this is an anonymous forum.. want to talk about my unhealthy behaviors of the past & get advice..

Tropicoolblonde

When I was in high school I starved myself. I was barely 100 lbs at 5'9" and was smaller than a 0. Since this was almost a decade ago this was right around the time 00 was invented so at the time it wasn't a common thing yet. I went through counseling and gained back to 130's and felt much much better. I can say for the first time in my life,of a quarter century, that I feel and think healthfully about my body and food (for the most part). As of the past year I had some hard times and was on a super strong anxiety medication which made my weight go from 127lb at 5'9" (my normal healthy weight when I'm not restricting and just eating as I please) to just barely over 140lbs. I know this isn't a big difference but please hear me out.

I am currently a size 2/4.. which i know lots of people would kill to be. I am blessed with a long hourglass figure and a lot of muscle from years of athleticism. However, today I bought a pair of shorts in size 23 (about 22.5"/23" waist) which would have fit me at my previous weight of 125-127lbs. They couldn't even get over my hips (which are still only 34"... who makes these things), and it kind of broke me. I found myself thinking about my previous unhealthy behaviors in a favorable and positive light.. Like maybe I should restrict for a week and then I would be good. I chose consciously not to. Because after 25 years I am well aware of how terrible that cycle is. I want to cry. I wish I didn't have this messed up past clouding my currently clear vision of what is "normal" and ok for weight and body size.

Has anyone else on here struggled with these types of issues? (anorexia/bulimia/body dysmorphic) and never told anyone? How do you deal in situations involving weight loss and weight gain? Not being your previous weight which was the result of unhealthy or obsessive behaviors? Also, I should mention like I said the only reason I have 7-9 ish lbs i would like to lose, is because I only gained this weight from my anxiety meds. They made me crazy, and hungry and slowed my metabolism according to my dr. so i stopped taking them and have found other solutions for my anxiety.


Sorry for the long post. It wouldn't allow to attach a photo or I'd attach a picture of a potato.

Thanks .

X

Macy9336

Hi there. While I haven't had your issues to the degree of actual anorexia/bulimia/BDD, i recognise that they are very serious and hard to overcome. Do you have a close friend that you can trust to be your mirror for you? Because I understand looking in the mirror and never being happy and thinking I am ugly even when I know I'm not. It's helped me to have a friend that tells me I don't have thunder thighs or too big a booty etc.