Why do I hate my body so much?

acorsaut89

I've always been quite athletic, and growing up I had pretty great eating habits, and a healthy relationship with food.

To spare the details, from the time I was 19 - 25 I was in a horrible relationship and during that time I started binge eating. No one saw me do it, no one knew how it was happening they just knew I was gaining weight.

Anyways, I'm now 28 and I'm still struggling with the bingeing. I've always known that if I eat poorly I perform poorly . . . I know that. But it doesn't seem to stop me from doing it.

Last night as I was doing a spin class at the gym I was really struggling and, being lost in my own thoughts, I said to myself: why do I hate my body so much that I put horrible food into it that doesn't do me any good? Why? I know it's not good for me. I know it's going to make me feel horrible . . . why don't I love myself enough to feed myself good food?

I've been working with a counsellor for about 6 months now to help get this under control and figure out how to better handle the feelings to binge that I have.

I guess I'm just venting but does anyone else feel like this? Anyone else ever had these thoughts?

WorkerDrone83

That's awesome that you're working with a counselor. Smart move. Also, glad to hear that you're out of that horrible relationship. 28 is still young and I'm excited for you!

katsheare

This is not easy. For so many reasons, you're in a tough corner, and for what it's worth, you seem to be taking positive steps. They are steps, you are on a journey, neither of those is necessarily easy, but you're doing it. That's huge.

Just to give you perspective, you've spent about 1/5 of your life in a bad relationship. Clearly you developed a habit to help get you through that time. 1/5 of something is a lot. Habits are challenging to shift. It will take time to address both of those. And you've been away from that damaging relationship only half the time you were in it. Time's important.

While I've not had the same issues, I have deliberately made poor choices when it comes to taking care of myself. I think for me, I've had to move the importance from loving myself to good stewardship. I am the healthiest member of my immediate family. I need to make sure it stays that way (my partner has osteoarthritis and my son is developmentally delayed, their issues are neither going away nor of their own making), and for me knowing that I'm the healthiest self I can be, from what I eat to how much I move, is the best thing I can do and be.

Keep with the counselor. He/she will know what resources are out there, will be better suited to ask the right questions, and has nothing to gain by your failure. Be aware and mindful of what you put into your body (I'm sure this is part of what you're working on with your counselor) and if it's something that you 'shouldn't', ask yourself why you are.

You've got this. You've totally got this.

ninerbuff

I've had a few clients who were in bad relationships that believed deep down inside that if they got fat and out of shape, the SO would leave them. And some never wanted to have a relationship like that again, so they stayed that way to avoid anyone wanting to be with them.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

kommodevaran

The foods people typically binge on taste good, are easy to eat and overeat, and it feels good to eat it, and wrong at the same time, and the conflict is painful, but eating junk temporarily eases tension and feels good, so... I don't think it's strange or weird at all. And that it's not about hating your body, but maybe no access to other methods of getting comfort, and lack of self-trust, which has an impact on ability to delay gratification. Focus gets very narrow, about here-and-now and survival - food is always there, but trying not to eat it makes it a scarcity, so our brain tells us to eat, now.

acorsaut89

ninerbuff wrote: »

I've had a few clients who were in bad relationships that believed deep down inside that if they got fat and out of shape, the SO would leave them. And some never wanted to have a relationship like that again, so they stayed that way to avoid anyone wanting to be with them.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

It's interesting you say that because my partner actually got worse when I started to work out again - I lost about 50lbs before finally leaving and he told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore because I was "too small" so for him, keeping me big and keeping my self esteem low meant I'd always stay because I didn't think anyone else would want me.

acorsaut89

katsheare wrote: »

This is not easy. For so many reasons, you're in a tough corner, and for what it's worth, you seem to be taking positive steps. They are steps, you are on a journey, neither of those is necessarily easy, but you're doing it. That's huge.

Just to give you perspective, you've spent about 1/5 of your life in a bad relationship. Clearly you developed a habit to help get you through that time. 1/5 of something is a lot. Habits are challenging to shift. It will take time to address both of those. And you've been away from that damaging relationship only half the time you were in it. Time's important.

