Friend isn't in it to win it

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aettinger448
aettinger448 Posts: 44 Member
in Chit-Chat
I've dropped 36 pounds in about 7 months. I'm strength training too, so the results are noticeable. We have a family friend who is 250+ pounds overweight. He says he is wanting to learn from me. That would be great...except, I don't think he really does. This is a very lonely guy. He is in his 40's, lives with parents, never had a relationship. I think he's just wanting to hang out. Plus I'm not qualified to know what exercise routines are ok for him at 400+ pounds. It's making me feel very awkward. Obviously he can not do what I can do in our home gym. And so I end up with a less than optimal workout. Then he goes on Facebook complaining how hard this is and how he isn't making progress when I know he isn't consistently making an effort to be active or tracking his calories. I honestly feel like he's doing it just for attention. It feels like it diminishes those of us who are actually putting in the work.

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  • MrStabbems
    MrStabbems Posts: 3,110 Member
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    aettinger448 wrote: »
    I've dropped 36 pounds in about 7 months. I'm strength training too, so the results are noticeable. We have a family friend who is 250+ pounds overweight. He says he is wanting to learn from me. That would be great...except, I don't think he really does. This is a very lonely guy. He is in his 40's, lives with parents, never had a relationship. I think he's just wanting to hang out. Plus I'm not qualified to know what exercise routines are ok for him at 400+ pounds. It's making me feel very awkward. Obviously he can not do what I can do in our home gym. And so I end up with a less than optimal workout. Then he goes on Facebook complaining how hard this is and how he isn't making progress when I know he isn't consistently making an effort to be active or tracking his calories. I honestly feel like he's doing it just for attention. It feels like it diminishes those of us who are actually putting in the work.

    his attitude isn't a reflection on you. I wouldn't worry about it diminishing anything. At that weight his main issue will undoubtedly be diet, he will be able to do normal/light weights depending on his strength, presumably nothing that involves too much flexibility or stress on joints until he's at a lower weight.

    in terms of cardio light work on the treadmill, walking in general, I know some 400lb folks that cycle too
  • livingleanlivingclean
    livingleanlivingclean Posts: 11,751 Member
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    He likes the idea of losing weight, and probably knows he needs to for his health. He's seen your success...

    Sadly, having the information doesn't always make it easy, or mean he's going to follow it. I find there are people you can have the exact same conversation with in regards to health or fitness, but until they're really ready to do something about it and put knowledge in to action, they won't get results.

    Keep being his friend. Give information when it's asked for. One day he'll find the motivation and his "why" to make sustainable changes.
  • aettinger448
    aettinger448 Posts: 44 Member
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    Our home gym equipment has weight limits. So when he wanted to try the treadmill I used the excuse that it doesn't have a low enough setting. (That's true, btw. I bought it used.) But he has the finances to afford a personal trainer. I'm trying to encourage that aspect. I feel like he needs modified exercises, and I'm so worried that he will injure himself. The other day I tried getting him off the floor and could not do it.
  • livingleanlivingclean
    livingleanlivingclean Posts: 11,751 Member
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    aettinger448 wrote: »
    Our home gym equipment has weight limits. So when he wanted to try the treadmill I used the excuse that it doesn't have a low enough setting. (That's true, btw. I bought it used.) But he has the finances to afford a personal trainer. I'm trying to encourage that aspect. I feel like he needs modified exercises, and I'm so worried that he will injure himself. The other day I tried getting him off the floor and could not do it.

    I'd keep suggesting getting help from professionals - for training and diet. Having to pay for services may make him take things seriously as there is a $ value on his efforts. He may be more likely to make a consistent effort so he's not "wasting" his money.
  • usmcmp
    usmcmp Posts: 21,220 Member
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    Tell him that you would love to help him, but you feel like he should start out with some professional help to ensure he doesn't further risk his health. At the very least you can encourage him to start reducing portion sizes and let him know that's where weight loss comes from, not from exercise.
  • MrStabbems
    MrStabbems Posts: 3,110 Member
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    aettinger448 wrote: »
    Our home gym equipment has weight limits. So when he wanted to try the treadmill I used the excuse that it doesn't have a low enough setting. (That's true, btw. I bought it used.) But he has the finances to afford a personal trainer. I'm trying to encourage that aspect. I feel like he needs modified exercises, and I'm so worried that he will injure himself. The other day I tried getting him off the floor and could not do it.

