No matter what i do it's never good enough.

NerdTurd

hi all.. hope you are doing well.
i am feeling like utter crap right now. i just needed to vent somewhere that i know maybe a lot of people like me on a weight loss journey can relate to.
so far i have lost 10 pounds by changing up my food habits. i don't eat junk food anymore.. i drink more water, i am more active and i have been eating pretty damn good for the past 4 months now.
however... no matter what i do it's never good enough to my parents.
i live on my own so i visit them every other weekend. during these weekends my mum will feed me all kinds of crap, if i don't eat it she will say things like "hmm fair enough but you are missing out" etc. but when i want something like today for example.. i wanted 1 can of cola... just 1. and she had ago at me and my weight. "i thought you were on a diet" i told her that i have been on a diet the past 4 months i deserve a treat now and then. she replies with "you will never get skinny if you keep at this"

another time this happened was the day after easter. i didn't get an easter egg while everyone else had one. so i decided to buy myself a small easter egg. my dad had ago at me.. he shook his head at me and said "you need to stop eating sh** all the time you will never lose weight. you are the perfect example of weight gain. you have no self control at all"
i told him i dnno what the hell he seems to think but i don't eat junk everyday this was a one off and told them to stop being in my business about it. it's my body, my life. they just both shook their heads at me in the car.

my mum told me they would promise to stop but i can't hardly eat anything without them having ago at me for it. i have started to develop an unhealthy relationship with my food. i don't eat much if anything all week because i just feel like utter crap. sometimes i think it would be better if i wasn't alive because then i wouldn't hear the constant negative horrible comments.

i am trying super hard to sort my life out and not even my parents have faith in me. it's really crushing me and my mental energy. sometimes i can't even get out of bed that i am so depressed.

thanks for taking the time to read and any support or kind words would be super appreciated right now. if you go through something similar please feel free to share.
i hope you are having a better day than me

Chef_Barbell

Stop visiting them. Life is too short for toxic family.

Momepro

Remind them you love them, but you are an adult now and your eating habits are not thier business. You know to the quarter oz how much you need to lose, you know how to do it and you are on a plan that involves regular excercise, weigjing, and treats in moderation. You appreciate that they care and you love visiting, but negative judgements are unnecessary, unhelpful and undercutting the work you are doing on your own. Enough now.
After that, when they bring it up, just firmly but calmly remind them that you aren't discussing that anymore, and change tbe subject. Immediately.
If that doesn't help, consider cutting down on visits until everyone is more comfortable with your new lifestyle.

marelthu

I'm sorry but your parents are jerks. They seem to enjoy causing you pain for some bizarre reason. Don't let them break you down. Accept that they're toxic and don't rise to the bait they throw at you. I would limit my visits to an hour and then leave. You're never going to change them so change the way you react to them. Don't give them control. You're doing wonderfully well and you should be proud of yourself. Keep going!

PKM0515

I care about you.

Can you avoid seeing your parents for a while? If not, plan a reward or treat (food-related or not) for AFTER each visit. (And I understand if you can't avoid visiting.)

You are NOT your weight. You are so much more!

I have faith in you. You've lost 10 pounds and started eating healthier, drinking more water, and being more active. Those are great behaviors! I find being out in nature (walking, hiking, or just sitting in the park with a cup of coffee or tea and maybe some reading material - or not) can really lift my spirits.

Please consider seeing someone about your depression. Your mental health is every bit as important as your physical health, in my opinion.

I have faith in you, I care about you. YOU matter in this world!

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rheddmobile

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. Change is hard. It is very common for the people around you to fight back when you try to change.

Remember that these are the parents who brought you up to have the bad habits which allowed you to become overweight in the first place. It's not surprising that being around them is bad for changing your habits to new ones. I'm 49 years old and I still can't deal with the way my mother tries to feed me on holidays. They are the old dogs who can't learn new tricks. You go and be a younger dog, fix your own life, and let them carry on.

Work out some coping strategies ahead of time to avoid their attempts to sabotage you and your diet - for example, you can plan to have healthy foods to eat instead of what your mother serves, or offer to help her make something healthy. Don't make purchases of food in front of them or bring up the subject which will allow them to be nasty, and if they do say something nasty, reply by saying that you're glad they are concerned about you.

Not giving you an Easter egg may have been miscommunication - maybe they thought you wouldn't want one since you have been turning down junk. The way to avoid these situations is to discuss it ahead of time. For example, I told my mom I didn't want chocolate for Easter, but to go ahead and get some for my husband. Then my husband made me origami rabbits and put them in plastic eggs.

