When all your plans keep falling apart because of mental illness

michelleepotter

This month I am "starting over" in MFP for what feels like the millionth time. Every time, I create what feels like a very reasonable and long-term sustainable plan. I follow it, and get good results, and it works for me. I'm the type of person who likes to follow a plan and have structure, with built-in indulgences that don't throw me off track.

But I also suffer from chronic depression and anxiety. It's very cyclical. I am great for a while, then I feel it coming on and I fight it. But eventually I get overwhelmed and every plan or structure I have in my life falls apart and I'm just barely dragging myself from one day to the next. I don't have anyone in my life to prop me up when I fall apart. My husband does take over some and makes sure the basics get done, but for the most part *I* am the one who keeps everything running. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a constant fight to keep things going. And if I don't do it, it doesn't happen. And then, when I feel good, I'm spending all my time fixing what wasn't done when I felt bad. I'm catching up on the giant mountain of dirty clothes. I'm getting the kids back on a schedule. I'm losing the weight that I gained back, the same weight that I just lost last time.

I've been in therapy on and off for years. I feel like they don't help me at all. My last therapist, I told her that I felt like all I do is come in and complain about things I can't change, and then I leave feeling worse because I spent all that time thinking about things I can't do anything about. She doesn't give me any advice or guidance. She just said, "I wish there was something I could do to help you." I thought I was paying her to help me. I've also tried a lot of different medications. The only one that helped also gave me such severe stomach aches that I ended up in bed for half the day.

I just don't know what to do to keep everything going when I fall apart. I don't want to get back down close to my goal weight only to lose control again and then end up back where I started. Again. I've been at this for over 5 years, and I still haven't managed to get down to my original goal (and I only needed to lose 30 pounds when I started!) I need some way to just not stop.

dbanks80

Do you exercise?

Running or some type of aggressive cardio helps me clear my mind and replenish good thoughts. I dont have depression but if I am stressed work, my sons, or whatever a good exercise really helps me think clear and not get negative with my situation. That and prayer works for me.

cmriverside

Acceptance of things out of my control is the answer to my problems.

Complaining about them makes me feel worse, keeps me stuck in the problem, and gets my mind spinning. All of this is in your own thinking.






Don't torture yourself with your own thoughts.

Geocitiesuser

> I just don't know what to do to keep everything going when I fall apart.

You get up and try again. That's all you CAN do. You're not alone. This is a common, if not the most common theme, of people fighting their weight.

membranous

I feel you, I have struggled with depression and anxiety for so many years I've lost count. I've seen doctors and therapist with no real change, I've tried so many medications that I can't even remember all the meds I've tried. My weight has and still is a huge problem for me, and there are days I just don't want to he a wife or mother.
You have to except that you can't control everything in your life, things are in constant motion, I wish the world would stop for me when I'm down but I've learned that the only thing I can control is me. Some days I can do it all and others I just try to keep it together. I've only started to lose all this weight because it has always seemed so daunting and impossible, but I have to focus on me me me I am no good to anyone if I can't be a little selfish about what I want and need. Don't look at what you haven't accomplished, see what is right in front of you, always focus on what you have accomplished set smaller goals that will be more easily accomplished so your not reaching so high that you are asking for failure. 30 pounds might as well be a 100 if you're not focusing on your everyday accomplishments. Depression always has a way of telling you that your not good enough and you will never get there. Remember you are so very important, if you have any hope of staying the rock in your family's structure you have to focus as much time on you as you do on others if not more. Stay strong and also remember it's okay to have bad days they are just a factor in life that is to be expected, just don't let the bad days take over, there not worth it.

explodingmango

Hey, you're trying again now - that's a good sign.

I'm in a similar boat - C-PTSD, GAD, and an eating disorder. Fun times![/sarcasm] I've also started over again and again and again because life and my brain get out of my control. I have no guarantees that I'll be able to make this time a permanent fix, either...

Ironically enough, accepting that has made me feel better about things. Committing to a permanent change, with anxiety or depression? That's hard. "All right, I'm gonna try again, and if I give up and don't make it this time then I'll just start again later like always" is kind of liberating, in a way.

