Spouses/SO of Alcoholics

sarraheclark

My spouses drinking is starting to take its toll on me physically and mentally. Anyone else in/been a similar situation? These are unique challenges.

cmriverside

I'm so sorry, I understand your struggles.

Have you looked for specific support groups for friends and family of alcoholics? I know there are forums on the internet that specialize in this...google "sober recovery" - that forum has great F&F support and info.

There is also Al Anon (it's a 12 Step group for friends and family of alcoholics.) Also many churches have Celebrate Recovery, same type thing.

I hope you find your power in your own life and are able to detach from his destructive behavior.

Geocitiesuser

I've dealt with having to live with alcoholics a few times in my life. Once was a parent, once was an SO. I eventually had to kick the SO out because it was too much to deal with. If you're married you need to find a way to coax them into some sort of recovery. I'm being 100% honest with you, my opinion is that most alcoholics have no intention of changing and it's better to leave them. But I am not you, and I don't know your situation. I just personally really dislike alcoholics because of my bad experiences dealing with them.

pgarcia1964

My ex-husband was an alcoholic. I tried everything to get him to get help. I got so tired of seeing him drunk and passed out on the couch every night. I finally had to ask him to leave. He came back the next day drinking a soda and said he quit. I had to tell him no, it doesn't happen overnight. He never got help and we divorced. It was sad because other than that, he was a good guy.

Geocitiesuser

ppuente64 wrote: »

My ex-husband was an alcoholic. I tried everything to get him to get help. I got so tired of seeing him drunk and passed out on the couch every night. I finally had to ask him to leave. He came back the next day drinking a soda and said he quit. I had to tell him no, it doesn't happen overnight. He never got help and we divorced. It was sad because other than that, he was a good guy.

I used to carry mine up the stairs and drag her into bed b/c she'd pass out on the FLOOR most nights. A few times she passed out in the tub with the hot water running. Never again. As far as I know she never got her drinking under control. The ONLY people I've ever met who have recovered are people who have gone to AA, but again, only if they fully buy into the dogma there.

The progression of alcoholism is scary and almost always ends up in bitter verbal abuse if not physical abuse. Alcoholics develop really nasty attitudes. There's just something about it..... Alcohol can be a nasty drug.

OP I really wish you the best in dealing with it, b/c being married to an alcoholic is going to be HARD. I don't think there's a clear answer. You can try to support only so much, but they are the ones who have to want to change.

Treece68

It does take its toll on you. Every night having to deal with their BS and then you are angry the next day and they get to forget about it. I am in a mood today for the same reason.

Katiebear_81

My SO is an alcoholic. It's mostly "under control" these days. He's taking meds for the anxiety/depression that he's been drinking to manage, and is able to have a beer or two on the weekends and be on. Would he prefer to be drunk all the time? Sometimes, and in some ways. But mostly, he values having a clear head and being able to be present in his own life, even when it's painful.

We had an "event" in which I told him that he was going to get sober or we were done. Also: if he continued to drink whiskey, I would leave without any further discussion. He's managed to not drink whiskey, at least when I'm around. It's helped.

He's not abusive, not to me, not to our kids. Mostly, he falls into whatever activity he is doing and doesn't surface for a day or two. The worst of it is how he shuts down when he's hung over. That's freaking annoying. I don't help with that any more.

Anyway, I'm here to chat, if you want.

STLBADGIRL

I grew up with family members that abused drugs and alcohol, I left my husband because he was an alcoholic (our car was getting impounded almost every week) - he eventually had to go to AA by court order, and my cousin died last year due to alcohol. He had pancreatitis, and during that discovery we found out that he had kidney cancer.

I'm not going to say it's not possible, but it is hard. I personally couldn't take it. Encourage him/her to seek help. Record a video of them when they are drunk and show it to them when they are sober...Do whatever you have to do (including leaving).

sarraheclark

Thanks for the feedback and support @cmriverside @Geocitiesuser @ppuente64 @Treece68 @Katiebear_81 @STLBADGIRL .

It helps to know that my frustration, anger, and sadness are normal feelings in this situation. We have been going to counseling for several months to address his depression, anxiety, and drinking. Every potential change he has agreed to, he hasn't followed through on and my optimism about this getting addressed is fading. He has recently started seeing medical issues arise (likely from his drinking); it's sad to say, but I'm hoping something will scare him enough to really see how bad things are getting.

I know his drinking is what lead to me putting on 50lbs in the 2 years we've been married (together for 9 years). In January I had a mindset shift and accepted that nothing I say or do will change his actions and I have to be good for myself in the meantime.

Geocitiesuser

I want to address two things, and I apologize if they come off as offensive, but they are my honest perspective...

