im sure im not the only one
I love my girlfriend I do but the fact that she does nothing around the house is starting to drive me crazy and I have mentioned it to her more than once than she tells me if I wasn't always bringing it up she would help out. So this week I did a little test and have left things dirtied and have not said a word about it to her. 5 days later dish washer still needs to be done, garbage needs to go outside, laundry needs done, bathroom needs scoured, vacuum needs ran and it is now driving me insane to the point where I'm just going to have to do it myself again because I can't handle it. How dirty does something have to get before your partner/boyfriend/husband will help you out with house work? The only thing she does is take one of the dogs outside in the morning before she leaves to work and even that I can hear her yelling at my poor dog (she gets overly excited to go outside and jumps all around doesn't matter how often you take her outside). I just want some help around the house why is that to much to ask for!!! How can I approach the subject once again to make her realize I need the help?
0
Replies
-
Yeah, this is me, actually. I'd rather eat on paper plates, or even over the sink than have to dirty a dish, cuz then I'll have to clean it. And really, I can't even explain it. I get depressed when I have to do any housework because I feel like I'm wasting my mind doing it. I have a bit of anxiety about how much time I have left on this earth. While it's unrealistic, as I'm in my 20's, the thought that I'm possibly wasting my time with housework really gets me down. I can't speak for your girlfriend, but that's my deal. And while I understood that my boyfriend needed help with the housework as he was the only one doing it, I felt rather powerless to do anything about it. It's really difficult to explain. It's like I was on two planes - one which understood that I need to do this stuff and another in which I was incapable of doing it.
As for broaching the subject, I'd try and say something very gently. Don't go in mad or irritated, because that might shut her down. Also, try and avoid a negative or accusative tone, such as "I do all the work," or "How come you never do anything around here?" Instead, I might put it more like, "It would really make me happy if..." or something like that. Beyond that, I'd praise her when she does something. This might sound a little weird, like training a dog, but if you vocalize your feelings appropriately, it might encourage her to do more. It might make her feel supported, and less like "What do I gotta do this crap for?" And while you might see that as an immature attitude, your support can have the power to change that. I, personally, feel much more motivated when my boyfriend praises me for the housework I do than getting annoyed with me for something I didn't do, which makes me disinclined to do it anymore.
And to anyone cracking their knuckles in preparation to try and tear me down, I'd like to make a few things clear. I realize that this way of thinking is completely irrational. I've been trying to do more work around the house and been sticking to it as of late. I -am- making an attempt to fight my irrational behavior and increase the amount of housework I do, so I'm not just some lazy B who doesn't wanna do anything.0 -
Yeah, this is me, actually. I'd rather eat on paper plates, or even over the sink than have to dirty a dish, cuz then I'll have to clean it. And really, I can't even explain it. I get depressed when I have to do any housework because I feel like I'm wasting my mind doing it. I have a bit of anxiety about how much time I have left on this earth. While it's unrealistic, as I'm in my 20's, the thought that I'm possibly wasting my time with housework really gets me down. I can't speak for your girlfriend, but that's my deal. And to anyone cracking their knuckles in preparation to try and tear me down, I'd like to make a few things clear. I realize that this way of thinking is completely irrational. I've been trying to do more work around the house and been sticking to it as of late. I -am- making an attempt to fight my irrational behavior and increase the amount of housework I do, so I'm not just some lazy B who doesn't wanna do anything.
