How to build self-confidence when you are a perpetually "negative" and overanalytical person.

PrincessTinyheart

Maybe at least one person out there can relate to this... I honestly believe that I am broken when it comes to building self-confidence, because all of the fixes that everyone says are surefire ways to do it have no effect whatsoever on me. I'm seeing a therapist. Aside from giving me ideas on how I need to change in order to better my relationships with other people, it doesn't do a damn thing for how I feel about myself, only how others feel about me. I set goals for myself... and I do sometimes reach them, but they don't really do much for how I feel about myself. I don't know why. Maybe I'm picking the wrong goals?

I often read that you should try focusing on your best features and downplaying the ones that aren't so hot (this is mostly related to body and appearance confidence). But what if you don't really have any good points worth playing up, or you don't know what they are? If I possessed that level of self-awareness, I would probably not feel as bad about myself as I do. And what if the there are things about yourself that you think are your good points, but they really aren't so hot because you lack good judgment or self-awareness? This is something I often question, but I feel like I shouldn't because every article and book I've ever read about confidence just kind of takes it granted that you should KNOW what your best features are.

If you can't tell, I overanalyze everything and tend to be what most people call "negative". I just consider myself a realist (shrug). I find this often cripples how I feel about myself and my weight loss journey. Right now I'm struggling to lose about 10 lbs that I have somehow gained over the past 2 weeks, despite meticulously weighing and logging everything I eat and exercising every day.

I hate feeling like there is no point to trying anymore and struggling to feel good about myself in the process.

cmriverside

I think you're spending way too much time in your own head. Can you find a volunteer opportunity - something that will help others?

I cannot allow self-pity to get a foothold. We all have that little negative voice, but I don't dwell on it or I make myself sick.

You are the master of your own thoughts.

KosmosKitten

I can't really help in regards to your experience/thoughts, but I can at least assure you that you aren't the only one. I've been described as an extremely negative person most of my life because I tend to view things in the exact same way you describe.

I don't necessarily always see it as being negative, but more a nature of being extremely pragmatic, which I've discovered very few people like/tolerate. And much like you, I've seen therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists about it. Not a single one has helped. It felt more like I was just hanging out in an echo chamber than actually receiving any meaningful insights into my mind and relationships with others.

Honestly, reading this just felt like someone else was in my head. A bit eerie, to tell the truth.

Grimmerick

My husband tends to be a negative "realist" and it honestly drives me bonkers. He says things that don't need saying. That would be my biggest piece of advice when dealing with others. Not everything in your head needs to be said, stop and think if what you are going to say contributes to something positively or negatively, hopefully eventually this behavior will change into more positive things, it's working for my husband. As far as personal negativity, well I think some of that is normal to be honest, don't be too hard on yourself. My friend would always say, stop pointing out your flaws, most people don't even notice them until you point them out. When I think about how I view others, it tends to be true.

MichelleSilverleaf

Was in the same boat as you for quite awhile. It comes down to learning to love yourself as is, and yes that can be hard when you're pretty convinced there's nothing to love. A lot of people struggle with it. A lot of us also worry WAY too much on what others think of us, sometimes to the point of it being crippling. If there is something you like about yourself, own it. If there are things you do that you enjoy, own it. Baby steps. Confidence is not built in a day, but it does build over time.

tulips_and_tea

PrincessTinyheart wrote: »

Maybe at least one person out there can relate to this... I honestly believe that I am broken when it comes to building self-confidence, because all of the fixes that everyone says are surefire ways to do it have no effect whatsoever on me. I'm seeing a therapist. Aside from giving me ideas on how I need to change in order to better my relationships with other people, it doesn't do a damn thing for how I feel about myself, only how others feel about me. I set goals for myself... and I do sometimes reach them, but they don't really do much for how I feel about myself. I don't know why. Maybe I'm picking the wrong goals?

I often read that you should try focusing on your best features and downplaying the ones that aren't so hot (this is mostly related to body and appearance confidence). But what if you don't really have any good points worth playing up, or you don't know what they are? If I possessed that level of self-awareness, I would probably not feel as bad about myself as I do. And what if the there are things about yourself that you think are your good points, but they really aren't so hot because you lack good judgment or self-awareness? This is something I often question, but I feel like I shouldn't because every article and book I've ever read about confidence just kind of takes it granted that you should KNOW what your best features are.

If you can't tell, I overanalyze everything and tend to be what most people call "negative". I just consider myself a realist (shrug). I find this often cripples how I feel about myself and my weight loss journey. Right now I'm struggling to lose about 10 lbs that I have somehow gained over the past 2 weeks, despite meticulously weighing and logging everything I eat and exercising every day.

I hate feeling like there is no point to trying anymore and struggling to feel good about myself in the process.

