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How to get Significant Other on Board with weight loss/fitness?

rustychord
rustychord Posts: 166 Member
edited November 2024 in Motivation and Support
Does anyone have any suggestions for how to get the significant other to join in losing weight and going to the gym? All I can do is ask and the stock answer is always "not today" or "i have lots of laundry to do" or some type of excuse to that affect.

I am concerned about her health but when I say that she gets very defensive! She is smoking more cigarettes now than I can remember, and she has decided to take up knitting and crocheting in her spare time which I wish she would spend with me doing something active.

We are 46 years old and should be enjoying living together. Why is it so difficult for me to get her on board?

Any help greatly appreciated!

OH by the way this is for a friend :smile: :smile:

Replies

  • Theo166
    Theo166 Posts: 2,564 Member
    Instead of telling her where she should be or how she should change, focus on just understanding were she is.
    - does she know her BMI
    - challenge her to track calories for a week, then compare with TDEE

    Any desire for changing direction has to come from within, thus focus what she does daily now.
  • gamerbabe14
    gamerbabe14 Posts: 876 Member
    Because she doesn't want to get on board and you can't force anyone to make decisions they don't want to make. Have you always been active? If not, you can't expect her to all of a sudden change her lifestyle to match your new found actvitity level.
  • RuNaRoUnDaFiEld
    RuNaRoUnDaFiEld Posts: 5,864 Member
    Sounds like counselling might be a good idea.

    You can't force some one to get fit. You can talk though about spending time together.
  • cwolfman13
    cwolfman13 Posts: 41,865 Member
    edited April 2017
    My wife didn't really get on bored until I had been rolling for months. I never really said anything to her...she just noticed that I was obviously losing weight and saw my fitness improve by leaps and bounds and after a few months I think she started to see that this was something I was going to stick to rather than a quickly passing fad (once upon a time we bought bikes together thinking we would ride...I think we rode like 2 or 3 times).

    I started in Sept 2012 and right around the New Year I mentioned possibly joining a gym to start lifting weights again. She had just found a flyer for the local JCC offering a deep discount for family memberships and she actually approached me with the idea that we could do this as a family so we signed up...the rest is history.

    We don't go there anymore, but we both go to the gym on the regular. I'm also an avid cycling enthusiast...she rides as well, but is more into running and has done a few 1/2 marathons and has another slated for October in Portugal. We've both lost quite a bit of weight and are more fit and active than we've been in a long time prior to that. It also sets a good example for our 7 and 4 year old boys as they just see what we do and being active as a family as something completely normal.

    ETA: while we both "train", we also spend quite a bit of time just being active together and as a family. We love hiking, going to the rock climbing gym, hitting up the trampoline park, a variety of water sports, etc. My oldest (7) does Jiu-Jitsu and his younger brother will likely join him next year. We do quite a bit outside of the gym...
  • RoxieDawn
    RoxieDawn Posts: 15,487 Member
    edited April 2017
    She is not on board because she has no interest in doing so. She is happy with what she is doing and putting any added pressure her only sets her back that much further.

    Sometimes it takes really bad news from a doctor for anyone to stand up and change. And in your situation I hope it never comes to that. Just keep telling you love her no matter what, keep the hints about this low key.

    Mine got on board after a couple of month me losing some weight and getting up and leaving the house to exercise. He not only missed me when I was gone, he decided to do his own thing cause what I was doing was working. We do not exercise together, I run and he does not, we have a home gym but exercise at different times. But we are more active now and do things together outside of exercise cause we are both healthy and loads of energy to get out and do things now.

    Give it time and have patience with her. Either she comes around or she does not, its one of those things you cannot pressure another to do. Good luck and I hope the best for you both!
  • Need2Exerc1se
    Need2Exerc1se Posts: 13,575 Member
    You can only do so much to change another person. The most you can do is express concern over their health and perhaps suggest activities you can do together. If she doesn't want to go to the gym why not suggest going for a walk or visiting a state/national park or forest and going for a hike. Or just going outside and tossing a Frisbee.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 49,151 Member
    If there's no DESIRE by that person, then there's nothing you can really do. They have to WANT to do it on their own. It may take some health malady to get them to do it, but again people can't be forced to do an optional thing.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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  • azulvioleta6
    azulvioleta6 Posts: 4,195 Member
    Someone who is SMOKING clearly doesn't care much about her health.

    You can't convince another adult to make changes. She is going to have to find her own motivation. The only chance that you have of nudging her in the right direction is to find something active that she loves to do and build health and fitness goals around that.

    Knitting and crochet actually can be helpful to those who are dieting. You can't knit and eat at the same time. It can be good to have something productive to do with your hands while you are watching TV or just hanging out.
  • middlehaitch
    middlehaitch Posts: 8,488 Member
    It took about 3 years for my SO to really get into it.

    I had quietly lost the weight and upped my fitness level something wicked in my first year. During the following 2 years I maintained both with no fuss.
    We were planning a cruise and I wanted to be off doing this that and the other while we were in port. Lots and lots of activity.
    A couple of weeks after booking the trip he just asked what had I done to lose my weight- he thought it would be good if he lost a few pounds too. (30 to be precise)

    I showed him how to count calories and he was off and running. Realizing that all he had to do was cut portion sizes and not eliminate any food made it easy for him.