Have you tried listening to an audio book while you do it? In all seriousness, if you felt you were achieving something whilst doing it, you might cope better. (coming from someone with some weird *kitten* anxieties about some weird *kitten* things)
As for the OP, it's just a talk you're going to keep having. Try not to be accusatory, that just gives her a reason to pretend its your fault she isnt doing it...0 -
I live with my sister, her husband and her 2kids. The house gets super messy. I feel I'm the only one constantly cleaning. I don't want to say anything as it is her house not mine. But I just keep cleaning. Dishes pile up, clothes are everywhere, and I mean EVERYWHERE! Rubbis everywhere, carpet is dirty everything.. It's driving me insane..0
-
Yeah, this is me, actually. I'd rather eat on paper plates, or even over the sink than have to dirty a dish, cuz then I'll have to clean it. And really, I can't even explain it. I get depressed when I have to do any housework because I feel like I'm wasting my mind doing it. I have a bit of anxiety about how much time I have left on this earth. While it's unrealistic, as I'm in my 20's, the thought that I'm possibly wasting my time with housework really gets me down. I can't speak for your girlfriend, but that's my deal. And to anyone cracking their knuckles in preparation to try and tear me down, I'd like to make a few things clear. I realize that this way of thinking is completely irrational. I've been trying to do more work around the house and been sticking to it as of late. I -am- making an attempt to fight my irrational behavior and increase the amount of housework I do, so I'm not just some lazy B who doesn't wanna do anything.
Have you tried listening to an audio book while you do it? In all seriousness, if you felt you were achieving something whilst doing it, you might cope better. (coming from someone with some weird *kitten* anxieties about some weird *kitten* things)
As for the OP, it's just a talk you're going to keep having. Try not to be accusatory, that just gives her a reason to pretend its your fault she isnt doing it...
I try and listen to documentaries and educational programming as I do housework. Not always possible, so at the least, I try and listen to music. And it does help, thanks for the suggestion
Another thing I do is to remind myself that as I do housework, I'm burning calories, which makes me a little less stubborn about doing it. 0 -
Haha! Omg I think we are coming from the same place. In clean the entire apartment and my husband will come and leave his clothes on the floor, not put his dishes in the sink. He even will go to the fridge and get something of of it, like Parmesan cheese, use it, leave it out and not put it back in. He knows I will do it after awhile cause it drives me nuts. In fact, when the house isn't spic and span he'll say, "are you on strike or something" cause it's just a habit for me to just clean it up.
Honestly, cleaning is therapeutic for me, so I don't gripe too much over a mess. But if you want your girlfriend to clean up more around the house you just gotta sit down with her and tell her that being the only person cleaning makes you feel like a maid, and you wanna feel like a couple, not a maid. It's gonna be awkward, but maybe if you explain it like that the she will get it.0 -
I just get so frustrated. whats weird is we used to live with my brother and I always blamed him for the mess but now that it is just us two im not so sure it was him anymore. ill try to give the praising thing a try but I don't feel like I should have to praise a 28 yr old woman for running a dishwasher :grumble: and honestly she is just lazy it has nothing to do with what you were saying minato if it was I would be more understanding no she just doesn't want to do it and never had to as she grew up having cleaning people come to their house twice a week and did everything for them. im almost at the point where im gonna start charging her by the hour everytime I clean I get to take money off of my part of rent why should I have to pay half of the bills and do ALL of the housework
0 -
Haha! Omg I think we are coming from the same place. In clean the entire apartment and my husband will come and leave his clothes on the floor, not put his dishes in the sink. He even will go to the fridge and get something of of it, like Parmesan cheese, use it, leave it out and not put it back in. He knows I will do it after awhile cause it drives me nuts. In fact, when the house isn't spic and span he'll say, "are you on strike or something" cause it's just a habit for me to just clean it up.
Honestly, cleaning is therapeutic for me, so I don't gripe too much over a mess. But if you want your girlfriend to clean up more around the house you just gotta sit down with her and tell her that being the only person cleaning makes you feel like a maid, and you wanna feel like a couple, not a maid. It's gonna be awkward, but maybe if you explain it like that the she will get it.