Regarding my husband - the last bit of advice I have is to find some sort of support apart from your family. If you don't have anyone like that near you, then please lean on people here. I'll be happy to talk any time.

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NerdTurd

thank you for all the comments and support it means a lot to me. i love my parents so much because they do so much for me. however i have constantly told them if they want to help me they need to not make me junk food. i told them i am sick of hearing "thought you were on a diet" every time i go to eat something.

hearing stuff like that all the time really changes your outlook on food. makes you feel guilty for eating at all. i tell my mum to have faith in me.. i said everything i could possibly say to make them understand i have made changes and that i am actually trying but it's almost like they don't believe me. it hurts so much when the people who mean the most to you don't have faith in you. and sometimes it's easier said than done to find the strength in yourself to get through weight loss.. there are so many things ready to kick you down to the ground. it seems like when you try to change for the better people don't like that... it feels like everyone is giving backhanded advice/compliments.

i told my mum after reading all of these that if they both don't stop having ago at me and my weight when i am trying my damned best i wont be coming down as much.

20-30 mins went by and my mum came into the room and said she will start making me healthy food from now on then. rice and chicken/salads etc. i told her that would be lovely if she could do that, then there would be no room for anyone to have ago at me. only time will tell if she sticks to it.

(she doesn't like me cooking in her house otherwise i would cook my own food. it's always been i get what i am given lol)

anyway, thank you all so much i have taken all your advice on board. it's so nice to get support from people who are probably in/have been in the same position i am in.
i also wish you all well on your journeys it's not an easy thing but as long as there are people like you and me we can do it =3

dholmes9

Hi, some parents find it difficult to let go, no matter how old you are. They feel they have to have the last word and must always know best; i think it is how they perceive parenting. In my experience, I separated loving them as my parents and individuals on the one hand and seeking their approval on the other. We are more or less programmed from birth to seek the approval of our parents, but then there comes a point when we have to view them just as other people, some things we may like, others not. Your mother gave birth to you and nurtured you to be an adult, but that doesn't give them a blank cheque to behave as they do. So, given that parents hold a special place in our lives, even if it hurts and it is disappointing, try to switch off their criticism because they just don't know any better, which is the generous view; if they do know better and chose to behave the way they do, then they really do not deserve your respect. You can love them and care for them, but just ignore their negative comments, don't seek their approval, chose your own life! I know it can be tough, but basically you have to let them go.... good luck!

CoueCoue

NerdTurd wrote: »

20-30 mins went by and my mum came into the room and said she will start making me healthy food from now on then. rice and chicken/salads etc. i told her that would be lovely if she could do that, then there would be no room for anyone to have ago at me. *only time will tell if she sticks to it*.

Sounds like you've made some great first steps, talking to your Mum....and that she has listened and said she would make an effort. Now, have faith in HER that she will live up to her promise just as you want her to have faith in you.

BE the change you want to see. And all the best to you and your success!

Momepro

Another little trick I do to, to remind my husband and friends that I am on a plan, is to offhandedly mention my "budget". I.E "I specifically ran an extra half hour and skipped two days worth of treats, because I knew you would have a great dessert planned for Dad's birthday..."
Sometimes this helps diffuse the "You're not taking this seriously, why should we?" comments before they happen.

NerdTurd

Momepro wrote: »

Another little trick I do to, to remind my husband and friends that I am on a plan, is to offhandedly mention my "budget". I.E "I specifically ran an extra half hour and skipped two days worth of treats, because I knew you would have a great dessert planned for Dad's birthday..."
Sometimes this helps diffuse the "You're not taking this seriously, why should we?" comments before they happen.

that's quite a good idea, thank you

ansmit4642014

My mother has been like this my whole life. Stop telling them about your diet diet plans. Find someone who will support you (feel free to add me if you want). If you have to limit your time with them then do what you have to. Don't be afraid to put them in their place.

cbeutler

Lot's of us have difficulty dealing with long term relationships and food. In some ways you and I can be grateful that it isn't a spouse giving us *kitten*. That would be very difficult to deal with. I had to accept that I invited comments from my family by sharing too much over the years. I would enlist there help, talk about which crazy diet I was on for decades as I got bigger and bigger.

In the end I stopped talking about it with my family, and when they make a comment I really try and down play it, good or bad. It took a long time to let their behavior change. So I acknowledged my part in it silently. Then I'd change the subject to something else.

I also cut down the frequency I saw them. It helped me to remember in my case, they were trying to be supportive. They just honestly weren't very good at it.

Good luck,
Craig

maxinebeatrice

Don't let other people break your spirit! They don't know what It feels like. they haven't been in our shoes. I know they're your parents but if you're not getting the support you needed from them, it's time to find other people who will help you and not kick you when you're down.

