Help, I'm Dying.

TLH9109

Hey, so I'm not new to diet thing. But I am new to asking for help. I'm 5'8, 30 years old, no children. I'm starting my journey at 350lbs.

I've had a battle with weight ever since I was a young girl. In my 20s it was the smallest I had been at 170lbs. I got that way from overexercising and phentermine. Needless to say that didn't work and I gained all of the weight lost plus another 100lbs. I've had jobs where I sacrificed both mental and physical health and now here I am. Thirty years old, severely obese, depressed, and suicidal.

Why am I airing out everything in this post? I don't know what else to do. I need help. I know I have support from friends and family, but I'd like to meet people here that will hold me accountable. I have nothing else to lose by being honest. I can exercise, but it's the food that's the hardest for me to control. Due to my job I can't really resort to drugs and alcoholism runs in my family so food it is.

I know I'll be dead by the end of the year if I keep going at this rate. I need help. I want to find similar people with similar struggles to help me daily. I'll do the same for you.

Sorry if this was long to read. Thank you ♥️

Sincerely,

TL

TsitoB

You can do this. Plan yourself out. Establish specific goals for yourself, even if they are small at first. I am by no means a professional, but you can do this if you commit to it.

TLH9109

Thank you. I appreciate it.

rheddmobile

The first thing to do, since you are suicidal, is to ask for local help from a professional with a medical degree. There are limits to how much people can help over the internet, and that sounds serious. Please get real help. I'm going to answer you based on the understanding that you will really, honestly, contact someone who is really able to help you.

Since you mentioned drugs and alcoholism, I'm going to go out on a limb and say you self medicate with food - emotional eating. You feel miserable so you overeat. Taking one of your sources of pleasure away from you isn't a good fix. You need more happiness in your life, not less. Are there any problems in your life that you could fix, but have been putting off? Is there anything you want to do for fun that you haven't gotten around to trying?

One way to diet effectively is to eat food which is low calorie but more enjoyable than the high calorie food you have been eating. It takes a little more work and thought. What are some of your food weaknesses? Can you figure out a way to get the same pleasure from foods without the same calories? For example, I eat a small amount of really good dark chocolate every day. I eat a really high quality steak every week. When I was overeating, I would eat bunches of chocolate cookies and hamburgers, many more calories to get less pleasure from my food.

jennybearlv

If you are thinking about harming yourself please go to the emergency room, call 911, or look up a suicide prevention hotline for your area.

jgnatca

You can have a different life. I suggest weekly SMART goals. Make every goal specific and realistic. Don't make it your goal weight related because as odd as it seems, weight fluctuates quite a bit regardless of what you eat today.

A goal might be to:
- buy a food scale (about $15)
- Log all your food for a single day
- Get a step counter or fitness tracker
- Sub out any sugar drinks with something else
- Pack your lunch and snacks to avoid convenience stops
- Pick up a new distracting hobby not related to food

I'm rooting for you.

Purple_Dracholic

You can do this!!!! When I quit smoking I used Facebook to help hold me accountable. I am going on 2 years smoke free now. In fact the 20th of July is my 2 year mark. It really did help having everyone stay on top of my not smoking. Loosing weight is just the same. It helps to have people hold you accountable at least that is what I am doing as well. I am new here too and hope to meet nice people that will help me through it too. I am definitely in your corner cheering you on!!!

TLH9109

Thank you for comments and support. It means more than you all know. I'm looking forward to this journey and I'm getting help in all aspects of my life. I know I have to do this for me.

Thank you ♥️

Shellybear70

First off you mentioned that you are suicidal so you should immediately reach out for help with that. Here's the info for the Suicide Prevention Hotline in the US.
1-800-273-8255
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Next since you also mentioned you have severe depression you should see a physician and likely seek counseling to manage that.
As far as your weight loss goals, incorporating some exercise into your calorie routine might help a little with your depression symptoms. And as your medication helps with symptom management that may help you with motivation to stuck with you fitness goals. I'm sure you're probably familiar with the cycle of gaining weight due to depression and having your depression get worse because you're gaining weight. :-( When it gets hard for me to stay motivated I try to remember "a year from now you're going to wish you started today". And you have started so that's a great first step! Good luck with all aspects of your journey

