need advise
Replies
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CornflakeGirl01 wrote: »This is a problem that you are even entertaining this. You need to reevaluate your marriage and what exactly this man is potentially fulfilling for you, then focus on getting that from your marriage. It may seem cold to cut him off, but it is for the health of your marriage. He needs to go to counseling and leave you alone. These are the sticky, grey situations that many people find themselves in that lead to complete madness, sadness, and pain.
I recommend reading "The Five Love Languages". It is an older book, but relevant to anyone married. I think everyone needs to spend time thinking about what is written in this book and find out what they want from their spouse. It is an easy read.
Delete him from your FB friends.
Mad Re5pext
This is Solid Advice.
(don't get cocky)0 -
mjtaylor87 wrote: »I am very happily married to my best friend. we will celebrate our 2 year wedding anniversary at the end of this month and have been together for 6 years. I have no doubt in my mind about him.
A couple of months ago i reconnected with an old friend. we were not actually a couple as much as just friends who would help scratch an itch, if you know what I mean. We were very good friends and felt very strongly for each other but never really worked out together. We recontacted on facebook because him and his wife were having some very big issues and they are the type of couple that air all their dirty laundry on facebook. SO i reached out so see if he needed some one to talk to.
I did this because when we first met and became friends i was married to my ex husband. No i did not cheat on my ex husband. My ex was verbally and mentally abusive and i feared things were about to take a turn to physically abusive. This friend noticed all of the signs of an abusive relationship and helped me to see that i deserved so much more and should be treated better. He was there for me through the whole thing. So when i saw they were having issues i stepped up to be the friend he was to me.
Over the last few months we have had off and on contact. Mostly when either his wife does something to make him mad or my husband does something to make me mad. We lean on each other a little because in both of our lives almost all of our friends are family and we find it is easier and safer to get these things off our chest and talk about things to some one that does not know our significant other.
The last two weeks have been hard on them and it seems that they are going to officially split up. Now we have both admitted that we will always have feelings for each other and he has said on countless occasions that if me and my husband ever split that he would leave his wife for me. I have no intention of ever being with him and i tell him that every time. My husband knows all about him and i always make sure to let him know when i have talked to him so he never feels like i am hiding anything.
He wants to meet with me. We have not been in the same room for about 6 years. I almost feel weird about it. he said it will just be eating and catching up. I fully intend to talk to my husband about it first to make sure he feels ok about it. I guess im just wanting some ones opinion on the situation. Im still uneasy about it and cant really pin point why.
The bolded part is concerning to me. "If" you split up from your husband...so does he want to divorce his wife but is just waiting for another option to be there? Kinda insinuates that to me.
Other than that, I'd say go out with him because you are curious to meet up with him again. Otherwise it will just be in your head and you will wonder about it.
I'd make sure to invite your husband to go along and if he wants to go make it work so all three of you can go out together.
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Sometimes the best love a person can offer is being able to let someone else go. It sounds terrible but there are benefits for everyone involved in the long run. Such as avoiding heartache, drama, or other negative complications. Just my two cents.
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Feelings are a wild and sometimes uncontrollable.... Don't do it if you love your husband. You have no idea how you'll feel about this guy if you do meet him. Keep the lid on the can!0
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Mixed it up. My husband, our kids, and I are meeting Him, his wife and their kids to go to the Children's museum. After talking to my husband and he didn't care at all about me going i found that what i was more uncomfortable about was that i didn't know whether he was being honest with his wife. So i man him an honest man lol and called her. made arrangements for everyone to go on our pass for free and we could all get to know each other.1
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BowlingForHollars wrote: »mjtaylor87 wrote: »Mixed it up. My husband, our kids, and I are meeting Him, his wife and their kids to go to the Children's museum. After talking to my husband and he didn't care at all about me going i found that what i was more uncomfortable about was that i didn't know whether he was being honest with his wife. So i man him an honest man lol and called her. made arrangements for everyone to go on our pass for free and we could all get to know each other.
Finally this story got hot!
lol really i would have thought that would have cooled it down a little.0 -
mjtaylor87 wrote: »I am very happily married to my best friend. we will celebrate our 2 year wedding anniversary at the end of this month and have been together for 6 years. I have no doubt in my mind about him.
A couple of months ago i reconnected with an old friend.