iv tried going that route and im always saying things like "ohhh I looveee being a housewife im gonna quit my job so I can just clean and pick up after you 24/7" I prob could work on my attitude with it a little more but after 1 year of it im at my wits end0 -
make a list of all the chores, how many times a week /month they need to be done, how long they take.I love my girlfriend I do but the fact that she does nothing around the house is starting to drive me crazy and I have mentioned it to her more than once than she tells me if I wasn't always bringing it up she would help out. So this week I did a little test and have left things dirtied and have not said a word about it to her. 5 days later dish washer still needs to be done, garbage needs to go outside, laundry needs done, bathroom needs scoured, vacuum needs ran and it is now driving me insane to the point where I'm just going to have to do it myself again because I can't handle it. How dirty does something have to get before your partner/boyfriend/husband will help you out with house work? The only thing she does is take one of the dogs outside in the morning before she leaves to work and even that I can hear her yelling at my poor dog (she gets overly excited to go outside and jumps all around doesn't matter how often you take her outside). I just want some help around the house why is that to much to ask for!!! How can I approach the subject once again to make her realize I need the help?
have an honest talk with her - ask her which of the chores has she been doing. possibley when she sees it written down she will realize that something has to change, it's not fair that one person is doing most of the chores.
if not - you have to decide if this is woth fighting over, if you can 'outsource' some of the work, etc because most likely she isn't going to change.0 -
I don't have any advice... But I love your Vette...
0 -
I don't have any advice... But I love your Vette...
I wish it was really mine....I was at a car show and they let me sit in it and take a picture...Someday hopefully!0 -
get her a french maids outfit and tell her its some kind of role playing for you0
-
This is such an age old scenario. In all likelihood her behaviors won't change. You should definitely have a conversation about it but the worst thing you can do is "keep score" and then wave the tally sheet in her face. Sharing space with the one you love is an exercise in compromise. Perhaps you do most of the cleaning but think about your life together as a whole, are there things she consistently takes care of like grocery shopping, car repairs, bill paying, lawn work, etc.? If yes then she is pulling her weight but not in the same capacity you are. You just accept, get it done, and enjoy each other. For 20 years my husband has left his dresser drawer open after he finds his clothes in the morning and he never hits the laundry basket with his socks/underwear choosing to drop them on the floor next to the bed instead each night. I spent years complaining about this only to come to the realization that did it really matter? I might close the drawer and pick up the dirty laundry every morning but he will cook dinner on nights I'm away, run to the store for milk in a pinch, and take the kids to the park so I can relax if I'm stressed. Tit for tat usually doesn't work. However if you look at the distribution of your combined efforts I bet it turns out to be pretty even. If it doesn't well, then I'm at a loss for advice. Best of luck to you.0
-
I hate saying this but going by my own experience this is one of the things in life you might have to accept. I have been married 46 years to a person like that. Believe me nothing has worked, arguments accomplish nothing but cause hard feelings. I just learned to accept the woman I love the way she is. You have to remember that you can not change a person, they have to want to change themselves. Good luck:flowerforyou:0
-
get her a french maids outfit and tell her its some kind of role playing for you
bahahaha I like your way of thinkig0 -
My husband never notices. Just not his thing. I do everything except take out the trash. If I ask him to do it then he will EVENTUALLY do it, but definitely on his own time and terms. It sucks having to ask him to pitch in, but it is what it is and at least he eventually does do what I've told him I need help with.
What I've noticed is that unless he is totally interested in what he is doing (like messing around in the garage or with his motorcycle) then there is no way he will ever just offer up to help around the house. Why would he when he has it so easy...haha. If you happen to find the secret to getting your partner 100% motivated to help PLEASE let the rest of the world know because that is a secret sauce that no one else seems to know either.
AND this is awesome, I'm not sure how much cleaning my husband would actually get done if he put forth this much effort in front of me..hahaha:
0 -
I live with my sister, her husband and her 2kids. The house gets super messy. I feel I'm the only one constantly cleaning. I don't want to say anything as it is her house not mine. But I just keep cleaning. Dishes pile up, clothes are everywhere, and I mean EVERYWHERE! Rubbis everywhere, carpet is dirty everything.. It's driving me insane..
