Low confidence
Jdkbs
Posts: 98 Member
I am 215lb, 5ft 4, 41 year old female who has struggled with weight all my life. This is my struggle.
I do well for a few days, go off track...perhaps binge. My thought is then...I will never suceed with this, I only end up gaining more weight. Why should I even try?
A few days of depression and bingeing, I try to pull my socks up and eat less and perhaps exercise again.
I have problems sticking to a diet/lifestyle. I have problems retaining my motivation and trust that this will work. Just keep going.
I do well for a few days, go off track...perhaps binge. My thought is then...I will never suceed with this, I only end up gaining more weight. Why should I even try?
A few days of depression and bingeing, I try to pull my socks up and eat less and perhaps exercise again.
I have problems sticking to a diet/lifestyle. I have problems retaining my motivation and trust that this will work. Just keep going.
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Replies
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It is all about lifestyle changes and not just "diets". Take it slow. Take one thing out per month such as soda, bread and etc. Change will happen but you got to get use to it first and not go full blown cold turkey on many things at once.6
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Ultimately you have to make the decision to change. It has to come from you. No amount of support or motivation you get from the outside will change that. Once you figure out WHY you want to lose weight, let that drive you. Find something you can stick with and enjoy, make it a habit. Allow room in your calories to treat yourself, don't cut out anything you like eating. All the best!7
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Thank you @notreallychris and @sccamero.
Your feedback is much appreciated. I am attempting to journal/post my emotions as well as refocusing on food to make progress with my weight.
I will definately journal on my WHY.
Cheers0 -
I got this from a book called something like The Art and Science of Rational Eating: failing at weight loss before has nothing to do with this time because the past doesn't control the future.
I found confidence in myself when I found confidence in the program I was following. I look at a lot of weight loss boards. For reasons I don't understand and don't really matter, everyone's brain wants to record every little misstep as total disaster. Even say a .4 lb loss, which is in fact a hard evidence of success, will get twisted into a "not good enough" catastrophe in our heads. Trust the process.4 -
I'd recommend you don't try to lose weight just yet.
Just log ... meticulously log ... weigh on a food scale EVERY single thing that goes in your mouth.
Do that for two weeks ... then assess (I can help) your caloric intake . ... and we can discuss what foods you are willing to cut out.
Small changes... baby steps.8 -
Develop the Discipline to stick with whatever changes you need to make.
Accept it will be hard work; work hard and move on.
Don't fall into the trap of needing "motivation."
You must do the work no matter how "motivated" you feel.
Logging, diet, exercise... just do it and don't make excuses.
Suck it up and keep going, one day at a time.
If you have a bad day or two, own up to it and get back on track.
A 250 calorie surplus every day is a much bigger problem than a day or two of binge eating.
Don't feel sorry for yourself and avoid falling for the trap of other "sympathetic" people feeling sorry for you.
They aren't helping you and some of them secretly want you to fail as a justification for their own lack of discipline.
If they really want to help you, ask them to point out when you are (perhaps subconsciously) making bad choices.
If you want the results bad enough then you will do the work, whatever it takes.
If you don't want it bad enough to work hard enough then admit it to yourself and don't try to blame your "genetics" or "thyroid" or anything else.
It is much easier for ANYONE to make excuses than it is to develop the necessary discipline and do the work.
That is all there is to it.
Mostly listen to advice from people who do the work every day.
Mainly ignore "encouragement" from people who are only in slightly better shape than you -if at all- and don't put in enough work themselves.
Your Confidence will grow once you become dedicated enough and see gradual improvement and success over time.
As for a program to follow, we recommend this one to most of our women clients because it also includes a lot of information on proper diet and nutrition:
https://www.amazon.com/Thinner-Leaner-Stronger-Building-Ultimate/dp/19388953123 -
You'll get there! What seems to be your triggers? In addition to logging / weighing your food do you also journal? Sometimes it takes a while to get a bead on how things are currently "working" for you (as Dr. Phil says). If you don't know why things are happening, you can't make conscious decisions to change.1
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Start out small, and make each step/change sustainable. Start by logging you food for a week, don't change anything yet. Use it to learn about the food you are eating and where you could make better choices in the future. You didn't put all your weight on in a week, it's not reasonable to expected it to leave in a week, be patient with with your body.3
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These are all great ideas. Set a realistic goal something small at first then gradually move up in setting another goal.
