Thoughts please... When is texting gone to far?

freedom2016mfp

Given the many forms of communication for example a phone call would the following be considered out of line and inappropriate via a text message.... To be informed of a family member being diagnosed with breast cancer and all of the details that entails only to end the text message with call me tonight and we'll talk. I say WTFlip perhaps you should have saved the entire conversation for the phone call... ! Thoughts if you will ...

skymningen

I sometimes have problems to get things "out" when I am very emotional. Writing it down helps, meaning texting/chat. Just to get it out first.

Alatariel75

I have a personal issue with this. My family, parents especially, have embraced technology to extremes. I'm talking sending me a text to say Grandma was on her deathbed and posting (not once but twice) about close family members deaths of Facebook before calling me.

I think it's really poor form. When I called my mother out about the text regarding Grandma, she said "I didn't want to bother you at work". My response was "I work in an office where I take calls all day, it's far less of a "bother" to take a call from you saying Grandma is on the way out than receiving a text out of the blue."

Texts are for making plans, touching base and sending funny pictures. Not for important family news, unless there is an agreement about "I can't take a call, but text me if something happens"

middlehaitch

My adult son was recently admitted to emergency, diagnosed with a brain tumour, then mover to a larger hospital, all overnight.

My DIL texted me when she knew I would be up, and have at least half a cup of coffee in me.

Because I live 4.5 hr away, including a 95min ferry ride, that stops running at 9 pm, and starts again at 7am, she made the correct choice.
There was nothing I could do, and I would have worried unnecessarily if I had known sooner.

We spent the morning texting back and forth as I cleared my calendar and made my way over.

I am glad she did it the way she did as it set up an unemotional way for us to cope with a very emotional event.

This was in May, I cancelled a 7 week vacation, stayed with my son's family for a month to pick up the slack, and was relieved that DIL and I had held it together through the diagnosis, operation, and full recovery.

We all need to be told things in different ways. With the multi format communications available today I think the one that is the least stressful for those who have to make the contact is the one that is most appropriate.
It may not alway be what we would prefer, but the stress in such situations is enormous and being forgiving, open and accepting is huge.

Cheers, h.

ETA: my mum and sister all still live in the U.K., I am in western Canada.

My mum is 90 and if there was any medical emergency with her I would expect a text saying 'call me'.

The time difference is 8 hr,so trying to catch each other on the phone is difficult, and personally I would rather get a text than a home phone message that may well not be picked up for hours. h.

88olds

Ok. Let me get this straight. A family member has cancer right? They informed you of the diagnosis right? Now you've made this about how you received the information?

Maybe you're just upset. Maybe the family member with the diagnosis is upset. Perhaps you should reorder the priorities.

MichelleWithMoxie

My parents, 2 sisters, and I have a group text that we all constantly chat in. A lot of serious info is passed on through it, including my uncle almost dying and having to be hospitalized for several days due to something super bizarre. We literally text about everything there, all family matters and anything else. I think it's great. We all get to "discuss" together, commiserate or whatever. I don't think it's inappropriate at all to pass on serious and important info that way.

Bex953172

I got a text off my dad saying my Nan died at *time*
I rang back straight away and he ignored my call.
I was very pi$$ed off at the time but then I thought about it and he had just lost his mum and would have been in no state to talk about it.

Finding out you have breast cancer, must be awful, so awful in fact how would you even be able to say it out loud!
I think a text is okay. It's a big deal and sometimes writing things is a lot easier than talking about it.
Saves a lot of questions they may not even know the answer to yet.

Sorry you're family member has been diagnosed x

Unknown

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middlehaitch

Just for a little context.

I can remember back in the 50's & 60's it was considered bad form to impart such news by phone.
In person, or if the distance was too far, by telegraph or letter was the ' 'correct' way to communicate upsetting news.

Phones were for business or chit chat.
Times change.

Cheers, h.
(This was in working class northern England, )

jennybearlv

My mom notified me she was having survey for cancer via Facebook. I never saw the message, since I'm rarely on Facebook, and didn't know anything about it until a few months later at Christmas. My mom is a special kind of special, so I'm used to it.