What kind of work does he do?0 -
he was a guard for a Juvenal center. but he told me the other day he was getting on with a delevery service. My husband is a jail deputy for the local county jail0
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mjtaylor87 wrote: »Mixed it up. My husband, our kids, and I are meeting Him, his wife and their kids to go to the Children's museum. After talking to my husband and he didn't care at all about me going i found that what i was more uncomfortable about was that i didn't know whether he was being honest with his wife. So i man him an honest man lol and called her. made arrangements for everyone to go on our pass for free and we could all get to know each other.
I thought he was ditching the wife?0 -
now they are working things out. its a day by day thing with them. I am excited though because i have always wanted to meet his wife.0
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Is this how swingers get started? I feel like that's going to be the next update on this post.7
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mjtaylor87 wrote: »now they are working things out. its a day by day thing with them. I am excited though because i have always wanted to meet his wife.
Working things out.. because he couldn't come up with an alternative... nice! :laugh:3 -
mjtaylor87 wrote: »he was a guard for a Juvenal center. but he told me the other day he was getting on with a delevery service. My husband is a jail deputy for the local county jail
Let him know that I'm unemployed.0 -
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I have a friend like this and it can be very dangerous. There is a bit of history and still a spark so we both have to keep away from each other. We still chat and support each other but we cannot meet. That would probably end in disaster.
His marriage is failing at the moment and I am one person that he can really rant to as I have no connection to his wife or his family or friends.
I am happy to support, sympathise and give advice if he needs it but we both know we can't meet in person. The attraction is too strong.
So be warned. Keep it distant just in case.2 -
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You need to not put yourself in a compromising position. You are opening a door for temptation to set in and unfortunately as much as you want to remain friends because you have a spark of a feeling, something will happen. Stay away!!! If you value you marriage and love your husband then do the right thing and delete. Sorry
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SomebodyWakeUpHIcks wrote: »mjtaylor87 wrote: »he was a guard for a Juvenal center. but he told me the other day he was getting on with a delevery service. My husband is a jail deputy for the local county jail
Let him know that I'm unemployed.
don't worry; everyone already knows that you're unemployed.0 -
also.... it's been bugging me.
* advice3 -
Caporegiem wrote: »Is this how swingers get started? I feel like that's going to be the next update on this post.
Oh he'll no. I remember him well. He no where near measures up to my husband 0 -
SomebodyWakeUpHIcks wrote: »mjtaylor87 wrote: »he was a guard for a Juvenal center. but he told me the other day he was getting on with a delevery service. My husband is a jail deputy for the local county jail
Let him know that I'm unemployed.
Will do buddy
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Okay...I tend to stay away from these chit-chat threads, but I clicked on yours (truly - to see if anyone corrected "advise", sorry) but I can't believe that I have a very similar situation.
I have a very old boyfriend - that is to say we met like 1987 or so...we dated on and off for quite a while. He would never settle down and be monogamous, so I'd stop seeing him, but then I'd break up with whoever I was seeing or need a date to some function or just want to go on vacation but not alone, so we'd hook back up again. He never missed sending me flowers for Valentine's day or my birthday - for years and years. (He can actually tell you the exact date we met. I haven't got a clue.) We are still friends. I have been thru a bad marriage and when it was over, he was there. He has actually been married and divorced too...but through it all, we never lost touch. So fast forward and I'm very happily married to the love of my life. Old BF is still in the picture. He still sends me birthday cards and he still calls ... but now the Xmas cards are addressed to my husband and me both. He's met my husband. He's been to our home and we've been to his. I've given hugs and quick peck-kisses on the cheek...in front of husband. I've said, "Love you!" as I hang up a phone call right in front of my husband and he's totally cool with it because he knows I DO love old BF...but not like I love him.
But, old BF, he's a flirt. At first, the birthday cards he sent - to my office not my house - were risqué as were some of his phone calls. At some point, I had to make it clear that I'm happily married and I'm going to stay that way and if he didn't knock it off we were going to part ways. he toned it down. But, he's not been above trying to sneak a not-so-much-peck of a kiss if he had ANY chance...
So I don't give him a chance.
I did go to lunch once - broad daylight on a work day with a deadline. It was okay. But I wouldn't make any kind of habit of it. He's suggested getting together. I suggested dinner with husband and I. As the years have gone by...I've been married 16...he's gotten less flirty. He's a good guy and I love him. We stay good friends - from a respectable distance. It's possible but from what I've seen, very unusual.
