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Commiserating with those who are clearly overweight when you're not clearly overweight.
distinctlybeautiful
Posts: 1,041 Member
Do y'all think this is acceptable? I'm at the high end of a healthy BMI and at the high end of a good body fat range for my height. I'm not lean, but - putting aside my own more critical eye - I'm not obviously overweight or overfat. Recently two different clearly overweight coworkers on two different occasions mentioned weight struggles and clothing-not-fitting struggles, and I legitimately and honestly related to their experiences. I expressed that and commiserated when we were talking. Then I wondered if it's somehow offensive to them, and I think this idea came to me because I always used to be very put off when people who obviously weighed less than me called themselves fat. I mean, what must they have thought of me if they thought they were fat. I've finally gotten to a place where I recognize that people's comments and feelings about themselves don't necessarily reflect how they feel about others, but I don't know if that's a common place to be. What do y'all think? Was I somehow being insensitive?
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I do not think you were insensitive at all, you were trying to show empathy like showing that you could understand where they were coming from. I understand what you mean though but since you sound like a nice and sensitive person, your coworkers must know that it comes from a good place
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You're not responsible for reasonable interactions that someone ELSE takes as being offensive.24
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No, I don't think you were being insensitive. You're allowed to have your own thoughts and opinions of your own body. Anything they think of themselves from comments you made about you is just a projection of how they really feel about their own bodies.6
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I love it when overweight people give me nutrition advice17
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Nothing wrong with commiserating as a formerly fat person. What I find annoying are... skinny people half my age who've never been fat complaining about how awful they look in a swimsuit, or sharing advice.
IMO, if you BTDT, you've got a right and a responsibility to share what worked for you. But, preface with your credentials.16 -
stanmann571 wrote: »Nothing wrong with commiserating as a formerly fat person. What I find annoying are... skinny people half my age who've never been fat complaining about how awful they look in a swimsuit, or sharing advice.
IMO, if you BTDT, you've got a right and a responsibility to share what worked for you. But, preface with your credentials.
Why do you need "credentials" of being fat or formerly fat in order to share struggles with weight? I've never been overweight my entire life but that doesn't mean I've never struggled with my weight. It's wrong to assume all skinny or normal weight people are just blithely oblivious and are that way naturally. It takes hard work and brains to stay a healthy weight. Why not share struggles?20 -
I think there is a big difference between commiserating with someone about clothing size frustration and the like, and sitting in front of someone much larger than you and saying how fat and disgusting you think you are. I'll admit frustration with the second, it's just a bit thoughtless in my book. Happy to take advice from smaller people though.19
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stanmann571 wrote: »Nothing wrong with commiserating as a formerly fat person. What I find annoying are... skinny people half my age who've never been fat complaining about how awful they look in a swimsuit, or sharing advice.
IMO, if you BTDT, you've got a right and a responsibility to share what worked for you. But, preface with your credentials.
Why do you need "credentials" of being fat or formerly fat in order to share struggles with weight? I've never been overweight my entire life but that doesn't mean I've never struggled with my weight. It's wrong to assume all skinny or normal weight people are just blithely oblivious and are that way naturally. It takes hard work and brains to stay a healthy weight. Why not share struggles?
Because a 22 year old who weighs A buck 10 who's never weighed more than a Buck 15, likely doesn't have the experience or education to provide meaningful advice. OTOH, a 19 year old who's currently beasting at 125 who dropped down from 225 2 years back probably has value to share.
Yeah. I'm prejudiced, and a little bitter and jaded, mostly because the worst and most useless advice I've gotten has come from the first person and his/her clones.14 -
stanmann571 wrote: »stanmann571 wrote: »Nothing wrong with commiserating as a formerly fat person. What I find annoying are... skinny people half my age who've never been fat complaining about how awful they look in a swimsuit, or sharing advice.
IMO, if you BTDT, you've got a right and a responsibility to share what worked for you. But, preface with your credentials.
Why do you need "credentials" of being fat or formerly fat in order to share struggles with weight? I've never been overweight my entire life but that doesn't mean I've never struggled with my weight. It's wrong to assume all skinny or normal weight people are just blithely oblivious and are that way naturally. It takes hard work and brains to stay a healthy weight. Why not share struggles?