RAinWA

I think it depends on what your family is used to. I have a very large family and we share a lot of information via group text. When I had emergency surgery recently, my husband called one sister who then sent out a text and updates. Saved my husband having to make a lot of phone calls while he was worried about me, he could just deal with the one sister. Saved my sister from having to make 25 phone calls.

edited because spelling is hard on Friday

everher

suzannesimmons3 wrote: »

Time to re evaluate priorities. You were told in the way the person sending out the message could probably only manage at the time. I told family members my mother had died by text because I didn't want to be arsed at that moment in time to deal with other people's grief and *kitten*. Tough if they didn't like it, it wasn't about pacifying them it was all about me and my sister and how we felt.

This.

I've seen this type of thing before though with others and myself. When my mother died some people were offended I didn't call them sooner. My mother had just died suddenly. My mother.

Newsflash: this is not even remotely about you. I know you may be upset, but you don't get to dictate how someone tells you upsetting news.

And for what it's worth, I've received my fair share of upsetting news over the phone and it does not make it any easier to take or process.

middlehaitch

Cutaway_Collar wrote: »

^

Milady, can you tell me more about post-war England????

You really shouldn't have asked that question- I could bore you to tears and still be waffling on.
The down side of s happy childhood.

Cheers, h.
ps: you have been missing for a while, nice to see your unique humour surface again. I think

lorrpb

There are lots of wise insights on this thread. There is no good way to receive upsetting news. Maybe if they had waited until tonight to call you would wish they had texted you sooner. Don't harbour anger and frustration over this, deal with your own grief and support your loved one who is ill. Try to follow your nutrition and exercise plan, it will help you get through this. God bless.

TavistockToad

If my phobe rings and its family, it means someone is in hospital or dead... otherwise, we text.

Or my 3 year old nephew has got hold of my sisters phone :laugh:

diryshe2

I personally believe that we each handle things in many different ways.

Just because one way is right for you and yours. My family may choose a different way.

Neither way is right nor wrong.

AliNouveau

Perhaps texting was easier because the person relaying the news might have been teary and it's easier to text than talk.

I know this happened with me when my dad died. I ignored calls in favour of texting because I didn't want to be a sobbing mess on the phone.

Be happy you were told.

Momepro

I have five brothers and sisters, as well as various other relatives. Most of them understand getting a mass text for personal and bad news. In fact, it makes it easier for all of us to share info and support in real time, because it's often impossible to talk during certain times of the day. Plus it eliminates the stupid jealous nonsense of who was called first and by whom. " I love you all equally, and consider gou equally important. By the way Grandma probably will die in a few hours."

Daylitor

Some things just need to be said in person or at least by a phone call, I completely agree with you

melmerritt33

At least you got told, when my mum was taken into hospital a while ago I only found out because one of her friends contacted me, my brother and his wife who live with her didn't call, text, email, carrier pigeon, nothing!

Madwife2009

melmerritt33 wrote: »

At least you got told, when my mum was taken into hospital a while ago I only found out because one of her friends contacted me, my brother and his wife who live with her didn't call, text, email, carrier pigeon, nothing!

My DH's mother didn't tell him she'd gone into hospital for major heart surgery. We knew that she was awaiting the operation, but not when or where and put two and two together when we couldn't contact her at home. My DH then rang every hospital in the area trying to find out which she was in, and whether or not she was even alive. The horrible woman hasn't been in touch since and has spent the last four years ignoring the fact that she has a son and grandchildren. I don't have a problem with her ignoring me (I think that her hatred stemmed from the fact that her late husband liked me and made it obvious) but I do take issue with her cutting her son off, for no apparent reason other than he breathes . . .

My DH also received an email from a friend of his who was terminally ill with cancer. When he opened said email, it was from the friend's wife, tellling him that his friend had died and when the funeral was. My poor DH, it was a horrible way to get that news. I'll never forget his reaction. How not to do something...

Bex953172

everher wrote: »

suzannesimmons3 wrote: »

Time to re evaluate priorities. You were told in the way the person sending out the message could probably only manage at the time. I told family members my mother had died by text because I didn't want to be arsed at that moment in time to deal with other people's grief and *kitten*. Tough if they didn't like it, it wasn't about pacifying them it was all about me and my sister and how we felt.

