'm leaving this up to you, whether or what you ever do say to me. i'm just saying this out loud and formally here, so you won't ever think i just *kitten* off and left you to stew by yourself. it's your call, but i want you to know i'm ON call, just in case.'

    but like i said, the double-take kind of derailed things a bit :wink: i said it anyway, but it was pretty pro-forma by then.

  • brookielaw
    brookielaw Posts: 814 Member
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    The dialogue has been opened with Mom and with Kiddo. We'll do what we can to reinforce positive body image but we are not going to push this too much. She knows the door is open and I love that she is willing to at least hear us out without shutting down. She really is a great kid, I hit the jackpot. I truly believe the talk, the doc, etc. have helped. She is making good choices and knows it. She's joining her aunt and me on another 5K (walk only) in a few weeks and will get to ride to her heart's content when we visit the Uncles in a couple of weeks. My trainer says she is welcome to join me for some of my sessions, if she chooses to. I'd LOVE to have her see me finish my triathlon next month (I'm trying to lead by example here), but it's her Mom's weekend and I know it may not happen. That's OK. I know my relationship with my parents at her age was NOT open or healthy and I certainly don't want her shutting down by feeling nagged. At the same time, who doesn't want the best for their kid?

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