Training your brain is very important like meditation. You can train your brain to do whatever you want to do you just have to learn how. Look into it see what your thoughts are. It's worked for me and a lot of professional athletes and just regular Joe's.
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All great ideas. Strength train and pick an activity you enjoy: jogging, cycling, tennis, etc. And have fun.2
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I can fully sympathize. It's a war inside, a war between the part of me that is so tired of the stigma, the shame, and the part of me that doesn't want to change. Change is so very, very hard, especially when we're talking a lifestyle change! People say "you just need to develop discipline or motivation"; the problem is, I know where I need to be, in some cases I even know the path to get there, but my feet seem frozen in a quagmire and the will to actually start and keep with it I can't seem to find. How do you change your soul? Your will? Your inner desires?
I've tried losing weight off and on for years, and most of the time its been completely failure from the get-go; I can't even keep up a week before I'm sliding back into my old habits. I've tried various diets and exercise programs, tried to force myself to do them even when everything within me was fighting back and just did not want to do it; that worked for a little while, but in the end, the part of me that hated it won. I've learned that I can't force myself to do something I hate for long - the constant battle with myself wears me down, and eventually my willpower becomes exhausted and I can't fight any longer.
Other times, rarely, something seems to click and I start to have success. I'm in one of those "click" periods now. I've been logging since January and have had a good deal of success. But I'm very much afraid it won't last and I'll find myself sliding back into old habits, especially if I plateau - cause it has happened before. You get some folks who are fit or who have never struggled and they sit on their high horses and look down their noses and claim "it's easy; simply eat less and exercise more" or they say "if you'd just be more disciplined and stern with yourself, you'd lose the weight; you're just being lazy". And a part of me listens to these people and so I end up depressed and wondering what is wrong with me - I must be lazy. But in reality, these people have no idea what kind of war it is inside - it's not just being lazy; your whole body, heart, mind, and soul is fighting against you, because it's not just getting more active or eating less - weight loss, especially significant weight loss that is sustained, requires an entire change in worldview and in lifestyle, which means it requires a shift in thinking, in our emotions, and in our desires, and all of those things are incredibly, terribly difficult to change because you have spent a lifetime solidifying them into the person you are; it requires a change in our entire being. Just ask the drug addict or the alcoholic! Look how many of them fight their entire lives, taking 2 steps forward, falling back, and struggling to gain control over the desire and craving. Truthfully, obesity is the exact same way - its a fight that we have to fight our entire lives, and there's going to be victories and failures.
But you're on the right track! Like others said; you don't have to fight the entire war at once. I know that when you look at how far you have to go, it seems exhausting and like you'll never get there, and that little voice inside says "there's no point in trying; you'll never make; you might as well give up now". But a first step to success is to get to know yourself well, your thoughts your motivations, what works for you and what you think you can willingly maintain and the things that you know that you just can't. Be honest with yourself and be willing to compromise with yourself; then you can begin to tailor a method that will work for you. And that's what it comes down to - you've got to find a method that works for you, and that's truly individual to each and every one of us. I get tired of folks who find a method that works for them, and then they trumpet it across the internet as being the only thing that will work, and they insist that their way is the only way to be healthy, and if you'd just try it, you'll succeed. My brother was bad for doing that. Truth is, there are many different ways that will work - in the end, it really is less calories in than calories burned, but where that magic spot is is very unique to each of us, and there are many, many ways to get there.
So keep fighting, keep trying, but as others said, take it one step at a time (though I know that advice often chafes and seems to be patronizing lol) I know it's hard - there is tons of advice online, and I know I struggle with perception a lot; "I'm not doing this", or "I'm not watching that"; "I'm not doing a daily exercise routine like that", or "I'm not watching my macros" or "I'm eating too many carbs". In the end, though, those things just don't work for me because my heart and soul won't get on board with doing them. So I have to find something that my inner being will compromise with - I have to bring my heart and soul and mind to the negotiation table and find a way to declare a truce in that war, and just like in real life, those negotiations can be grueling. And then I just have to keep going, and not let myself be the stumbling block that causes me to slide back to the beginning. But that is the most difficult part of it all!3 -
I agree with so much that has been said here. Especially figuring out the WHY. You wouldn't believe how important that is (and being truly honest to yourself about that "why", even if it's not so glamorous). That "why" may even help you figure out why the binge episodes happen, why you always feel like you're starting over.
