Cravings and feeling like in a deficit on maintenance

Things are getting weird here. I need some support, I think.
For a start, I am a PhD student trying to finish (and apply for PostDocs), I have a small side job (for the fun, not the money, but it is currently getting stressful and more than I signed up for) and live in a long distance relationship.
I lost weight last year without actually focusing on it, but when I realized I do not want to gain it back I put myself on maintenance calories (actually started with a slight surplus, but back to maintenance now) with the goal of losing body fat % and keeping/building muscle with strength training (3x a week).

Then I started to realize how little that is. I somewhat feel I am eating not more than I was last year when I lost about 20-25lbs during 9 months. I feel like in a deficit.
I introduced some healthier choices and now am a big fan of whole wheat pasta. But how many calories are that?! Wow. I haven't had ice cream but one time so far this summer. I usually skip dessert when offered, I even replace some breakfasts with protein shakes and maybe one fruit so I can eat more for lunch and dinner. And I like healthy food. I love salads and avocado, broccoli and generally most vegetables. I enjoy many fruit, right now I am totally on a peach hype for example.
It's not that I drastically changed what I eat. I just feel it is less and I am depriving myself of treats.
I have to plan like a maniac to be able to go out for lunch with friends and not have to starve for dinner.
It stresses me out to have fresh food available, as I have a very small fridge, a freezer, but no microwave and no car. No use buying a microwave, as I am planning to move out in some months. I used to go shopping once a week, but somehow this does not cut it anymore. But shopping once more after a work day together with going to the gym is eating away my time. I would rather increase gym time though because I feel this is what keeps me mentally healthy.

I tried telling myself all is well. But now I just feel incredibly stressed and like I don't want to think about the consequences anymore and just stay home, cry and eat ice cream. Which I can't, luckily, as there is so much to do at work and no ice cream in the freezer. My brain is totally buzzing and I feel deprived. Deprived of food and real relaxation where nothing bothers me. Despite I try my best to stay true to my goals, my body fat % does not budge at all, and my weight did go slightly up. So I should probably eat even less calories. I honestly cannot do it. I keep under my limit most days, I weight my food and try to log what I eat out as best as I can and I am averaging around 1300 calories usually (while my maintenance would actually be 1500 on sedentary).
Is this how it is supposed to be? It feels terribly little and I totally understand how my body and mind feels deprived. But I also see no result at all, so I don't want to make it worse by going up with calories. Fitting in a treat means I have to be hungry for half of the day. I am lost and suddenly close to giving up.
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Replies

  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    what are your stats to maintain on 1500 cals?
  • RedSierra
    RedSierra Posts: 253 Member
    It sounds like you're under a lot of stress from the PhD work. The part-time job also adds stress and the long distance in your relationship may be adding stress, too. Your food problem with few treats is only adding more stress.

    If you don't need the money from the part-time job, why not resign and eliminate that stress?

    With the time saved from the part-time job, why not do an activity that's fun and reduces stress?

    What about buying a small portable freezer you could take with you when you move, or sell? Then you could cook in batches and freeze meals you would enjoy more.

  • skymningen
    skymningen Posts: 532 Member
    sijomial wrote: »
    Treat it as a mathematical experiment if that makes it easier!
    That's a great idea, because doing an experiment is so me. Thank you!
    what are your stats to maintain on 1500 cals?
    Hard to say, as I calculate in kg and meters. It is 51 kg, 160 cm (5'3-4" and around 103 lbs?)
    RedSierra wrote: »
    Your food problem with few treats is only adding more stress.

    If you don't need the money from the part-time job, why not resign and eliminate that stress?
    I know that I am stressing myself too much and that much of this is in my head.
    I helped build up this startup to some extend and right now they are in no position to lose me. I started working there as part of my PhD, but got more into it because I like the people and it used to be easy enough. Now I am preparing my way out, but it is a long way to go. I don't want them to crash land for my sake.
    Stress itself changes the way that your body utilizes calories....possibly you can make room for yourself to feel less stressed and confined. If you are people- pleasing right now, that is the first thing that needs to go.
    \
    Theoretically, I know that and I believed I was acting accordingly. But the problem is, happy, pleased people are what makes the whole stress worthwhile for me. I am ina catch. I need to work more, but I know I can't handle it. I try to keep up with my weight and health goals because I am doing that for me and it is important to me. But some part of me just wants to be able to comfort eat to make life easier. On the other hand my progress has already been slow so far, I don't want to undo everything I reached through one weekend of binge eating.

