Needing some serious support and advice

mandytigress1

My name is Amanda and I just recommitted myself to living healthy and being active. However, my BF is always so miserable and refuses to make changes that will make his life better. I try helping him with his health problems; trying to get him active and eating healthier but he is just so depressed and is always so moody. Im just looking for some advice and support because it is difficult to keep up with my healthy lifestyle and keeping my confidence without the support of my significant other.

TavistockToad

you need to just do you, you can't make him change. just lead by example.

has he seen a doctor for his depression?

mandytigress1

I told him that he should but he hasnt even gone to the Dr for a basic checkup.
So frustrating.....

sand86802

It will sounds cliché but you cant help someone that doesnt want to be helped.

Keep being there for him and make sure he knows you will be there for him if and when he decides to get help.

In the meantime, focus on you. Take care of yourself and dont let the situation prevent you from achieving your goals.

ConquerYourMountain

Sand^ is right!

You do you! Can't help someone that has no interest in coming out of their hole. I was deep down and I kept going til I wanted it myself. Didn't make a difference what anyone said.

lorrpb

Is this who you really want to be with?

mandytigress1

lorrpb wrote: »

Is this who you really want to be with?

I do want to be with him. He does have problems like everyone else. I won't give up on him. It is just frustrating because I don't know how to help him and I think this may be something he has to do on his own. I will have to stop worrying about him and do my own thing.

Bex953172

You don't have to stop worrying about him, it's only natural to be concerned for your partner and want to help.
But this goal is yours not his, always be there for him but stop trying to help him.

If you keep doing what you're doing and keep yourself positive it will help him in the long run as he knows he has someone strong to depend on if he needs it!

Don't mother him, just let him get on with his own stuff but be there for him if he needs it and let him know you're always there for him

AmyOutOfControl

Great job on taking steps to improve your health!

I don't mean to sound harsh but please remember -- You can only take care of you. He is a grown adult and has a right to make his own life choices. If you would like to get healthy - great! Do it for YOU. However, don't expect another grown adult to change their life because you think they should.

kenzienal

mandytigress1 wrote: »

It is just frustrating because I don't know how to help him

Help yourself first. Do that, and the rest will follow exactly as it should.

Does not mean it will follow exactly as you THINK it should, but you got to put yourself first.

GemstoneofHeart

Good for you to decide to make some changes!!!
Not sure how old you are but I dated a guy like this for 5 years. Almost married him. He never wanted to help himself with his depression and anxiety and took it out on me a lot. I always forgave him because I knew how hard it was for him. But at some point you have to realize that only you can control you. You don't have to stay with this guy if he's not supporting you. And if he can't support you to be healthier...how is he going to support you when things really get tough later down the line?

whatlunasaid

Is he being negative about your journey? Or is he just not taking one of his own? It sounds like he is being kind to you, but just not ready to make changes for himself yet. You cannot change him. Let it be.

My boyfriend is overweight and I am not. I spent the past two years working on being healthier physically. Do I hound him about it? No. It is still his body and his life. I make my own choices and give him my love and support. That is what he gives me.

mandytigress1

GemstoneofHeart wrote: »

Good for you to decide to make some changes!!!
Not sure how old you are but I dated a guy like this for 5 years. Almost married him. He never wanted to help himself with his depression and anxiety and took it out on me a lot. I always forgave him because I knew how hard it was for him. But at some point you have to realize that only you can control you. You don't have to stay with this guy if he's not supporting you. And if he can't support you to be healthier...how is he going to support you when things really get tough later down the line?

My relationship sounds a bit like this. He is angry and depressed. He hates his job and everything pisses him off. He does support my journey but most of the time he does take his anger out on me.
Mood swings and things on that order. I am 36 and he is younger than me. We have worked through alot of stuff.

mandytigress1

Bex953172 wrote: »

You don't have to stop worrying about him, it's only natural to be concerned for your partner and want to help.
But this goal is yours not his, always be there for him but stop trying to help him.