Hearts_2015

Chef_Barbell wrote: »

Stop visiting them. Life is too short for toxic family.

Exactly! Life is too short to spend time around ppl that wear you down, no matter who they are! Also save your occasional treats for when you can truly enjoy them, doesn't sound like your parents house is the place you can enjoy them. @ NerdTurd

Meaganinsardinia

Momepro wrote: »

Another little trick I do to, to remind my husband and friends that I am on a plan, is to offhandedly mention my "budget". I.E "I specifically ran an extra half hour and skipped two days worth of treats, because I knew you would have a great dessert planned for Dad's birthday..."
Sometimes this helps diffuse the "You're not taking this seriously, why should we?" comments before they happen.

What a clever idea. I hope this works for OP!

DebLaBounty

I'm so glad to see that you spoke directly to your mom. That's a great first step in setting up boundaries. Maybe you can come up with some strategy for every time they take a dig at you. Say the same thing every time. "Oh well, I'm reaching my goals doing what I'm doing." Then change the subject. "Do you have any travel plans? How about this weather! Have you heard anything new from Aunt Clara?"

Then there's still the possibility of your talking to a counselor once or twice to get some ideas about how to better cope with your parent's comments. You can't necessarily change them, but you can change how you view and react to them.

jennybearlv

My mother is a handful, so I will text her and stuff but even when we lived in the same city I would only see her a couple times a year. Unfortunately I married a man that likes to tell me what to do and get in my business. 100% sure he got that from his parents who I avoid even more than my own mother. I learned early in my marriage to either fight for what's important or just give no response to everything that is not. Your parents will learn that you won't back down and have to respect your choices or just have to deal with their nagging being ignored.

willnevergiveup

I'd give one warning "I don't want to hear anything you have to say about my weight and diet". If it continues, stop seeing them. It took me years and years to figure out I could never do enough to please my mother. Academics are important? I graduated university with honors at age 20. No comment. You want grandchildren? I had four kids (the only grandkids) although I did that for me and my DH, not her. Still. "Why did you have so many children?" My hair was too short or too long. I wore too much make-up or not enough. My dresses were too short or too long. I'd bring her a cup of tea and there was always something wrong with it--not enough milk or too much, too strong or too weak, too cold or too hot. I didn't see her the last 20 years of her life. And when she died, I finally had peace. I am blessed with a DH who's loved me whatever my size and who's only comment when I bring him coffee is "thank you!", said with a smile. Life is to dang short.

suetour

I would smile tell I love you but I old enough to make my own choices. I would say I would appreciate you being supportive not negative. Or just leave the room or go for a walk if it gets too much. The only person you have face in the mirror you and have done a awesome job making all those changes. So smile and feel proud.

everher

I agree with all the other posters and I would also say I wouldn't share about my diet or trying to lose weight with others.

Whether it's coworkers or family or friends I've read a good deal of stories on here about people sharing they are on a diet and these types of comments being made.

I find it's easier to keep stuff like this to yourself and it keeps people from making these types of commented.

Psychgrrl

Not making excuses for their unkind behavior, but parents can find it hard to let their children grow up and be adults, so they continue to relate to us, treat us and try to control us like we were children.

It's sounds like you've done a great job setting some boundaries with your folks and that your mom is responding.

You've accomplished a lot so far, and you'll keep going, with or without them. You have the power, they have the choice. Keep reminding them of what you need from them now and let them know you notice and appreciate how they're changing how they talk with you.

It's never going to be perfect. Keep your boundaries as firm as you can, have a safety plan for when their behavior goes all wonky, and know you have the right to take care of yourself. You don't have to listen to someone slinging crap at you just because they're related to you. That's not love, that's abuse and you deserve better.

gothchiq

It is time to set boundaries. Let them know this behavior is not okay and that if they continue you will be seeing less of them because their actions are not healthy for you. Then act on your promise. Don't give in. If they call and try to guilt trip you, say "this conversation is not healthy. Bye." and hang up. Either they will see the light or you will be seeing less of them and either way your life and your health plan will go smoother. I had to do something like this when I was in my twenties. It took a while but it worked.