Self-confidence can be learned. Just from reading your post and looking at your profile pics, I can see that you are very pretty, have a sense of humor, and can write intelligently and with proper grammar.

As far as the bold above, of course you have good points worth emphasizing! And, no, they aren't negated by our "bad" traits and habits. They are all separate: some things about us are good, some things aren't so good, but we can work on it.

I tend to be negative and over think things, too, so I get what you're saying. Have you talked to your therapist specifically that you'd like to focus on your relationship with yourself instead of with others right now? I'd voice my concerns and see how they react. Perhaps find a new therapist, if need be.

PrincessTinyheart

cmriverside wrote: »

I think you're spending way too much time in your own head. Can you find a volunteer opportunity - something that will help others?

I cannot allow self-pity to get a foothold. We all have that little negative voice, but I don't dwell on it or I make myself sick.

You are the master of your own thoughts.

I do get involved in various social causes and volunteer stuff. It's a good feeling to take part in something greater than yourself and help others, but ultimately I end up feeling like a pathetic whiner when I realize that I have it better than other people and really shouldn't complain. It doesn't do anything to improve my mood or attitude, per se, but I do like the feeling of knowing I'm making a difference in someone else's life.

kimny72

You are definitely not alone. I have zero natural self confidence and most people I know would list "over-analysis" as one of my strengths. The sheer number of inferences the voices in my head can make from how someone says hello to me is staggering.

I peeked at your profile and you list a husband and 10 hobbies. Sounds to me like a pretty full life . You have me beat by one husband and like 6 hobbies.

Try to notice throughout the day when you do something that helps someone, makes them smile, or leaves a tiny bit of the world a better place. Really notice it - write it down and feel good about it. Get out in nature if you can. Not sure why, but when I started taking walks in the park near my apartment it really helps me look at the world and myself with a slightly more positive slant.

You don't say how old you are, but when I hit my forties it eased off a little. I just kind of accepted a bit that I was not going to be "that" woman. I am who I am and fighting it never worked so whatever. I try to focus on being kind to people and volunteering. I used to hope that doing that would get me the people and the life I was supposed to have, now I just do it because I know it helps and I can feel proud of that. Mind you, I still spend far more time feeling like an invisible failure, but it's only 60% of the time instead of 80%.

One other thing to try - set "process" goals instead of "outcome" goals. So a process goal would be to take a walk before going to work every morning, or eating 5 servings of produce a day. Things like weight and confidence are sometimes crappy goals because you don't have enough control over all the variables. Hang in there :flowerforyou:

PrincessTinyheart

CanesGalactica wrote: »

I can't really help in regards to your experience/thoughts, but I can at least assure you that you aren't the only one. I've been described as an extremely negative person most of my life because I tend to view things in the exact same way you describe.

I don't necessarily always see it as being negative, but more a nature of being extremely pragmatic, which I've discovered very few people like/tolerate. And much like you, I've seen therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists about it. Not a single one has helped. It felt more like I was just hanging out in an echo chamber than actually receiving any meaningful insights into my mind and relationships with others.

Honestly, reading this just felt like someone else was in my head. A bit eerie, to tell the truth.

I am so glad I'm not the only one who is like this.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I sometimes would give anything to be able to see things the way "positive" people do, to be able to delude myself into believing things about myself and life and take them at face value.

PrincessTinyheart

kimny72 wrote: »

You don't say how old you are, but when I hit my forties it eased off a little. I just kind of accepted a bit that I was not going to be "that" woman. I am who I am and fighting it never worked so whatever. I try to focus on being kind to people and volunteering. I used to hope that doing that would get me the people and the life I was supposed to have, now I just do it because I know it helps and I can feel proud of that. Mind you, I still spend far more time feeling like an invisible failure, but it's only 60% of the time instead of 80%.
:

Ha!! That's weird, because it's gotten worse for me as I've gotten older. I'm 45. I think I had more confidence in my teens and twenties because I was still naïve about the world and how it worked. As I've gotten older, my confidence has taken a nose dive. It's gotten exponentially worse in the past couple of years

Thanks for the encouragement.

PrincessTinyheart

BZAH10 wrote: »

Self-confidence can be learned. Just from reading your post and looking at your profile pics, I can see that you are very pretty, have a sense of humor, and can write intelligently and with proper grammar.

As far as the bold above, of course you have good points worth emphasizing! And, no, they aren't negated by our "bad" traits and habits. They are all separate: some things about us are good, some things aren't so good, but we can work on it.

I tend to be negative and over think things, too, so I get what you're saying. Have you talked to your therapist specifically that you'd like to focus on your relationship with yourself instead of with others right now? I'd voice my concerns and see how they react. Perhaps find a new therapist, if need be.