    Thank you all for your comments. I just had lunch so I am for now not starving and I also got some nice food for though.
  • Moter98
    Moter98 Posts: 51 Member
    edited August 2017
    At
  • skymningen
    skymningen Posts: 532 Member
    With 51 kg for 1.60 you are underweight, so it's no wonder you're hungry. :-)
    PHd work is incredibly stressful. There have been reports that over 40% suffer from depression (google it). You are in a highly competitive field where a few years of incredible hard work will determine your future or perhaps failure. That is very stressful indeed, even if you don't recognise it as such.
    So my advice would be to give yourself a break. Not just from the part time job, but also from dieting too strictly (since your maintanance is actually a diet: you are underweight).
    You need the mental headspace to finish up your PHd properly and succesfully. THAT is what will determine your future life and succes, not a few kg more or less.

    What gives you the impression that I am underweight? My BMI is calculated around 19-20 (depending on the tool you use), which is perfectly normal. The lowest normal weight for my size would be 49 kg, some say even 47 kg (but I don't want to get there). My body fat % is 25, so I am also not low on "energy storage".

    I am 100% in control of academics. My supervisor is there when I need him, but otherwise very hands off, so it is all my decision what I do and how. I am not fixed on getting tenure yet. There are years as postdoc to come to show if I can and want to do that. I have been working in industry before, I know that I am not going to die if I have to/decide to go back. I actually have offers from industry for jobs after my PhD, but as I want to move to my Significant Other I am not planning on taking them up. I am actually trying to not base my future happiness (life and success) on my PhD. Yes, I love academia, but there is much more to life. My stress from the PhD is not about the pressure of insecurity it's about the ratio of work/time currently.

    It sounds a little that you are trying to imply I am depressed and underweight. I have been depressed before, currently, I am in a completely different state. A stressful one, yes, but an exciting one too. I love working out or spending time with my friends. In a depressed state, I would most likely avoid all that. I am also very aware of the risk of getting underweight by trying to reduce body fat. This is why I am tracking what I do eat and weight. The problem is, I am trying to avoid the guilt of binging on treats because I would run the risk of trying to "starve it off", losing only muscle and no fat which I definitely don't want.

    I must have eaten less while I was actually losing weight. I felt better than I do now. I am trying to figure out, why and how to avoid being caught in any kind of downward or upward spiral. My goal is recomposition, first more on the side of getting body fat% down at least a bit and then increasing the muscle growth.

  • jeanstudies
    jeanstudies Posts: 81 Member
    "I helped build up this startup to some extend and right now they are in no position to lose me. I started working there as part of my PhD, but got more into it because I like the people and it used to be easy enough. Now I am preparing my way out, but it is a long way to go. I don't want them to crash land for my sake."

    It sounds like you are really really valuable to this startup, and I completely admire your desire to not let them down. However they need to be looking out for you too. It may be you need to let the leadership know how much more difficult this is making your life, and see if there is some way they can ease the stress on you. Just a suggestion....
  • skymningen
    skymningen Posts: 532 Member

    I plugged in your stats, and yes you're BMI is around 19, which is technically normal- but on the verge of underweight. Don't be so defensive- people are answering trying to offer advice. Eat more and don't stress about food, focus on strength training and fitness for stress release. But eat more, you'll feel better :)

    My BMI is nearly 20. Where I live, no-one would ever see that as underweight, it is more like average lean. Under 18.5 would be considered underweight and I am far from that. I admit I felt slightly offended by that, especially together with suggesting the PhD is what I need for a happy life (which I see as a very unhealthy view on success). I would rather be healthy and fit and not end up with tenure than the other way round.
  • ritzvin
    ritzvin Posts: 2,860 Member
    skymningen wrote: »
    Things are getting weird here. I need some support, I think.
    For a start, I am a PhD student trying to finish (and apply for PostDocs), I have a small side job (for the fun, not the money, but it is currently getting stressful and more than I signed up for) and live in a long distance relationship.
    I lost weight last year without actually focusing on it, but when I realized I do not want to gain it back I put myself on maintenance calories (actually started with a slight surplus, but back to maintenance now) with the goal of losing body fat % and keeping/building muscle with strength training (3x a week).