NerdTurd

i forgot to mention my mum is an alcoholic. she was addicted to alcohol but was in COMPLETE denial an made everyone around her miserable with her nasty attitude and sometimes violence.

after a huge argument between my mum and dad after she came after me my dad smashed her bottle on the floor and she got on the floor crying trying to pick it up. he said "look at you... look at you crying over damn alcohol. that is what you have become. you care more over a damn bottle of alcohol than your own family" he threatened to leave her that night if she didn't change.

believe it or not she did... for a good 3-4 years she would only have a drink on special occasions or some weekends. recently she has been drinking every night again.. she has my dad completely fooled. she says "it helps me sleep" she has even blamed her friend saying that her friend drinks every day when she doesn't, she drinks every week on weekends like any normal person does to take the load off.

it's always excuses. it went from 2 drinks a night to 4. she would say "no this is my last one" 3 drinks become 5.

she goes through 2 bottles of jack denials a week sometimes 3 bottles. i told my dad she is getting into old habits again but he does absolutely nothing. i tell my mum seeing her drink this much hurts me but all she does is change the subject or talk over me when i am talking to her. it's really depressing me seeing her do this to herself.
and she has the nerve to talk down to me about food and my eating habits...
i can't explain the amount of anger i feel. the whole situation is gut wrenching.

i think the advice of not coming to my parents as often might be a good idea. as much as i love them they are quite toxic. they have bad habits and yet make me feel like my good habits are bad. i truly honestly can not win.

they are very ill so i didn't want to ever be apart in case something happens.. but i am starting to think they are bringing it on themselves.

again thanks for all the support.. it means so much to me. anyone who is going through a similar situation my heart goes out to you because it's honestly heartbreaking. might not seem like a big deal to some but to us it's soul crushing, de-motivating etc etc

rheddmobile

It sounds like a very difficult situation. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to protect yourself. You can't control your mother's behavior, but you can make the choice to be healthy yourself. My heart goes out to you as well.

jennybearlv

NerdTurd wrote: »

i forgot to mention my mum is an alcoholic. she was addicted to alcohol but was in COMPLETE denial an made everyone around her miserable with her nasty attitude and sometimes violence.

after a huge argument between my mum and dad after she came after me my dad smashed her bottle on the floor and she got on the floor crying trying to pick it up. he said "look at you... look at you crying over damn alcohol. that is what you have become. you care more over a damn bottle of alcohol than your own family" he threatened to leave her that night if she didn't change.

believe it or not she did... for a good 3-4 years she would only have a drink on special occasions or some weekends. recently she has been drinking every night again.. she has my dad completely fooled. she says "it helps me sleep" she has even blamed her friend saying that her friend drinks every day when she doesn't, she drinks every week on weekends like any normal person does to take the load off.

it's always excuses. it went from 2 drinks a night to 4. she would say "no this is my last one" 3 drinks become 5.

she goes through 2 bottles of jack denials a week sometimes 3 bottles. i told my dad she is getting into old habits again but he does absolutely nothing. i tell my mum seeing her drink this much hurts me but all she does is change the subject or talk over me when i am talking to her. it's really depressing me seeing her do this to herself.
and she has the nerve to talk down to me about food and my eating habits...
i can't explain the amount of anger i feel. the whole situation is gut wrenching.

i think the advice of not coming to my parents as often might be a good idea. as much as i love them they are quite toxic. they have bad habits and yet make me feel like my good habits are bad. i truly honestly can not win.

they are very ill so i didn't want to ever be apart in case something happens.. but i am starting to think they are bringing it on themselves.

again thanks for all the support.. it means so much to me. anyone who is going through a similar situation my heart goes out to you because it's honestly heartbreaking. might not seem like a big deal to some but to us it's soul crushing, de-motivating etc etc

I'm so sorry for what your family is going through. It's heartbreaking. It would be very brave of you to talk to your mother about her drinking and your dad about his enabling. Unfortunately you have as much control over the drinking as your parents do over your choices. If they don't want to listen and change all you can do is be loving and supportive, but never enabling. It definitely sounds like you could use some distance from this toxic situation until they are ready to change.

NerdTurd

[/quote]
I'm so sorry for what your family is going through. It's heartbreaking. It would be very brave of you to talk to your mother about her drinking and your dad about his enabling. Unfortunately you have as much control over the drinking as your parents do over your choices. If they don't want to listen and change all you can do is be loving and supportive, but never enabling. It definitely sounds like you could use some distance from this toxic situation until they are ready to change.[/quote]

I have tried over and over again but she talks over me. my dad is one of those "i am always right, don't talk up to me like you are somebody" type of guys. if i tell him about her drinking he will only say i need to leave her alone its her life bla bla. he's always been that way. Anything that he doesn't like to hear he will go mad at, he will lose his sh** pretty much. he has gone for me before. it's a messed up situation. i guess i came here to relate to someone.. if they been through similar. just to make me feel like i am not so alone because sometimes i feel like i am losing my sanity.

thanks for all your kind responses. feel free to share any of your related problems on this post x