Thanks for the kind words. I like my therapist, but sometimes wonder if she is the right one for my particular situation. I also have trouble putting words to my thoughts verbally, but find it much easier to write them out, so maybe writing something before seeing her would help me.

PrincessTinyheart

MichelleSilverleaf wrote: »

Was in the same boat as you for quite awhile. It comes down to learning to love yourself as is, and yes that can be hard when you're pretty convinced there's nothing to love. A lot of people struggle with it. A lot of us also worry WAY too much on what others think of us, sometimes to the point of it being crippling. If there is something you like about yourself, own it. If there are things you do that you enjoy, own it. Baby steps. Confidence is not built in a day, but it does build over time.

Thank you for the insight. You have given me a lot to think about.

amusedmonkey

I've always been okay with the way I looked, so what I'm about to say may not be helpful because it's more of a feeling that is hard to explain well with words.

Not everyone who likes the way they look spends their days admiring their best features. I can safely say that I have more conventionally "bad" features than "good" features, I just... don't care. Have you ever had an ugly puppy that you absolutely loved? You just don't care what it looks like, the way it makes you feel makes it cute although you are aware of all the shortcomings. When you love someone who isn't conventionally beautiful, the way they make you feel makes them feel beautiful and their most imperfect features feel charming.

This is my body. It's mine, and mine alone. No one has one exactly like it and that makes me awesome. I have loose skin, so what? It's MY loose skin. It's even kind of cute because it feels so soft. I have abnormally large calves which are a pain in *kitten* when shopping for jeans, but so what? They are MY calves and I love them for it, and the list goes on. It's hard to explain. I guess you could call it the power of "meh" or the power of "so what". It is what it is, so might as well enjoy it and love it for what it is. Do you know people who you just like, regardless of the way they look? The way they look makes them distinctly them to where even their flaws are not exactly something negative, just part of who they are, and they are awesome. That's how I feel about myself. I do have an over-analytical inner voice, but it takes me on trips that are more weird and amusing than deprecating.

88olds

Following up on cmriverside, speaking for myself, too much time in my own head is not a good thing. What do you thinks makes one a better person? Do that. And it's a thing to do, not an idea or feeling.

This my third time trying to respond. My prior attempts seemed snarky in the end. What would you do differently if you had the self confidence you think you lack? Do it anyway. You don't need confidence. You can compensate with courage. Take action, your head will follow.

timtam163

I had to reach rock bottom before I realized how destructive low self esteem is. But low self esteem is an illusion. It's not possible for you to be objectively unworthy of love and belonging. I'm sure you've heard all the rest of it, but please don't let this attitude destroy your amazing potential.

dutchandkiwi

I am a highly analytical person (science background). One of the tricks I use when I am at a low is logging the three good things daily. Every day I log what was good about the day that day or me what I achieved. Never fails to give me a boost. At my personal rock bottom it said: sun came up, got out of bed, put on clean clothes as the only positives I could think of. But it was a starting point in making me see that I in fact had achieved something.

distinctlybeautiful

A counselor once called me hyper-introspective. I know all about overthinking things. I know how much it hurts to dislike yourself and have low self esteem. I've since learned that I came out of my family of origin with some seriously flawed thought patterns. My first serious adult relationship was based on those patterns. Flawed thoughts translated into behaviors that served to reinforce my low feelings of self-worth. I guess what I'm getting at is that, for me, outside circumstances and situations and encounters heavily influenced the way I saw myself, but once I gained awareness and learned new ways of interpreting and moving through the world, I gained confidence I'd never had before. I wonder if there's anything you've experienced that has contributed to your feeling this way.

When it comes to recognizing your awesomeness, I have a couple thoughts. I don't think we're supposed to just know what our good qualities are. I think we can gain a lot of insight based on the feedback we get from others, directly and indirectly. Maybe you can start by asking your husband to name a few things. I wouldn't put him on the spot, but maybe let him know you'd like to know what he sees as your best qualities and/or what he sees other people appreciating about you and in what instances he sees that. You also have to keep your eyes open for feedback.

And really, what's the worse that would happen if you walk around thinking, for example, that you have amazing hair or an amazing sense of humor, but other people disagree!? You feel good about yourself? You make yourself laugh? Other people think your jokes are corny or that your hair could be better? Honestly, we have a pretty huge say in shaping our own realities. That's why everyone's is different. If you're happy and you're not hurting anyone else, it's ok if others disagree.

A different counselor once told me something I, of course, already knew, but it struck me as genius when she pointed it out: you can never know what anyone is thinking. Never. So there's no point spending time fretting about it. In fact, life is much easier if you assume people are thinking awesome things about you instead of terrible things about you, and it's just as likely to be right.

I hope you can find a way. Life gets better when you can let go a little.