Overeaters Anonymous: Scales! Scales everywhere!

Azadi

Hi, my name is Azadi and I am a recovering bulimic.

One of my biggest challenges and triggers is the scale. A couple of weeks ago, I walked into my mother's bathroom (I'm staying with her while I'm off from school) and the scale was there staring me in the face. Well, in the feet really, I guess. I couldn't resist. I stepped on.

Thank God, the scale was broken, and the reading was totally inaccurate. It read way higher than my weight could possibly be. It was funny, because it was as if God was gently chiding me for doing what I knew I wasn't supposed to do, saying "You want to be triggered? Ok, well, here's a trigger... you weigh TEN MILLION POUNDS!" Ok, it wasn't ten million, but it was *just* high enough that I knew it was wrong. I laughed and thanked God for the message, went and told my stepfather that his scale was broken (he was relieved... he and mom had been stressing over what their scale was telling them) and resolved that I was going to take the message to heart, and renew my commitment to not weighing myself.

This past weekend, I showered one morning in my grandmother's bathroom where there is a scale right next to the shower. The temptation was very strong and I didn't trust myself to resist. So I took a deep breath, picked up the scale, and leaned it against the wall, display facing the tile. It was not going to get the better of me.

Yesterday, we had an OA meeting at a new location, having lost our space at the church where we'd been meeting. As I ascended the stairs of this facility to our space, on the landing just below the 3rd floor I saw that there was a scale, the big kind like they have in doctors' offices. Oy gevalt!

Part of the problem, I must acknowledge, is MFP. Every time I log in I see that little badge on the left of the page "0 pounds lost." Now I don't know if that's true... I suspect that it's not. But it shouldn't matter. My real goals are not about that number, they are about food and portion management, and relating to food in a sane and healthy way. But, of course, most people use this site for weight loss qua weight loss. And that is fine, totally fine... I just kind of wish there were a way to get rid of the emphasis on weight in my little corner, where I track my meals and my exercise. Weight is not the only measure of progress.

Thanks for letting me share. Anyone else have similar challenges?

leavinglasvegas

I have always had that same challenge. It was only recently, like the last year or so, that I have come to feel better control.

Just an observation but, it seems like you are being tested. Like everywhere you go you have temptation. That leaves you with a choice. As you keep making the choice to own responsibility and not let the scale control you, you are getting stronger. Everytime you see a scale you will have a choice. And I bet each time, it will get easier and easier for you to see it and just keep walking. Its kind of deep, if you really think about it.

Anyway, good for you for taking back your own control. I know that it can be tough. You are so strong!:flowerforyou:

DancingYogini

ITA...I used to weigh myself at least 3 (usually more) times per day!! Not good. I am now just trying to weigh once a week, but it is still hard. That little ticker on my home page does bug me a little, especially since I put the wrong starting weight in to begin with! It does seem like you are being tested...which is a good thing...you can only get stronger

Azadi

Irishdancer, I couldn't even tell you how often I weighed myself when I was at the height (or low point really) of my disease... I was weighing myself constantly: when I woke up, with clothes, without clothes, before showering, after showering, before going to the bathroom and after, before and after eating, before and after purging (I was purging sometimes as often as 4 times a day), before work and after work, before working out and after... it was horrible. That is something I never ever want to go back to.

It can be very very frustrating... because I do want to lose weight. I would be lying if I said I didn't, and I learned a long time ago that, even if your desires or feelings are ones you want to be rid of, it does no good to deny their existence. I want to drop weight. I want to fit into smaller clothes. I want to look a certain way. But what I am working toward is not wanting these things... such goals are superficial and not healthy for me. What I need to want is to be healthy, to like myself and my body whatever shape it is, to accept myself and how I look at every stage. I'm making a lot of progress in that area, getting more comfortable looking at myself and seeing what I look like now rather than what I wish I looked like and the difference between that imagined ideal and where I am now.

I love myself and I love my body. I have to. Otherwise, what reason do I have to want my body to be healthy? And how can I expect my body to work with me if I hate it? Thinner can't be the goal. It may be a byproduct. Maybe. But my body-type is what it is, and I cannot try to make it conform to an imaginary ideal. I must let it do what it will with the fuel I feed it.

If I keep telling myself this, I will keep winning.

TropicalKitty

I feel ya. I had to hide my scale because it was what I used to determine my self-worth. Then restrict my food because I hated the number, only to binge from the frustration. I hated going to the gym and my trainers putting me on the scale like that was how to tell if you were being a good person.

Yes, I agree we should have some other ways to see what we're doing. I'd like to track my body fat % instead of weight.

As for the scales popping up everywhere, that's normal. You always notice the things you are trying to avoid. Be proud that you see how crazy it is and how far you have come.

arewethereyet

I have my opening page set to the food log. When I hit the explorer button, MFP opens straight to my food diary.

As far as the badge.......I would change your profile to show whatever number you would eventually like to see. For me I would but in 135 start 120 ending showing a 15 pound LOSSS.......just the encouragement I need to see.............

I understand you are using this in conjuntion with an OA group, but yes my main focus is also on getting healthy!

kenhay

Hi Azadi,
I found it interesting reading about how you feel about weighing yourself not being that important in a weight-loss program, since the real goals, as you put it, are eating in a healthier and saner fashion. Last year I went on a diet for about 6 months, and I lost nearly 20 lbs, but over the next 6 months I put it back on. I used a program online called "Lose It", with it's weekly weigh in's and focus on weight. This time I've ignored the scale for some reason, and now that I've read your post, it reinforces and validates my reluctance to get into the misguided merry-go-round of focusing to much on my weight. I know I've been eating and exercising much more responsibly and healthily this time, and my intention is to continue what I'm doing.
I've been successfully following another 12 Step program for nearly 27 years, thanks to the grace of God and the fellowship I regularly attend. Your mention of OA has gotten me to consider making room for one their meetings. I certainly qualify to be a member and believe it could be a big help. As they often say in my program, "We don't just have a drinking problem, we have a thinking problem." I strongly suspect that in OA a similar line of reasoning probably says something to the effect that "We have a thinking problem in relation to food." Thanks again for putting the idea in my head that OA is a good place to further my recovery into healthier living. I would guess it's another place where I can "trudge the road of happy destiny".
I'm with you on your wish of getting rid of the emphasis on weight, and I look forward to hearing you share more about your ongoing journey toward "progress, not perfection". Please make some room for me in your "little corner". Peace, Ken