How do you do it?

RandJ6280

Every time I try to get fit and to encourage my wife to do the same.... she come up with an excuse as to why she can't. Then she'll fix meals that are not healthy... after dinner... eats ice cream, then will need something salty... so she reaches for the potato chips.

Once I start making progress (this is not my first time here on MFP) and dress a little better, stand al little taller, generally feel better about my overall well being... she will accuse my of having an affair... and I'm not. Then I get tired of the bad food, the looks and attitudes from her when I starting making progress.

How do you handle it when two are unequally yoked in the mindset of health and fitness?

christys03

Honestly...she's not ready...this is a very personal thing, and you have to want to do it.

My spouse is on board with the workouts....on the weekend...ONLY....he will go to the gym with me.
Im up @ 0400 am daily ALONE.

I make healthy meals....he and the kids sometimes don't eat it, and make their own thing...and the snacks...Oh the snacks...I just make sure I've loaded up on Protein....and cant stuff anything in my mouth...

I would continue to try to do you. Thats all you can do. Avoid the negativity she presents, and allow her to come around. Eventually she will come around...You are accountable to you....and have to keep your goals yours...not hers....

KANGOOJUMPS

HA!, sounds EXACTLY like me and my husband!, I do it for me!!!, it makes me happy, I do it!, I get picked up all the time, in front of him!, he will have to get used to it!, cause I want to be the best I can!

cmriverside

That whole jealousy thing would get to me the most.

I think I'd say it one time, "I'm not doing this so I can find someone else. Please stop with the accusations. That's not fair to me."

Then if she brings it up again, repeat.

Third time? Suggest therapy.

estherdragonbat

I'm sorry you're not getting the support you'd like. Bottom line, you need to do you. Your wife will do her or she won't in her own time. It's tough if she's doing the cooking for both of you. Can you cook? Or learn to? Maybe offer to do a meal or two a week to start with and make a recipe that fits your goals. Or keep to a moderate portion of what she's serving and eat more fruits and vegetables to feel fuller. As far as the after-dinner snacking, that's got to stay her problem, not yours. She's having ice cream and potato chips? If you don't have the calories for them/don't want them, then you don't eat them. But don't try to prevent her from indulging unless she tells you that she's trying to cut back and wants your help. Until then? You do you.

I have no advice to give on the infidelity accusations beyond maybe getting some counseling so you can learn coping strategies. Please understand that I'm not saying that this is all on you. From what you're telling me, it sounds like she might have issues that could be addressed with a counselor as well. But again, you need to do you. If I were making those accusations and my husband told me lovingly or bluntly, "Honey, I think maybe you should see a therapist," my reaction would probably be to accuse him of gaslighting. Or to be hurt and burst into tears. It definitely would not be, "OMG, you are so right. How did I not see it? Let me get online and see if I can find someone close by."

tcunbeliever

I really don't tolerate negativity or accusations from my husband...if I'm with you, it's because I want to be, and I don't even allow any talk to the contrary...but we have kind of a unique relationship and it's clearly not the same one you have with your wife.

First, don't under any circumstances start berating her for her eating habits or her health - that won't help. The best you can do is be concerned and let her know that you care about her and want her to have a long life with you, but even then tread lightly because it sounds like she's already tired of hearing it from you.

You can try encouraging her in a positive manner - making sure to compliment her meals if they are healthy or even just healthier, not pointing out that they are healthy, but just telling her how that was the best chicken she had ever made, or whatever, make it about her cooking something that you love because it was GOOD, not because it was good for you. If she traditionally cooks and take pride in her cooking, if her self esteem is somehow tied to her skills as a cook, this will work great. The more she likes your praise, the more she will repeat the meals you like, and the more you will get healthier food, and her as an extension.

Plan activities for the two of you that are active, but not necessarily traditional fitness. Like a romantic walk on the beach. Or bowling. Or even mini-golf involves a certain amount of movement. Not only is this getting both of you more active, but it's an activity level that is suitable for a beginner and it's spending quality time together. If she is resistant to changing patterns or habits, blame it on a mid-life crisis, explain to her that you want to do more with your life and with her and with the time you have left together because neither of you is getting any younger.