> He has recently started seeing medical issues arise (likely from his drinking); it's sad to say, but I'm hoping something will scare him enough to really see how bad things are getting.

I would not count on this. My father had open heart surgery, started drinking again almost immediately, and just as quickly died.

> I know his drinking is what lead to me putting on 50lbs

Never, ever blame what you put in your own mouth on other people. Psychologically that mindset will always give you an excuse to be overweight because "outside forces made you do it". You and only you are , and have been, in full power of what you eat. Unless someone held you down and forced it in your mouth, it was through your own voluntary actions.


I say both things with a lot of love, with the understanding that I have been there before too.

mickeygirliegirl

My SO is not an alcoholic (and neither am I), but his ex-wife is - who he has two kids that he shares custody with. We have dealt with everything from calling CPS on her (because she would be obliterated and be the only "adult" with the kids), to the police, to her making suicidal threats to CPS and to her parents because she couldn't see the kids (court order after leaving the kids home alone while she went off drinking), to stints in rehab and disappearing for over a month with her SO.

It never ends. Rehab, AA, sponsors, etc. She's even been on medications to curb cravings and to make alcohol's effects disappear and it works for at most 6 months and then she's back drinking again.

Anyway, what I'm getting at is that it's a terrible addiction and terrible disease. Yes, I say disease, because it's a diseased mind to choose alcohol over everything else, especially their own family and children.

But it's THEIR disease, not YOURS. You can offer support. You can offer to go to counseling with them. You can threaten to leave. There are many things you can do, but unless they make the effort to change, unless they are ready to change, nothing will. And they have to be ready to accept the fact that it isn't just stopping drinking, but it is fighting that urge every day of the week, every minute of the day, every second.

Take care of yourself.

Rchin4thestarz

Let me share this speaking on the point of being a alcoholic in recovery..... I will strongly recommend that you look into going to a beginners AlAnon meeting.... It will help you to help yourself....I hid my drinking from my family for many many years... My friends knew all too well that I was a miserable drunk ... But it had to be me that said help.... There are meetings mornings afternoons and evenings...There are folks who attend AlAnon who may have a SO who is in recovery or who may have just used the rent money on a bender... What I'm saying is that there are folks who attend the meetings who will understand ....Hope this helps

sarraheclark

@mickeygirliegirl @Rchin4thestarz- I appreciate the support. After refocusing earlier this year, I have been able to work alot, but there are still things I am struggling with. Counseling has helped gain perspective, but AlAnon may be my next step.

amyk0202

My dh is an alcoholic. He has been clean for over 3 years now. He goes to AA meetings several times a week. I'm very proud of him--I know it's hard work. He was never physically or verbally abusive to me or our kids.

He was always a binge drinker & then it just got worse & worse, until he was drinking sooo much. Alcoholism runs in my family (and his), so I don't drink & never have. I talked to him about it & he told me he'd stop, but he just started hiding it. Then we had an incident which I won't get into, but the fact that he was drunk was a big part of it & that was it for me. We talked about it the next day & he started going to AA. He's been sober ever since. So, there is hope if he is honestly willing, but he has to do the work & only he can do it. I hope it all works out for you. I've never been to any of the AlAnon meetings.

nowine4me

OP, I understand. Besides being husband and wife, my husband and I were drinking buddies for 15 years of marriage. I'm not sure if I was an alcoholic, but I do know that I drank enough to get and stay fat and often make an *kitten* of myself. In 18 months I've lost 70#, and pretty much gave up alcohol along the way. I still have a glass of wine here and there, but that's it. My husband still drinks at the same pace or better, which can be anywhere from 6 beers to 20 on any given day. When he gets sloppy drunk it drives me nuts. Especially when he whines about being overweight. We are drifting apart and I'm not sure what the answer is. But I don't want to sacrifice my marriage.

MsMaeFlowers

My husband isn't an alcoholic yet, but he is on the road to it, and it is hard trying to help him not go that way. At least half the people in his direct family struggle with addiction issues. His mother is currently in rehab for alcohol and drug abuse.

It's hardest on me I think because he doesn't see it. He claims that nothing is wrong with his drinking because he just does it for fun, not to get drunk. IMO, the reason doesn't matter if you can't go without it.

It doesn't help when his family (mother especially) buy him booze for gifts. It boggles my mind because why would you want your son going through the same thing you're struggling with?!

You're not alone though, it appears quite a few people are going through it or have gone through it. Just remember to take care of yourself first. That's what I do. Me first, and then I help him as much as I can. Might sound cruel but in these situations that's how it has to be.

sarraheclark

@amyk0202 @nowine4me @MsMaeFlowers Thanks so much for your support. It means alot to me.