Recovering from surgery and a lost Pregnancy, a bit lost..

cateyedkp

...as odd as it is, it's easier to talk in a non-personal place like this, I'm typing instead of 'talking' and talking is more painful for some odd reason. I feel a bit like a train wreck at the moment - and know I am eating stuff - kind of in a self destructive way. i.e., choosing junk even when I don't want it and/or know it will make me feel like crap. It kind of takes my mind off the other pain...

Part of me is soo ready to just start eating better, calorie counting or no, I am just ready for my foods that made me feel good - and lately I haven't been eating those. I suppose that's a bit of a eureka moment for me? Instead of eating crap and wanting to down spiral into old habits, I'm eating crap and realizing I want to get out of this hole and back to the life I had. Just need to get there.

Sigh. I am sending you the biggest interwebs-hug I can right now. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

I'm in a very similar boat. I found out I had a "partial molar pregnancy" 6 weeks ago at my first prenatal appointment (almost 12 weeks along). It's a fluke where one egg is fertilized by two sperm at the same time. I had never heard of it. Basically a baby had started to form, but since it had too many chromosomes, it turned into a rapidly growing tumor- that in rare cases can become cancerous.

I had surgery that Friday, and I've been having blood drawn every week to make sure my hCG level makes it down to zero (if the levels started going up again or stop dropping, it would mean they missed some tumor cells and I'd have to have chemo). I'm almost at zero now, but the whole thing has been really...hard. Once I hit zero, I have to get blood drawn monthly for 6 months, and we have to wait at least that long before trying again. You described yourself as a "train wreck"- that's the exact phrase I've been using too. I'm up, I'm down, I'm all over the place- you aren't alone in feeling this way.

Like you, I found it much easier to talk about on the internet. I belong to a couple of really supportive private forums online, and they were amazing in the days right after the surgery. I ended up deciding to "go public" about it on my blog/FB. It was too tiring either having to tell people over and over in person, or pretending to be fine. I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders after I posted about it. My husband was relieved too.

As for coping, I started the same as you- mindlessly eating to cope. That lasted for about a week after the surgery (while I was healing) and then I forcibly switched my green light to healthy mode. I felt frustrated and physically uncomfortable at this weight, so that's been all I've been focusing on. I've had to drag myself kicking and screaming into my workouts, but I'm channeling my sadness and stress into my workouts and cooking/eating great food. I've dropped 8.2 lbs in just over 4 weeks, and I feel physically much stronger than I did. For me- this is a marathon and not a sprint. When we get cleared to try to get pregnant again in 6 months or so, I want to be able to run and exercise. Emotionally, I'm still struggling, but I think the endorphins from exercising must be helping in some way.

You said it yourself, you are ready to eat food that is good- throw yourself into it and focus your mind on that. Don't even count calories right now, just eat good food. Make a deal with yourself to only put healthful things in your body. Once you start eating more consciously, you might find in a few days that you are ready to log how much you are eating. And if you feel up to it, even if you just get a teeny whim, make yourself go for a walk. Get moving somehow, some way. All you can focus on is today. Eat good food today. Move around today. If you mess up today, no worries- you'll have a new day in the morning. And before you know it, a few weeks will have passed, and you might feel a little bit healthier.

Huge hugs to you- I hope you start to feel better soon

bluestarlight19

I'm so sorry for your loss. Lost and lots of hugs.
Just grieve, and don't be afraid to talk about it even if you end up crying. Its a release, don't hide the pain, especially from your husband. Do what you can for now to get through it. Don't rush to get pregnant again if you don't feel up to it. Just relax, take your time and heal. Do what you need to do to get through it.
Also, as to the nausea/ food cravings....was it constant? Like so bad that you could barely eat or only eat certain things? If so you might want to look into hyperemisis. I had that...it means meds (pepcid, vit b6, unisom, zofran), constant crippling nausea and being sick 10+ times/day until I hit 20 weeks. Food aversions continued until the day after I gave birth. And it was the same for both pregnancies. Just so you know...even though it can be very very rough, just eat what your body tells you to, especially in the beginning, just go with the cravings and avoid the aversions (for my first it was salads weirdly and for my second I couldn't even look at a banana without being sick). Oh and gummy prenatal vitamins are awesome! I was so sick I actually lost 25lbs 1st tri and after I gave birth was 30lbs under my pre-preg weight.