She's obviously insecure already, and your changes are making her feel more insecure about herself...if you make changes a positive experience for HER, then she may accept them a little easier. Also, not sure what she's into, but chocolate, wine, and flowers always work wonders for me whenever my husband is getting annoying - never underestimate the value of a 'just because' gift.

KelGen02

It would be great if you were able to make this lifestyle change together, most times spouse are NOT on the same page when it comes to things like this and unfortunately, until she is ready to make a change there is nothing you can do to make her change her mind. I would stick to your goals of losing weight and gaining your health. Assure her along the way that you love her, but you need to make this change for YOU, with or without her support. Start making healthier meals to eat, make it for both of you if she chooses not to eat it then that just means you prepped a healthy dish you can eat again tomorrow. The negativity she is spewing is out of jealousy and unfortunately you will have to learn to just tune that out. Not going to be easy, but it will be so worth it!! Good luck!

fiddletime

I have always done my fitness thing by myself. For 30 years my husband has watched me jog, row, bike, lift weights, etc. I'm fine with that. We also make our own meals.

As for her insecurities, they are real and you two should discuss that or get counseling to help. Your journey in eating and health shouldn't affect her sense of self- worth, but it seems to be exacerbating issues that were probably already there. I wish you both the best.

DebLaBounty

I wouldn't waste any time trying to get her to join you in getting healthier. She probably doesn't appreciate the pressure. Just go after your own goals. Learn to cook your own food (but of course, offer to share and don't be offended if she doesn't want what you're having). My husband doesn't run; I do. My husband doesn't bike; I do. Guess who doesn't do Zumba? My husband. I agree with @fiddletime - you may need to have couples counseling or you're going to spend a lot of time reassuring your wife over and over about something she won't believe anyway.

Brans34

I now have an ex that did the same thing to me. I told him I was tired of how I felt and how I looked in the mirror, and that I wasn't going to put up with him calling me every horrible derogatory term he could think of for suggesting that I was losing weight to sleep with someone else. He continued to drink more and more and complain about the meals that I cooked, but refused to cook or do grocery shopping because that was "my job." It's really hard getting someone to believe that you are simply interested in feeling better physically and mentally, and you are NOT doing it for someone else. I would suggest a serious, calm discussion next time it's mentioned, and then like the rest, counseling if it doesn't stop. Nobody deserves to live miserably because they want to be healthy. Best wishes!

4legsRbetterthan2

For starters, make sure you do you, so do what you have to do to meet your goals, but don't push her. It will build resentment and most people have to decide they want it for themselves before they will see any results. If you are pushing her that could be why she is pushing back.

But, she is also being unfair and childish. I suspect she is emotionally striking out at you because she is frustrated with herself, but alot of what she is doing is very damaging in a relationship. Especially accusing someone of cheating without good cause. I would say something about that. If she is really that insecure and doesn't trust you then that is a big problem for your relationship. If she is just saying something like that to get to you then that is also a big problem and needs to be addressed.

It is important to realize in a relationship you dont have to be the same people, you just have to find ways to handle your differences. I try to be healthy and a well rounded eater, and my husband basically eats like a picky toddler. I respect his food restrictions most of the time, and he supports me in my goals. We don't try to force each other into "our boxes" and so far it hasnt been an issue ( except the occasional fight about where to go out to eat of coarse!)

RandJ6280

Brans34 wrote: »

I now have an ex that did the same thing to me. I told him I was tired of how I felt and how I looked in the mirror, and that I wasn't going to put up with him calling me every horrible derogatory term he could think of for suggesting that I was losing weight to sleep with someone else. He continued to drink more and more and complain about the meals that I cooked, but refused to cook or do grocery shopping because that was "my job." It's really hard getting someone to believe that you are simply interested in feeling better physically and mentally, and you are NOT doing it for someone else. I would suggest a serious, calm discussion next time it's mentioned, and then like the rest, counseling if it doesn't stop. Nobody deserves to live miserably because they want to be healthy. Best wishes!