This.

I've seen this type of thing before though with others and myself. When my mother died some people were offended I didn't call them sooner. My mother had just died suddenly. My mother.

Newsflash: this is not even remotely about you. I know you may be upset, but you don't get to dictate how someone tells you upsetting news.

And for what it's worth, I've received my fair share of upsetting news over the phone and it does not make it any easier to take or process.

I disagree.
She may be your mother. But when my dad did it to me he was forgetting that she was my Nan! I loved her to bits, she meant more to me than anything and I got ignored. My feelings got brushed aside.
So saying this is even remotely about you is pretty goddamn rude as you're not the only one who cares about her.

However I agree how you receive the news shouldn't matter. But their feelings still do.

HOTTTAJ

Some people struggle with how to word things n may feel better with "ripping off the bandaid" through a text.

Alatariel75

Bex953172 wrote: »

everher wrote: »

suzannesimmons3 wrote: »

Time to re evaluate priorities. You were told in the way the person sending out the message could probably only manage at the time. I told family members my mother had died by text because I didn't want to be arsed at that moment in time to deal with other people's grief and *kitten*. Tough if they didn't like it, it wasn't about pacifying them it was all about me and my sister and how we felt.

This.

I've seen this type of thing before though with others and myself. When my mother died some people were offended I didn't call them sooner. My mother had just died suddenly. My mother.

Newsflash: this is not even remotely about you. I know you may be upset, but you don't get to dictate how someone tells you upsetting news.

And for what it's worth, I've received my fair share of upsetting news over the phone and it does not make it any easier to take or process.

I disagree.
She may be your mother. But when my dad did it to me he was forgetting that she was my Nan! I loved her to bits, she meant more to me than anything and I got ignored. My feelings got brushed aside.
So saying this is even remotely about you is pretty goddamn rude as you're not the only one who cares about her.

However I agree how you receive the news shouldn't matter. But their feelings still do.

Yeah, I think as adults, there are some things we need to be able to pull up our big kid pants on and do, regardless. Telling your kids that their grandparent is dead in a tactful manner is one of them. It sucks. It sucks so hard, but its got to be done and saying "well I'm hurting, so it makes it ok to cause more hurt to others" doesn't cut it. I had to sit here and make the calls to tell a whole bunch of people that my best friend in the world had died suddenly. It sucked. But I wouldn't have thought to text it, because my pain didn't mean I got to slap theirs down.

dutchandkiwi

Mixed feelings to be honest. If things to do with a close member of my family I prefer a call. My husband and I have a set up,

1. Generally we txt,
2. If need to discuss then we text we want to talk at a convenient time
3. Urgent; we call immediately.

That way I know if he calls out of the blue it is always urgent. Most of my relatives adhere to it as well, though some needed some guidance on what would be urgent. My MIL one time called me in the middle of the day, at work to ask about how I was hemming my pants as she was struck right that minute. She got the message that I could not even remotely consider that question urgent and I told her that she could ask those things in the evening too or send me a txt and I'd call her back on my break in future. But it shows how people have very different opinions on what is urgent enough to make a call.

That said if it is about a not very close relative the second one would apply IMO. Last year an uncle I had not seen voor years and was not close to died. Mum sent me a txt. I was fine with that. When my grandmother died, she called immediately though it was the middle of the night for me and far far from unexpected. he knew I would want to know.
Other stuff mum and I keep until the weekend when we have our weekly chat. I don't have a Zuckerberg account so at least I don't have that nuisance in my life, we do txt a lot though and I like that.

jgnatca

Nothing as traumatic as the bad news described here, but I had a problem with an employee who would use inappropriate methods of communication (and this was before IM and Text). She would send three minute voice mail messages and e-mail me to listen to my messages! It chained me to the phone as I replayed the message over to get to the meat of the matter. Because of her example, I read up on a few articles on appropriate communication and now I use this is my rule of thumb:

The more emotional the content, the more important it be in person. In person is best, phone or Skype is next, and e-mail/text is a distant last. Emoticons can't cover all the feels.