What's the point?

Jonathanak6

I have beaten depression, haven't smoked a cigarette in 20 days from smoking a pack a day for 3 years straight, I have lost 19 pounds, college starts up again tomorrow, I have applied to several jobs for part time, I go to the gym everyday, but I just can't figure out what the point of all this change is even for.... I have lost all my friends from high school, I moved to a new city about a year ago and in that year of being anti social and depressed I gained a huge amount of insecurities and social anxiety, I know for a fact I will never approach someone and start a conversation so what's the point in trying to be the best me when I can't even have a friend or someone to share this journey with, my fitness pal friends are great and all but they just don't compare to having a physical person to be around and talk to and laugh with. I have never been in a relationship in my entire life, never will because I am too shy, like I said I know I can't make friends because I will never be able to approach a stranger and talk to them.

Jonathanak6

I see so many people here hurt over a relationship ending and I haven't even had one to begin with, seems kind of annoying they can't appreciate the fact they were in one...

estherdragonbat

Hang in there. There was a time when I had closer friends online than I did IRL. It's a mix now (and I've met a couple of my online friends). Do you have any hobbies? Interests? Maybe check if there's a meetup group in your area. Chances are, it'll be okay to listen and not talk the first few times, until you build up your confidence. Most of my RL friends are people I've met at synagogue. I'm introverted myself and have some low-level anxiety issues. It sounds like yours are a bit more severe. Have you considered getting some sort of counselling to learn coping skills?

Unknown

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_NicLovin_

"The point" is different for everyone.

Sometimes you have to start by pulling a Michael Scott (yay for any Office fans out there) and say, "Do I want my life to be better, worse, or stay the same?" "The point" lies within how you answer the question.

Fuzzipeg

Leaving your home town is a big step. You seem to be doing many of the right things at the start of this academic year. You are taking a pride in yourself, I get his from your having lost 19 lb, that's no mean feat in itself. You have not been smoking for 20 days, this is a massive change to, I hope you can keep up the good work. You are giving yourself the best opportunity to have the best of health. Even part time jobs can be elusive, keep on trying something will turn up. On a daily basis, if you are buying your groceries you can exchange a few words with the cashier, this is a basis to build on for the next time. Use the same shop and who knows.

No one ever knows where another friend comes from, you may find some on your course, try to be open, adopt a casual smile too, say hi, or whatever the phrase in your town, with a smile and things could well happen. Please try not to close yourself off. If you can, there are advisers at college why not look them up.

All the best, keep on working on your health/fitness and it will work out for you if you can be open to it.

vespiquenn

You say you've beaten depression, but it sure isn't sounding like it. It's one thing to be lonely, it's another to not see the point in anything.

With that being said, I think I can empathize with the lack of friends though. I suffer from incredibly low self-esteem, and as a result, I always feel awkward around other adults. The real kicker is that I'm a teacher, but an elementary art teacher. I have no problems relating to kids because they often find good in everything rather than create drama like many adults. One thing that has truly helped me is literally doing the thing that terrifies me the most - take the plunge. Strike up random conversations with strangers, get out and volunteer, see if there are any meet up groups (meetup.com) in your area with your interests, invite classmates out for a drink or lunch, etc. there's a lot you can do, but the first step is taking the initiative to talk to others. I know it's easier said than done, but the worst that will happen is that they will say no and you can just move on.

But lastly, I would get a hold of your doctor to discuss what you are feeling. I will admit that despite dealing with bipolar and anxiety since my early teenage years, this summer is the first summer I have ever felt confident enough to be open towards others (and I'm 27 so many lonely years). You'd be surprised. Even this summer when I moved, when I thought I didn't have friends, I was floored by the people that offered to help move or even a coworker that stopped by to bring a welcome to the neighborhood gift. Sometimes you need extra help at no fault of your own. My saving grace was finally pursuing my adult ADHD and becoming medicated for it. I hate being medicated, and yet, I have found this to be the best thing I have ever done. Don't be afraid to ask for help where you need it, even if it's a doctor.

