Hello... again. :)

lavachickie

I've been 160 lbs thinner. I've been 40 lbs heavier. But a few weeks ago, I realized I had never, even been sadder, more depressed, or less motivated for life than I was. After my Mother's death in December, I've really struggled. I've experienced, for the first time in my life, days where I really did not want to get out of bed. Days upon days where I went through the routine, yet wondered why, and was it really all worth it? Work is also taken a turn, with my role being reduced and disregarded in many ways.

As an active, outgoing extrovert, it was hard to ask for help. But I did. And frankly, the response I received most was, "I don't know how to help you." Makes me wonder what good THAT was...

My next call was to a professional, but then I said, "Wait. Are you truly doing EVERYTHING you can to help yourself?"
So I did a simple Google for natural mood boosters and depression fighters. And, of course, right there at the top of the list was better diet and more exercise.

The past few months my weight had maintained or dropped, without any effort -- I attributed it to the grief. Or some cancer growing in me that I was yet to discover. (Sarcasm. Sorta.) A time or two I felt a lifting hand and thought maybe it was define intervention trying to shepherd me along.

But overall, I was pretty bad at self care. Desk job. Little movement. Went home after a long stressful day of work and vegged on the couch and ate whatever struck my fancy. And it was never vegetables, let me tell you. I watched friends and colleagues take morning and afternoon walks, go to the gym, count calories and do a myriad of other healthy habits. But I always declined. Some close friends even departed our usual habits of heavy lunches at our favorite Mexican place for quick lunchtime workouts, followed by a light healthy lunch at their desk.

So when faced with either calling a pro or pulling up my bootstraps, a bit over a week ago I committed to my two work besties that I would go to the gym with them over lunch.

I was scared. Like omg-no-i-hate-this-i-don't-wanna scared. To make it worse, some coworkers go and lift, and my friends described the gym as "full of muscle heads." But they were going, and dammit I was going to go to. My colleague has been lifting for two years, and has been teaching them basics. I said I'd start going to the gym for simple cardio, but not lifting.

After making the verbal commitment, I went out and bought a "gym kit" of toiletries I'd need, so they'd stay in my bag. Never an excuse of, "Oh, I don't have my X, I can't go." Deoderant. Baby wipes as the girls said a shower took too long. Extra clips to hold up my long hair.

So I went. Everyone was really nice. I signed up for a year. I did the InBody assessment. And all last week I did simple treadmill walking. First 20 minutes. Next day 25. Next day 30. Next day 45. It's a slow pace, 3mph, but it hits my target heart rate, and... with something to watch all in all pretty damn easy.

And... even though I was sweaty and felt gross and looked like *kitten*, all I got in return was smiles and, "So proud of you!"

So this week I said, "Ok, show me this lifting stuff." A simple program. I can tell you I hate hate hate standing in front of that mirror looking at my fat *kitten*... but that's part of it. I was hiding. Hiding and ignoring. That fat *kitten* is there. Everyone sees it, even if I have my head in the sand. And if I want it to be different, well, then, I need to face facts and do what I need to do to enact that change. Period. Simple as that.

Most importantly... I didn't tell anyone I was doing this, or talk about it, to anyone. I just did it. And the past week... small changes make big results. I take a 20 minute stroll morning and afternoons with coworkers. Over lunch, I sweat on the treadmill for 40 minutes. At home, if I'm bored I try to do something more active, even if it's just gardening.

I feel amazing.

Loose, strong, capable of all daily things. More flexible. Bouncier.

The scale dropped 9 lbs in the last week. Yes, it's mostly water weight, it's not like I had a 30k deficeit in calories this week. I often felt bloated and heavy. But it's less I'm carrying around. I've kept to the number in MFP, but taken the "if it fits it ships" approach. Yeah, I had a Sonic Orange Slush for dinner one night. But having that and that alone was better than having that AND a double cheeseburger AND an order of onion rings.

So... I feel that I've got a certain momentum around. Happy to be here. Looking for some people to join in with online, too!