Need advice about hubby and my weight loss impacting our relationship...

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Replies

  • Alatariel75
    Alatariel75 Posts: 18,179 Member
    OP does say that she runs once he leaves for work, so I don't know that the running time is what's bothering him.
  • Gisel2015
    Gisel2015 Posts: 4,181 Member
    edited August 2017
    TeinyWinehausen wrote: »
    ironmelanie wrote: »
    Maybe he just misses you? 50 hour minimum work week plus 80 miles running is a lot. Just a guess. The only way to know is to have an honest conversation about it.

    The 50 +80 is a lot of untogether time.

    @TeinyWinehausen

    80 miles a month (please read the OP again) is about 2.67 miles per day; and probably done in about an hour a day since she is at work at 8:30AM and she starts running a 6AM after he leaves for work. So except for the 50 hours a week working at her job, I don't see that as a lot of time of not being together. Most of the people working in "corporate America" do work more than 40 hours a week these days. I know I did when I was in the workforce.

    I agree with the other suggestions that communication is the key. They need to sit down and talk about what is going on.
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    This content has been removed.
  • JeromeBarry1
    JeromeBarry1 Posts: 10,179 Member
    I'm getting the same thing. My wife is constantly threatening to scratch the eyes out of women I work with and of my mfp friends. She's mostly harmless. I think your husband is, too. Just keep being you, being open with him, and he'll adjust. His mind has to catch up with your bodily changes the same way your mind has to catch up with your bodily changes.
  • joemac1988
    joemac1988 Posts: 1,021 Member
    You don't need to answer this, but is he in shape himself? If not, that's probably affecting his self esteem and creating insecurity. My recommendation would be to get him running with you.
  • 4legsRbetterthan2
    4legsRbetterthan2 Posts: 19,590 MFP Moderator
    JeromeBarry1 wrote: »
    I'm getting the same thing. My wife is constantly threatening to scratch the eyes out of women I work with and of my mfp friends. She's mostly harmless. I think your husband is, too. Just keep being you, being open with him, and he'll adjust. His mind has to catch up with your bodily changes the same way your mind has to catch up with your bodily changes.

    While this may be the case I would still be a little worried. Not necessarily that she is going to scratch the eyes out of a MFP user, but often the things we say in jest are things we are really feeling but can't find a way to talk about. It may pay to be proactive about addressing these types of feelings with spouses, sometimes things that seem small just fester and grow.
  • Chef_Barbell
    Chef_Barbell Posts: 6,644 Member
    JeromeBarry1 wrote: »
    I'm getting the same thing. My wife is constantly threatening to scratch the eyes out of women I work with and of my mfp friends. She's mostly harmless. I think your husband is, too. Just keep being you, being open with him, and he'll adjust. His mind has to catch up with your bodily changes the same way your mind has to catch up with your bodily changes.

    My ex was like this... and he just got worse and more ridiculous until he was my ex husband. I don't have patience for unnecessary jealousy.
  • atingleyar
    atingleyar Posts: 1 Member
    I think its easy for someone who has lower self esteem to struggle when something changes like this. Think about it - what do those who are "looking" start to do? They lose weight, update their style, get new fancy panties (lol). He's feeling unsure and you are focused on a better you (maybe not him so much). I would do a few things here and there to validate the he's the only man in your life and give him a taste of what this new hot body can do with and for him. I'm sure with some strong validation (through action not words) as well as time, he will be just as comfortable with the new you as you are !!! Way to go and strong props for considering his feelings too!!
  • Spartan_Gingi
    Spartan_Gingi Posts: 194 Member
    Ironandwine69 wrote: »
    I am not trying to be mean , but if you can't sit him down and discuss this, it means your relationship is not that strong.
    Don't assume, accuse or put words in his mouth. Ask him.

    I'm not taking it mean :), and I appreciate the input from everyone. I have discussed it with him, and he apologized. The behavior got better for a week or so, then popped up again. We go on date nights a couple nights a week, spend oodles of time together on the weekend, and have a great connection at night. It's just seeming to linger in the back of his mind. His actions, and the way he interacts with me are altered for days on end, and then he's fine for a few days. Then it starts again, lol!
  • pitbull603
    pitbull603 Posts: 73 Member
    Ok...so jealously is a stupid emotion.
    I don't get jealous...
    From a guys perspective...sounds like he has a problem with himself and its not you...
    He's probably cheating on you...not in the way youwould d think...
    He could be emotionally cheating on you.
    And hes distancing himself from you
    ...
    I you are "in love' there is nothing you wouldn't do for that person...and hes sounds selfish so...
    Please don't stop being the best you possible...
    This is his problem not yours...
  • sosteach
    sosteach Posts: 260 Member
    Good grief...talk to him. Make a regular date night. See a counselor. Whatever it takes.
  • cqbkaju
    cqbkaju Posts: 1,011 Member
    edited August 2017
    He is possibly a little jealous of your accomplishments and feeling somewhat insecure.
    He may have underlying self esteem issues which your "changes" have brought to the surface.
    He might even become resentful if it is not addressed.
    He could be projecting his fears on you for whatever reason.