    As far as exercise, he was always a runner and swimmer but sporadic. He started running x2 a week, swimming X 1 a week and decided to join me at aqua fit and yoga X1 a week to help with his flexibility.

    We had a great vacation, hiked mountains, snorkelled, rode ponies through tropical forests, and rappeled down cliffs.

    That was about 5 years ago. Now eating at a reasonable level for maintenance and keeping our fitness levels up is just the way we live.

    All that was to say- she needs to find her time and reason to do it. You can lead by example, quietly, or plan things that both of you can do that are fun but include movement, but basically it has to be her and you have to accept that.

    Cheers, h.
  • Lizzy622
    Lizzy622 Posts: 3,705 Member
    All you can do is you. I get up early to do an early morning walk on the weekend. My husband has actually started joining me, which is fabulous. One morning he just suggested that maybe he could join me on my walk. Don't nag but set a good example and maybe she will decide to join you.
  • rugratz2015
    rugratz2015 Posts: 595 Member
    edited April 2017
    As an ex smoker I can honestly say that It's a habit, one of the hardest to give up.

    Your SO may find the crafting therapeutic, she may just want to try new things. (Like myself)

    Bottom line is if your SO doesn't want to exercise she won't.

    Talk to her, tell her you're worried about her and that you want to spend time together, and try and come to an agreement as to what activity she may like and agree to do, with you. Let it be an activity that she wants to do rather than what you want, she may feel she's out of your fitness league, so you need to reassure her that you're not going to leave her on her own if she agrees, that you'll be there to help her every step of the way.

    Maybe make it about spending time together - a nice walk down the beach/public park/garden etc, followed by a nice lunch may encourage her out more, then reduce the lunches and increase the walks.

    It's not easy, I've been in her position, at the end of the day it has to be her decision.

    Good luck x
  • buffinlovin
    buffinlovin Posts: 100 Member
    I've tried alternating some dates/events to try and get some more exercise with my fiance. There's a movie theater we go to that is part of an outside mall, and I have encouraged him to get there earlier so we can walk and shop a little bit (more for the walking than the shopping, the merchandise is higher priced than I would normally pay). I've also "encouraged" him by offering to do the dishes (normally his chore to do since I do all the cooking) if he takes the dogs for a walk.
  • inertiastrength
    inertiastrength Posts: 2,343 Member
    The gym is not for everyone, maybe suggest walking or doing something together she may enjoy? Does she have much weight to lose?
  • happysherri
    happysherri Posts: 1,360 Member
    As others have said 'Someone will only do what they want to do'. All you can do is keep politely offering. Try and find something she may enjoy, just a light walk after dinner, shopping is walking (I realize not everyone enjoys that but she may), antiquing, an event that involves walking ?! Good luck
  • brookielaw
    brookielaw Posts: 814 Member
    It has to be something that interests her. If she doesn't want to do it, and she doesn't see a personal reason to do so, she won't. My husband is far less active than I am, and that's ok, because that is who he is. Would I like him to work on his health? Absolutely. (From my own greedy standpoint, I want him to be around forever!) Will nagging him make that happen? Nope.

    I did get my husband on board with walking by telling him how much his support would help me. I didn't ask him to EXERCISE, I asked him to walk. For some reason 'exercising' or 'working out' don't sound as appealing as just plain ol' 'walking' to some people. We did our 5th family 5K on Saturday. I don't think he loves it, but he loves me. He also loves our girls, so I make it a point to take them to the park whenever we are off work together for family fun time. Maybe you could set up a date where you walk to/in a park and have a picnic? Would she be in to a more active date, like rollerskating or ice skating? Biking a pretty trail? Hiking?

    Here's another one that worked for us. A friend gave us both fitbits for Christmas this year. He started getting into upping his step count. Then he was looking into the other features of the fitbit and at least started discussing healthier eating. I showed him MFP as an option but haven't pushed it.

    Smoking is a hard addiction to break. If/when she is ready, be there for her, forgive any snappiness (I speak from personal experience) and maybe offer some incentives and support. In the meantime, you do you. Good luck!

  • Iwannabfit76
    Iwannabfit76 Posts: 101 Member
    My husband finally got on board (he is a former athlete and was highly active but stuck in a rut) after he saw me changing physically and becoming super energetic after losing close to 50 pounds and going from a 4X to an XL!!!
    Just try to stay positive and if she sees the change in you, then she might be motivated that way. Just don't let this new chapter drive a wedge between your relationship.
  • glassofroses
    glassofroses Posts: 653 Member
    If she has a lot to do in terms of laundry and house stuff, why not help out so that when she gets time to herself she won't be so tired and might want to go out for a nice walk. Offer to cook healthier meals and stuff so that it takes the pressure off of her. Ultimately, if she's not ready to make the change, you can't force her but showing her how it can be for both of you (pressure free) might help her to come around.
  • soufauxgirl
    soufauxgirl Posts: 392 Member
    you cant. As hard as it is, they need to decide when they want to start.
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