While I've not had the same issues, I have deliberately made poor choices when it comes to taking care of myself. I think for me, I've had to move the importance from loving myself to good stewardship. I am the healthiest member of my immediate family. I need to make sure it stays that way (my partner has osteoarthritis and my son is developmentally delayed, their issues are neither going away nor of their own making), and for me knowing that I'm the healthiest self I can be, from what I eat to how much I move, is the best thing I can do and be.

Keep with the counselor. He/she will know what resources are out there, will be better suited to ask the right questions, and has nothing to gain by your failure. Be aware and mindful of what you put into your body (I'm sure this is part of what you're working on with your counselor) and if it's something that you 'shouldn't', ask yourself why you are.

You've got this. You've totally got this.

What is interesting for me is that when I do binge, I don't hate that I ate all that food but I hate more than I don't have control over myself enough to stop. Control is big thing for me, which we've figured out through counselling. I have unattainable standards for myself, incredibly high expectations and I'm an all or nothing person (as in if everything isn't together then everything is falling apart).

acorsaut89

kommodevaran wrote: »

The foods people typically binge on taste good, are easy to eat and overeat, and it feels good to eat it, and wrong at the same time, and the conflict is painful, but eating junk temporarily eases tension and feels good, so... I don't think it's strange or weird at all. And that it's not about hating your body, but maybe no access to other methods of getting comfort, and lack of self-trust, which has an impact on ability to delay gratification. Focus gets very narrow, about here-and-now and survival - food is always there, but trying not to eat it makes it a scarcity, so our brain tells us to eat, now.

The foods I binge on tend to be high processed carbs (chips, breads, deep fried things) and I found out recently that these foods actually mimic a dopamine spike in your brain so it's like an anti-depressant for your brain by eating these foods, to put it simply. I know there's more to it than that, but in simple terms that's what happens. So the counsellor I've been working with is treating me for depression, high-functioning depression actually. So it's been an interesting ride because I've struggled for a long time with always feeling like I'm not good enough and I could always do better (IE I run a 5K in 40 minutes, but I wanted to do it in 35). Most people would be happy running a 5K, I'm not happy because I didn't hit my desired time. I'm my own worst enemy and I know that I am.

LearningToFly13

ninerbuff wrote: »

I've had a few clients who were in bad relationships that believed deep down inside that if they got fat and out of shape, the SO would leave them. And some never wanted to have a relationship like that again, so they stayed that way to avoid anyone wanting to be with them.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

I understand that and have seen it in other situations also. When I was at college, one of my close friends was seriously assaulted. In the months that followed she put on alot of weight and has stayed that way ever since. I've always thought that it's a safety thing for her, she feels more secure like that...at least from men. It's as if she's hiding.

Obviously I don't know the root cause of your binge eating OP but it is more than likely an emotional response to something you don't want to face head on. You've done the right thing in seeking support, a counsellor will help you find better ways of managing stress and relationships. You live and learn ... never let yourself be trapped in a sucky relationship again. You and indeed life, is far too precious to waste on negativity.

Kullerva

"Brain Over Binge" deals with your exact situation (sans crummy relationship) and takes a sound approach to breaking through the lack of control. I've read it a few times. It helps.

Kullerva

LearningToFly13 wrote: »

ninerbuff wrote: »

I've had a few clients who were in bad relationships that believed deep down inside that if they got fat and out of shape, the SO would leave them. And some never wanted to have a relationship like that again, so they stayed that way to avoid anyone wanting to be with them.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

I understand that and have seen it in other situations also. When I was at college, one of my close friends was seriously assaulted. In the months that followed she put on alot of weight and has stayed that way ever since. I've always thought that it's a safety thing for her, she feels more secure like that...at least from men. It's as if she's hiding.

Obviously I don't know the root cause of your binge eating OP but it is more than likely an emotional response to something you don't want to face head on. You've done the right thing in seeking support, a counsellor will help you find better ways of managing stress and relationships. You live and learn ... never let yourself be trapped in a sucky relationship again. You and indeed life, is far too precious to waste on negativity.

This was me. I was molested when I was very little and gained weight to hide. Alas, it didn't work.