The after effects of getting bullied as a teen (body image/weight gain or loss etc)?

alwaysbloated

I was reading some threads (diff forum) about a boy who was getting bullied and physically abused at school by one of his carers and another student. A lot of people were responding by saying if their child was in that situation, they would pull them out of school within weeks.

While I was in school, my family tried to fix the problem themselves. I would ask for help weekly from my year level dean, although I was getting abused multiple times a day. I thought I was a hopeless loser in a hopeless situation and that being picked on was going to happen in whatever reality I existed in. It took 4 years before I finally decided to move schools (other than the move halfway through to change from middle school to highschool).

It has definitely contributed to my depression, emotional issues and the weight I am now. It shows how messed up someone can get when they are left at the hands of abusers.

Has anything like this contributed to where you are today, or did you bounce back from it quickly? If you were a bully in the past, what do you think of your tormentees now? do you feel regret, or just think, the past is in the past?

I might not respond that much to this thread, because I have been feeling low thinking about all of this, but I appreciate any replies. I don't want this to be a debate about survival of the fittest or anything. Just wanted to get some thoughts off my chest.

CaloricCountess

Sometimes hurt people, hurt people! It's imperative to understand, that they cause problems; for others because either they're causing problems, for themselves and/or someone's! However the abuse that they've endured, isn't excusable for the abuse; that they inflict upon others & thus they deserve equal punishment, for their own victimization of others; as their perpetrators deserve for victimizing them! This realization isn't for you, to pity them but for you to know, that you; aren't the issue!

CaloricCountess

No you won't, get those years back but you've many more future years to live, it isn't too late to relive all of the joys of childhood; like going to Disney World, etc.! The past isn't the present and/or future, unless you continue; to return to it! Why turn around & renter a path, you escaped via?

JadeQuetzal

TL;DR - I was bullied a lot at school and home
how it affected me?
physically - I'm self conscious of my chest
mentally - I feel like my natural personality would lean more towards outgoing and confident, but then I get self conscious and withdrawn when uncomfortable or presented with confrontation.

---

I had typed out a "funny" story about this one girl that bullied me, but it was too long on top of the rest. So summary, she added me on fb, "apologized" by saying it wasn't her fault (probably some 12 step program or something) because she had a hard life and basically said she was the real victim, and I told her that I don't sympathize with people using their hardships as an excuse to hurt others because while she was bullying me, I was going through living hell at school and home. I told her leave it in the past. She definitely doesn't have her life together (had her kid taken away a while later and was in to some bad stuff before that).
Anyway, I was bullied a lot in school, but the only thing I'm kind of self conscious of because of it is my chest being on the smaller side. School taught me not to trust anyone. I can't count how many times someone pretended to be my friend or pretended to ask me out, just to laugh at me with their friends.

Home is what really messed me up though. I spent years being abused in every sense of the word. Mom was (... is still) a workaholic and rarely home. I still have nightmares and flashbacks sometimes. I do NOT trust anyone with my child except my husband and a select few female relatives. This is going to sound weird, but for years I hated the idea of being pretty. I never wanted to learn to do makeup or dress nice because being told how pretty you are when someone is abusing you kind of leaves you feeling like you'd be better off unattractive. I've more or less gotten over that nonsense, but there are countless little ways all of this affected me. I mean, how could it not? Literally every single aspect of my childhood until my late teens was around abuse or bullying.

But, I am who I am. Over the years things have improved here. I've been married to a wonderful man for 12 years now, and it's only because of him that my life improved. I'm not talking physically (although it did), because I'm sure I would have been able to better my life eventually. But he did loads for me mentally. I met him around the time the police found out what was happening (they got me out of the situation, but they also told me they thought I made things up because apparently crying is a sign of guilt). While the people around me were either keeping their distance, treating me with pity, or accusing me of lying, he was furious when he found out. Before him, no one acted angry on my behalf, and that's just what i needed. I needed to know it was ok to be angry at the situation and at the right people, and stop blaming myself.

SO... fast forward to today and no doubt there are residual issues with my confidence and personality, but I have a wonderful husband, amazing little girl, and my life is all around going well. I used to cry myself to sleep every night for years and years. I used to go to sleep wishing I'd never wake up, and thought of ending things so many times and only didn't because I didn't want what was happening to get out and hurt other people... but I'm insanely glad I'm still here

Hmm... one bonus... I never really fall into that "Oh what I wouldn't give to be __ years old again". I think I appreciate "now" more than most people Sometimes it hits me how lucky I am now, and I cry happy tears because I know what the alternative is like.

WorkerDrone83

I recently found out that my lovely wife was totally a 'mean girl' in high school and college and she gives absolutely no *kitten* about it. I figure that if bullies don't give their victims a second thought when they get older, the bullied should probably just let it go and live in the present. None of us are the same people we were back then anyway.

