Does anybody else keep coming back?

Slarix

Okay, I'm going to try not writing an essay but I started trying to lose weight back in 2012 while in a toxic relationship. That went on for 3.5 years and I'd lose a bit of weight then gain it + more back. We split last year and I went on a spiral of self hate and now I'm the biggest I've ever been. Ever since Jan 2012 I've been on and off MFP. I feel like I have zero will power and I don't know how to kick my 320lbs butt into gear I can hardly move at this weight now, I feel so big and horrible. My confidence, self worth and self-esteem has gone completely and I'm lonely. But I don't want to burden anybody with having to date me because I'm unhealthy, unattractive and my weight right now is god damn unacceptable.

Slarix

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suetour

First you need to stop putting yourself down and you need to take ownership of the fact you brought yourself to this point. Now decide do I want stay this way or move forward and make a change. Obviously, you even speaking on the blog means the you was to make a change. Next record your food all meals, drinks, snacks. Try to drink a glass of water before every meal and work you way up to 8 cups a day. Take care of yourself, get your cut and styled, nails, toenails the bit. Dress up, buy at least one new item to make you feel special. Look in the mirror and instead looking at yourself with negatively, see the beauty of who want to be. In order make a chance you have love yourself enough to do it. Trust I understand it is not easy. I felt down the dumps many times. If don't stop you will remain in the state you are in. If you want to add me as a friend I would be happy to encourage you. Start now, get rid of all the food that is keeping you where you are. I keep fresh veggies, fruit and lean proteins. Aim for lo carb choices. The key is a balanced life style forget the word diet. You go girl and change one meal at time and one day at time. I know you can do. I am here doing it too. take care, Susan

asteriskthat

I keep coming back too. This time around I'm taking it ultra slowly so that I can eat as much as I can while still losing weight.
I understand the self-loathing; I've struggled with depression and anxiety my whole adult life and they can really get in the way of trying to look after myself.
My one piece of advice is to maybe not worry about weight just yet and start moving - exercise has been so good for my mood. Find something you like, or even just walk for 10 minutes a day.
Also, if you can afford it, look into a psychologist - they'll help with the non weight related issues and that could spread over to help with looking after yourself physically as well.

I hope this was readable. Add me as a friend if you want the accountability and/or someone to commiserate

CynthiasChoice

I feel your pain. I know what it's like to start over and over again. I've lost anywhere from 5 - 95 lbs and gained it back. My most recent attempt is going well: 60 lbs down in 7.5 months. It can be done!!

I was so frustrated with myself last November that I considered a gastric bypass. When I saw the doctor, he said I had to lose weight for six months before the procedure, and he prescribed a high protein, low carb diet with no snacks. Basically meat and veggies with very limited fruit and starches. I've never dieted this way, and I thought I could never do it, but I tried. It took a few weeks to get it right and then all of a sudden my appetite and cravings were gone. Eating the right balance of macros fixed my out of control appetite. This is the first time I've been on a diet that has truly satisfied me. I have confidence I can stay on it forever, and have chosen not to have surgery.

I don't know if all of the doctor's patients have the same success with his recommended eating plan, and I don't know if it would be right for you. I'm grateful I tried it though because it has enabled me to have hope in my future. When I'm not eating or fighting cravings I have time to think about and do other enjoyable things.

I would suggest seeing a dietitian to get started. Having someone to report to in the beginning really helps. You are worth it, and you can do it!

timtam163

I feel you. My fluctuations are not as big but we've all been there. Accepting yourself is not easy, but is a necessary first step; you are who you are right now. The first step is the hardest. Please be gentle with yourself, as you are not alone. Furthermore you are free of a toxic relationship.

I'd also like to offer a slightly different perspective. I obviously can't begin to know what you went through/are going through, but I know that after a particularly toxic relationship in high school I didn't feel worthy of love and affection, I didn't feel worthy of a healthy body, and though I was lonely and wished for a relationship I also desperately wanted to drown my feelings in food and drinking and keep boys away. I gained weight, and it helped me. It made me feel safe. It kept me from other toxic relationships. I wished the whole time that people close to me would care about my mental health half as much as they cared about my weight gain. But nobody was going to give me that; I had to give myself that. I think you truly have to develop self-compassion in order to make lasting change. In my case, I am grateful for the weight gain I experienced, because it allowed me the space to develop inner strength. It's been 12 years since that toxic high school relationship, and I've relapsed into bad relationships and bad habits since then, but it's never too late to start.

But you can start by changing your relationship with your body. Thanks to fatphobic culture, we are taught that weight is only a source of shame, rather than a natural product of physical and mental changes that take place. It can be a source of protection sometimes. It can be simply how our body IS. I cried when I heard of how Paul Mason, former "world's heaviest man", was abused as a child. As a culture we turn away from fat in fear and disgust, when sometimes all we need is compassion and love.

MFP might be full of people trying to lose weight, but in my experience, it's helpful to change your relationship with your fat and yourself before you can start changing. After that, it's just a matter of setting your mind to it.

grinning_chick

Yes, I keep coming back. Because one of these times, it's gonna be different. Ultimately succeed or (literally) die trying; that's my motto.

PaulaWallaDingDong

I never left since I started, but you can bet that if I ever got out of control again, I'd be back.

cmriverside

Spend some more time in these forums. There is a lot of wisdom to be had, and you can make online friends.

One day at at time. You'll get there!

cmriverside

...and, oh...I left a couple times. The first time I gained back nearly 20 pounds. The second time was seven years later and I didn't gain or lose that time. I'm pretty good on estimating my food intake now but I do need daily reminders of what I need to do and I find that reading threads gets me in the right mindset for food and exercise.

kshama2001

I feel ya - I gained 80 pounds while in a toxic relationship. Afterwards I joined a gym and started using exercise to manage stress instead of self-medicating with food. I lost the first 40 pounds swimming at the Y in the most hideous bathing suit ever sold by WalMart. Yes, I was self conscious at first, but I got over it. If at 320 the thought of a bathing suit is simply unacceptable to you, I won't give you a hard time about that and will instead suggest walking - just a little bit today, a little more tomorrow, and so on. Baby steps.

I also had therapy, which saved me from getting involved with yet another narcissist. Where are you on the therapy front?

I've tried a good half dozen anti-depressants over the years and the only one I really like is Wellbutrin, which is a little speedy, which helps motivate me to move.

kittybenn

I decided last year that I was never leaving MFP. That no matter how bad it got, I would log and check in. That may be a place for you to start. Just making the commitment to stay here and then making small changes. When you see progress it will be exciting and I hope you will start to spiral upward. Best of luck to you.

changeconsumeme

I've been back and forth here since 2009 in various forms.

It's never too late to change your life.

jburdett287

Yes, keep trying. I am also a yo-yo. I give up at the drop of a hat. I beat myself up. I look in the mirror and curse me self because I think I am fat and ugly and wonder why God made me this way. Then I stop and remember that God don't make no junk. God loves me. I am worthy. I have friends that love me. I am restarting again today. And if I fail, if I drop out, I'll be back, cause I'm worth it. So are you.