BWA468

I am 32, no kids. I don't weigh as much as you but I have been a bit bigger than my starting weight on here (Im still in the Obese category). I have also suffered with depression, anxiety and 'thoughts' (I don't like to say it or type it out but Im sure you know what I mean). I have had issues with alcoholism. I have found tracking my foods and looking forward to seeing progress has helped me a lot with my moods and how I feel (know that you may not lose weight every week, if you think you will you may get demotivated). Weigh all your foods and log accurately. The first couple of weeks you should see higher loses but this is water retention usually then it will slow a little bit/be smaller loses. Take photos for progress and also measurements. Make each day its own goal rather. Strength training has helped me a LOT with my moods and confidence. I feel great after doing exercise! Im not talking about slogging it out on a treadmill for hours on end (ugh!) but just using some dumbells and getting a good sweat up. Look at YouTube videos and find something enjoyable you like (if you dont feel comfortable or can't go to a gym). 10/15 mins a couple times a week is a good start but do something you will enjoy and is easy to stick to. Good luck, you've made the first step just signing up on here. Look at the Success Stories for motivation as well. Add me as a friend if you like

edited: its Monday morning and I can ramble and not make sense

HeliumIsNoble

Why am I airing out everything in this post? I don't know what else to do. I need help. I know I have support from friends and family, but I'd like to meet people here that will hold me accountable. I have nothing else to lose by being honest. I can exercise, but it's the food that's the hardest for me to control. Due to my job I can't really resort to drugs and alcoholism runs in my family so food it is.

This really resonated with me.

I've heard it said before that food is the addiction preferred by people with responsibilities. Abuse of drugs and alcohol exerts an unacceptable toll on those around you long before emotional eating, and over-eating doesn't have the potential to get you fired for being under the influence during your shift the day after.

I agree with other posters above- you can't deal with emotional eating by making yourself miserable. You need alternate sources of happiness, which is a strategy I've employed myself to crack my own habit of reaching for the biscuits under pressure.

TLH9109

Thank you all so much. I do have a doctor that's helping with my depression and anxiety. I'm starting small first. I've started writing in a journal to help too.

robertw486

TLH9109 wrote: »

Thank you all so much. I do have a doctor that's helping with my depression and anxiety. I'm starting small first. I've started writing in a journal to help too.

Good to see that involving a professional was one of your first steps. We have to know when we need some help beyond what regular friends and family are capable of.

I think it's awesome that you just "put it all out there" for the world to see, owned it, and are moving towards improvements in your life. I think that is an important step that many skip over, hoping that it all just fixes itself as time goes on.

Motivation, accountability, support, first hand success stories (with photos!) and more can be had here on the site. Just find the forms of the above that work best for you and your situation, and avoid what pushes you too far or causes conflict.

You've made some important steps in the right direction.... just keep stepping in that direction and you will reach your goals.

Sunna_W

You are really brave to put all of that out here.

Some other things to consider are incorporating a "new way of eating" by choosing different foods as part of your meal planning efforts.

These are some of the things that helped me:

I began to look at food differently by thinking about high protein/fat/fiber and low carbs/sugar meal planning (Paleo or Ketogenic). It's not the pyramid and it's not the USDA "my plate" - it's totally different and helps with the sugar / carb cravings.

See this website for a list: http://paleoiq.com/best-paleo-diet-blogs/

While I kind of fell into Paleo / Keto (high protein / fat with low, low sugar and carbs), I cannot imagine not eating this way pretty much forever. I am not hungry. I seem to be able to stay within my nutrition / calorie goals and I FEEL better.

No aches, pains and I lost weight almost without trying. (And, I am not always strict about eating no carbs -- I still occasionally allow myself some of the things that I like, {{{FRENCH FRIES}}} - just not more than once a week)

I include some very nutrient dense foods (a protein shake* for breakfast and a "blended" meal for lunch along with some mushrooms and mixed greens along with some Greek yogurt and shredded coconut) to assist with supporting collagen and muscle maintenance. The added fat in these meals keep me from being hungry and are within my calorie limit.

For the idea behind blended meals, see this website for details: http://www.fatsickandnearlydead.com/

Also, get a physical from a doctor that is going to spend more than 15 minutes with you, preferably someone with a background in hormonal management (if you are pre menopause, see someone who understands PMS; if you are post menopause, see someone who is a menopause specialist). Your hormones can make you crazy and make you hate your life. When my estrogen is low, the sound of my husband chewing makes me want to kill him... just saying.

Ref:
http://www.saragottfriedmd.com/why-do-i-feel-disconnected-the-cortisol-oxytocin-connection/
https://stopthethyroidmadness.com/things-we-have-learned/
https://www.yourhormones.com/signs-symptoms/

You want a doctor that will work with you to balance your hormones, check your thyroid (based on your symptoms, not your blood tests), and possibly also prescribe something to support your adrenals.