WorkerDrone83

newmeadow wrote: »

WorkerDrone83 wrote: »

I recently found out that my lovely wife was totally a 'mean girl' in high school and college and she gives absolutely no *kitten* about it. I figure that if bullies don't give their victims a second thought when they get older, the bullied should probably just let it go and live in the present. None of us are the same people we were back then anyway.

So your wife told you she treated undeserving people with casual social cruelty for the pleasure of it and feels no twang of conscience about it after the fact, despite knowing full well what she did?

Whoa, easy now. Put the pitchfork down. haha. I said she was mean. I didn't say she was a malicious sociopath. She wasn't cutting brake lines or dumping buckets of pig blood on anybody. She was just living her life a little less-considerately than desired. But she isn't tearing herself up about it nowadays, like "I should call this guy up and apologize for not giving him the time of day" or "I really should have gotten to know that one girl, whom I had absolutely nothing in common with, a little better."

gearhead426hemi

I was bullied physically in school a lot. I was a small guy until my junior year. It started in middle school with the jocs and some of the thugs. My wife went to the same school and we didn't know each other at the time she saw me get jumped in the gym by 4 guys in 7th grade. It continued and only got worse as the other guys hit their growth spurts before me. I was even small when I got to high school. I had other freshman bully me. I had someone try to put my head in the toilet. I had someone try to make me push a penny around the toilet seat with my nose. I had my backpack thrown in the pool. I was slammed into lockers on almost a daily basis. I would always try to defend myself so I was kicked out of school a lot. I was kicked out enough times that I had to come back to school for a second senior year just to finish all my classes. I didn't get my growth spurt until my junior year when I spent the summer working on my uncles horse ranch bucking hay and working with the horses. I came back over 20 pounds heavier and a couple inches taller. I had a LOT of built up anger from years and years of torment and I had no intention of letting anyone ever push me around again. One of the kids who had bullied me since middle school pushed my buttons one day and it took two security guards to pull me off him and they had to carry him to the nurses office. No one even looked at me funny from that point forth. Now I know not everyone can bounce back like this it takes a certain personality to overcome it. The only advise I can give is try to use that anger or whatever in a way to make yourself better. Don't use it as a crutch or excuse because then they have won.

My son is nothing like me and he has been dealing with bullying as well. I am a very physical person and he is just gentle and non confrontational. He plays violin, bari sax, tenor sax, and piano and is a board member for the youth orchestra. When he started to get bullied I said just either you stand up and fight or use the anger to fuel something else in your life. He puts his anger into his music and has excelled with it. He still comes to me to show him how to punch and defend himself if he finally has enough and wants to fight back but I don't think he has it in him to hit someone. Even when he was a toddler if another kid took his toy he would just walk away and get a different toy.

My daughter on the other hand is just like me. She doesn't take crap from anyone boy or girl. She got in trouble on the bus because a boy teased her so she warned him and he pushed her so she punched him in the mouth. She was kicked off the bus but I took her out for ice cream as a reward. She marches to the beat of her own drum. She wears the clothes she wants no matter what other people say. She gets bullied because she doesn't yield to the popular kids. There are a group of popular girls at her school that all the other kids do whatever they ask. Other kids will guy up their seats whatever the girls want they get except when it comes to my daughter. The " HERD" as our family calls them came to her at the beginning of class and told her to move because she was in their seat. My daughter said there is no assigned seats and go sit somewhere else. The herd girls all gave her dirty looks so she responded you can give me dirty looks all you want, in fact you can give me dirty looks from another seat because you aren't getting this one. I just about died laughing when I she told me this story.

I think that bullying is something that will never be gone no matter what we do or what rules we make. If we can teach our kids how to handle it as a child then it will only make them stronger adults. Bullying is just part of life and growing up. You either let it beat you and then the bullies win, or you use it to make you a better stronger person.

JadeQuetzal

WorkerDrone83 wrote: »

she gives absolutely no *kitten* about it.

You don't have to be violent to inflict serious damage on someone. You don't have to be nice to everyone, but how does one know that the person they're being mean to for the fun of it, isn't already teetering on the edge? Of course we should all move on with life and just work on improving ourselves, but an adult admitting to being a bully and feeling no remorse for it says a lot about their character. That kind of attitude upsets people.

However I think your idea of a "mean girl" and ours may be different. Not giving a guy you aren't interested in the time of day is called self respect. Not getting to know someone that you have nothing in common with is called being human. And everyone is a little rude at some point. If she considers herself to have been a "mean girl" because of things like that, then she needs a serious boost in self confidence and self respect.

gearhead426hemi

We can't control peoples feelings or how a persons actions or comments make someone feel as they are being bullied in some way. I see this heading towards some micro aggression, statues offend me argument. Everyone can't get a gold medal. We all don't have to get along or agree. In the giant rat race of life are you going to suck it up and take the bull by horns or find some reason or person to blame for your own faults and insecurities on. At the end of the day there is only one persons actions, words and feelings you can control and they are your own.

