A tale of woes. Witness my pity party. Or not.

WandaVaughn
WandaVaughn Posts: 420 Member
edited November 21 in Chit-Chat
I don't know where else to go with this. It's bottled up inside me. Even my ever loving husband doesn't understand.

My grown daughter and two grandsons (2 and 3yo.) are living with us while she's in the process of divorcing her husband. I love them all dearly but sometimes the house gets so loud I can't hear myself think, much less finish the book I'm contracted to write. There's not a room in the house that I can hide from the noise. The small room that was going to be my home office has become the storage room. I have a critique meeting with my editor and a few other writer's tonight and I haven't written anything in 2 months! I dread going, even though in the past couple of years my editor and I became friends. We hardly talk anymore. I used to think of myself as a writer.

I'm losing myself.

I'm glad we can help DD out, but sometimes it's very hard. I work a 9 to 4 job M-F. I have a 30 mile commute one way. I'm losing weight on purpose. I'm training for a HM early in the mornings. By the time I come home, cook dinner, clean up from dinner and breathe for 30 minutes, it's time for bed. Weekends are spent on trying to catch up on the housework. I'm glad we live in the middle of nowhere and rarely get visitors. I would dread them walking through the door.

I'm starting to feel burned out. I used to love to write. Now it's a chore to find time to do it. And if I do find time, my brain refuses to engage. I don't want to burn out on running. Sometimes I pretend that I'm running away from home. Running to an adventure. But that stretches my imagination too much. I can't imagine what adventure is open to me right now.

I don't want to complain about my life. We're all healthy. No hurricane breathing down our necks. I have a sweet and loving husband and a home and a job. I have so many blessings. Why does life feel so hard right now?



Replies

  • SomebodyWakeUpHIcks
    SomebodyWakeUpHIcks Posts: 3,836 Member
    ?
    effing_steve wrote: »
    Why isn't your daughter helping with the cooking and cleaning, since you're gracious enough to let them stay with you.

    Yeah, why ain't she making me a sammich?
  • Grimmerick
    Grimmerick Posts: 3,342 Member
    edited September 2017
    I agree you should start delegating some responsibilities to her, also maybe have an hour set the same time everyday where it's mandatory quiet time, also I would look at clearing out that storage room.
  • pudgy1977
    pudgy1977 Posts: 13,499 Member
    @effin_steve @sombodywakeuphicks

    Are you two the same person??? You seem to travel together. HMMMMM
  • WandaVaughn
    WandaVaughn Posts: 420 Member
    Her idea of cooking involves a package of alfredo noodles and maybe a can of chicken or frozen corn dogs or, well, you get the picture. She mostly gets the toys picked up in the living room. The hall bathroom is a disaster. I'm glad hubby and I have a master bath that we can use. Why doesn't she load the dishwasher, etc? I always had to stay on her as a teenager to do her chores,but I hate asking an adult to do something more than once.
  • Grimmerick
    Grimmerick Posts: 3,342 Member
    edited September 2017
    WandaVaughn wrote: »
    Her idea of cooking involves a package of alfredo noodles and maybe a can of chicken or frozen corn dogs or, well, you get the picture. She mostly gets the toys picked up in the living room. The hall bathroom is a disaster. I'm glad hubby and I have a master bath that we can use. Why doesn't she load the dishwasher, etc? I always had to stay on her as a teenager to do her chores,but I hate asking an adult to do something more than once.

    I wouldn't let her cook since that's how she cooks but she can assist and help clean up, I would def let her know as an adult and living with you that these things need to be done and stay done without you asking her. Nothing wrong with that when you are doing her such a big favor. I'm assuming you aren't charging rent?
  • GemstoneofHeart
    GemstoneofHeart Posts: 865 Member
    How long term is this? Can you go to the library to write?

    If it were me, I'd lay some ground rules down for her. Or else she has to move out.
  • WandaVaughn
    WandaVaughn Posts: 420 Member
    GemstoneofHeart wrote: »
    How long term is this? Can you go to the library to write?

    I wish I knew what the time limit was. Then I could steel myself through it. Seems a little open-ended to me. Sigh. How long do divorces take? I guess I could try the library, but that leaves me getting home even later, delaying supper. Unless I can come up with 100 different crock pot recipes that can be left for 10 hours or more.

    I'm not trying to bat away all suggestions. I'm just feeling overwhelmed. And guilty for feeling overwhelmed.

    @emmydoodles83 - not charging rent

  • bobshuckleberry
    bobshuckleberry Posts: 281 Member
    Oh gosh, I feel your pain except it was my mother- in-law. Honestly it is hard for two households to live in one. I hate to say it especially women. Sounds like not having things in order does not bother her and it probably never will. Some people do perfectly fine with it.
    I would make a chore list of who needs to be responsible for what. I don't care how old she is, she needs to help and she can learn to cook. Leave the ingredient list and instructions. And someone mentioned ground rules, yes, you need those. It is your home. You did your job in raising her. Other than the fact that she is there, you should not have extra work. She can take the kids somewhere so you can write. I am a writer too and I have to go away sometimes to write. I just go to a friend's house, but sometimes I have to remove myself.
  • Need2Exerc1se
    Need2Exerc1se Posts: 13,575 Member
    WandaVaughn wrote: »
    GemstoneofHeart wrote: »
    How long term is this? Can you go to the library to write?

