How do I stop letting everything get to me?
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susanayt97
Posts: 309 Member
I feel stupid even talking about it because it's literally nothing, but I feel like I should write it out.
I'm 20 and I have a sister who is one year older than me, and she's really underweight. She's not just skinny, you can basically count all of her bones. I'm not overweight, but I need to work on burning some fat.
What keeps happening is that my parents are always commenting on how beautiful she is (like every single day), and saying "Oh I met this guy that would be great for you" at least once a week. And they always assume I don't have anyone in my life (I've never had anyone serious enough to introduce to them), they literally think it's impossible for a guy to be interested in me.
This just hurts because all I hear is "you're fat and ugly", even if it's not what they're saying. They have to know it bothers me, I don't hide it, and they keep doing it. I know this is nothing and I should stop getting upset by this. It just happens so often, I always feel down.
I'm 20 and I have a sister who is one year older than me, and she's really underweight. She's not just skinny, you can basically count all of her bones. I'm not overweight, but I need to work on burning some fat.
What keeps happening is that my parents are always commenting on how beautiful she is (like every single day), and saying "Oh I met this guy that would be great for you" at least once a week. And they always assume I don't have anyone in my life (I've never had anyone serious enough to introduce to them), they literally think it's impossible for a guy to be interested in me.
This just hurts because all I hear is "you're fat and ugly", even if it's not what they're saying. They have to know it bothers me, I don't hide it, and they keep doing it. I know this is nothing and I should stop getting upset by this. It just happens so often, I always feel down.
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Replies
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Personally, I think the best approach would just be to talk to your parents about it when you're calm and can do so in a reasonable way. They may not even realize that you're feeling hurt by this. Keeping it bottled up certainly isn't going to help your relationship with them.5
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I am sorry that you feel down and just know it's not stupid to feel that way. Just a thought, if your sister is under weight do you think maybe they are worried about her mental state and give her a bit more attention for support. Maybe they feel you are strong and can take care of yourself. It's so hard to do, but when you feel like that acknowledge the thought and tell yourself that you are strong and beautiful.7
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What if you said to each family member who does this, "When you tell ______ how beautiful she is in front of me, which seems to happen every day, and never compliment me, it makes me feel really bad. When you mention to her that you met a guy that would be great for her, but never seem to say that to me, it makes me wonder if you think it would be impossible for a guy to like me. Even though I know you aren't saying this to me, it makes me feel fat and ugly when you compliment ___________ in front of me. I am feeling really upset about this. I wish you would not say these things in front of me because it makes me feel bad." Maybe if you tell them how you feel, they will realize they are making you feel bad.3
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@smc92079 @CaliMomTeach The thing is that I know that if I talked to them they wouldn't stop, they would just start saying it to me as well, out of pity. I have commented on it, and once in a while they would "throw me a bone". It's even worse for me
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Firstly, understand that your parents love you, what you got going on in your head is just a little self loathing, and their reality is different than what you feel is going on. If you haven't talked to them about how you perceive their interactions with you then how can they make the changes you feel they need to make? Be an adult and ask for the treatment you feel you deserve.
You are here, so you feel like you're ready to make positive changes in your life... better treatment starts with you...and ends with you. So, everyday look in the mirror and tell yourself you are going to be the person you admire then do those things that will make it happen. Walk with your head up, and always smile... make eye contact with strangers.
When negative thoughts start slipping in... remind yourself "happy thoughts" don't look for outside affirmation. Find it inside of yourself. Take up a martial art that emphasizes peace and serenity as part of its philosophy.3 -
@Joanna2012B My sister is incredibly confident, she would go out naked to show off her body if she could haha! So I know they're not saying it to help her, it's because they really believe it. But I do need to tell myself those things, thank you
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RavenLibra wrote: »Firstly, understand that your parents love you, what you got going on in your head is just a little self loathing, and their reality is different than what you feel is going on. If you haven't talked to them about how you perceive their interactions with you then how can they make the changes you feel they need to make? Be an adult and ask for the treatment you feel you deserve.
You are here, so you feel like you're ready to make positive changes in your life... better treatment starts with you...and ends with you. So, everyday look in the mirror and tell yourself you are going to be the person you admire then do those things that will make it happen. Walk with your head up, and always smile... make eye contact with strangers.