Panda8ach

Anyone that comes on here looking for help and is brave enough to be 100% honest regarding their mental state has my full respect and support. Trying to diet is hard enough but when there are other life spanners in the works, it sometimes feel impossible. Support for the depression is the first call...once the happy hormone balance is in place you can get to start on making your own happy You can do this, we all can!

oocdc2

Sunna_W wrote: »

While I kind of fell into Paleo / Keto (high protein / fat with low, low sugar and carbs), I cannot imagine not eating this way pretty much forever. I am not hungry. I seem to be able to stay within my nutrition / calorie goals and I FEEL better.

This was the most surprising thing for me when I ate like the MFP macro algorithm suggested. In the beginning, I was actually eating more, but I was eating better. I concentrated on making my protein and fiber goals, ignored fat, and kept on or under my calorie goal; that's it. I didn't feel cheated or starved.

(And, not a single vegetable except for mushrooms and onions--you don't have to eat salad to do this--nor did I exercise on purpose until I was close to my weight goal. I just mention this in case those are barriers for you. )

snooky211

Well done for asking for support. Things look bad now, but in fact you have already started to take control by opening up. Set yourself small goals for the following day...and don't allow yourself to pull back from seeing them through. A daily goal could be to walk for 10 minutes, and you can slowly increase this. Go outside, try to get into natural surroundings for at least a short time each day. I think you are very brave, and I am rooting for you

gothchiq

If you have ten bucks a month you can get a Planet Fitness membership. There are a lot of large people there working on their health and you won't have to worry about looking different.

fatprincess4now

Feel free to friend me. I am 36 years old and lost 64 lbs and still need more. I would be happy to chat with you and give you tips which helped me.

RedSierra

It sounds like you're doing all the right things now to get control of your health, including seeing a professional for depression and anxiety.

There's lots of good advice on here, so I won't repeat it. One that resonated with me was create or find more joy in your life: "You need more happiness in your life, not less... Is there anything you want to do for fun that you haven't gotten around to trying?"

It helps if you can find a physical exercise you love and can look forward to doing, whether it's going to the gym, dancing, riding a bike, hiking, simple walking, or something else -- not just exercise, but something you really enjoy. I love just plain walking in nature. It lifts my spirits and helps my body.

Here's an amazing little video (5 minutes, true story) about an overweight, depressed man who changed his life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qX9FSZJu448

CMNVA

OP, good on your for reaching out. This community is here for you. That's the beauty of it. Any time, night or day, whatever is on your mind, you can post it here and someone generally will answer and has been where you are.

I think the baby steps are a good idea. Trying to do too much at once is very overwhelming. The two things I would suggest you start with is:

1. Logging. Don't worry about WHAT you are eating today, but I want to see you log it. And I mean seriously log it. This will get you used to logging and measuring and it will give you a true idea of exactly how much food you eat when you are unrestrained. I think it's good for everyone to know what they eat when they are just eating.
2. Take a very short walk everyday. I don't care if it's just to the end of your block or around your building at work. Just move. Get your body used to walking.

Once you've done #1 and #2 for 2 weeks, you can take another baby step. My idea for that would be to look at your daily calories for #1 and shave off 200-400 calories a day. Then walk a little be farther.

You get the idea. I think just doing #1 and #2 is going to put some "control" back in your hands and you will start to feel better mentality, which is where it's all at with weight loss.

I think you've taken a great first step to come here and get it out.

skymningen

You have already achieved something. And I am not even talking about the "standard" 'accept that you need help/change'.

You said alcoholism runs in your family. I guess you are around alcohol a lot. Keeping away from alcohol and drug addiction while being depressed and around other addicts is a tough thing and you did it. You showed strength of mind, which is something that will help a lot with dieting and getting healthy and fit.

amusedmonkey

I started severely morbidly obese, and I'm now very close to being classified as simply overweight. The most important thing that helped me was to not overcomplicate it. I'm playing the long game. I only have one rule, whenever I consider a certain strategy I ask myself: do I see myself doing this 5 years from now? If the answer is no, I need to either tweak or discard that strategy. I don't see myself not eating grains in 5 years, so things like paleo, keto...etc are out of the question. I don't see myself not eating dairy, so veganism is out of the question.

Keep in mind the answer to that question may change with time. When I first started I didn't see myself walking for more than 5 minutes. It simply wasn't something I was going to sustain, so that's all I did. I walked for 5 minutes. After a while I saw myself walking for more, but running was out of the question, so I walked more. There was a point where running became feasible, so I took up running. I don't see myself running marathons, so I run but I don't train for marathons. Maybe someday, but that's not in my immediate future. Same thing with food. I could not fathom not having as much olive oil on my salad, so I only reduced it by 1/2-1 a teaspoon at a time. Baby steps and no complete food overhauls is what got me to this point.