The other big difference keeping me from feeling like this is just another hopeless attempt that I'm going to give up on in a week is that I've gotten my boyfriend on board with helping me - specifically, even though there's only so much extra work he can take on, he CAN remind me of how I feel when I start skipping out on the gym or how much it weakens me when I refuse to eat, he can hide/lock up the laxatives, and perhaps most importantly, he can help me work out more efficient ways to do the things he can't do so that even on my bad days I don't burn out as easily. Do you think your husband would be willing/able to do things like that?

It also sounds to me like you probably do need a different therapist - I know that might sound hopeless, but think of it as being like dating: someone, somewhere is going to be The One(TM); just because some of your classmates married their high school sweethearts and you're coming off of breakup #17 doesn't mean that relationships just aren't for you. Finding a therapist works very much the same way - it might take over a dozen tries to find one who works well with you, but it doesn't mean you should give up trying.

Finally, feel free to add me if you want an accountability buddy who's also struggled with this kind of thing and knows what its like!

DebLaBounty

Sounds like you need to try a new therapist. It's worth shopping around. Maybe your primary doctor can refer you to someone different? And I know it's hard to ask for help, but adult men can learn to do their own laundry and even throw in a load for you and the kids. I know it's really very difficult to do things when you don't even want to get out of bed, but maybe you could try taking a walk outside every day. Take your kids with you, if you want. It's a small thing, but some fresh air and physical movement can act as a nice break from the bleakness of staying inside feeling awful.

kommodevaran

I hope you aren't looking for someone to solve your problems - I can't do that - but your post spoke to me and a couple of things crossed my mind:

Your therapist sounds useless. Consider finding another.

A plan has to be useful when you need it, not just look good when you make it. You don't even need to plan when you're "up", you need a plan to follow when you're "down". A plan and a structure can be just about anything. It should be just as detailed and tight as you need, but not too detailed and tight. Or maybe you just think you do well with plans - maybe you are a rebel without knowing it (cue: Gretchen Rubin)?

Then there's the children. As a mother of eight(!), being mother is your job, but your kids can do housework, according to age and skills. And skills will improve with age and experience and responsibility.

And then the feeling of never being able to catch up. This is perfectly normal. Living a life is sometimes a battle, and we always have things we should or think we should have done and never seem to get started or finished.

Weight management is related to this. Weight management is not about reaching a goal and be done with it, it's a neverending story. Every day, you eat, move, sleep. If you can eat, move and sleep a little better overall, your weight will move in the right direction.

Skipjack66

I don't like the sounds of that therapist of yours. "I wish I could help you?!" - what kind of advice is that?!! Find a new one, and hopefully one who knows cognitive behavioural therapy. Then you will have some homework to do every single day. You'll hopefully also make yourself some *tiny* goals - keep a log, make lists etc. of things you can do (and will eventually do).

There is also something called "Mindfullness based meditation" which can also be very helpful. If you don't have classes in your area, you can try it on your own. The book is called "Full Catastrophe Living" by Jon Kabat Zin, and there is also a set of CD's that go along with it. Excellent book, excellent meditation instructions on the audio. Give it a try!

Speak with your doctor too about your medication (if you are taking any). There are so mamy types and combinations, and everyone responds differently. I hope you get some help soon!! Good luck!

nitaaaaa

This really resonated with me - brings to mind a saying - just bc you vacuumed your house once, doesn't mean you won't ever do it again right? Maybe think of these "catching up" times more as "usual maintenance" times of life and that instead of reaching an end goal the idea is to just keep things in as best order as you can as you go along. Easier said than done though, I know. I always think to myself the biggest challenge to weight loss/ keeping weight off for me is simply a matter of mental health (and related to that is energy level). I don't think people understand what it's like to be depressed when they say just force yourself to get some exercise or stick with your routine - it just doesn't work that way when you don't have any motivation to get out of bed. I'm single and afraid I'll always be at this point being obese and prone to gloominess - so definitely appreciate having your hubby around and maybe have a discussion with him if you feel guilty or bad for asking him for "extra" help during those times - you might be surprised to find that he actually would like to do more if he only knew what you needed.

lilac_bunny

You are not alone. There are things out there you can try but it is trial, error and frustration if it takes a while to find the best fit.
In terms of therapy there are many different types depending I your goal and personality type. Some was has mentioned CBT, there are also things like solution focused therapy, gestalt, transactional analysis.
I have also heard good things about cold water swimming or taking up a sustainable hobby.
I have managed to come off my antidepressants since I started lifting weights.