Is your partner overweight?
Leah_62803
Posts: 292 Member
Is your partner/spouse overweight? If they are, are they actively trying to lose weight too? If they aren't trying to lose the weight, does it help or hinder you?
My husband is 6'3 and 350+ lbs. He's lost weight before with me. I've always been the type to get on a weight loss kick every year or so, lose a little, then give up and gain it back...and he always followed suit. Now he's bigger than he's ever been but he seems to not care. He sees me trying and doesn't say anything but I can sort of tell that he's not taking me seriously because I've failed 100 times before. He doesn't seem interested in trying. We have a big trip planned next April and I said that I wanted us to lose some weight before we go and he agreed...but he hasn't made any effort.
I can't decide if it's helping or hurting me. On one hand, I feel that it's an extra reason for me to stay strong. I want to show him that I can do it and hopefully motivate him to try too.
On the other hand, it sort of makes me mad. I know I can't force him to lose weight and that he's got to do it himself but it honestly pisses me off to watch him shovel food into his mouth while I'm trying so hard next to him. Like tonight we had pasta and he complained because I got salad instead of bread and complained that I used marinara type sauce instead of cream sauce...then ate 3 pieces of buttered sliced bread with it. It's a little infuriating because I want to snottily ask "What the **** happened to losing weight?!"
Ugh. How can I change my perspective on this? I don't want to resent him. I love him. I don't know if I should talk to him about it or just continue to ignore it.
I don't want to be a *kitten*. I'm venting here because I don't want to be mean to him. I know that won't be helpful.
My husband is 6'3 and 350+ lbs. He's lost weight before with me. I've always been the type to get on a weight loss kick every year or so, lose a little, then give up and gain it back...and he always followed suit. Now he's bigger than he's ever been but he seems to not care. He sees me trying and doesn't say anything but I can sort of tell that he's not taking me seriously because I've failed 100 times before. He doesn't seem interested in trying. We have a big trip planned next April and I said that I wanted us to lose some weight before we go and he agreed...but he hasn't made any effort.
I can't decide if it's helping or hurting me. On one hand, I feel that it's an extra reason for me to stay strong. I want to show him that I can do it and hopefully motivate him to try too.
On the other hand, it sort of makes me mad. I know I can't force him to lose weight and that he's got to do it himself but it honestly pisses me off to watch him shovel food into his mouth while I'm trying so hard next to him. Like tonight we had pasta and he complained because I got salad instead of bread and complained that I used marinara type sauce instead of cream sauce...then ate 3 pieces of buttered sliced bread with it. It's a little infuriating because I want to snottily ask "What the **** happened to losing weight?!"
Ugh. How can I change my perspective on this? I don't want to resent him. I love him. I don't know if I should talk to him about it or just continue to ignore it.
I don't want to be a *kitten*. I'm venting here because I don't want to be mean to him. I know that won't be helpful.
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Replies
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Mccord,
I get it. My husband and I got fat together, I lost weight he didnt and then I gained it back. We are now working together. The only suggestion I have for you is to keep going and keep posting. You can do it!!3 -
Mccord,
I get it. My husband and I got fat together, I lost weight he didnt and then I gained it back. We are now working together. The only suggestion I have for you is to keep going and keep posting. You can do it!!
Thank you. He's always been very overweight. I was not but he helped me get there. Lol. We started dating as teenagers and I grew up very poor, not starving by any means, but just not a lot of extras and treats and only going out to eat maybe once or twice a year. Then he came along and spoiled me, taking me out to eat all the time. I gained 20 lbs just while we were dating. Then another 20 lbs after getting married...14 years and 3 kids later, I was 50 lbs overweight. Now down to 40.
I'm thinking about jokingly challenging him to see who can lose the most weight before our trip in April. He's super competitive. He'd easily win but he'd have to stick with for a whole year so maybe that will help him. I don't know.