    Then I started to realize how little that is. I somewhat feel I am eating not more than I was last year when I lost about 20-25lbs during 9 months. I feel like in a deficit.
    I introduced some healthier choices and now am a big fan of whole wheat pasta. But how many calories are that?! Wow. I haven't had ice cream but one time so far this summer. I usually skip dessert when offered, I even replace some breakfasts with protein shakes and maybe one fruit so I can eat more for lunch and dinner. And I like healthy food. I love salads and avocado, broccoli and generally most vegetables. I enjoy many fruit, right now I am totally on a peach hype for example.
    It's not that I drastically changed what I eat. I just feel it is less and I am depriving myself of treats.
    I have to plan like a maniac to be able to go out for lunch with friends and not have to starve for dinner.
    It stresses me out to have fresh food available, as I have a very small fridge, a freezer, but no microwave and no car. No use buying a microwave, as I am planning to move out in some months. I used to go shopping once a week, but somehow this does not cut it anymore. But shopping once more after a work day together with going to the gym is eating away my time. I would rather increase gym time though because I feel this is what keeps me mentally healthy.

    I tried telling myself all is well. But now I just feel incredibly stressed and like I don't want to think about the consequences anymore and just stay home, cry and eat ice cream. Which I can't, luckily, as there is so much to do at work and no ice cream in the freezer. My brain is totally buzzing and I feel deprived. Deprived of food and real relaxation where nothing bothers me. Despite I try my best to stay true to my goals, my body fat % does not budge at all, and my weight did go slightly up. So I should probably eat even less calories. I honestly cannot do it. I keep under my limit most days, I weight my food and try to log what I eat out as best as I can and I am averaging around 1300 calories usually (while my maintenance would actually be 1500 on sedentary).
    Is this how it is supposed to be? It feels terribly little and I totally understand how my body and mind feels deprived. But I also see no result at all, so I don't want to make it worse by going up with calories. Fitting in a treat means I have to be hungry for half of the day. I am lost and suddenly close to giving up.

    As long as you are fine with a smaller one, a microwave is only $35-45. It's worth it for several months.
  • ritzvin
    ritzvin Posts: 2,860 Member
    Also- there's a reason that so many PhD students are on anti-depressants/anxiety meds. If stress & despair are getting the better of you, see a Dr.
  • Goober1142
    Goober1142 Posts: 219 Member
    Add a couple of bloody Mary's, life is long, what do you think you need? If you're too hungry add some fat. Like popcorn with butter. Don't think about it today Scarlet, just keep swimming...
  • collectingblues
    collectingblues Posts: 2,541 Member
    skymningen wrote: »

    I plugged in your stats, and yes you're BMI is around 19, which is technically normal- but on the verge of underweight. Don't be so defensive- people are answering trying to offer advice. Eat more and don't stress about food, focus on strength training and fitness for stress release. But eat more, you'll feel better :)

    My BMI is nearly 20. Where I live, no-one would ever see that as underweight, it is more like average lean. Under 18.5 would be considered underweight and I am far from that. I admit I felt slightly offended by that, especially together with suggesting the PhD is what I need for a happy life (which I see as a very unhealthy view on success). I would rather be healthy and fit and not end up with tenure than the other way round.

    I think people were going off of your weight/height guess in pounds and inches. *That* figure was underweight. Your actual height and weight in metric is perfectly normal.
  • NelwynnValala
    NelwynnValala Posts: 29 Member
    Just trying to help Daisy. Sorry you're taking it the wrong way. I'll leave this thread now, again I wish you all the happiness possible. -)
  • Rusty740
    Rusty740 Posts: 749 Member
    Let's get back to the interesting stuff, I loved the idea of an experiment :)

    Oh, and you need a break! I think you should bulk.

    See how much muscle you can put on. Get on a surplus and eat some cake :) I'd slowly add 100 calories per week (more if you want) until you are gaining 0.25-0.5 lbs per week. Do this until you hit 113.

    I think you'll be pleasantly surprised that #1, the world didn't end, and #2, you'll look and feel much better than you did at 113 the last time you were there. Promise.

    Continue to weight lift, reduce cardio if you want to, eat a moderate surplus. Recipe for awesomeness :) It's going to take a bit of faith in the process, but I think this is right for you.
  • gothchiq
    gothchiq Posts: 4,590 Member
    Yeah, I can relate. I'm five three and 120 is where I maintain, looking reasonably slender... and since I am 48 years old and hypothyroid, I only get 1400 cals a day on maintenance, maybe 200 more on workout days. It's a hard lifestyle, but I'm prediabetic so I can't just say screw it and gain weight so that I could eat more.
  • mmapags
    mmapags Posts: 8,934 Member
    CJ_Holmes wrote: »
    I took a peek at your diary, and you look pretty low in fat and protein. You might want to try adjusting those levels. Some people feel much more satisfied and balanced with higher fat or protein.