If you keep doing what you're doing and keep yourself positive it will help him in the long run as he knows he has someone strong to depend on if he needs it!

Don't mother him, just let him get on with his own stuff but be there for him if he needs it and let him know you're always there for him

I'm not worried so much as frustrated. I definately don't mother him. I only help him when he asks.
Its difficult sitting back and watching him suffer knowing that I cant do anything for him.

MarriedchunkyK

I'm sorry hun. One thing that helps me is to remember this : If you are on an airplane they instruct you in an emergency to put your oxygen mask on first before you assist your child with theirs reason is you would be out and not there for them. I try to apply this thought when I'm struggling. You have to put your health & wellness first. If he's really struggling with depression maybe it's time to either talk to a family member or a friend for intervention. If not just focus on being a stronger healthier version of you. Good luck. You can add me if you'd like. I'll support you.

CLessMe

I do want to be with him. He does have problems like everyone else. I won't give up on him. It is just frustrating because I don't know how to help him and I think this may be something he has to do on his own. I will have to stop worrying about him and do my own thing.[/quote]

This is me, too.

Leenizi129

Hi Amanda, this is a tough one, but I will tell you this sometimes change comes from setting the example and a little tough love. I agree, maybe he should go talk to someone just to get things in perspective and it not fair that you have to carry all the responsibility. Sounds like he needs another opinion and so do you.

Theo166

My family tried to get me to lose weight but it wasn't until a visit to the DR that I finally kicked into gear. Only then was I open to diet and portion control changes my family had urged.

Urge him to get a regular check up, that's a reasonable request from a SO.

jgnatca

Here's one quote that has helped me a lot.

http://www.motivationalquotesabout.com/quotes/the-true-secret-of-giving-advice-is-hannah-whitall-smith.aspx

Another thought with the mood swings and trouble at work. Are you sure he hasn't picked up a drug habit? That can really mess with a person's head. Of course this could be depression or bipolar. No way of knowing unless he gets himself checked out.

Even though you can't fix him or make him take the important steps to getting better you can suggest small steps towards healthier living. Even if it's having him try a fresh salad at dinner.

Again, don't take it personally if he refuses your overtures.

Woodmouse1

My partner was just the same.Concentrate on your own regime first. Remind yourself why you got together Be compassionate you could feel down next week. If you love him and want to stay together look at your diets then just cook really heathy food for you both all the time. Remind him how walking in the countryside is good for when you are down and an exercise programme in the gym also helps. Don t let his depression get you down Just go and find out about healthy living can improve your lives together and keep on telling him. Don t give up, things can change Eventually my partner started to eat better and exercise more He is much happier and more healthy now and is grateful for all the support I gave him Bless you good luck

sexyjacky

Yea it's definitely hard when ur SO &/or family are not supportive.. ex: My mom is the opposite of supportive, she just annoys me and says I'm not eating enough that I'm gonna have low iron & vitamins etc. ( she has no clue about this MFP world ) I'm eating healthier and way less sweets/junk but unfortunately I'm still tempted by my love of chocolate

sexyjacky

/sweets and try not to buy it cuz I don't want it in my house and she brings me food/snacks that I'm trying to avoid like today she brought bag of chocolates!! Ughhh so frustrating! Also I'm trying to get my husband to eat better/lose weight but it's hard. Like yesterday we went to Thai restaurant and I asked him to make sure I only eat half of the chicken pad Thai entree and guess what I ended up eating the entire thing and felt so yucky/stuffed afterwards.. sigh I feel you. You can add me as a friend and we can support one another

juyehara

I didn't read all the other responses, but I can tell you from my experience, and our struggles with my husband with 8 deployments and PTSD, when I fall off my work outs, emotionally, I'm not together. Keep up your work outs, don't press him about it, if you pray-do that, he will see the change and want to change himself.