Because a 22 year old who weighs A buck 10 who's never weighed more than a Buck 15, likely doesn't have the experience or education to provide meaningful advice. OTOH, a 19 year old who's currently beasting at 125 who dropped down from 225 2 years back probably has value to share.
Yeah. I'm prejudiced, and a little bitter and jaded, mostly because the worst and most useless advice I've gotten has come from the first person and his/her clones.
On the flip side of that, someone who is overweight or obese and has lost either no weight or a very small amount of weight over a long period of time (such two years to drop 35 pounds for someone who is class II obese) also probably doesn't have much valuable insight to share with respect to diet and exercise.10 -
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Ironandwine69 wrote: »I love it when overweight people give me nutrition advice
LOL what she said.3 -
stanmann571 wrote: »Nothing wrong with commiserating as a formerly fat person. What I find annoying are... skinny people half my age who've never been fat complaining about how awful they look in a swimsuit, or sharing advice.
IMO, if you BTDT, you've got a right and a responsibility to share what worked for you. But, preface with your credentials.
Isn't never been fat an accomplishment on it's own?14 -
Lots of people who are average weight now have either struggled to lose weight to get there, or struggle to maintain it. So I think that you can share your struggles.3
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I agree. It sounds like you are a nice person and I wouldn't worry about it. You are allowed to share your personal insights and opinions in discussions like that.
I actually have to admit, that previously I used to look at "skinny" or "athletic" people and think they were "lucky" when I was at my heaviest- but now I know how much hard work is involved and like someone says, it takes a lot of thought and preparation for some to be at a healthy BMI. Now I welcome insights from people who actually are making it work, whether or not they were overweight/obese to begin with. I actually struggle sometimes with other IRL overweight people sharing their advice, which is not always sustainable or safe, and knowing the best arena which to educate helpfully or just shut up and ignore them.6 -
ValeriePlz wrote: »Lots of people who are average weight now have either struggled to lose weight to get there, or struggle to maintain it. So I think that you can share your struggles.
And the ones that haven't, chances are worked very hard to not be overweight. So if anything, they have found a way that works( for them)5 -
Ironandwine69 wrote: »stanmann571 wrote: »Nothing wrong with commiserating as a formerly fat person. What I find annoying are... skinny people half my age who've never been fat complaining about how awful they look in a swimsuit, or sharing advice.
IMO, if you BTDT, you've got a right and a responsibility to share what worked for you. But, preface with your credentials.
Isn't never been fat an accomplishment on it's own?
Not usually.11 -
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zachbonner_ wrote: »stanmann571 wrote: »Nothing wrong with commiserating as a formerly fat person. What I find annoying are... skinny people half my age who've never been fat complaining about how awful they look in a swimsuit, or sharing advice.
IMO, if you BTDT, you've got a right and a responsibility to share what worked for you. But, preface with your credentials.
I forgot that only fat people have body image issues.
Welcome to FA/HAES/body positivity.Ironandwine69 wrote: »ValeriePlz wrote: »Lots of people who are average weight now have either struggled to lose weight to get there, or struggle to maintain it. So I think that you can share your struggles.
And the ones that haven't, chances are worked very hard to not be overweight. So if anything, they have found a way that works( for them)
Don't worry, someone will tell you that you're just lucky, it's genetics, or some other reason why being fit has nothing to do with hard work and dedicatoin.7 -
distinctlybeautiful wrote: »I've finally gotten to a place where I recognize that people's comments and feelings about themselves don't necessarily reflect how they feel about others.
This is how I feel about it, people tend to judge themselves more harshly than those around them, so someone may be very judgemental about their own body and be looking at me thinking I look just fine. Plus, you don't have to be a specific size to have clothing issues. I have a friend who is a normal weight and just happens to be built with a heck of a bedonkadonk. She has issues finding pants that fit without gaping at the waist or being baggy on her thighs, and I can see how that's a struggle for her build.
That's not to say there aren't overly sensitive people who will take offense, but such is life.
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There should be, like, a rule in the employee handbook that you can't talk about being fat at work. Or weight watchers or how many points food has. Also, no calorie talk and no fat gram rants. It should be a fireable offense. It would make life easier for us all.
