Husband not supportive

ducky0520

So being 38 and overweight with tons of aches and pains I needed to change my lifestyle. So for 3 months I have and still am LearninG how to make better choices, cook better, workout and feel better. Down 20lbs and I notice and my clothes notice but not my husband. He offers me crap food or is not happy with what I cook. He's diabetic so the last thing he needs is carbs. I am high protein low carbs but he still eats like he's not diabetic. I could cook no carbs or very little and he will go eat carbs and junk.. I have cut down on buying the junk and still have occasional sweets for my kids lunch snack. But he eats them. I don't want to Harrass him ND I love him no matter what but how do I handle this. I get no support, I ask him to just take a 15min walk and he won't. I want him to live past 55..i feel guilty wanting to go walk or do something when he's home cause all he wants to do it watch TV... Yea I used to buy now I get bored easier. Sorry that was so long but I needed to get that out. So anyone want to motivate each other?

88olds

Well, over 11 years ago I joined Weight Watchers. I've attend hundreds of WW meetings, usually the only guy. Also participate on the WW message boards. You are not alone, I've heard or read similar posts weekly for 10 years.

You've got 2 issues running together.

Him- 1 time and really 1 time only, tell him you are worried that you will lose him if he doesn't change. Then drop it. Never another word, even when he baits you.

Do I think he will change because of anything you say? No. But this way when he has a stroke you might not feel so guilty.

You- do whatever you have to and keep going. Make sure there is plenty of readily available food that fits your plan.

Penthesilea514

88olds wrote: »

You- do whatever you have to and keep going. Make sure there is plenty of readily available food that fits your plan.

This is what I did- my husband was not very supportive, but over time and seeing my progress, he has started walking with me and cleaning up his diet. He kind of needed to come to the decision himself. It is frustrating, but stick with your plan and keep up the good work. Over time, that may be convincing enough. Good luck!

take2spicy

I'm sorry hun...I understand. Don't look to him for support right now for whatever reason he's not ready. Take care of yourself and maybe he will catch on.

trazter31

That makes it very difficult. Look to "us" for support because we are all in the same boat and trying very hard to get healthier. Nobody can lose weight or make any major changes until they "are ready". Your husband is not ready yet but you are so keep going for it!!

jgnatca

Hubby talks a good talk when it comes to fitness and thank goodness he likes my cooking (excepting the curries) but we have rarely been ambitious about fitness at the same time. It took two years for him to join me in the gym and he loves the treadmill better than the outdoors. Me, I pick sports that get me dirty.

I think your hubby is ambivalent rather than unsupportive. He's not getting in your way at least.

For sure he has not embraced the changes he needs to make for his own health. I'd hate for him to wait until he goes blind or loses a toe before he takes it seriously.

bigmuneymfp

You know what got my wife to stop resisting my sort of healthy lifestyle? Persistence... just keep doing it and forget about getting him to join you

cdahl383

If you keep it up, he'll likely come around. Most people need to come to the conclusion on their own to take action.

neilhoopy

Hey well done for changing your lifestyle, never give up you can do it yourself, your husband will come round to it in his own time

Bex953172

I've not even bothered my OH with it tbh.
But even though he's said things like "you'll lose weight but you won't be really skinny" and offers me hundreds of time for chocolate or bits of pizza, I politely decline (a few times cause he asks over and over again)
And he does take us out on long walks and buys the food I need too.

I know if I just do what I'm doing and lead by example he may or may not follow suit.
He's got to want to do it for himself, otherwise he won't do it.
Its something you've got to do on your own

But I second what a previous poster said, tell him just the once about your concerns then leave it.

distinctlybeautiful

I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty. Just as you're choosing not to stay and watch TV with him, he's choosing not to go out and walk with you. Y'all both just want to do different things, and as long as you two don't stop spending time together and are still connected, it's ok to do different things. As for the health part of it and your concern about him possibly not living as long as he could, I definitely think it's your place to voice your concerns. I don't necessarily think it will change his behavior, but you have a right to tell him how you feel, especially as you see it potentially having a huge consequence for your relationship.

Ironandwine69

take2spicy wrote: »

I'm sorry hun...I understand. Don't look to him for support right now for whatever reason he's not ready. Take care of yourself and maybe he will catch on.

This.

ducky0520

Thanks everyone. I keep telling myself just keep going, cook better and lead my teens by example.. I love the support here and motivation and so appreciate you.

arrghmatey1

I am 57 and I was your like your husband for a very long time and you will just have to wait till he makes up his mind. I agree with a previous poster you can warn him and do it in a non confrontational way but then let it go.

As far as your concerned just carry on even to the point of cooking separate food. I hope now to be around for my wife for many years.

BlondeandBlue28

I understand completely

jenstripl

I can completely relate. I have been in the same boat. DH has had no interest in a healthier lifestyle. After five months of me working my booty off and eating better I have lost 40 lbs on my own. I agree with @88olds. Mention it once, and then let it go. He has to make his own decisions in his own time. In my opinion, people have to find their own motivation within themselves and no amount of discussion, pressure, begging, or whatever will do it.

Hugs!

Moxie42

Generally speaking, I agree with what most people seem to say, about not being able to force another person to have the same goals as you, and sometimes having to just bite the bullet and tell yourself "No" when someone offers tempting things you are trying to avoid. Someone has to WANT to change.

However, if you are honestly concerned about his health, I think that's a different story because that affects BOTH of you and your family. In that case, I would try to have an honest sit-down conversation about it and tell him you're truly worried about his health. Maybe mention activities you used to do together that you no longer can because of weight and health issues (hiking is a big motivator for my husband and I). Depeding on the severity of the situation, maybe even say you're worried that you're going to end up a young widow and that your kids will lose their father. It sounds harsh but if nothing else works and his life is truly in danger, it could be worth it. This worked for my best friend- her mom was severely obese for decades until my friend broke down in tears and said, "I want my children to grow up with grandparents." THAT hit home, and her mom ended up losing, and keeping off (for over 10 years now), over 150 lbs.

