Restarting again

AminaMitchell

So after two years i'm here again trying to lose weight. I'm alot bigger than i was previously. I'll be honest i'm lazy and i don't care about myself. The only time my weight is an issue is when i'm outside. It's hot right now and it's around this time being fat becomes a problem.This is when being fat becomes an issue. Otherwise i can hide it.I'm not attractive(not because of my weight) Just not good looking or even average. So being fat growing up wasn't really an issue because i was already ugly.

I notice the stares i get. Or when i bump into people, who i haven't seen in years . I get these looks and . Then it hits me oh yeah i'm bigger than before. But i usually fob it off. I have Instagram and i'm sure everyone knows how health obsessed and beauty obsessed it is. Sometimes it gets to me other times i couldn't care less. I see the weight loss stories like it and go on my way. I cannot relate to it. Maybe it's because i don't want to.

I know what people are going to say. Document it. Go to the gym eat healthy. I have no self control with food. I'm always eating. It first started when i was 6 i started to binge eat and it got worse as i got older.For nearly 20 years i have had food issues. It's tiring. I don't want to go the the gym. It scares me. People judge you laugh at you or ignore you. There are three gyms here. and i have never seen overweight people like me infact i would say very few go. It can be very esteem shattering. Not that i have much of it.

I have been diagnosed with depression , borderline personality disorder and Schizoid personality disorder. (I know *kitten* pathetic) I'm a carer for my mum. And just a *kitten* pathetic person who lets everyone down. I just don't have the care for myself. I never have.But i'm getting bigger. I just don't know what to do. So maybe some advice again. I've posted three times before and i did nothing (I'm sorry).

fiddletime

I don't know what advice to give you that you haven't heard before. Depression is exhausting and I suspect is leading to a lot of your "I just don't care" comments. Everyone cares. Some just pretend they don't to try to hide the pain. You have one life on this planet and no dress rehearsal. This is it. Nobody will care more about your one shot on earth than you. I'd make sure you're in therapy and getting treatment for your disorders. That is something you're hopefully handling.

YinxFed

I feel so sad reading this post. But I am encouraged because I suspect that deep down you do care - or you wouldn't have written it. I would suggest that you just take baby steps. You don't have to join the gym, but you can take a 10 minute walk. Perhaps if you do this a few times a week you'll be able to increase your endurance.

Take baby steps - just one day at a time.

And take care of yourself

AminaMitchell

Thank you both for your kind and helpful comments. I will try and take it on-board and motivate myself to start and continue. Thanks. I Wish the best for the both of you.

CoueCoue

I just came across this post. It also makes me sad that you can feel so worthless. But you AREN'T worthless. The first part of your story that stuck out for me is that you are a carer for your Mum. What an amazing and generous person that makes you. That is really something special and selfless.

But you can't always care for others, you also need to care for yourself.

Gyms ARE scary if you're not used to them...so, start at home. A walk. OR if you are too self-conscious, maybe a DVD or a free workout on the internet (fitnessblender is great). Post you NSVs (non-scale victories) on MFP (there is a thread) and people are very supportive. For you, an NSV might be doing your FIRST walk OR doing three workouts on a week.

Write out your goals for the week. Post them on this thread. Then come back and tell us about your progress. If you slip up...no worries. Just get back up and write down your next week's goals.

BUT, we all know it is also about food, right. I agree with @fiddletime about getting help for your underlying struggles. On top of this, maybe turn your passion and (dare I say it), obsession with food in a different direction. Try exploring new ingredients and recipes. Enjoy discovering and making healthier food. Try and find some joy in your relationship with food, not just fear, shame and loathing.

We're all rooting for you!

(PS I have been debating about whether to do my 30 mins of "30 day shred" this evening. I've been procrastinating all day. Having read your post, you've inspired me to do it....cos I can't preach to you and then not do it myself can I? )

Sandcastles61

Hi there I've never been a gym person either so I totally understand your reluctance to even walk through the door. That said, weight loss happens in the kitchen, while fitness comes with exercise. I lost the first half of my weight without any exercise whatsoever (I'm a slug too, LOL) .... just tracking my food intake and keeping to my calorie goal. The second half I started intentionally walking (aside from what I did normally throughout the day) and ultimately added in swimming and aqua exercise because it's low impact. I did that because many of the long timers here can tell you exercise helps you retain muscle tissue as you lose. There are several people who are very large that go at the same time I do and not one person blinks an eye seeing them there. I know several people who consistently work out at the gym and they are so focused on what they themselves are doing anyone else is essentially invisible to them (even though we just 'know' everyone is looking at US!! They truly aren't!)