Indulge me for a minute (or 7) while I get super (uncomfortably) honest about my "why". I'm posting this because I, too, need to be honest with myself even if it's hard to admit. Okay, I was in a relationship for 10+ years with a man in PEAK physical form. He worked hard at it (it was sort of his job) but he also had genetics that made it a tad easier for him than for me. He expected me to be slim and perfect forever, and when he saw me becoming less than that he let me know. There was a lot of control and scrutiny and unhappiness, but, DAMN, I was in great shape! I finally left him and almost immediately gained a ton of weight. I started to think "I just need the motivation and self control to lose weight and look and feel good". I'd stick to a diet or exercise regime for a bit, and then I'd lose it and think "screw it, I'll never be thin again".
This time around I'm being super honest with myself. I'm realizing, slowly, that BEFORE I was trying to lose weight to feel "desireable" again. I was lying to myself when I said it was for me. I've never watched my weight "for me" in my life! This time I'm genuinely happy with me, and my life, and where I am in all aspects. I know that this time my weight loss journey is actually for ME, first time in my life I can honestly say that. Before the fear of messing up, never being good enough again, not measuring up, would make me self sabotage. Binge and say screw it.
I'm hoping that identifying that fear, acknowledging that it doesn't control anything anymore, will help me be successful this time around.
That was my super long winded way of saying "find your TRUE why". It may be a struggle but you won't be disappointed! And then follow all the amazing advice of tracking, take it day by day, etc.3 -
I am 5'1'' and reached 215 lbs at my heaviest. (Currently down to 176)
One thing that really helped me was to find an activity that I enjoy and can look forward to. For me that was lifting weights. It doesn't feel like a "chore", I'm not exercising to burn calories or lose weight. I'm doing it because I enjoy it. It has taken me a long time to get to this point, but I'm even more encouraged to continue to progress now.
Setting fitness/performance goals can give you something to look forward to that isn't related to the scale, and I feel it helps me stay on track. I went to the gym, it encourages me to eat better, etc.
I also struggled with low confidence when I started, but through making small improvements and striving to improve my lifting and myself (even if just one minute, one rep, one day at a time), I feel much more confident in myself. I reached my "goal weight" once before, and honestly I'm more confident in myself now even though I still have a lot of weight left to lose.
I've also met some great people during my time at the gym. It's really encouraging to me when someone waves or says hi. We have a common interest we can discuss, even if they're leaps and bounds ahead of me. And they notice when you make positive changes. Just yesterday someone I have never spoken to said "hey, you're here every day!" That made me feel pretty good.
Find something that keeps your interest. Maybe running - start out slow with walking, when that gets easy do run/walk intervals, etc. Hiking, golfing, swimming, push ups and sit ups at your house -anything to get you moving and focused on something positive.1 -
@TresaAswegan is one of the people who puts in the work and is worth listening to.
If it was easy then about 1/3 of the population would not be fat.0 -
@TresaAswegan is one of the people who puts in the work and is worth listening to.
If it was easy then about 1/3 of the population would not be fat.
Aw shucks
So true though, it's not easy. Doing the fitness thing really helps!0 -
I am 215lb, 5ft 4, 41 year old female who has struggled with weight all my life. This is my struggle.
I do well for a few days, go off track...perhaps binge. My thought is then...I will never suceed with this, I only end up gaining more weight. Why should I even try?
A few days of depression and bingeing, I try to pull my socks up and eat less and perhaps exercise again.
I have problems sticking to a diet/lifestyle. I have problems retaining my motivation and trust that this will work. Just keep going.
I've been where you are. Sadly, I got my motivation when I lost the roulette spin and developed a medical condition exacerbated by obesity. I'm 5'3 and eight months ago, I weighed 254 lbs. Forcing my legs to carry extra pounds of... well, me... caused the veins in my lower legs to reflux and squeezed my lymphatic system. Which led to cellulitus, lymphedema, a weeping wound on my leg that required multiple courses of antibiotics and daily visits from home-care nurses to change the dressing, and has left me with a leg that is very prone to infection, slow to heal, and a worry that I might end up developing a resistance to oral antibiotics due to (necessary but excessive) prescription. (The infection in that wound turned out to be resistant to all but one of the commonly-prescribed oral antibiotics. I build up a tolerance to Cipro and I'm looking at IV.)