    This was my thought also. Protein and fat are more satisfying for many people. I also agree that you should try and up calories a little. I think a combination of these 2 things along with your weight training may help you feel good.

    I don't agree that, at 25% BF, a bulk is a good idea. Weight training at maintenance should organically increase muscle mass and drop some fat without doing anything else. Also, are you eating back exercise cals?
  • GottaBurnEmAll
    GottaBurnEmAll Posts: 7,722 Member
    mmapags wrote: »
    CJ_Holmes wrote: »
    I took a peek at your diary, and you look pretty low in fat and protein. You might want to try adjusting those levels. Some people feel much more satisfied and balanced with higher fat or protein.

    This was my thought also. Protein and fat are more satisfying for many people. I also agree that you should try and up calories a little. I think a combination of these 2 things along with your weight training may help you feel good.

    I don't agree that, at 25% BF, a bulk is a good idea. Weight training at maintenance should organically increase muscle mass and drop some fat without doing anything else. Also, are you eating back exercise cals?

    I also agree with this. I am very much a carb person who loves starch, but unless I get around 40 grams of fat a day (that's still not much) and 90-100 grams of protein), my appetite goes CRAZY. My protein and fat are requirements for me. I fill in the rest with carbs.

    Try structuring your food that way and see if it helps your hunger.
  • skymningen
    skymningen Posts: 532 Member
    mmapags wrote: »
    CJ_Holmes wrote: »
    I took a peek at your diary, and you look pretty low in fat and protein. You might want to try adjusting those levels. Some people feel much more satisfied and balanced with higher fat or protein.

    This was my thought also. Protein and fat are more satisfying for many people. I also agree that you should try and up calories a little. I think a combination of these 2 things along with your weight training may help you feel good.

    I don't agree that, at 25% BF, a bulk is a good idea. Weight training at maintenance should organically increase muscle mass and drop some fat without doing anything else. Also, are you eating back exercise cals?

    I am usually trying to eat back my exercise cals. Don't take the last days of my diary as an example of what I eat, I was fighting a migraine for three days and it intervenes a lot with how often and how much I can eat (to be able to keep it down).
    I put my calorie goals to a light gain now, because I realized it tricks my brain to eat maintenance, as I will subconsciously try to "keep in the green". I try and eat more protein, but it seems fairly hard for me. I already added shakes, protein yogurt, more lean meat and such to my diet. I was at a point where I got really constipated, though, so I took it down a little, which seems to help with that issue. Are you sure my fat is low? Because I really feel like I crave more carbohydrates, so with high protein I set fat lower, so I can eat enough carbs to feel satisfied.
  • GottaBurnEmAll
    GottaBurnEmAll Posts: 7,722 Member
    skymningen wrote: »
    mmapags wrote: »
    CJ_Holmes wrote: »
    I took a peek at your diary, and you look pretty low in fat and protein. You might want to try adjusting those levels. Some people feel much more satisfied and balanced with higher fat or protein.

    This was my thought also. Protein and fat are more satisfying for many people. I also agree that you should try and up calories a little. I think a combination of these 2 things along with your weight training may help you feel good.

    I don't agree that, at 25% BF, a bulk is a good idea. Weight training at maintenance should organically increase muscle mass and drop some fat without doing anything else. Also, are you eating back exercise cals?

    I am usually trying to eat back my exercise cals. Don't take the last days of my diary as an example of what I eat, I was fighting a migraine for three days and it intervenes a lot with how often and how much I can eat (to be able to keep it down).
    I put my calorie goals to a light gain now, because I realized it tricks my brain to eat maintenance, as I will subconsciously try to "keep in the green". I try and eat more protein, but it seems fairly hard for me. I already added shakes, protein yogurt, more lean meat and such to my diet. I was at a point where I got really constipated, though, so I took it down a little, which seems to help with that issue. Are you sure my fat is low? Because I really feel like I crave more carbohydrates, so with high protein I set fat lower, so I can eat enough carbs to feel satisfied.

    If you're feeling hungry eating more carbs, though, something's still not right.