TheRoadDog

Never got bullied. As a young child I was afraid of everyone. At 3, I burned almost half my body. Spent 3 months at the hospital. When I got out, it took almost 2 years for the scar on my left arm to heal. They couldn't put dressing on it, because they wanted it to scab. This kid down the block would always rake my arm with his nails when he saw me. I used to run from him whenever I saw him. He would chase me all the way home. I eventually withdrew. When I was about 6, he was chasing me home. My Mom heard me coming and locked the front door. I had to turn and deal with him. I did. Never ran again from anyone.

gearhead426hemi

TheRoadDog wrote: »

Never got bullied. As a young child I was afraid of everyone. At 3, I burned almost half my body. Spent 3 months at the hospital. When I got out, it took almost 2 years for the scar on my left arm to heal. They couldn't put dressing on it, because they wanted it to scab. This kid down the block would always rake my arm with his nails when he saw me. I used to run from him whenever I saw him. He would chase me all the way home. I eventually withdrew. When I was about 6, he was chasing me home. My Mom heard me coming and locked the front door. I had to turn and deal with him. I did. Never ran again from anyone.

Your mom is amazing! We need more mothers like that. I am sure it helped mold you into a stronger person both physically and mentally. Pain is temporary but the lessons you learn will make you stronger for your entire life.

WorkerDrone83

JadeQuetzal wrote: »

WorkerDrone83 wrote: »

she gives absolutely no *kitten* about it.

You don't have to be violent to inflict serious damage on someone. You don't have to be nice to everyone, but how does one know that the person they're being mean to for the fun of it, isn't already teetering on the edge? Of course we should all move on with life and just work on improving ourselves, but an adult admitting to being a bully and feeling no remorse for it says a lot about their character. That kind of attitude upsets people.

However I think your idea of a "mean girl" and ours may be different. Not giving a guy you aren't interested in the time of day is called self respect. Not getting to know someone that you have nothing in common with is called being human. And everyone is a little rude at some point. If she considers herself to have been a "mean girl" because of things like that, then she needs a serious boost in self confidence and self respect.

I'm not sure that's an accurate statement. She's an absolute confident badass and always has been. That's probably why she identifies as a mean girl instead of a bullying victim. Honestly, I prefer it to being married to someone with a chip on their shoulder and the perception that they have something to prove or a need for revenge on life.

I know it's hard to convey tone through text, so please don't think anything I said applies to you personally.

JadeQuetzal

@WorkerDrone83 no not at all. I actually honestly think your wife just has a different idea of "mean girl" based on your follow up post. When I was younger I was quite a push over and felt like a mean person if did anything that I didn't think was polite.

@gearhead426hemi you all but called s snowflakes.

gearhead426hemi

JadeQuetzal wrote: »

@WorkerDrone83 no not at all. I actually honestly think your wife just has a different idea of "mean girl" based on your follow up post. When I was younger I was quite a push over and felt like a mean person if did anything that I didn't think was polite.

@gearhead426hemi you all but called s snowflakes.

I don't like to label people because it might hurt their feelings.

JadeQuetzal

gearhead426hemi wrote: »

JadeQuetzal wrote: »

@WorkerDrone83 no not at all. I actually honestly think your wife just has a different idea of "mean girl" based on your follow up post. When I was younger I was quite a push over and felt like a mean person if did anything that I didn't think was polite.

@gearhead426hemi you all but called s snowflakes.

I don't like to label people because it might hurt their feelings.

As long I get my gold medal, I'm good

michael1976_ca

I was bullied back in the day. it hurts to think of it today but I refuse to give them the power over me any more. I was tormented at home by an older brother who always threaten to do me bodily harm. which carried over to school. being shy sucks it show up even today. I don't socialize and don't have the skills for it which bugs me.

CaloricCountess

johnw83

i was bullied a lot and ended up being under weight but turned it around with boxing and muay thai kickboxing still under weight

TheRoadDog

My daughter is a lot like me. Does not like bullies. When my daughter was in HS, she got wind of a rumor that a bunch of boys were going to gang up on another boy. All these boys were immigrants from another country, but one boy was from a different background than the others. When my daughter heard about it, she told the one boy, that she was going to walk him home. She did walk him home and, luckily, others boys from the football team, that knew Holland, showed up and walked behind them.

I didn't find out until that night, when Holland's soccer coach called me and told me about it. I was very mad at her, but I was also very proud of her.