It sounds mean that I get frustrated over it...but it's because I love him and we have 3 young children. We really need him to take care of himself. I just don't know how to say that without hurting his feelings and I don't want to do that.2 -
You do you, let him do him. Even in a marriage you have to be your own person. I eat low carb, have done for years. My OH does not. He is also about 15 - 20kg overweight. That's his business IMO. He eats chips and lollies and all kinds of snacks on a daily basis. He has his shelf in the pantry, I have the vege crisper drawer in the fridge (full of low carb snacks). At dinner time we eat meat and low carb veges or some kind. Either one of us cooks, and he does not fuss about carb sides - just eats what I do. What he does for the rest of the day is entirely up to him. I have got to the point now (87lbs down) where I don't social eat. Only I am responsible for what goes into my mouth, and only I will reap the consequences. 10 minutes after I eat it matters not to anyone else whether I said yes or no to what's on offer, it only matters to me.6
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mccord62803 wrote: »Is your partner/spouse overweight? If they are, are they actively trying to lose weight too? If they aren't trying to lose the weight, does it help or hinder you?
He was overweight. He lost a lot of his excess weight before I did. He started taking a medication that had a side effect of wrecking his appetite. He didn't try to lose weight but lost 30+ lbs in a year and has since maintained. He is not purposefully doing anything to manage his weight.
I was obese. I have actively been working to manage my weight through calorie counting and exercise. I am better off but still overweight after 2 years. Dh has not hindered me or hassled me with criticism or complaints. He was never my weight loss buddy though.
If your dh were at a healthy weight right now and did not need to lose weight do you think it would be difficult for you to do what you need for you? Would you resent him eating different food if he was a healthy weight? Because he probably would always get to eat more than you even at a healthy weight.
If I were you I would talk to him only about not criticising your food choices in future. If you want a salad you are going to have a salad not bread. If he truly does not like the food you made then he can make or buy his own- no complaints or hurt feelings on either side.
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Don't worry too much about what he is doing and just focus on you. As you become successful it might help him see that it is possible. He might be feeling frustrated with the yo-yoing. Maybe this time just lead by example.3
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If your dh were at a healthy weight right now and did not need to lose weight do you think it would be difficult for you to do what you need for you? Would you resent him eating different food if he was a healthy weight? Because he probably would always get to eat more than you even at a healthy weight.
If I were you I would talk to him only about not criticising your food choices in future. If you want a salad you are going to have a salad not bread. If he truly does not like the food you made then he can make or buy his own- no complaints or hurt feelings on either side.
No, it wouldn't upset me if he was at a healthy weight. The other times we've lost weight together, he was allowed much more calories than me and it didn't bother me. In fact, sometimes I would encourage him to eat more because he'd try to eat the same as me to lose weight faster.
It's only because of the fact that he's getting bigger and bigger. He's the heaviest he's ever been. It scares me and unfortunately when I'm stressed or sad about something my go to response is anger. So I find myself getting angry at him when I watch him overeat. Definitely my own issue that I need to work on.0 -
chasingtanee wrote: »Don't worry too much about what he is doing and just focus on you. As you become successful it might help him see that it is possible. He might be feeling frustrated with the yo-yoing. Maybe this time just lead by example.
I think that might be it. His whole family is morbidly obese and they don't care and I think maybe he's sick of caring since it's never stuck.
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Always lead by example.
My partner is myself. Best partner there is.
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Sent you a pm.0
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I really feel for you, trying to lose weight is hard enough as it is. My husband and I both gained the weight together and are now trying to lose together. When one of us falters on our journey the other tends to remind the other and it helps a lot, but sometimes we both fall off the wagon together (yum we love pizza and wings and not working out for weeks at a time).
It definitely sounds like he isn't being very nice by giving you a hard time when you eat healthy choices (go you by the way!!! Awesome restraint) but it definitely sounds like it's because he is used to you giving up. Maybe you could try adjusting how you lose your weight since obviously how you have done it in the past led you to burning out every time?
In the end you have to make your own choices and do it for yourself, but I bet he will follow suit if you truly are committed to it this time.. it just might take a longer time to convince him that you are in it for real.0 -
Maybe you can hire this guy to help get him back on track
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He sounds like a good guy. I wish you both the best.