Then the vascular surgeon I was referred to gave me the news: this condition can be managed. It can be controlled. It can't be cured. Best way to avoid flare-ups? Compression stockings (which can't be worn during a flare-up) and weight-loss.
Let's just say I'm pretty danged motivated right now... And 62.4 lbs lighter.
But... as far as tips, this is what I've kept in mind and what has worked for me. Everybody is different. Sauce for the goose isn't necessarily sauce for the gander, but if any of this helps, go ahead and use:- I am an emotional eater and given to mindless nibbling. I'm chatty online, but in person? I'm an introvert missing the small-talk gene. At parties, I gravitate to the food. This time out, I recognized that I would never last if I 'virtuously' ate the carrot sticks while eyeing the cake. What would happen would typically be one of the following: a) I break down and take a piece of cake. I eat it. I feel guilty. I eat more to numb the guilt. I stop eating and the guilt comes back. I go home feeling fat and miserable and probably eat more when I get there. b) I stick to the carrot sticks. But when I get home? I feel like I've EARNED some warmed up naan. Or the low-calorie dessert I made... but I take two or three portions. Not so low-calorie now.
- This time, before going into a high-calorie situation, I plan. I pre-log. I try to anticipate what's going to be served and ask myself how much of an indulgence I need (emotionally, anyway) in order to feel like I got to eat something good and not go off the rails. Then I look it up in the MFP database, check the calories, and decide if it's worth it. I have two pieces of potato kugel and a frosted shortbread every Saturday and it is worth all 380 calories (guesstimated, but the weight is dropping). But come Hannukah, I couldn't justify 240 calories in a custard donut. 120 in HALF a donut was more doable.
- When I log in advance, it's like I've given myself permission to enjoy. I see that it fits my calories, nothing is getting derailed, and a treat is not necessarily a cheat. When I have the kugel and cookie? That's ALL I have. Not only do I not need to go back for more calorie-dense foods, I even skip the guilt and negativity that always got thrown in free of charge. I've come to recognize that the cookie was never the problem. The problem was the unhealthy guilt about having the cookie that sent me into a spiral.
- I eat a lot of healthy options. Healthy, not whatever 'clean' means these days. I have a fair amount of processed foods alongside home-cooked dishes. They keep me full and help me hit my nutrients. Because a treat may not be a cheat... but it's not a diet staple either.
- I'm kosher and vegetarian. That's restrictive enough for me without cutting out other foods. There are foods I find hard to moderate and don't buy, but it's certainly possible that I would have a small helping/single serving size if my calories allow. There are foods I've decided right here, right now, aren't worth the calories. (560 calories in my favorite bakery's apple turnover? I won't stop at half, but I don't want to use up that many of my daily allotment on one piece of pastry. Does that mean I'll never eat an apple turnover again? Probably not. At some point, maybe when I'm maintaining, it'll be a nice treat. But for now? There are other things I can have.
- I exercise. It gives me more calories to play with, but it also helps my moods, which keeps the emotional eating under control. And an hour on the fitness glider? Is an hour when I'm not debating whether I want another snack.
Good luck!1 -
Great replies here! Slow and steady. You didn't gain overnight, you don't need to lose overnight. I've lost twelve pounds in 6 months. I'm happy with that as I've gotten to have some cheat days, eaten some big meals, and am starting to realize I don't need to be in a perpetual weight loss mode.
Using this ap I can take a break and put it on maintenance for a week or two. That's much better than derailing or blowing it. Once you get into the counting calories no matter what, you'll gain a lot of confidence in your ability to control what you eat. I'm also in the "Lose a calorie a week" challenge. While I don't lose a calorie a week I keep participating and this helps to keep my head in the game.0 -
I've been doing the exact same thing. I just had a 5 day binge. Eating twice the calories. I haven't weighed myself. Today I'm trying to eat at my goal and not focus on the damage I did. Yes it was bad but need to break up and move on lol
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I am a recovering yo yo dieter. On January 1 I had 150 lbs to loose. This year I said enough! This is what I have done.
I made three small changes
1. Be kind to my self I'm worth it!
2. I try to make healthy choices with food and exercise. No diets nothing crazy didn't give anything up.
3. I track EVERY THING I eat and drink EVERY day! Good day bad days doesn't matter I track everything every day!
I have lost 50 lbs and I feel good.
You can do it just start small and slow!0 -
Great comments
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