If it's not your house (temporary arrangement?) then why are you cleaning it? Your sister is grown-up enough to be married and have kids, so she's grown up enough to clean her own damn house. Or, failing that, pay someone else to do it. I mean, if you're gonna play housekeeper, you should at least get paid for it; all the time you spend cleaning is time you COULD be spending on...oh, anything else. Like finding a place to live where you're not being disrespected.0 -
GET A DISHWASHER if you don't have one. #1 most important thing.0
-
I just get so frustrated. whats weird is we used to live with my brother and I always blamed him for the mess but now that it is just us two im not so sure it was him anymore. ill try to give the praising thing a try but I don't feel like I should have to praise a 28 yr old woman for running a dishwasher :grumble: and honestly she is just lazy it has nothing to do with what you were saying minato if it was I would be more understanding no she just doesn't want to do it and never had to as she grew up having cleaning people come to their house twice a week and did everything for them. im almost at the point where im gonna start charging her by the hour everytime I clean I get to take money off of my part of rent why should I have to pay half of the bills and do ALL of the housework
By "praise" I think that person meant "acknowledge and thank." Not "oh, honey, you did such a good job running the dishwasher! yes you did! good girl! who wants a treat?", but rather "Hey, thanks for running the dishwasher, I appreciate it." If you're constantly asking her to clean up, but never notice or say anything when she does, then it sounds like you're just b*tching at her for the sake of b*tching at her. My SO comes from a similar place of having grown up with a maid service, and I have to lean on him to get him to do chores, but I try to have us do them together (I'll sweep and he'll follow me with the dust pan and tiny broom, for instance), and I make sure to thank him for doing them.0 -
My husband never notices. Just not his thing. I do everything except take out the trash. If I ask him to do it then he will EVENTUALLY do it, but definitely on his own time and terms. It sucks having to ask him to pitch in, but it is what it is and at least he eventually does do what I've told him I need help with.
What I've noticed is that unless he is totally interested in what he is doing (like messing around in the garage or with his motorcycle) then there is no way he will ever just offer up to help around the house. Why would he when he has it so easy...haha. If you happen to find the secret to getting your partner 100% motivated to help PLEASE let the rest of the world know because that is a secret sauce that no one else seems to know either.
AND this is awesome, I'm not sure how much cleaning my husband would actually get done if he put forth this much effort in front of me..hahaha:
All she does is watch tv ill even ask on a commercial but nooooo I just get the evil stare 0 -
I hate saying this but going by my own experience this is one of the things in life you might have to accept. I have been married 46 years to a person like that. Believe me nothing has worked, arguments accomplish nothing but cause hard feelings. I just learned to accept the woman I love the way she is. You have to remember that you can not change a person, they have to want to change themselves. Good luck:flowerforyou:
This is something I will never be able to accept, why the F888 should I clean up after everyone, we all live here n make mess, I can tolerate the kids making a mess but not my husband. He's a grown man and there's no way in the world I am going to pick up after him.
We've had many rows over this and he does do much, much more now, so imo it is worth going on about it.0 -
I just get so frustrated. whats weird is we used to live with my brother and I always blamed him for the mess but now that it is just us two im not so sure it was him anymore. ill try to give the praising thing a try but I don't feel like I should have to praise a 28 yr old woman for running a dishwasher :grumble: and honestly she is just lazy it has nothing to do with what you were saying minato if it was I would be more understanding no she just doesn't want to do it and never had to as she grew up having cleaning people come to their house twice a week and did everything for them. im almost at the point where im gonna start charging her by the hour everytime I clean I get to take money off of my part of rent why should I have to pay half of the bills and do ALL of the housework
By "praise" I think that person meant "acknowledge and thank." Not "oh, honey, you did such a good job running the dishwasher! yes you did! good girl! who wants a treat?", but rather "Hey, thanks for running the dishwasher, I appreciate it." If you're constantly asking her to clean up, but never notice or say anything when she does, then it sounds like you're just b*tching at her for the sake of b*tching at her. My SO comes from a similar place of having grown up with a maid service, and I have to lean on him to get him to do chores, but I try to have us do them together (I'll sweep and he'll follow me with the dust pan and tiny broom, for instance), and I make sure to thank him for doing them.