    Talk with him. It doesn't matter whether you want to "shut down" or not.
    Suck it up, be an adult and do it anyway.

    My only other recommendation is to go into some sort of couples therapy or marriage counseling if you refuse to do the talking yourself.
  • DebLaBounty
    DebLaBounty Posts: 1,169 Member
    I would hate dealing with someone who's okay one day then spirals down, letting you feel like you're the one who needs to reassure and prop him up. Maybe to get into deeper conversations, you two should go to counseling together. Good luck!
  • 4legsRbetterthan2
    4legsRbetterthan2 Posts: 19,590 MFP Moderator
    Spartan_Gingi wrote: »
    Ironandwine69 wrote: »
    I am not trying to be mean , but if you can't sit him down and discuss this, it means your relationship is not that strong.
    Don't assume, accuse or put words in his mouth. Ask him.

    I'm not taking it mean :), and I appreciate the input from everyone. I have discussed it with him, and he apologized. The behavior got better for a week or so, then popped up again. We go on date nights a couple nights a week, spend oodles of time together on the weekend, and have a great connection at night. It's just seeming to linger in the back of his mind. His actions, and the way he interacts with me are altered for days on end, and then he's fine for a few days. Then it starts again, lol!

    Has he exhibited behavior like this before? This post makes me wonder if he might need to see a professional. Obviously, I dont know him as well as you, but this almost sounds like it could be some form of manic swings happening.
  • happyauntie2015
    happyauntie2015 Posts: 282 Member
    It's great your able to get your run in after your husband has left for work and congratulations on your progress! It seems you work a lot of hours and hubby's schedule may not be the same. I say communication is key. You are changing a lot of yourself and perhaps he is afraid of you leaving when you reach your goal? I know everyone's relationship is different however I had a similar experience. I've been overweight during the entire 20 years we have been together and 17 of those married. Hubby works a lot of hours while I work a straight 40. I'm close to 40 pounds down and noticed when my phone would go off he would a ask who is it or if I left he'd ask where ya going. One day I practically threw my phone to him and said check...turns out he missed me! Our schedules weren't lining up, I would think he was snoozing on the couch and I'd be on my phone, I'd spend more time at the gym and less at home. We finally had a great discussion and he was afraid I'd find someone else as I continue to loose weight. I assured him nope he is all I could ever want and guess what....we go to the gym 4x a week TOGETHER, we take walks a couple times a week TOGETHER, I'm learning to play basketball now (not my cup of tea), and we have started cooking together and well you get the idea.we have made time for US. As a bonus he has now lost 45 pounds and his insecurity is gone....maybe you can try and find a few active things you can do together so that you are still being active and he is getting that quality time with you. I hope things improve for you
  • Rawr1978
    Rawr1978 Posts: 245 Member
    No reason for divorce lol but...jealousy or insecurity can take its toll. Come out and talk to him about this. It won't get better unless you do. Tell him he should be happy that you're happier with yourself, and looking better. At the end of the day, a person has to be happy with themselves, no one can do it for them.
  • Rawr1978
    Rawr1978 Posts: 245 Member
    MsMaeFlowers wrote: »
    I had a similar issue with my husband at first. So we had a talk about it, and then I ignored all of his jealousy after that talk until he had it reigned in and under control. Might not work in your situation, but it did work in mine.

    Exactly. HE has to get it under wraps.
    Ive seen so many women basically cover themselves head to toe and avoid "making him jealous" in order to "calm the jealousy beast". Then, later, they say the man is too controlling to deal with. And vice versa.
    I won't deal with jealousy, and he knows it. I have been nothing but honest with mine, he knows this. And i refuse to change something about how i dress or my hobbies in order to reassure someone of something they should know.
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    edited August 2017
    This content has been removed.
  • MazzyToday
    MazzyToday Posts: 23 Member
    The soulution may not be for the original poster to change her behavior to accommodate her partner's suspicions.

    My husband was raised to believe that a woman who loses weight and dresses better is cheating--no other options. The solution is not maintaining a high weight or cutting off all contact with everyone else. This is his problem. Original poster's husband could also be reacting to something that was not caused or created by her.

    For my part, I have combatted this familisl teaching for 20 years and mostly won--by calling him out on it instead of trying to respond to hinting comments with smothering love.

    Now, he will say, "I know I am being stupid so I know you aren't going to run off with a personal trainer it something but I get nervous." That let's us talk about why he feels like that instead if shifting blame to me or my actions.

    Like original poster, I have never cheated and never will. I should not be punished for getting healthier.

    I worry that some responses in this thread are the equivalent of blaming the victim.

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