Good luck.

88olds

The future, by its nature, is unknown.

vonmarks

I haven't figured out the point to all my change either. I had a decent life for a while and then fell into a bad rut partly because of my "shyness". I'm not sure what types of people you run into but it sounds like you have more opportunities than you think. I couldn't go to a gym because of the way I perceived people looking at me, I dropped out of college because there were too many people around. I had to go to grocery store at odd hours just to avoid people. I eventually started drinking heavy and blocking out all of the people by being in a fog most of the time. At 37, 40 now, I quit drinking, smoking, eating poorly, and started working out, going to public places all the time, being more open to clients at my job and guess what - nothing changed. I made several changes to myself and not one of them has helped me obtain any friends, online or in real life. In fact, in over 4 years on several dating sites I haven't even got one date and that counts all the ones just looking to hookup, and I consider myself very attractive especially after going from 195 to 155. Everyone will tell you only you can change your life but what I learned is you can't make people like you. You can't make them say yes. If you want to try a therapist go for it. Mine made my life worse so there is that. Maybe you'll have better results. Are you a "nice guy"? Regardless of what anyone will tell you being "nice" does not work. I hate it. I can't help but be the good guy but it has been disastrous for me. When ever I was the "bad guy" I got the results I wanted. Find the balance in that, like if a little old lady needs help up the stairs go for it but if she needs help with her rent, draw the line. But again I hate it so I continue to be the good guy and continue to do the right things for my body even if it means I have to be alone. It is very depressing at times. To a point of some serious dangerous thoughts. You have a long way to go and plenty of opportunity to get past your shyness and anxiety. It took me way too long to get past mine. I had no help. You at least have people responding to you on here in a positive way, I couldn't get that and didn't get that when I was looking for it. When I posted things I immediately got attacked with things like- playing the victim, too bitter, etc. How bad is your anxiety? I can go in public now because when I look in the mirror I see perfection and if everyone else can't see it then *kitten* 'em, their loss. When I stop caring about the world is the only time I feel good, maybe that will work for you. You have the opportunity to try out several different methods without changing who you are. Before I walk out the door each day I remind myself that this is my world too. The point of all the change is for you, if you don't want to change then don't. I have had zero success with the changes I made as it relates to meeting people. I want to drink so bad, I want to smoke again, I want to eat whatever I want, I don't want to do the hour bike and 45min of Insanity everyday. When I did those things I did have "friends" and relationships. None of those people came with me when I decided to change my life so I know they weren't right for me. When I remember what it was like waking up drunk, breathing heavy after a flight of stairs, looking in the mirror at my fat bulbous gut I would rather be healthy and miserable and alone than unhealthy and miserable and alone. It's easy for everyone to say "just do something". They don't know what's it like though because they are happy. The most un-motivational thing I see is somebody happy telling somebody sad to just get over it and be happy. You have to find what's stopping you from achieving joy. For me it was other people. Other people steal my joy everyday. I find a way to not allow them to do that and when I sit alone at night I try to figure out how I'm going to do it the next day. Would I rather have someone with me? Absolutely. Have I had somebody to help me? Absolutely not. Will I keep trying? So far.

ck2d

Might be overstepping my bounds here. I'm sorry if I am.
"The point" is that you've figured out how to make goals and reach them.
No, nothing is going to just fall into place in anyone's life. But now you know what you do to make your life better. You know how to identify changes you want to make, how to set goals for those changes, how to make adjustments so you can reach your goals.
It might seem that socializing is totally different from anything you've already done, because you have to depend on other people instead of just pushing through by yourself. But that's not true - everything you've done for yourself you can adapt to the goal of meeting people.
One place I'd recommend starting - regular volunteering. People who volunteer are usually happier people on average, and friendlier, too. You'll see some regular people and get to know them. It's easy for things to move into friendships. Just pick a place where you're interested in spending your time. Then you'll have something in common with the other volunteers. You'll have a whole new group of friends in no time.

