Losing Weight Sucks, but Not Losing Weight sucks even more

Stacivogue

I hate "dieting".
I love when people tell me I look like I've lost weight, but I also hate that they noticed I was fat in the first place. I hate that I was fat in the first place. Now, before you decide to fat shame me, let me tell you my story.

I am 5'4 and currently at 170 lbs. In my 20's I was 140, always trying to be 120. I worked out, I rollerbladed 25 miles on weekends, I lived at the gym when I wasn't working. I blew out my knee, and then switched to the elliptical machine, and did it so much that a nerve in my foot swelled up. I had 6 surgeries in 5 years and have permanent nerve damage in my foot.
I still managed to stay under 150 - I did try every fad diet in the world. When I look at my pictures now, I was not fat to begin with.

Then, I got pregnant. It was a rough pregnancy and I was on bedrest. When I had my 11 lb child, I weighed 203. But then a miracle happened, when the pregnancy hormones made my hip extend, my feet grew 1.5 sizes. Even though I was still in constant pain, I could walk around the block for the first time in 6 years.

It was amazing how immediately after I was no longer pregnant, people starting being really....different. I would go to the gym, and ask if someone could help move the big weights, and they'd say..."can't you see i'm busy here?" rather than help. I went into a spin class and someone pulled me aside and asked if i could take it. I eventually just bought my own spin bike and quit going to the gym. That way I didn't have to buy expensive clothes to go look horrible. It was like I was either invisible or people were rude. I was so determined to lose the weight, I got back on the spin bike and could manage a half hour without pain, i walked as much as I could, I had a fitbit before anyone knew what that was. My now ex husband stopped touching or looking at me, and became obsessed with working out and fasting and ate nothing but protein shakes. Needless to say, he cheated and left.

I've managed to go back and forth between 150 and 180 so many times since the pregnancy. It's like once your body knows that you CAN be 180 - it's determined to get back there. I can gain 5 lbs in a weekend if i let myself eat pizza.

I don't drink.

The only time I seem to lose weight is when I'm so stressed out that I flat out can't eat. Like when I found out my husband was sleeping with a 27 year old. Or when he sued me for the furniture, or when he sued me for custody.

I judge myself so harshly. I don't want to be "Fat" - but I do want to be able to go out to restaurants. I do want to be able to sit down and have a glass of wine with friends. But I can't - because I know for a fact that if I don't lose another 20 lbs, I won't fit into the "nice" business clothes that I need since I'll be starting a new job soon.

The only way that I lose weight is to diet, restricting calorie intake, carbohydrates, and eating 5 meals a day. I don't have time to custom prepare 5 meals a day, so I use a diet plan that I won't name. Exercise alone doesn't work for me, and i can't exercise that much anyway. It has to be a combination of diet and exercise for me, and a very specific diet.

I've lost 12 lbs in the last few months. I have 20 more to go. It seems like a long, bleak road. And I'd do it all again if it meant I could have my son. But damn, I hate being overweight. I hate losing weight. I hate wondering if i'll ever maintain the loss.

But the important thing is that I'm losing it all all, right? The most healthy thing I can do is not be overweight.

DebLaBounty

You sure have had to deal with a lot of stressful situations! Congrats on losing the 12 pounds. You are right, losing the weight will result in improved health. So keep at it! Have you tried rewarding yourself for your progress? I don't have much money but I've had success getting better fitting clothes at thrift and consignment shops. Maybe buy a new shirt when you drop another five pounds? You deserve to enjoy your weight loss achievements. Then the road ahead isn't quite so bleak.