When negative thoughts start slipping in... remind yourself "happy thoughts" don't look for outside affirmation. Find it inside of yourself. Take up a martial art that emphasizes peace and serenity as part of its philosophy.
Love this advice so much!!
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@RavenLibra They know I struggle with my appearance and I guess I believe I deserve to not have to worry about how I look in my own home. I feel like they're always judging.
I've never said nice things to myself and I don't think I can. I think maybe I'm here because if I look a certain way, then the only negativity coming at me will be my own. I won't have to worry about them anymore because they'll get the skinny daughter they want I guess.
I do need to find something that will bring me confidence and peace, martial art sounds awesome 0 -
@susanayt97 At 20 years old, it is really hard to be able to separate yourself from the actions/words/opinions of your parents. For some (like me) it gets much easier the older you get. Try to hang in there. Without being in your home and seeing your family interactions it is hard to tell what your parents motivation is. But just keep reminding yourself that you are not fat nor ugly. Also, look for the ways in which they support you. They may be there and you're not seeing them because they are different from the ways that they seem to support and encourage your sister.
Family dynamics are never easy. Now that I'm a parent, I know that most parents are out there just doing the best that they can - there isn't a handbook. Some are better than others. If it is really bothering you to the point where you think it would be helpful to talk to someone about it then do that. There is certainly no shame in going to therapy to work these things out. Even if you can't change your parents, it may help you learn how to deal with it and feel better about yourself.1 -
@smc92079 I love my parents and I know I can count on them. I definitely don't expect parents to be perfect, it's impossible. You're right, I need to pay attention to the other ways they support me and let this go. I know they're not hurting me on purpose, even if in some way they do know they are doing it. Maybe they just don't know how much. At the end of the day, I'm the one putting words in their mouths, because it's what I say to myself.
I really think therapy is so important. Maybe one day I'll take that step 1 -
susanayt97 wrote: »@RavenLibra They know I struggle with my appearance and I guess I believe I deserve to not have to worry about how I look in my own home. I feel like they're always judging.
I've never said nice things to myself and I don't think I can. I think maybe I'm here because if I look a certain way, then the only negativity coming at me will be my own. I won't have to worry about them anymore because they'll get the skinny daughter they want I guess.
I do need to find something that will bring me confidence and peace, martial art sounds awesome
Stop right now and write three good things about yourself.
I know its not easy. And if you are anything like me you may feel that what you write is lame. I'm 56 and I still have problems with self affirmation. But a few challenges I have been in have thrown that out as a task and it makes me think positively about myself. I'll do it now
1. I couldn't sleep this morning so I got up and ran - I care about my body.
2. I care about my little bit of the world. I even bring my recycling home from work.
3. I'm blessed with smarts and I apply them.
To paraphrase a drill instructor: Drop and give me three!3 -
susanayt97 wrote: »@RavenLibra They know I struggle with my appearance and I guess I believe I deserve to not have to worry about how I look in my own home. I feel like they're always judging.
I've never said nice things to myself and I don't think I can. I think maybe I'm here because if I look a certain way, then the only negativity coming at me will be my own. I won't have to worry about them anymore because they'll get the skinny daughter they want I guess.
I do need to find something that will bring me confidence and peace, martial art sounds awesome
Stop right now and write three good things about yourself.
I know its not easy. And if you are anything like me you may feel that what you write is lame. I'm 56 and I still have problems with self affirmation. But a few challenges I have been in have thrown that out as a task and it makes me think positively about myself. I'll do it now
1. I couldn't sleep this morning so I got up and ran - I care about my body.
2. I care about my little bit of the world. I even bring my recycling home from work.
3. I'm blessed with smarts and I apply them.
To paraphrase a drill instructor: Drop and give me three!
Oh man, this is for sure a challenge, way harder than working out haha. I guess:
1. I care about others, I'm always careful and I always wonder how my actions will affect someone else.
2. I've been here for a while and I can't think of anything else, it always goes back to 1. I'll give it more thought for the rest of the day and see if I can get two more.
I love your list, you sound awesome!0 -
Don't bother talking to anyone. Turn your attention to fitness. Train with weights. Study and train hard. Try to avoid conversations about what you're doing. If pressed, speak in meaningless cliches and change the subject.