Oh, he is. The best guy. That's why I fell in love with him. He is funny, sweet, smart, and is one of those rare people who truly loves making the ones he loves happy. He gets so excited about gifts he gives and his favorite thing in the world is planning fun trips with me and our kids. He does so much for us!
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I'm a little confused. You're upset that you have done this in the past, didn't follow through, and that he isn't jumping in with you because of this? You can't really blame the guy that he isn't taking it seriously if it has happened multiple times.
With that being said, lead by example. If you stick to it, he will possibly see results and feel motivated to do so himself. Maybe he won't. There's not much you can do aside from doing what you need to do for yourself. The red flag I see immediately is that you blame him for spoiling you, even in jest. You can still eat out, but in moderation. Look ahead at calorie content. Have a plan. But only you can control what you do.
My husband has always been fit. So I've always been on my own in weight loss. He's another that loves going out to eat. Sometimes multiple times a week. I just eat half and bring half home. What really helped, however, is that he was supportive in going to the gym. Now that may not be the case for everyone, but I probably wouldn't have gone if it hadn't been for him due to my anxiety.3 -
WickAndArtoo wrote: »I really feel for you, trying to lose weight is hard enough as it is. My husband and I both gained the weight together and are now trying to lose together. When one of us falters on our journey the other tends to remind the other and it helps a lot, but sometimes we both fall off the wagon together (yum we love pizza and wings and not working out for weeks at a time).
It definitely sounds like he isn't being very nice by giving you a hard time when you eat healthy choices (go you by the way!!! Awesome restraint) but it definitely sounds like it's because he is used to you giving up. Maybe you could try adjusting how you lose your weight since obviously how you have done it in the past led you to burning out every time?
In the end you have to make your own choices and do it for yourself, but I bet he will follow suit if you truly are committed to it this time.. it just might take a longer time to convince him that you are in it for real.
I'm sure that's exactly it...he's expecting me to fail again. He's thinking "Ok, humor her for a couple weeks and then things will get back to normal." I can't blame him at all for that either.
He's not being mean about it. I just know him so I can tell by his voice and actions that he's disapproving. It's only with the food choices though. He's been telling me he's proud of me for walking every day and going with me on the weekends. That might have more to do with me having a back injury though.
I'm excited to say that I have changed how I'm doing things. Mostly just giving myself some forgiveness and slack but also making my goal weight more obtainable. I'll probably never be 125 lbs. Lol. I felt pretty good at 155 (wanted to lose some but still felt attractive and had more energy) so I've decided to make 140 my ultimate goal since that's the high end of a healthy weight for my height. I want to be at that goal in one year...as of this morning I'm 38 lbs away from it. Which isn't bad at all!
I used to only focus on the ultimate goal but now I'm celebrating each lb lost. I'm at 17 lbs lost and that's awesome. I'm also not beating myself up about it. I had Panda Express Saturday night. I'm planning on enjoying a falafel gyro this weekend. If I don't lose anything this weekend, oh well. If I gain a lb, well I'm still ahead in the long run. I can make small changes like salad instead of bread but I'm not going to deprive myself. That's how I've always failed.
So I'm hoping that my husband will notice that things are different this time.
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The only thing I can add from the other side is a couple should work together at weight loss I am 3 yrs behind my partner and she is incredibly strong and fit. She was so busy working on herself that I just stayed behind molding my backside into a lazy boy and gaining another 40 lbs. Even though I am now making the effort it is still difficult since she can literally bike run and hike all in the same day and often will. Sometimes I feel like I am holding her back. So do it together folks it is much easier on the relationship.1
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My husband is overweight. He's 5'9" and somewhere around 215lbs. He wants to lose weight and get in shape, but with work, school, and taking care of the kids it's a lot for him right now. So he does what he can when he can.
I'm either away from home a lot this year or my full time job I work 4 days, but I leave home at 5am and don't get home until 6:30pm. Then I workout and he cooks for us. I feel like I'm the one holding up his progress because he's basically taking care of kids himself and taking care of me. But he graduates in December and I'm hoping that means a change. I want to be able to keep working out with him on days we can together, but I don't want to surpass him and leave him alone.0 -
Luckily, I feel like he's more physically fit than I am even though he's so much more overweight than I am. I can't run for 60 seconds without feeling like I'm going to die but he once ran a mile just because I said he couldn't do it. He's ran in two 5Ks. He was a little smaller then but still over 320 lbs.
So it will probably be awhile until I surpass him in that department.
I'm going to have a gentle talk with him today. Lots of "we" instead of "you". I think I'll playfully make a bet about who can lose more (and keep it off) in the next year.0 -
My husband and I gained weight together too. Not more than 20-40lbs but still, we hated it. Now we both notice when one or the other gains weight, we both notice when we ourselves gain weight and we are lucky to usually take breaks together, gain weight from our diet "breaks" and lose it together again too. Maybe you should talk to him about. Carrying extra weight is not only unattractive it is very unhealthy. I would want my husband to help me if it was me, and I would try to help him. It is a hard talk tho, even as open as we are with each other I think it would be touchy to try and not hurt the others feelings, but I think sometimes you have to. My husband is my biggest motivation, I want to look good for him.1
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My boyfriend is a little overweight, and has been since the start of our relationship. He's not obese or anything, but has expressed his desire to lose about 10 pounds or so. Me, on the other hand, I am considered obese, even though I don't look it. I'm actively trying to lose weight, and while he is not, it is not a hindrance to me because he is so incredibly supportive. He views this as a team effort, even though I'm doing the work.
It definitely helps to have his support, because he will generally suggest healthier alternatives for me for food. For example, we're making burgers tomorrow night for dinner and while I told him I would save the extra calories for the bun, he suggested that I get some romaine or green leaf lettuce instead because he would love for me to not have to make that sacrifice and was more than happy to forgo his bun for a lettuce wrap instead! It has made this so much easier on me than in past relationships where I didn't have support, only criticism that made me feel like crap.1 -
My husband is overweight too, but never as large as me. We married later in life - in our late 30's. In our whole marriage, I think I've weighed less than him once...I'd lost 100 lbs, he lost 50. We both gained almost 100% of it back and are starting over. We were both overweight when we met and when we married. I love him from his bald head to his gorilla belly and hairless legs. Best man I've ever known.
That said, he is on board with losing weight again. In fact, he may be more serious than I am as his blood sugar levels are in the diabetic range and it's scaring him. His father and sister are diabetic. But, he also has much more of a sweet tooth than I do - which is saying something. We've long joked that he thinks ice cream is it's own food group. I can stick a bag of chocolates up in the cupboard and forget them - when I want one, they'll be gone. Of the two of us, he's MUCH more likely to grab a snack when he's out and about. I'll go without food until I'm shaky rather that spend the money on fast food - but then I'm a cheapskate - which helps.
Really mccord I'd emphasis health over weight. He may be more fit, in that he can run a mile, but you said obesity runs in his family. Any heart disease? Diabetes? Stroke? Knee replacements? He wants to be there to see his grandkids, right? He doesn't want to take a scooter to his son's graduation, right? He wants the kids to be fit and healthy, right? Eating more healthily and getting more exercise NOW will greatly enhance his life later. You look really young in your photo. I'm 53 and my husband is 50. Believe me when I say, it's MUCH harder at our age to lose this weight.0 -
vespiquenn wrote: »I'm a little confused. You're upset that you have done this in the past, didn't follow through, and that he isn't jumping in with you because of this? You can't really blame the guy that he isn't taking it seriously if it has happened multiple times.
With that being said, lead by example. If you stick to it, he will possibly see results and feel motivated to do so himself. Maybe he won't. There's not much you can do aside from doing what you need to do for yourself. The red flag I see immediately is that you blame him for spoiling you, even in jest. You can still eat out, but in moderation. Look ahead at calorie content. Have a plan. But only you can control what you do.
My husband has always been fit. So I've always been on my own in weight loss. He's another that loves going out to eat. Sometimes multiple times a week. I just eat half and bring half home. What really helped, however, is that he was supportive in going to the gym. Now that may not be the case for everyone, but I probably wouldn't have gone if it hadn't been for him due to my anxiety.
From what I gather she isn't mad at him for that, she is scared for his health and her stress response is anger/frustration in situaions where scared/stressed/overwhelmed. It's kind of hard to explain to someone who responds to these things in a different way, but for me I am the same way.1 -
mccord62803 wrote: »WickAndArtoo wrote: »I really feel for you, trying to lose weight is hard enough as it is. My husband and I both gained the weight together and are now trying to lose together. When one of us falters on our journey the other tends to remind the other and it helps a lot, but sometimes we both fall off the wagon together (yum we love pizza and wings and not working out for weeks at a time).
It definitely sounds like he isn't being very nice by giving you a hard time when you eat healthy choices (go you by the way!!! Awesome restraint) but it definitely sounds like it's because he is used to you giving up. Maybe you could try adjusting how you lose your weight since obviously how you have done it in the past led you to burning out every time?
In the end you have to make your own choices and do it for yourself, but I bet he will follow suit if you truly are committed to it this time.. it just might take a longer time to convince him that you are in it for real.
I'm sure that's exactly it...he's expecting me to fail again. He's thinking "Ok, humor her for a couple weeks and then things will get back to normal." I can't blame him at all for that either.
He's not being mean about it. I just know him so I can tell by his voice and actions that he's disapproving. It's only with the food choices though. He's been telling me he's proud of me for walking every day and going with me on the weekends. That might have more to do with me having a back injury though.
I'm excited to say that I have changed how I'm doing things. Mostly just giving myself some forgiveness and slack but also making my goal weight more obtainable. I'll probably never be 125 lbs. Lol. I felt pretty good at 155 (wanted to lose some but still felt attractive and had more energy) so I've decided to make 140 my ultimate goal since that's the high end of a healthy weight for my height. I want to be at that goal in one year...as of this morning I'm 38 lbs away from it. Which isn't bad at all!
I used to only focus on the ultimate goal but now I'm celebrating each lb lost. I'm at 17 lbs lost and that's awesome. I'm also not beating myself up about it. I had Panda Express Saturday night. I'm planning on enjoying a falafel gyro this weekend. If I don't lose anything this weekend, oh well. If I gain a lb, well I'm still ahead in the long run. I can make small changes like salad instead of bread but I'm not going to deprive myself. That's how I've always failed.
So I'm hoping that my husband will notice that things are different this time.
Wow that is so awesome, nice work! It really sounds like you are committed
and you are treating yourself well which you deserve. I think if you talk to him nicely he will come around at least to you doing it... which is really all you can ask for. But I hope for his healths sake he will change his heart and join you. 0 -
LadyLilion wrote: »My husband is overweight too, but never as large as me. We married later in life - in our late 30's. In our whole marriage, I think I've weighed less than him once...I'd lost 100 lbs, he lost 50. We both gained almost 100% of it back and are starting over. We were both overweight when we met and when we married. I love him from his bald head to his gorilla belly and hairless legs. Best man I've ever known.
That said, he is on board with losing weight again. In fact, he may be more serious than I am as his blood sugar levels are in the diabetic range and it's scaring him. His father and sister are diabetic. But, he also has much more of a sweet tooth than I do - which is saying something. We've long joked that he thinks ice cream is it's own food group. I can stick a bag of chocolates up in the cupboard and forget them - when I want one, they'll be gone. Of the two of us, he's MUCH more likely to grab a snack when he's out and about. I'll go without food until I'm shaky rather that spend the money on fast food - but then I'm a cheapskate - which helps.
Really mccord I'd emphasis health over weight. He may be more fit, in that he can run a mile, but you said obesity runs in his family. Any heart disease? Diabetes? Stroke? Knee replacements? He wants to be there to see his grandkids, right? He doesn't want to take a scooter to his son's graduation, right? He wants the kids to be fit and healthy, right? Eating more healthily and getting more exercise NOW will greatly enhance his life later. You look really young in your photo. I'm 53 and my husband is 50. Believe me when I say, it's MUCH harder at our age to lose this weight.
Yes, it's only his health that I'm worried about. He was probably over 300 lbs when we met back when I was like 130 lbs and my friends wondered what I was doing with him. So it's not the actual weight, it's just his health. I'd even like him to keep some of it. Apparently I like beefy guys. Lol.
It's not something I ever worried about before but now that we have 3 kids and are getting older (I'm 33, he's 34), I'm starting to think about our health more. I want us to be good examples for our kids and be around for a long time.
His parents are both on disability because of diabetes. His dad has had a couple heart attacks and his mom has recently had at least 2 strokes. They are both diabetic.
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mccord62803 wrote: »If your dh were at a healthy weight right now and did not need to lose weight do you think it would be difficult for you to do what you need for you? Would you resent him eating different food if he was a healthy weight? Because he probably would always get to eat more than you even at a healthy weight.
If I were you I would talk to him only about not criticising your food choices in future. If you want a salad you are going to have a salad not bread. If he truly does not like the food you made then he can make or buy his own- no complaints or hurt feelings on either side.
No, it wouldn't upset me if he was at a healthy weight. The other times we've lost weight together, he was allowed much more calories than me and it didn't bother me. In fact, sometimes I would encourage him to eat more because he'd try to eat the same as me to lose weight faster.
It's only because of the fact that he's getting bigger and bigger. He's the heaviest he's ever been. It scares me and unfortunately when I'm stressed or sad about something my go to response is anger. So I find myself getting angry at him when I watch him overeat. Definitely my own issue that I need to work on.
Your original question was about the impact on your loss if he is not participating and resentment. I think you can see that it doesn't have to stop you.
It is valid to be concerned about a partner's health. If you are worried and scared I would have a calm serious talk with him about the health aspect of being overweight.
Ultimately it is something he needs to decide to do. Chances are that if he sees you being successful he will get serious too.0 -
mccord62803 wrote: »Luckily, I feel like he's more physically fit than I am even though he's so much more overweight than I am. I can't run for 60 seconds without feeling like I'm going to die but he once ran a mile just because I said he couldn't do it. He's ran in two 5Ks. He was a little smaller then but still over 320 lbs.
So it will probably be awhile until I surpass him in that department.
I'm going to have a gentle talk with him today. Lots of "we" instead of "you". I think I'll playfully make a bet about who can lose more (and keep it off) in the next year.
Can I suggest keeping your comments to the extent of "I love you and I'm worried about your health. The kids and I want you around for a very long time. Would you be willing to walk side by side with me and we work together to both get healthy so we can have each other for a very long time?"
My husband I recently walked this road and I can tell you that saying anything beyond "I'm worried I'm going to lose you because of your health" is going to leave scars that are VERY difficult to get past.4 -
Mine was chubby, but I was morbidly obese. I started losing first, and he was relatively supportive but not involved beyond getting a Fitbit for both of us. Then one day he decided to join MFP and get on the food weighing bandwagon. Together we have lost at least 175lbs.
Hopefully your hubby gets on board too, but for now just keep working on doing what you need to do for yourself.
My story.0 -
I lost weight. Hubby found it. He's trying a little, but I don't think he believes he can do it.
I'll just wait until he's ready. He waited for me. Hopefully it's before his health problems get worse.2 -
Nope. He's pretty fit and normal weight.1
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Just wanted to give a little update...
I was planning on talking to him about it last night but he surprised me by bringing it up himself. The first thing he said was that watching me weigh out a small portion of pasta the other night was the saddest thing ever. Lol. But I turned it around and just smiled and said that was why I ate a large salad before the pasta, so I could still enjoy some pasta without going over my calories. Then he said that he wanted to start eating better with me and that he always feels like he can do it when he watches me eat better.
I brought up maybe having a challenge on who could lose more (and keep it off) in one year and we shook on it. $100 to the winner. I have no chance of winning if he sticks with it but I hope he does.8 -
No. Used to be until she started ballroom dancing competitively and teaching Zumba.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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