Should I get involved in my own family?

dakotababy

I have this situation, and I am unsure if I am handling it correctly of if I should just let things go.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. My father is a raging alcoholic, with high standards and if very critical of others. My mom, classic co-dependent. I have 3 siblings. 2 of which still live at home.

I went to stay at my parents house for the week, and heard from everyone how terrible it is living in the house and how everyone is so critical/disrespectful. My mom would be upset with my dad, my brother would be upset with my mom and my sister would be upset with both my mom and dad. It is a giant mess.

One thing ANYONE would notice if you did not live with the family is how disrespectful they are when they all talk to each other. I have mentioned this to everyone separately and have suggested they try talking in a civilized manner.

Anyway - my question is....is this my place anymore? I have moved out and moved on. I feel bad for my youngest brother, who is terrified for when my sister moves out of the house because he will be alone. It is like a house of hate and anger which every way you look. I try to suggest things like "talk respectfully, don't yell, don't swear" (as then everyones defences just go up) but really...I feel like I am intruding.

What do you think? Would you just let this go, or try to get involved to help?

AlongCame_Molly

Yikes. I really don't have any advice as far as getting yourself involved, though it sounds to me like you already answered your own question by saying they always get defensive when you mention speaking more politely to each other. It may not be a question of "should you get involved?" it's probably more a question of "will this even be effective at all?"

That said, it's probably best to just get your poor brother out of there. How old is he? Is there anywhere he can go? A close friend's house whose parents don't mind taking in a "stray" until he graduates high school? Can he move in with you or your sister? If things really are that extreme you can look into helping him get emancipated from your parents so he can legally live on his own. Encourage him to get a job, if he's old enough, to keep him out of that house as often as possible.

Good luck!

TropicalFlowerz

It's a fine line,.....be there for your brother,when he needs to talk,or even spend the week end ,if you live close.But in the end people do what they really want to do.best wishes.

bernied262

Yikes. I really don't have any advice as far as getting yourself involved, though it sounds to me like you already answered your own question by saying they always get defensive when you mention speaking more politely to each other. It may not be a question of "should you get involved?" it's probably more a question of "will this even be effective at all?"

That said, it's probably best to just get your poor brother out of there. How old is he? Is there anywhere he can go? A close friend's house whose parents don't mind taking in a "stray" until he graduates high school? Can he move in with you or your sister? If things really are that extreme you can look into helping him get emancipated from your parents so he can legally live on his own. Encourage him to get a job, if he's old enough, to keep him out of that house as often as possible.

Good luck!

I have to agree with this. You say you are one of 4 kids, where is your other sibling? Can they help your brother get out of this situation?

I wish you, and your siblings, the very best of luck.

anemoneprose

in that environment, things move so fast, and people are so caught up in their patterns and they're so good at triggering each other, it's pretty much impossible.

best thing is to communicate with people on an individual basis and model behaviour for your younger sibs. take them out of that environment when you can; SHOW them, by how you interact with them in a different context, that it s possible to have a structured, calm life that is productive.

encourage them each, individually, to pursue their strengths. and if you find you have a moment where you have sway, support ANY effort for the little ones to get involved with eg team sports, arts, anything where they could be exposed to as many alternative role models as possible. 1) it's just time out of the house; 2) their world widens; 3) they build skills; 4) they might develop good relationships with coaches/teachers and/or peers.

very important: re school achievement: teach them how to create space to study, that is what will change their life options. no way they can do a good job at school in a crazy environment. homework club after school or library is better. or maybe at your place, if you're willing to go that far and you live nearby. (or as someone said at a friend's house, if you trust the parents)

re dealing with your dad's moods: tell them to just get out of the way. keep steering them towards constructive things out of the house.

teach them also calming techniques for themselves, if you know some. (even just deep breathing)

listen to them if they want to unburden themselves when they're upset.

key takeaways: structure, out of the house, stay calm, focus on strengths, crack a window to get other people into their lives

Stump_Likker

I grew up with an alcoholic father and a mother who threw her kids undet the bus to protect herself from his wrath. When my older brothers and sisters were young my dad was the "fun drunk". I was the eighth of nine, so by the time I came along he was the "mean drunk". He pulled a gun on me at one time.

He died in 1998 and I was not upset. I am not close with most of my brothers and sisters or my mother because of that. I will live with it. I'm here if they need me but otherwise I keep my distance.

Good luck in whatever you decide.