At my work, usually the ones that keep talking about points, calories, lunch walks etc are the overweight ones. Which is great, but if 3 years later you are still overweight and talking about it, I wouldnt start writing a book on nutrition just yet.9 -
zachbonner_ wrote: »There should be, like, a rule in the employee handbook that you can't talk about being fat at work. Or weight watchers or how many points food has. Also, no calorie talk and no fat gram rants. It should be a fireable offense. It would make life easier for us all.
The way our culture is headed, I wouldn't even be surprised if it got to that point.
I hope I'm dead by then. It sounds awful to deal with something that restrictive. I already avoid banter with coworkers because the risk of someone's feelings getting ruffled is too great. Mention running a half marathon? Might upset someone, can't do it. Mention drinking beer? Might upset someone, can't do it.5 -
Ironandwine69 wrote: »At my work, usually the ones that keep talking about points, calories, lunch walks etc are the overweight ones. Which is great, but if 3 years later you are still overweight and talking about it, I wouldnt start writing a book on nutrition just yet.
And they've had a Fitbit for years with no effect...5 -
It's troubling that this prejudice exists against healthy weight people, especially if they're young. People should not assume they've never struggled with weight. My 13yo daughter has been diagnosed with hypothyroidism and she's never been overweight but she can tell a person when she's 22 about struggling with it plus a fatigue causing major vitamin D deficiency both of which are common causes of obesity and how she had to take steps from a young age to stay healthy. I don't think it's fair to assume someone has zero experience in battling the bulge because of their age and/or weight. It's simply that they've never lost a battle and been successful all along.6
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Since they started the discussion you were simply responding with your understanding. If they then felt offended, they have issues. I expect they just trust and relate with you.
I think your fear is more relevant when the skinny person is starting the whine session, though the problem of clothes not fitting affects people at every BMI level.distinctlybeautiful wrote: »Do y'all think this is acceptable? I'm at the high end of a healthy BMI and at the high end of a good body fat range for my height. I'm not lean, but - putting aside my own more critical eye - I'm not obviously overweight or overfat. Recently two different clearly overweight coworkers on two different occasions mentioned weight struggles and clothing-not-fitting struggles, and I legitimately and honestly related to their experiences. I expressed that and commiserated when we were talking. Then I wondered if it's somehow offensive to them, and I think this idea came to me because I always used to be very put off when people who obviously weighed less than me called themselves fat. I mean, what must they have thought of me if they thought they were fat. I've finally gotten to a place where I recognize that people's comments and feelings about themselves don't necessarily reflect how they feel about others, but I don't know if that's a common place to be. What do y'all think? Was I somehow being insensitive?
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I've had coworkers of all sizes and universally women especially have commiserated about their weight no matter what size they are. Two of my coworkers that sat in my cube area were both each a size 4 and were always talking about how fat they were, I certainly didn't see it, as I was sitting there a size 18 or higher some times, but clearly that's what they saw when they looked in the mirror and that was their experience so I wasn't going to diminish them or put them down for feeling that way. I haven't heard men talk about their weight, size etc. as much as women, I don't know if that is a societal thing, media, magazines, etc. I stopped reading magazines years ago for reasons that even health magazines main articles were about looking good for a man, how to catch a man, what to do to make your body hot for a man. It just never seemed to be about health even when the magazine was suppose to be about health. It was all about getting a man.7
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There should be, like, a rule in the employee handbook that you can't talk about being fat at work. Or weight watchers or how many points food has. Also, no calorie talk and no fat gram rants. It should be a fireable offense. It would make life easier for us all.
Just joshing y'all. The rules at the workplace are draconian enough. Although I did ask if they would let me move to a new desk once because my next door neighbor talked about weight watchers and points all day long and I just couldn't take it anymore.
Noise canceling in ear headphones were one of the best purchases I ever made.
Now I don't have to hear about anyone's kids, their shoes, their shopping trips, their drunken escapades, what they like in their coffee, how there are doughnuts in the kitchen, or that thing someone saw on Facebook. The only thing better is working from home.9 -
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You have as much right to your feelings as anyone else.2
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