Also, maybe ask WHY he doesn't want to try- maybe that's what really needs to be addressed. Is he worried he'll fail? Emotionally eating, and feeling like he "needs" that comfort? Etc.

starfruit132

I would not keep asking him to eat better or go for walks. My dh was and is still much a healthier eater that me, but I always resented it when he would try to preach about what food I should eat. I already know what is healthy, and so does your dh most likely - it's hard to not hear it on TV or the internet. When I was on ww, he would always ask how many points something was when I was eating it. It got very intrusive and it made me want to hide my eating. Your dh will do it when he is ready - just let him know you support him when he is ready.

SCoil123

I can relate. My husbands diet is horrible and I'm concerned. He has a lot of belly fat and his snoring and wheezing at night keeps getting worse. He enjoys working out but it isn't enough to undo everything he is taking in.

I just encourage the work outs because I see it as a step towards being healthier and lead by example with my food choices.

He keeps putting my food scale up and I just keep bringing it back out lol

Ann262

You have gotten alot of really good advice here. All I will say is that there have been times in my life where I was engaged in some very unhealthy habits. The WORST thing anyone could do..especially my other half... was to bug me to change those habits. That decision HAS to come from within. I do think 88olds advice to say something once and only once because he is your husband, you love him and don't want to lose him, is a good idea if you haven't done so already. Cooking healthy meals is the right thing to do. Keep doing what you are doing to take care of YOU.

Lounmoun

You decided to change your lifestyle a couple of months ago. You made a choice for you and you are happy about it. And that is fine. But then you want your dh to adopt your new lifestyle without him really having had a part in deciding what that should be like. It isn't something you sat down and planned out together on what you both wanted and needed. You are telling him.

You are concerned he is not managing his health appropriately. That is valid. Go to him with your concern. Discuss all the options for managing diabetes. Listen to his concerns. Ask what he wants to do and support him. Maybe he needs smaller changes over time instead of a total lifestyle makeover. Maybe he needs to do some research before making some choices. Maybe he doesn't see the problem you see.

You are both adults and different people. You don't have to approach weight loss or health management the same way. If he doesn't want to change anything back off and do your own thing.

Heather4448

Do what you do for yourself.
That being said... your Husband is risking blindness, amputations, and *gasp* impotence by not properly managing his diabetes. Maybe visiting or volunteering at a medical facility would be the thing that gets him to change. Some people need to SEE the possible outcomes. If that doesn't work, I'd reiterate -impotence!! That tends to get a man's attention.

Bluebell2325

No excuse, but is he scared to face up to things? It's hard being a grown up at times, you're supposed to know what to do, more often then not we're all just winging it. He may have developed a security blanket (made of all the wrong things). Apart from the diabetes we could be married to the same man, I can often see mine crumbling towards crisps, lager, biscuits, etc. And if I don't buy them he stops on his way home for them (not milk, or veg, or anything useful for the rest of the family!?), ignoring the behaviour doesn't help, raising the issue sends him further into it / defensive / argumentative. So I'm following this thread to see if there's a magic solution!!!! Sending well wishes. xx

melodydee66

I think you have tried all you can by talking to him. I think you need to show and hopefully inspire him at this point. My husband wasn't at all interested in getting on board with me when I started this journey a year and a half ago. He flat out told me that he would not eat healthy or do the things I was doing. Once I started to really make a difference in myself, my health, my weight, my energy and my motivation increased, he started to become a little interested. He was impressed that what I was doing was actually working. What I was doing was making me happier, healthy, energetic and excited. He started to ask to come on walks. He started to offer to grill the chicken on the BBQ. He started to ask about changes that he could make. I let him see for himself the benefits and let him ask to come along for the ride. Now we go for walks together in the evenings, we go for weekend hikes, we plan on taking up biking, we eat healthy meals, we only have whole wheat bread in the house. He no longer buys brownies, chocolate bars and other things he did before. He is not losing at the rate I am yet, but he wants to now. I think you just work on yourself and feel great about what are doing and hope he catches the energy bug from you! Good luck and stay strong!

Locolady98

This may not be helpful, but here goes. Years back, I was in a bad marriage. He was not at all supportive of my health goals. In retrospect, he was actually jealous of my improvements, and felt competitive with me, and it actually depressed him to see me becoming vibrant and healthy. The healthier I got, the more depressed and downright mean he would get. It ended in divorce.

But, what I did throughout was what was best for me. He wanted us to be Mr. and Mrs. Couch Potato Head. I did that for a time, but it didn't work for me. I packed on massive amounts of weight. So, when I started getting healthy, he felt abandoned, and seemed to resent what I was doing. He absolutely sabotaged me to the extent that he could. He was extremely insecure. It was very sad.

And a very sad epilogue to the story... 11 years after the divorce, I received word that he died from one of his addictions. I went through a very strange set of emotions in the months after learning this. I had chosen the path of health and life. He chose the opposite path.

Looking back, there really is nothing I could have done. He was tied to a few different addictions, including food, gambling, and I won't list others, but he had others. I don't think I could have inspired him to change. He saw me getting healthy, eliminating bad habits, and he flat-out told me that if I really loved him, I wouldn't be selfish by doing things without him (like going to the grocery store, going out for a run, mowing the lawn, basically anything active). So, he felt left behind and abandoned by my healthy choices. And now one of us is alive, and the other is not.

So, as it turns out, this was very literally a life-and-death decision. And I'm happy to be alive and healthy.