haha that made me laugh! whats funny is the few rare times she does do something she will text me to tell me she did it before I can even get home to thank her I kinda find it funny that people need a thank you for cleaning their own house now if it was someone elses house than ya definitely but your own home really! I guess that's just me0 -
The longer this topic goes on, the more I'm convinced OP is going to have to have a long and difficult conversation with this girl. If this is going to be an issue, it needs to be addressed swiftly; resentment and contempt for one another are the kisses of death for healthy relationships.0
-
GET A DISHWASHER if you don't have one. #1 most important thing.
we have one but it is a mini one we live in a one bedroom apartment so it fills up pretty fast and if it is full she just piles them in the sink instead of running it and doing another load0 -
My husband never notices. Just not his thing. I do everything except take out the trash. If I ask him to do it then he will EVENTUALLY do it, but definitely on his own time and terms. It sucks having to ask him to pitch in, but it is what it is and at least he eventually does do what I've told him I need help with.
What I've noticed is that unless he is totally interested in what he is doing (like messing around in the garage or with his motorcycle) then there is no way he will ever just offer up to help around the house. Why would he when he has it so easy...haha. If you happen to find the secret to getting your partner 100% motivated to help PLEASE let the rest of the world know because that is a secret sauce that no one else seems to know either.
AND this is awesome, I'm not sure how much cleaning my husband would actually get done if he put forth this much effort in front of me..hahaha:
All she does is watch tv ill even ask on a commercial but nooooo I just get the evil stare
She's taking the piss. I know if it were me I would make noise or something equally childish so she couldn't enjoy her tv programs...if you can't enjoy a clean/tidy home due to her laziness why should she get what she wants.0 -
Why not just dump the slob? If you've told her the issue bothers you and she still wants to live like a pig, don't let her drag you down too. Obviously you aren't happy with the situation.0
-
The longer this topic goes on, the more I'm convinced OP is going to have to have a long and difficult conversation with this girl. If this is going to be an issue, it needs to be addressed swiftly; resentment and contempt for one another are the kisses of death for healthy relationships.
ill take diff advice from everyone....make her put on a French maids outfit while I hand her a chore list telling her I would really appreciate some help with housework in a calm manner....oh if only that would ever work out0 -
My husband does everything0
-
My husband never notices. Just not his thing. I do everything except take out the trash. If I ask him to do it then he will EVENTUALLY do it, but definitely on his own time and terms. It sucks having to ask him to pitch in, but it is what it is and at least he eventually does do what I've told him I need help with.
What I've noticed is that unless he is totally interested in what he is doing (like messing around in the garage or with his motorcycle) then there is no way he will ever just offer up to help around the house. Why would he when he has it so easy...haha. If you happen to find the secret to getting your partner 100% motivated to help PLEASE let the rest of the world know because that is a secret sauce that no one else seems to know either.
AND this is awesome, I'm not sure how much cleaning my husband would actually get done if he put forth this much effort in front of me..hahaha:
All she does is watch tv ill even ask on a commercial but nooooo I just get the evil stare
She's taking the piss. I know if it were me I would make noise or something equally childish so she couldn't enjoy her tv programs...if you can't enjoy a clean/tidy home due to her laziness why should she get what she wants.
i like this idea ill run the vacuum while big brother is on tonight!0 -
Why not just dump the slob? If you've told her the issue bothers you and she still wants to live like a pig, don't let her drag you down too. Obviously you aren't happy with the situation.
cuz i love the slob :blushing: just because one thing bothers me that doesn't take away the good stuff she does do she truly is my best friend and i can tell her everything no one can make me laugh like she can and i can be 100% myself around her she puts up with all my weirdness0 -
My husband does everything
jealous :noway:0
This discussion has been closed.
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 394.2K Introduce Yourself
- 43.9K Getting Started
- 260.4K Health and Weight Loss
- 176.1K Food and Nutrition
- 47.5K Recipes
- 232.6K Fitness and Exercise
- 439 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.6K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 153.1K Motivation and Support
- 8.1K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.4K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.9K MyFitnessPal Information
- 15 News and Announcements
- 1.2K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.7K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions