Tipping Scale at 300 Pounds (again...)

lindsayforlife

I've been off MFP for over a year, and even when I was popping on, it was not consistent. My highest weight was 350 pounds in April of 2011. I have got down as low as 275, but my weight just comes back on and stays. I'm now struggling to stay under 300 pounds, but the scale was teetering at 298 this morning.

My issues:

A complete sense of self-hatred and loathing.
Disgust with my body and my relationship with food.
Helplessness over the power of food.
Binge Eating Disorder
Compulsive Overeating
Periods of binge/purge cycle
Obsession with Food
(also married to a man with severe food issues, but he is managing better than me...)
Depression and Anxiety
Several severe auto immune disorders include severe ulcerative colitis. The medication caused me to quickly gain 40 pounds after the illness dropped me to 260 pounds last spring. (I know I ate the food, but Prednisone makes you RAVENOUSLY hungry which is perfect for a compulsive overeater.

I've been fat since 5 years old, went through over a decade of abuse and severe trauma and have always used food for comfort and a means to attempt to emotionally heal (or, simply cope). Vicious cycle, need to eat to live, too fat to exercise and all the other things that many people on this site boil down to "excuses".

I'm too sore to walk (fibromyalgia and both rheumatoid and osteoarthritis) for any great distance, but I try. I'm too fat to go swimming - sorry not gonna happen, and I can ride a bike for about 4 minutes before the seat riding up my *kitten* and the feeling of my kneecaps wanting to bust out of the joint makes me abandon it in short order.

I wake each morning in severe pain, and tell myself over and over and over again: not today. you won't give in today. you can do it. you can do it.....until the voice in my head takes over and tells me: just one more of this or one more of that won't hurt. I'm just one comment or glare away from binging to the point that I throw up. Only one person has to look at the tiny space beside me on the bus seat and roll their eyes, and that can send me into a week-long binge.

I'm putting this out there again, not because I've given up, but because every single day I wake up with good intentions, even packing myself healthy lunches and snacks, and end the day more often than not in a pile of defeat. It's not as simple as calories in/ calories out. And yes, I've been to therapy, but all they do is suggest alternative methods for coping without ever going into the trauma and real issues that are causing the behaviour in the first place.

I'm giving it another try and am going to try to come here daily to log. But I'm sitting here starving, with a deep pain in my stomach, and nothing to feed my emotional burdens. Healthy breakfast: check! Healthy snacks: check! Healthy lunch sitting and waiting for my in the office fridge? Checkaroo! Fit Bit strapped to my wrist with 2500 steps logged before noon? Check! But I cannot escape the voice, the demon, the monster telling me to eat. eat. eat. eat. eat. eat!!!!!!!

So, here I sit, struggling with my inner self and wishing there was more I could do to gain control over this.

skellymama1

I'm so sorry you are struggling, the only thing I can recommend is some guided meditation for anxiety and stress. It will help calm and clear your mind. Sometimes when the brain fog is lifted, everything seems a little bit easier.
Losing weight and exercising is an act of self love, this is what you need to find your way back to. It is there, you will just have to work to find it.
I wish you well on your journey. Xx.

mommazach

Oh sweet lady, you need some motivational friends. As I'm looking at your thread, I feel your defeat. Don't set yourself up! So many times in our lives we look at a vicious cycle and see that it can't be overcome. But it truly CAN! I have literally tried everything that has been made for diet pills, gimmicks, and foods. I have overcome PCOS, and have now defeated over 60+ lbs of fat, and it's never coming back. Now... best options for hunger in the moment is a big old glass of water, and getting rid of sugar cravings. One is easy, the other takes a few days. I have no idea what type of diet you are on, but I didn't start losing until I started Keto. Then I got Keto flu. So... Add me as your friend, send me messages if you need encouragement, and take the first step by telling yourself that YOU are worthy to be loved. Put yourself First in your plan, and you will succeed with flying colors.

cross2bear

I hear your struggle and I can relate in some ways. Given the myriad of conditions with which you must cope, I sincerely believe that a therapist would be your best option - you have a variety of issues that you recognize need addressing, and until you are able to focus on improving your health by losing weight, the other, competing concerns are going to get in your way. Its not a hopeless situation of course - but I dont think you are emotionally ready to commit to losing weight. It has to be what you want more than anything else in your whole life - more than wanting to eat something. More than wanting the pain to go away. More than allowing mere strangers on the bus to dictate and control your moods.

Finding the right therapist can be work in itself. If you do not believe that your current resource is helping you, then find another - and another, until you get the right one.

I believe that everyone can be successful by applying the CICO science to their eating behaviour, but you have to be prepared to commit and be consistent. I wish you the best of luck in finding your aha moment.

BlueSkyShoal

First of all, congratulations on losing 50 pounds! Even though you're struggling right now, that is a GREAT accomplishment! I've yo-yo-ed before too, and the bright side of it is . . . even if you have gained weight, you know that you CAN lose it too.

I think for a lot of people, weight is more the sign of their emotional burdens than anything else. It sounds like you've endured some painful experiences in the past, and that you're caught in a cycle of self-loathing, which fuels over-eating, which fuels self-loathing.

My recommendation would be to go back to therapy first of all, and if they don't address your past problems . . . drop that therapist and keep hunting until you find one who does. I say this not only because your past issues are part of the reason you overeat, but also because even if you DO lose the weight, your past is still going to drag you down until you grapple with it. Being skinny and unhappy brings less health problems than being overweight and unhappy, but it's hardly ideal. You deserve better. And honestly, you are a worthwhile person no matter how much you weigh. Losing weight is to improve YOUR quality of life because you're already worth it; it's not a test you have to pass to qualify as "human being worthy of respect", you know what I mean?

A lot of people here are able to keep cookies in the cupboard and not binge on them--which is great, but when I started losing weight, I was not one of those people. I would absolutely binge on any sweets in the house. So, I didn't keep sweets in the house. Do NOT feel bad about cutting certain foods off your grocery list if that's what you need to do. (Personally, I kept sweets out of the house, but would occasionally buy a cookie or whatnot from Starbucks. That way I didn't feel deprived, but I also was eating just ONE cookie rather than buying a whole bag of cookies that would have been eaten in one sitting.)

I did not have much willpower when I started trying to lose weight. I am VERY familiar with the "eat eat eat" voice you describe. I would also "bored eat". It was a real struggle.

It sounds like it's easy for one less-than-ideal food choice to depress you and send you spiraling out of control. Suggestion: start small. Try controlling your calories for ONE meal for a day. Like "I am going to eat 350 calories for breakfast, and after that I'll eat as much as I want." Then do the same the next day, and the next. Don't worry about weight just yet, just try to gradually increase the amount of time you're "in control." I think you need some victories to buoy you up. And small victories are still victories.

lindsayforlife

Thank you, this is very kind hearted and helpful.