Tenacity? Do I have it?

HereAmyGoesAgain

I have always thought of myself as fat and invisible. Looking back at childhood photos I've realized I wasn't. In high school I was a size 16, not thin, but not fat either. However, all I saw was fat and ugly. I became what I felt back then. Eating became my comfort. Sad, happy, bored, lonely, partying, you name it, food was my answer. The weight quickly piled on. By 20 I weighed close to 300 lbs. Then I lost about 80 pounds. I was going to college, working full time, and working out. I felt pretty good. Soon tragedy struck, as I'm sure we all have faced at some point in our lives, and I turned to food. I put the weight back on. Over the next 12 years I tried diet after diet to lose the weight. Nothing stuck. I was still active, playing basketball, tennis, and my job, but I continued to eat my emotions. This turned into a binge eating disorder. I am a binge eater. I'll go all day eating 200-300 calories, stop at the store on my way home from work and buy easily 3,000-5,000 calories of food. My go to's were; peanut butter, ice cream, Mac n Cheese, pizza, gushers, and chips. All processed food. Eventually all my binge eating caught up to me and the activities I loved became harder and harder. At 32 I weighed 351lbs. The list of things you are embarrassed to do or just can't do at 351 lbs is very long. You've heard a lot of them before, restaurant booths, airplanes, seat belts, tying your shoes, going on amusement park rides, being invisible, going to a movie, a play, football game, concert, sitting anywhere that wasn't familiar. All these things caused stress and anxiety. Everyone has their own secret struggle that they battle on a daily basis. My emotional binge eating was on display for all to see. You can't hide that you are fat, so instead I began to hide from the world. It was easier and far less stressful. Plus, I had my food to comfort me. Then at 33 something clicked and I began a diet that was successful. After 6 months I had lost 120lbs, I didn't recognize my self. I felt great physically. However, emotionally I was having a hard time. Once in my life prior to this weight loss I was told that I was beautiful. That man was killed by a drunk driver when I was 20. Now, that was all people were saying. I felt like a ghost that suddenly everyone was able to see. Didn't they see me before? Yes, I looked different, but I was still me. It was very unsettling. Is that really all people care about? Was it all I cared about? I craved the compliments, and feared them at the same time. I wanted to think I was more than that, but I put a lot of power in those people's words of confirmation.
Then it happened again. There was a death in my family, and my hair literally started to fall out. Big clumps every day in the shower. I was horrified. What did I do? Yes, sadly I turned back to food. Binge eating is an eating disorder. I was "sober", but not cured. With the loss of my aunt a deep depression set in. I felt like such a failure, when all I had done was gain 5 pounds. Instead of seeing that it was a small set back, I declared my self a failure, turned to my trusty companion, food, and wallowed. In a year and a half I put on 153lbs. Now at my heaviest I am again making a daily, life changing decision, to eat healthy and exercise. Most things in my life have me falling a few times prior to succeeding. My prayer is that this 47th(possible exaggeration) attempt will be the one that sticks. I've learned a lot of things through the 47 failures, maybe they were preparing me for what truly is the battle for my life.

TrulyJulie0022

Life in itself is a journey and getting on the right path and sticking with it is never easy for anyone. You seem to understand very well what you are feeling in regards to this process. Addressing the binge eating I think is of utmost importance to begin with. Have you sought counseling or therapy for this as if yet?? Either way we are here to support your journey. I appreciate your candidness and transparency. You can do this!!! Your tenacity is amazing despite not being where you want to be yet. Well just know I'm here for support! I will send you a friend request!

Titoki1

I wish you all the best

Dootzy1

Sorry for your losses and I wish peace to you! Though I don't have binge disorder, I certainly know what comfort feeding is! Don't look back, forgive yourself for the lapses, and remember that small successes add up!!

themedalist

@HereAmyGoesAgain, I wish you the very best. I think your careful examination of your past eating struggles bodes well for your success. As someone who's been on MFP daily since 2011 and has seen a lot of folks succeed as well as those who give up trying to lose weight, I would strongly encourage you to couple your use of MFP with something else. Binge eating and other eating disorders are complex and deeply rooted. It's not something an online tool (even a great one like MFP!) is well suited to handle. I think professional guidance along with MFP is a great combination. If that's not possble, I've heard great things about Geneen Roth's books.

HereAmyGoesAgain

@themedalist Thank you for your concern. I have sought and received outside help. I didn't want to go into all my medical stuff on such a public forum. Thanks of for the kind words and encouragement.