    I wish I knew what the time limit was. Then I could steel myself through it. Seems a little open-ended to me. Sigh. How long do divorces take? I guess I could try the library, but that leaves me getting home even later, delaying supper. Unless I can come up with 100 different crock pot recipes that can be left for 10 hours or more.

    I'm not trying to bat away all suggestions. I'm just feeling overwhelmed. And guilty for feeling overwhelmed.

    @emmydoodles83 - not charging rent

    As a grandmother who loves her grandchildren dearly but would NOT want them living with me, I get it. This is the time you should have for yourself. You should get to be grandma and spoil them and then send them home. Kids are a lot of work and noise and mess.

    A google search turned up quite a few slow cooker meals that can cook for 10 hrs or more, but you might also consider investing in a slow cooker with a timer. They aren't expensive and could potentially free up time to spend on you.

    You don't mention what your daughter's schedule is like but why not sit down with her and tell her everything you've just told us. She's an adult now and should understand. Maybe work out a few hours each week that she will take the children somewhere so you can work on your writing.
  • Grimmerick
    Grimmerick Posts: 3,342 Member
    WandaVaughn wrote: »
    GemstoneofHeart wrote: »
    How long term is this? Can you go to the library to write?

    I wish I knew what the time limit was. Then I could steel myself through it. Seems a little open-ended to me. Sigh. How long do divorces take? I guess I could try the library, but that leaves me getting home even later, delaying supper. Unless I can come up with 100 different crock pot recipes that can be left for 10 hours or more.

    I'm not trying to bat away all suggestions. I'm just feeling overwhelmed. And guilty for feeling overwhelmed.

    @emmydoodles83 - not charging rent

    Hmm well giving her things to do around the house will help ease your burden, and letting her know since she is an adult you expect them done without having to ask is definitely not asking too much. Tell her it's in lieu of rent. Also if she gets tired of it, it might move her along to get back out on her own feet again. Either way she should be doing things for you to help you as gratitude at the least.
  • _pi3_
    _pi3_ Posts: 2,311 Member
    No thanks. I got my own
  • allaboutthecake
    allaboutthecake Posts: 1,535 Member
    Have you thought of dictation while you are driving on your commutes to get your thoughts down? Use earbuds when transcribing and you could even transcribe sitting in a coffee shop.
    Perhaps in your heart you enjoy running now more than sitting writing? Prioritize your day/eve. You may have to set the alarm and write at 4a.m. in order to meet deadlines.
    As for a chore list, talk over with the DD beforehand so you can both come up with a plan. she may be overwhelmed and depressed about her abrupt lifestyle change. Maybe if she had Monday, Wed, Sat to prepare a simple meal, for example. But even that much can be overwhelming. So maybe just 1 or 2 days, but set them so she has a consistent calendar. And about keeping the hall bath tidy. Its hard with little kids, I know...but hair in the sink is gross.
    If the adults all have an adult conversation, there shouldn't be any drama or hard feelings.
    Best of luck to you.
  • pudgy1977
    pudgy1977 Posts: 13,499 Member
    Okay. I've been following this thread and not saying anything. I'm a 40yr old living at her moms for he same reason. Going through a divorce and need to stay somewhere I can have my kids and my dog and that's in the school district.
    My mom is amazing, and I know we drive her insane. She's not used to having teenagers around. But she helps cuz she loves me. In return I do whatever I can to keep things easy for her. I make dinner. I do the dishes. I buy her beer and take her to dinner.
    Family is just that family. Love and respect eachother. Help when can and don't take advantage when you could be doing it on your own.
    Also...don't be passive aggressive about how it's going. Living with anyone is hard and if you can't have conversations about what's bothering you it's gonna go south. Talk, listen, and just love and respect is what's needed.
  • FabulousFantasticFifty
    FabulousFantasticFifty Posts: 195,832 Member
    I feel for you my Dear I have four adult children and it seems that the eldest is the most dependent on us. She and her child who was a preemie have been in our guest cottage for four years, she helpd by paying a small amt for rent. However, now due to change in circumstances the property will have to be sold. She's devistated at the thought of having to move somewhere else! It's hard to give tough love especially when there are children involved.

    Is there any way you could possibly help them out financially as far as getting them into their own place?
  • beagletracks
    beagletracks Posts: 6,034 Member
    It's hard to write and focus with distractions around. Probably a pretty horrible time for your daughter. Maybe you could think about how you would explain to her the complaints you're venting here. That process might help you examine what's most important to you. If your peace of mind, time, and privacy are more important to you than your daughter, you can always ask her to leave. Or you can be open about your frustrations. Or you can find a way to deal with your stress while also supporting your daughter and letting her know the ways she can make the situation more tolerable for all.
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