What do I do? I want to cry!

slaite1

Makoce wrote: »

Back a couple years ago I started MFP. It was so easy in the beginning I wondered why everyone couldn't lose weight and why I hadn't done it sooner. I started at 200lbs and it just fell off.
I soon developed an obsession with the scale going down and in the end was left with anorexia at 97lbs.
After a year I began binging. It was horrible for the first 6 months. I was packing away days worth of calories in one day.

Fast forward to where I am now. The blind binging has subsided for the most part. But I am always hungry. Always. I've had blood tests. Been on medications for BED from Psychatrist's and doctors. Nothing warrants any help.
I try to track my calories but even at 1600 I find it hard to not go way over goal while still listening to my hunger cues. Yet years ago 1200 was easy as hell. I get really angry and shakey if I don't eat often. Normally not so great food for you is the only thing that keeps me satisfied for more than a couple hours. I thought maybe low blood sugar.
All I know is I'm up 60lbs this year.

I just need some advice or help or some experience from someone. Thanks for listening to me rant.

You're getting some solid advice

I just want to say that 1200 calories was easy for you because you had an eating disorder. So don't beat yourself up that 1600 is challenging now. I agree with the suggestion to go to maintenance and slowly reduce from there. Binge eating is often a mind game. For some, it's caused by the past history of restriction and then bingeing. For others it's like an outlet for stress, a habit to fall back on. From what I understand it's a common issue for those recovering from anorexia.

Cut yourself a break here. You are re-learning how to eat normally and what hunger is and what a "normal" relationship is with food. Awesome job keeping up with the therapy as well.

Take a step back and recognize that you're struggling and that continuing to try to force this deficit is going to cause you to stay in the binge/restrict cycle. (It took me a long time to recognize that I was trying the same thing over and over before giving up a deficit temporarily). Easing up the restrictions and allowing yourself to eat to satisfaction and beginning to understand what/how much/when you need to eat will hopefully be a big step towards stopping the bingeing. As you feel more comfortable (and find maintenance) you can slowly start creating a deficit (maybe start with 1/2 pound a week loss). It WILL be easier if you give yourself time to adjust to it.

AliceDark

If it were me, my main concern at this point would be getting my intake to a place where it didn't feel out of control. I personally wouldn't worry about putting myself in a deficit right now, because I would be concerned about triggering the ED, and that's the last thing I'd want. I'd personally rather be mentally calm and over my target weight instead of thinner but in a bad place mentally.

I find there's a huge mental difference between "I'm aiming for maintenance and I hit maintenance" and "I'm aiming for a deficit but I over-ate and hit maintenance." The first one makes me feel good about my performance, whereas the second makes me feel like a failure (whether that's right or wrong is a different question).

I'd encourage you to find your maintenance, and stay there until you can feel calm and at peace with that intake level. Then, I would SLOWLY start to eat at a small deficit. At the first sign of anxiety, I'd put myself back at maintenance. It might take longer to lose, but it would be worth it to me.