    It doesn't necessarily need to be a lot more fat. A teaspoon here or there. Try splitting the difference between the carbs and fat and see if that helps.
  • noirelb
    noirelb Posts: 216 Member
    skymningen wrote: »
    With 51 kg for 1.60 you are underweight, so it's no wonder you're hungry. :-)
    PHd work is incredibly stressful. There have been reports that over 40% suffer from depression (google it). You are in a highly competitive field where a few years of incredible hard work will determine your future or perhaps failure. That is very stressful indeed, even if you don't recognise it as such.
    So my advice would be to give yourself a break. Not just from the part time job, but also from dieting too strictly (since your maintanance is actually a diet: you are underweight).
    You need the mental headspace to finish up your PHd properly and succesfully. THAT is what will determine your future life and succes, not a few kg more or less.

    What gives you the impression that I am underweight? My BMI is calculated around 19-20 (depending on the tool you use), which is perfectly normal. The lowest normal weight for my size would be 49 kg, some say even 47 kg (but I don't want to get there). My body fat % is 25, so I am also not low on "energy storage".

    I am 100% in control of academics. My supervisor is there when I need him, but otherwise very hands off, so it is all my decision what I do and how. I am not fixed on getting tenure yet. There are years as postdoc to come to show if I can and want to do that. I have been working in industry before, I know that I am not going to die if I have to/decide to go back. I actually have offers from industry for jobs after my PhD, but as I want to move to my Significant Other I am not planning on taking them up. I am actually trying to not base my future happiness (life and success) on my PhD. Yes, I love academia, but there is much more to life. My stress from the PhD is not about the pressure of insecurity it's about the ratio of work/time currently.

    It sounds a little that you are trying to imply I am depressed and underweight. I have been depressed before, currently, I am in a completely different state. A stressful one, yes, but an exciting one too. I love working out or spending time with my friends. In a depressed state, I would most likely avoid all that. I am also very aware of the risk of getting underweight by trying to reduce body fat. This is why I am tracking what I do eat and weight. The problem is, I am trying to avoid the guilt of binging on treats because I would run the risk of trying to "starve it off", losing only muscle and no fat which I definitely don't want.

    I must have eaten less while I was actually losing weight. I felt better than I do now. I am trying to figure out, why and how to avoid being caught in any kind of downward or upward spiral. My goal is recomposition, first more on the side of getting body fat% down at least a bit and then increasing the muscle growth.

    I plugged in your stats, and yes you're BMI is around 19, which is technically normal- but on the verge of underweight. Don't be so defensive- people are answering trying to offer advice. Eat more and don't stress about food, focus on strength training and fitness for stress release. But eat more, you'll feel better :)

    People who are saying your BMI is underweight may have a point depending on a few things. 18.5 and under is underweight and BMI charts aren't accurate at the low and high points for people who do strength training since muscle is much heavier. I noticed you wrote that your body fat is 25%, is it possible to know where you got those stats (scale, or other way?). Otherwise, you could potentially have put on some muscle and are actually underweight in the fat percentage! Which means that you should up your food intake for sure and keep strength training to gain even more muscle :) . 1500 doesn't sound off at all based on your stats but that would be for a sedentary older women. I hope you are eating your exercise calories as well!
  • HDBKLM
    HDBKLM Posts: 466 Member
    edited August 2017
    I agree with those who suggested you play around with the macros setting in MFP to see if there is another balance of protein/fat/carb that keeps you sated. You'd mentioned you 'like' healthy food, which is great, but we sometimes have a limited notion of what 'healthy' entails. You may have more wiggle room to play with the macros than you think, which might be particularly relevant given your goal of increasing your current muscle mass.

    I also agree with those who said your calorie intake seemed a bit on the low side for maintenance. The 1300 you said you're actually consuming is close to my own suggested calorie intake for weight loss, and we're the same height. I'm glad to see that you've 'gamed your brain' and set your calories a bit higher knowing you'd subconsciously try to keep your numbers within the 'green zone'.

    All that said, since your goal is maintenance, and since you said you're up for a bit of experimentation, maybe you could also spend a couple of weeks trying to eat intuitively (what this article calls 'mindful eating': https://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/08/opinion/sunday/why-you-cant-lose-weight-on-a-diet.html). Some people simply must plan. I'm one of them, and my track record of decades of fatness is evidence of that. You may not have that problem, and—just spitballing here—it could even be that all the structure you're adding to your eating regime (strategising having a peach instead of a meal so you can save calories for later, etc.) is working counterintuitively in your case, and exacerbating that feeling of unsatiatedness and craving. The bottom line is it's better to find a balance where you're not craving than to learn how to learn strategies for fighting cravings (obvs). You could do intuitive/listening-to-your-body/un-preplanned eating for a little while but also track, just to see where your intuitive calorie total leads and analyse accordingly.