    It's not a need he doesn't need to get pro help he just needs desire and to get off his *kitten*. That has to come from him.

    as others have said the money thing might make him do more but meh, only so much you can do!

    also might be worth mentioned that there is an entire world out there to walk, that will have a low enough setting...
  • RunHardBeStrong
    RunHardBeStrong Posts: 33,069 Member
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    MrStabbems wrote: »
    aettinger448 wrote: »
    Our home gym equipment has weight limits. So when he wanted to try the treadmill I used the excuse that it doesn't have a low enough setting. (That's true, btw. I bought it used.) But he has the finances to afford a personal trainer. I'm trying to encourage that aspect. I feel like he needs modified exercises, and I'm so worried that he will injure himself. The other day I tried getting him off the floor and could not do it.

    It's not a need he doesn't need to get pro help he just needs desire and to get off his *kitten*. That has to come from him.

    as others have said the money thing might make him do more but meh, only so much you can do!

    also might be worth mentioned that there is an entire world out there to walk, that will have a low enough setting...

    This. Go for walks with him at his pace. Encourage him to use hand weights or body weight exercises for now. Talk about portion control when appropriate. Don't give unsolicited advice.

    Do your harder workouts without him so you don't feel like he is holding you back. Ignore his FB posts. They aren't a reflection of you.

    It's always good to remind yourself that everyone has to start somewhere. For most, it takes several starts to click. And their hard could be very different from your hard.
  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,503 Member
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    He might not be ready to be healthy. If he drops the weight and gets into shape, he has lifted an excuse for maybe facing other challenges or shortcomings in his life. He's living at home and isn't in a relationship. He might very well be in his comfort zone.

    .... just a thought
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,426 Member
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    Well, maybe he isn't ready to change and it probably is hard to do things at that size. It isn't your responsibility to get him in shape though.
    I would help him set up a MFP account and point out resources like used equipment for sale, nearby gyms, walking trails. He should start with his diet and just walking 10-30 minutes a day (no treadmill needed) or beginner you tube videos for obese individuals. I would not design his exercise or diet plan. He should see a dietician and personal trainer for that kind of help.



  • aettinger448
    aettinger448 Posts: 44 Member
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    He says he's not comfortable doing exercise by himself or with others except me and my husband. And he won't set up an account. He says he's too self conscious. I want to help, but I honestly just think he's doing this to be part of something. He says the only vegetables he will eat are the ones I cook, etc.
  • Poisonedpawn78
    Poisonedpawn78 Posts: 1,145 Member
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    aettinger448 wrote: »
    He says he's not comfortable doing exercise by himself or with others except me and my husband. And he won't set up an account. He says he's too self conscious. I want to help, but I honestly just think he's doing this to be part of something. He says the only vegetables he will eat are the ones I cook, etc.

    it sounds like hes trying to hinge his success on your desire to carry him through. That way when you fail, he can blame you.

    You need to be firmer with him about boundaries and his role in his weightloss. Especially if he is unwilling to solve his biggest problem. Eating too many calories.
  • usmcmp
    usmcmp Posts: 21,220 Member
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    Poisonedpawn78 wrote: »
    aettinger448 wrote: »
    He says he's not comfortable doing exercise by himself or with others except me and my husband. And he won't set up an account. He says he's too self conscious. I want to help, but I honestly just think he's doing this to be part of something. He says the only vegetables he will eat are the ones I cook, etc.

    it sounds like hes trying to hinge his success on your desire to carry him through. That way when you fail, he can blame you.

    You need to be firmer with him about boundaries and his role in his weightloss. Especially if he is unwilling to solve his biggest problem. Eating too many calories.

    This is probably accurate. I would tell him that you've given him the information and resources to start, but now he's going to have to actually put in the work.
  • mcafton
    mcafton Posts: 190 Member
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    Stick with it. I used to get discouraged too easily with not seeing results fast enough, but they do come with time.

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