She always complains about the way see looks... then will eat empty carbs, high in sugar. She is now borderline diabetic.... at times she'll look at me, pat my stomach and ask me when am I going back to the gym? I'm tired of the double standards... then there is the lack of well.....

shaunshaikh

My wife and I aren't doing this together, and I'm perfectly fine with that. She had a very active lifestyle without exercising raising our 3 kids under 5 and since she's breastfeeding she gets a calorie bump. She looks great and her focus is on feeding the kids and getting through the day.

For me, this latest revision of my health journey all started with realizing I needed to do this alone and that was perfectly OK. Now, my wife has supported me emotionally every step of the way, but I still need to cook my own meals and do my own exercise routine. My wife may eat things I try to avoid, but who cares? She needs to do her and I need to do me.

Need2Exerc1se

RandJ6280 wrote: »

Brans34 wrote: »

I now have an ex that did the same thing to me. I told him I was tired of how I felt and how I looked in the mirror, and that I wasn't going to put up with him calling me every horrible derogatory term he could think of for suggesting that I was losing weight to sleep with someone else. He continued to drink more and more and complain about the meals that I cooked, but refused to cook or do grocery shopping because that was "my job." It's really hard getting someone to believe that you are simply interested in feeling better physically and mentally, and you are NOT doing it for someone else. I would suggest a serious, calm discussion next time it's mentioned, and then like the rest, counseling if it doesn't stop. Nobody deserves to live miserably because they want to be healthy. Best wishes!

She always complains about the way see looks... then will eat empty carbs, high in sugar. She is now borderline diabetic.... at times she'll look at me, pat my stomach and ask me when am I going back to the gym? I'm tired of the double standards... then there is the lack of well.....

It sounds like you need to have a serious talk with her. Explain why this is important to you and that you wish it was important to her too. But you have to understand that you can't make it important to her. If she really doesn't want to change, you can't make her. You have to decide if you are okay with that. But don't give up on her quickly. She might change once she sees you following through with your goals. Suggest fun activities you can do together, but don't mention exercise or weight. Hiking, kayaking, paddle boarding, geocaching, swimming, fishing, whatever you think you might enjoy together. Try and work together for a middle ground.

4legsRbetterthan2

RandJ6280 wrote: »

She always complains about the way see looks... then will eat empty carbs, high in sugar. She is now borderline diabetic.... at times she'll look at me, pat my stomach and ask me when am I going back to the gym? I'm tired of the double standards... then there is the lack of well.....

Sounds like the has some self esteem issues, and might be comfort/emotional eating. Saying hurtful things to you may be another extension of this.

Lack of intimacy is definitely a sign to see a marriage counselor. Sounds like she needs to work on herself, and you both need to work on your relationship together. I wish you both the best!

hesn92

I have always done my health and fitness stuff alone. My husband wants nothing to do with any of it which is fine. We do eat the same meals for dinner but he eats total crap otherwise. I wish he would eat better for his health. As far as exercise he doesn't need it, he basically works out for a living. (Framing houses) I would be really upset at the cheating accusations though! That would piss me off.

RandJ6280

hesn92 wrote: »

I have always done my health and fitness stuff alone. My husband wants nothing to do with any of it which is fine. We do eat the same meals for dinner but he eats total crap otherwise. I wish he would eat better for his health. As far as exercise he doesn't need it, he basically works out for a living. (Framing houses) I would be really upset at the cheating accusations though! That would piss me off.

I wish too that she would eat better and take better care of herself. She is 6 years older than I am, so I don't know if the age difference is starting to be a factor.

snowflake954

When you said it's not your first time on here, and when you start making progress she accuses you of looking for another, it struck me that:
1 She is Very insecure
2 She likes the "status quo" and doesn't want changes, especially for you.
3 Accusing you of looking for another works, since you wind up quitting.

She is manipulating you. You love her, but I'd go to counseling alone, if necessary, to figure her out.