For now don't worry too much about the details. Get the basics right first. Learn how to log your food correctly. With time, you may choose to experiment with different strategies and will pick up a few tricks that work for you here and there, but for now all you need to focus on is the basics. I personally focus more on the process itself, not the weight. Every time you learn more about yourself and find something that will help your weight management for life, it's a success, regardless what the scale is telling you. You will spend years losing the weight, and then the rest of your life maintaining it, so what your weight does short term is not important as long as you are learning, and making it as doable as possible and as habit building as possible is more important.

homeport51

I read through all the other replies before posting. I was like you. Not quite as heavy, but close and on my way up. I had been on several different programs, but my recurring downfall was that I was hungry all the time. Then when something came along that was stressful or in some other way derailing, I would throw my hands in the air and self medicate with food.
Last October I had bariatric surgery, specifically the sleeve. My insurance covered it (most do) and I can honestly say it was the best thing I ever did for myself. IT IS NOT A CURE!! It is a tool.. I can emphasize that strongly enough. It's not the easy way out, but it is an effective way to help you control your eating. You still would have to make changes in the way you ate, but because you aren't hungry all the time, it is easier to stick with a healthy eating plan. I have lost 106 lbs in less than a year and I feel amazing. So.. something to consider. Good luck in your journey, whatever you decide to do!

tabletop_joe

I want to echo the above comments that say you need more joy in your life. Go out and grab it, even if depression and self-doubt tell you not to. It's your birthright. Take it!

Dazzler21

TLH9109 wrote: »

Hey, so I'm not new to diet thing. But I am new to asking for help. I'm 5'8, 30 years old, no children. I'm starting my journey at 350lbs.

I've had a battle with weight ever since I was a young girl. In my 20s it was the smallest I had been at 170lbs. I got that way from overexercising and phentermine. Needless to say that didn't work and I gained all of the weight lost plus another 100lbs. I've had jobs where I sacrificed both mental and physical health and now here I am. Thirty years old, severely obese, depressed, and suicidal.

Why am I airing out everything in this post? I don't know what else to do. I need help. I know I have support from friends and family, but I'd like to meet people here that will hold me accountable. I have nothing else to lose by being honest. I can exercise, but it's the food that's the hardest for me to control. Due to my job I can't really resort to drugs and alcoholism runs in my family so food it is.

I know I'll be dead by the end of the year if I keep going at this rate. I need help. I want to find similar people with similar struggles to help me daily. I'll do the same for you.

Sorry if this was long to read. Thank you ♥️

Sincerely,

TL

You've taken the hardest step. Now it's time to BELIEVE only then will you ACHIEVE. I don't care how cheesy it sounds.

I tell you what, send me a private message I'd like to help by offering some free tips and support as and when you require it.

Know for now that it's a case of:
0. Be brave again and find someone you can speak to about your suicidal thoughts.
1. Get more active. (Get out doing some walking)
2. Get your nutrition right. Start by using MFP to log ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING you eat. You can then start to work out how to best adapt your diet.
3. Enjoy the journey, know it's all about becoming the BEST version of you.
4. Continue with that amazing bravery you have shown to ask for help.
5. Work with someone to set goals that are SMART, they will help you achieve.

I know I'm not in your situation weight wise, but I have helped many that were in the same head space.

I attempted suicide when I was 13 following the awful events that included finding my Mother's lifeless rigid body following her own suicide.

I failed. It wasn't that I didn't go through with it... My plan to go failed. Had i been successful in that desperate act, it would have been a huge mistake.

I couldn't be happier now, 15 years on.

I managed to overcome my situation and consider mine a story of success now in overcoming suicide. I have learned over time, just how fantastic it made me feel to help others in similar situations.

I also now contribute to the Mental Health community by getting involved in presentations about Suicide and Mental Health awareness.

I know you can be a success too. You're only 30, you likely have 50+ years of happiness ahead of you and you have taken that first step already.

Panda8ach

You've not been on for a few days.. Much love and support coming your way

shans34

Our stats are similar. I'm 35, SW 363 and my CW is 273. I know you can do it because I'm doing it! Feel free to add me

shans34

Just so you know, I was severely depressed when I got started. I wasn't suicidal, but I definitely had given up on everything. I'm willing to help support you!