JeromeBarry1

@Jonathanak6 Your youthful perspective is a bit incomplete. I mean, giving up without a fight is just not respectable. Get out there and fight like hell.

PeakLiving17

JeromeBarry1 wrote: »

@Jonathanak6 Your youthful perspective is a bit incomplete. So what if you've lost touch with your high school friends? What were they to you other than equally dependent minors whose parents randomly chose to live in the same attendance zone? Go on to college and be about the business of building your credentials so that you can take a place in this world and support yourself. Despair is easy. We do all die in the end. Until then, we have the opportunity to spend each brief day enjoying whatever this blue speck of rock in the cosmos has for us.

I think I needed to hear this too. Wonderful wonderful words of advice.

solovino1

The day is young as are you. Take it from who did for decades: Do not waste time. The solution is very simple indeed. To have a friend, be one. Yes it is hard. There is no choice. One will die slow to fast without the company of others. You will be rejected. We all are. Get up and go again...and again. Swallow your fear, take your interest or develop one and meet others who share it. The opportunities are too easy to ignore and not hard to find.

DebLaBounty

Try Meetup.com. I used it when I felt lonely after moving to a new city, and was able to meet women for coffee and chatting, and another group for some relatively easy co-ed one hour hikes. Before that, I practiced just being friendly to the barista while ordering coffee ("Hi, how about this weather! How's your day going?"). Try saying "good morning" to a couple people when you're entering your class and sitting down. They're little things, but you'll start feeling a little more open, and others might think you're approachable. I guarantee that you're not the only person in college looking to meet acquaintances and create friendships. Once you get a job, you'll have co-workers to grab lunch with once in awhile. By the way, congratulations on quitting smoking (wow!) and losing weight.

ijsantos2005

There is no point. I wrestle with this dilemma everyday, but I'm a cynical *kitten*.

Kullerva

Y'all need some perspective. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PN5JJDh78I

SundropEclipse

Jonathanak6 wrote: »

I see so many people here hurt over a relationship ending and I haven't even had one to begin with, seems kind of annoying they can't appreciate the fact they were in one...

Trust me, being in a relationship isn't all it's cracked up to be. I love my hubby and it would take a lot to make me leave him, but I've sacrificed a lot of personal and professional growth for our relationship and it's creating a lot of conflict for us now that I've grown enough to want better of and for myself. You're in a position where you don't have to worry about others and so can focus entirely on yourself. Take advantage of it.

As for meeting people, I strongly recommend the app MeetUp. There are many groups that are focused on helping introverts get out and meet new people through different events and outings. One of the groups I'm in does biweekly hikes.

descene

At the end of the day, it's just you. People come, people leave. I relate a lot to your experiences. I don't have any friends, I only talk to my family. I lost all my high school friends when I went to college, and I haven't made any friends at college. I'm losing weight because I'm the most important person in my life, and I want to be able to enjoy a long life where I'm healthy and happy in my body. It's not for the people who made fun of me since elementary school or my ex-gf or my future gf, any of that. It's for me.

Graelwyn75

Your options are to give up or to keep fighting.
You never know what is around the corner and there is a lot more to lose in giving up.
I too struggle with depression on a daily basis, along with a multitude of other issues. I have sunk right down to the bottom and almost died as a result, but I am still here and I am still fighting because, in the end, there is nothing to be gained in giving up. Nothing. Only you can find your way out of this existential gloom and whether you choose to seek help or not, only you can put in the work to overcome your difficulties. I can guarantee that if you do persevere, you will come out a much wiser individual and will be in a position to help others who struggle similarly.

fiddletime

Many on here have posted about meetup so I hope you join that. If you're under 24 you might check out AmeriCorps. My son just finished the ten month program. He's s college grad but still wanted to do something "else". He made friends and he did say it helped him a lot with confidence and communication. He's always been shy. Very shy.