Logging, working, and regaining a sense of control

timtam163

I've had success on and off on MFP but I stalled out recently, which has made me feel like OH GREAT yet another ceiling I've hit...

Some background: I'm an overachiever, I've been in science my whole life. Well the last 5 years of my PhD in biology/stats have been some of the worst in my life. On the one hand I've met amazing people; on the other there's not a day I didn't want to quit.

I'm feeling really directionless in life, and in a sense I'm using food logging as a way of feeling some sense of control. I've done no work today, and I've been gorging myself (but at least it's on veggies so I'm well under my calorie goal). It's just depressing that I should spend my time eating and logging instead of focusing on how all my career/life goals feel futile, and I feel like when I'm not losing weight I don't even have *that* going for me.

I tend to gain weight when I'm more focused on work; I tend to lose weight when I'm less focused. So in a way it's like I can't find balance ever, and my life is and endless gain-loss cycle and a concurrently fluctuating productivity cycle.

I just feel like crap today, and I know I use logging as a distraction sometimes and I'm just really bummed that I'm squandering my potential.

I don't feel like I deserve a good body anymore, and I don't feel like I deserve this PhD.

Uhm... I guess... can anyone relate? Any words of wisdom from the wiser MFP community?

88olds

I can relate to this- it wasn't that I decided I loved my fat self, it was that I decided, fat or not, I deserved to decide for myself, to the degree possible, how I was going to live. In short, I was a worthy cause.

You think you're a PhD faker? I think there's a name for that. Maybe you can fake yourself thin too.

This sort of reminds me of closing in on goal weight. If I'm not a person consumed with WL, who am I? Who will I be when I make it?

Go back to work.

timtam163

88olds wrote: »

I can relate to this- it wasn't that I decided I loved my fat self, it was that I decided, fat or not, I deserved to decide for myself, to the degree possible, how I was going to live. In short, I was a worthy cause.

You think you're a PhD faker? I think there's a name for that. Maybe you can fake yourself thin too.

This sort of reminds me of closing in on goal weight. If I'm not a person consumed with WL, who am I? Who will I be when I make it?

Go back to work.

Thank you.