You have no control over what you get from others. But if you think you are @ a good weight but need to burn fat, train. You can be your own approval. It's all that counts.3 -
You could try looking at it this way: maybe they think she is incompetent and needy, and needs the praise (and the future second income of a man) more than you do. They may just view you as being more self-sufficient.1
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Don't bother talking to anyone. Turn your attention to fitness. Train with weights. Study and train hard. Try to avoid conversations about what you're doing. If pressed, speak in meaningless cliches and change the subject.
You have no control over what you get from others. But if you think you are @ a good weight but need to burn fat, train. You can be your own approval. It's all that counts.
Yes, I am focused on strenght training! When I asked, I just say I want to be healthy and not die in the next 50 years. Can't wait to start seeing some muscle on my arms 2 -
You could try looking at it this way: maybe they think she is incompetent and needy, and needs the praise (and the future second income of a man) more than you do. They may just view you as being more self-sufficient.
I definitely have achieved a lot more than she has and I work so hard. I'm a lot more independent. So yeah, they don't think I need any sort of approval. And honestly if they said those things to me it would make me sad, because I wouldn't believe it anyway and I'd rather be recognized for being smart and a good person.
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I have definitely changed my mind on this issue, thanks guys
(Still won't love the situation when it repeats itself but I definitely am looking at it differently)
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susanayt97 wrote: »susanayt97 wrote: »@RavenLibra They know I struggle with my appearance and I guess I believe I deserve to not have to worry about how I look in my own home. I feel like they're always judging.
I've never said nice things to myself and I don't think I can. I think maybe I'm here because if I look a certain way, then the only negativity coming at me will be my own. I won't have to worry about them anymore because they'll get the skinny daughter they want I guess.
I do need to find something that will bring me confidence and peace, martial art sounds awesome
Stop right now and write three good things about yourself.
I know its not easy. And if you are anything like me you may feel that what you write is lame. I'm 56 and I still have problems with self affirmation. But a few challenges I have been in have thrown that out as a task and it makes me think positively about myself. I'll do it now
1. I couldn't sleep this morning so I got up and ran - I care about my body.
2. I care about my little bit of the world. I even bring my recycling home from work.
3. I'm blessed with smarts and I apply them.
To paraphrase a drill instructor: Drop and give me three!
Oh man, this is for sure a challenge, way harder than working out haha. I guess:
1. I care about others, I'm always careful and I always wonder how my actions will affect someone else.
2. I've been here for a while and I can't think of anything else, it always goes back to 1. I'll give it more thought for the rest of the day and see if I can get two more.
I love your list, you sound awesome!
I love it! You can come up with more. 2 -
After burying one of my precious children four years ago, my heart breaks to hear your pain.
Parents make mistakes) ( Clearly).
We have three adult children, ( including my angel daughter) and they were all different. All needed us differently.
I do agree with many of the posts. Your parents may give additional attention to your sister, because she craves it. While you are determined, independent, smart, strong and focused. And don't go out of your way to demand their time-money-attention-sanity!
( I actually have two daughters who are so similar).
I do not agree with your parents labelling or name calling, but again, they may be ignorant to the fact they are doing it.
As a parent. We make mistakes. Often! You need to talk to them love.
Doing so in a comfortable and relaxed way, perhaps away from the house, over a coffee, might open up the lines of communication.
You are very determined and capable of running your own race and I have complete and utter faith you will achieve your health goals.
It will just take time.
All the best.0 -
theabsentmindednurse wrote: »After burying one of my precious children four years ago, my heart breaks to hear your pain.
Parents make mistakes) ( Clearly).
We have three adult children, ( including my angel daughter) and they were all different. All needed us differently.
I do agree with many of the posts. Your parents may give additional attention to your sister, because she craves it. While you are determined, independent, smart, strong and focused. And don't go out of your way to demand their time-money-attention-sanity!
( I actually have two daughters who are so similar).
I do not agree with your parents labelling or name calling, but again, they may be ignorant to the fact they are doing it.
As a parent. We make mistakes. Often! You need to talk to them love.
Doing so in a comfortable and relaxed way, perhaps away from the house, over a coffee, might open up the lines of communication.
You are very determined and capable of running your own race and I have complete and utter faith you will achieve your health goals.
It will just take time.
All the best.
Thank you so much for your words, they mean a lot. Hopefully I can talk to them and explain what I feel. I guess I can't blame them when I don't tell them that something is wrong.
Thanks again! 2
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