One of my MFP friends has severe anxiety and depression. It takes everything she has some days just to leave her house. But she does, and she makes her way to the gym .... some days she can't go in and others she does and gets crazy exercise numbers from using the elliptical. I swear, that thing is low impact but a calorie eating machine!!!! Unfortunately, my legs are too short for me to actually be able to use one dang it.

I have faith in you!!! You can do this Don't try to change everything up in a day or a week or even a month.... just take it one baby step at a time

88olds

What I took away from your post is you don't want to be bigger. That's a good place to start.

The thing I didn't see in your post is whether or not you're willing to change anything.

There's no magic. On a few words sent anonymously through cyberspace. But as fiddletime points out, we only get one life. Is this what you want to do with yours?

AminaMitchell

@CoueCoue and @Sandcastles61 Thank you both for your comments and advice. I will defintely make notes and try and do more. Brilliant advice and i truly needed it . So thank you both.

AminaMitchell

@88olds True you're right i hate being this size but don't care enough.

AminaMitchell

@fiddletime and @YinxFed Thank you for you advice and kindness.

aligbiker

I have bpd too i do relete to your post.

elephanteee

I can relate to a lot of this. It sounds like you need support. I literally have zero friends, like haven't "hungout" with anyone in years. I have found a lot of support through MFP. I added you.

The truth is, you won't get very far with much of anything if you don't care about yourself. You have to find a reason to be. It doesn't need to be that you're physically attractive, have tons of friends, or healing the world. I find purpose in helping people and animals. I do transport for a pug rescue and I help to facilitate groups at a children's bereavement center. This is where I get my inspiration and affirmation that I am *something* whether I fat, ugly, lazy, whatever. Pets don't care, people processing grief don't care. That's just me though. Good luck to you!

YESICA77

Just find some way to be active in a way possible! Exercise does miracles for mental illness. The endorphins kick in and help you feel good

HockeyGoalie35

Commit to it for 1 week. Just 7 days, anyone can do anything for 7 days. Plan every single meal you are going to cook. I use Mealime. If you can stick to it, eat clean and hydrate, I gaurentee you will want to keep going, you will feel better about yourself and be motivated to keep going. It takes 14 days for a person to develop a habit.

I never could diet, I always failed. This time I'm down 10lbs and have no desire to go back to 3500-4000 calories a day. I decided I wasn't going on a diet, I was going to change my life. I was sick of feeling bloated all the time, sweating in my sleep, constantly aggrivated and lashing out. That would be my advise, if your no comfortable at the gym don't go yet, don't stress yourself out. Sit down and look at your habits and make the choice that you want to change how you live. Do it in steps, set small goals, and work too the person you want to be. Losing weight is just a by product of you changing your life.

fiddletime

If you work, be sure you get a hobby. If you don't work, be sure you get a hobby. Hobbies are great and give us purpose and a sense of satisfaction. Even if you don't think you want to do anything- start something.

AminaMitchell

@elephanteee Thank you for this and thanks for the add. Very much appreciated i will definitely take on your advice. It was very helpful. Thank you. And i wish you all the best. And yes i don't have anything to care about or anything i'm passionate about. I feel nothing scary tbh. Thank you.

AminaMitchell

@YESICA77 Thank you for your comment. Yes i have heard of that. I'm hoping to buy an exercise machine don't know what yet. Thank you.

AminaMitchell

@HockeyGoalie35 Wow thanks for your advice i had no idea it take 14 days wow. Yeah i need to change my eating habits. I definitely need to eat clean and hydrate. I barely drink water and i snack alot. Same i was eating the same about of calories and had those issues.

Congrats on your weight-loss thats amazing and inspirational your right i need to take small steps. Logging what i eat makes me realize how much i overeat. Very scary tbh. Thank you great advice.

elephanteee

AminaMitchell wrote: »

@elephanteee Thank you for this and thanks for the add. Very much appreciated i will definitely take on your advice. It was very helpful. Thank you. And i wish you all the best. And yes i don't have anything to care about or anything i'm passionate about. I feel nothing scary tbh. Thank you.

Sometimes you find it. Sometimes it finds you. You don't have to want something to start your journey. You just have to want to want it. Don't ever give up on yourself.

AminaMitchell

@fiddletime You're right i spend my time doing absolutely nothing i do need a hobby. Thank you.

AminaMitchell

@aligbiker Hey if you ever need to talk. I'm here still coming to terms with it. Take care of yourself.

AminaMitchell

@elephanteee Yes you are right i will try. Thank you.