With your friend having relationship issues, and your gut feeing about him, I think a one-on-one meeting (no pun intended) is a bad idea. I'd keep it casual if I were you. Couples only. Go with your gut.0 -
LadyLilion wrote: »Okay...I tend to stay away from these chit-chat threads, but I clicked on yours (truly - to see if anyone corrected "advise", sorry) but I can't believe that I have a very similar situation.
I have a very old boyfriend - that is to say we met like 1987 or so...we dated on and off for quite a while. He would never settle down and be monogamous, so I'd stop seeing him, but then I'd break up with whoever I was seeing or need a date to some function or just want to go on vacation but not alone, so we'd hook back up again. He never missed sending me flowers for Valentine's day or my birthday - for years and years. (He can actually tell you the exact date we met. I haven't got a clue.) We are still friends. I have been thru a bad marriage and when it was over, he was there. He has actually been married and divorced too...but through it all, we never lost touch. So fast forward and I'm very happily married to the love of my life. Old BF is still in the picture. He still sends me birthday cards and he still calls ... but now the Xmas cards are addressed to my husband and me both. He's met my husband. He's been to our home and we've been to his. I've given hugs and quick peck-kisses on the cheek...in front of husband. I've said, "Love you!" as I hang up a phone call right in front of my husband and he's totally cool with it because he knows I DO love old BF...but not like I love him.
But, old BF, he's a flirt. At first, the birthday cards he sent - to my office not my house - were risqué as were some of his phone calls. At some point, I had to make it clear that I'm happily married and I'm going to stay that way and if he didn't knock it off we were going to part ways. he toned it down. But, he's not been above trying to sneak a not-so-much-peck of a kiss if he had ANY chance...
So I don't give him a chance.
I did go to lunch once - broad daylight on a work day with a deadline. It was okay. But I wouldn't make any kind of habit of it. He's suggested getting together. I suggested dinner with husband and I. As the years have gone by...I've been married 16...he's gotten less flirty. He's a good guy and I love him. We stay good friends - from a respectable distance. It's possible but from what I've seen, very unusual.
With your friend having relationship issues, and your gut feeing about him, I think a one-on-one meeting (no pun intended) is a bad idea. I'd keep it casual if I were you. Couples only. Go with your gut.
Thank you so much for coming in to the convo. This is so much what I want for us. Plus what I have failed to mention in previous posts is we live about an hour away from each other so it is not like the meet ups would be frequent and never alone. We don't flirt with each other when we talk. We have reminisced about the old days a few times but we don't flirt. For his birthday I sent a snack box to his house to be enjoyed by him and his whole family. I'm excited to get to meet his wife because she is still on the fence about me. My husband has zero worries about this. I have always made ever text and email available to him ( I'm not a phone call kind of peraon) . So you give me hope that this could work. But if it came down to him or my husband I will choose my husband every time0 -
I'd say keep it couples and families and really if you remain friends will largely depend on the wife. If she can't get past the "old girlfriend" thing or has trust issues with her husband...there's not a lot of chance there. Better to cut all contact than to have their marriage made more rocky.0
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LadyLilion wrote: »I'd say keep it couples and families and really if you remain friends will largely depend on the wife. If she can't get past the "old girlfriend" thing or has trust issues with her husband...there's not a lot of chance there. Better to cut all contact than to have their marriage made more rocky.
Thank you that is good advice0 -
mjtaylor87 wrote: »LadyLilion wrote: »I'd say keep it couples and families and really if you remain friends will largely depend on the wife. If she can't get past the "old girlfriend" thing or has trust issues with her husband...there's not a lot of chance there. Better to cut all contact than to have their marriage made more rocky.
Thank you that is good advice advise.
(sorry)
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Motorsheen wrote: »also.... it's been bugging me.
* advice
Just this one word?0 -
So when the dream come true and he leaves his wife and you leave your husband and you have your "ideal" life together... What happens down the track when you both start realising that you have changed significantly from who you were when you experienced a "close friendship" all those years ago? Who does he, or who do you turn to then?
(Hopefully it's ok for me to post here...I do sometimes frequent other boards in the community1
This discussion has been closed.
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