Joke thread

Pippavanderpost

A guy was in a cab going home from work when he checked his wallet and realised he didn't have enough money for the fare. He figured he's get the taxi driver to stop at an atm so knocked on the perspex divider and the driver screamed and nearly swerved off the road. He managed to calm down and the guy apologised for startling him.The cab driver apologised "It's not your fault, I haven't driven a cab very long before that for 20 years I was driving a hearse"

iTim__

Only antivaxers will get this...

MEASLES!

finny11122

Why could not the tomato get up the hill ? ............ He ran out of juice

iTim__

How do you know how heavy a Chili Pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!

Pippavanderpost

if you put a ring in your ear it is an earring, put a ring through your nose it's a nose ring, on your toe a toe ring even in your belly button it is called a belly button ring. How come a ring on your finger is just called a ring and not a finger ring?

Pippavanderpost

A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the Rancher

Pippavanderpost

A man wakes up in hospital, and the doctor tells him he was in a car crash. "The lower half of your body was pretty mangled", says the doctor. "The good news is, we've managed to save your legs. Unfortunately, we weren't able to save your penis".


The man is, understandably, somewhat upset to hear this.


Then the doctor says, "There is one ray of good news. With the recent advances in stem cell technology, it's possible to grow a new one for you in the lab. However, this isn't available on the under your health insurance, and it's not cheap - it'll cost you $1000 per inch. I suggest you discuss it with your wife and decide what size you'd like".


That evening, the man's wife comes to visit him, and he tells her what the doctor said.


Next morning, the doctor comes to see the man, and says, "Did you discuss the matter with your wife ?"
"Yes", says the man.
"And have you come to a decision ?"
"Yes. We're having a new kitchen".

dawson002

"Doctor, I cant stop singing the Green Green Grass Of Home"
"Sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome"
"Is it rare?"
"Its not unusual"!!