Not letting grief derail my progress. At least, I'm trying.

vegaslounge

I really wish that I was one of those types who lost their appetite during traumatic events. I remember when my first dog died, I didn't eat for 3 days straight (I was 9 years old at the time).

Now I'm 32 and my mother is going through end-stage cancer. This is not a bolt from the blue, she's been Stage IV for ~10 years. But in literally the last two weeks she's become completely bedbound, practically paralyzed, and came home to home-hospice care. It's been a rough Goddamn month, to say the least. I've cycled through the Kübler-Ross phases about 18000 times since she came home Thursday and the chaos, the sheer surrealism of it all is just so overwhelming.

Dad and I have a good support system– I've moved back in with them (no biggie, my apartment is literally 5 minutes drive from the house), my boyfriend has been around to help walk the dogs, my best friend hopped a red-eye from LA to my little pocket of SE Georgia within 2 hours of me telling her at 11pm Pacific. My older brothers are flying in from overseas and I have the best coworkers ever (my supervisor's boyfriend is an oncology nurse, so she understands exactly what's happening).

Still...this effing sucks big, brass donkey balls. And it seems like such a minor thing to concern myself over, but I'm still trying my damnedest to not let this derail my weight loss. I'm 15lb to goal and I don't want to give into the temptation to just say "feck it". I brought my kitchen scale to their house, I'm logging as honestly as I can, I'm trying to get my 10,000 steps in. It sounds and feels so insignificant but I know it isn't. Mom's really thrilled about my loss and I know she doesn't want this whole "dying" crap to interrupt my life (she's an awesomely ornery Southern broad and "just want(s) this sh¡t to get over with").

I'm not sure why I'm posting this, other than...this is a damn trying time and just when I've started getting so close to goal. It feels like selfishness, that I'm trying to keep my "eye on the prize" when there is just SO MUCH ELSE important swirling around right now. Is it a feeling of guilt? I don't know. I guess it's like a form of...not anorexia (trust me, I want to eat ALL the things right now) but sticking to my calorie and exercise logging is just something I can control.

I'm sure there are other MFPals that have undergone this. I guess I'm just reaching out to them.

For the record, it's hilarious what Mom is craving now that she doesn't give a crap about organics or non-GMO food. In my 32 years we've never had Cheetos in the house. For whatever reason, Cheetos were verboten in my family. Last night I came home from work and there were three bags on the kitchen counter along with chocolate, Popsicles and guacamole. Turns out Mom has a stoner palate.

~Z

fitoverfortymom

Not sure I can offer much other than I lost my mom at age 67 to COPD in 2012 and the grief was something I couldn't ever have imagined. I honestly don't know how people go on living after they lose children, because losing a parent sucked all but the last of my life out of me.

At least you understand that what you are going through is grief. Are you still trying to lose weight or are you maintaining?

Perhaps eat at maintenance or the smallest deficit. I also find comfort in logging, so I'd say keep doing that, but make sure you give yourself a little leeway and by no means punish yourself if you're not perfect.

HippySkoppy

You are absolutely right, it sucks balls and badly at that.

Totally been there with my Mum. She too was a tough Lady who managed to survive for 5 months after Dr's gave her a week. It was a back handed blessing though, she got mean (er) and that made all the 24/7 of caring, cleaning, rubbing, feeding bloody traumatic let alone trying to be diplomatic and caring as I fought to wrest the bed controller off of her before she hit the next visitor in the face.

I too sought out pockets of reality where bits and pieces of the World still made sense and I could feel like I had some control as it was chaos everywhere I looked. If counting calories give you any peace I say Go for it. Be there for yourself for 10 mins of the day exclusively, not only do you deserve it you need it. Try to keep going with any exercise or even just getting away for 10 mins several times a day can keep you on the right side of sanity. (I wish I had done this looking back, cause damn after the funeral I was a mess...

Being there for your Mum and Dad is a precious gift. There were moments of hilarity with Mum. The chances to remember childhoods with siblings and your parents are so special because pretense is stripped away. The raw moments are painful but exquisite and you will remember them forever.

I send you and your Mum, Dad and siblings so much respect and care.

TorStar80

I’m sure just about everything is tied together somewhere, wanting to make her proud, wanting to maintain some control in the chaos, wanting to feel good about something... and I don’t think any of it is wrong or guilt worthy. You and your family are going through a terrible thing, hopefully in ones life there aren’t too many times like this but be gentle with yourself. *hug* if this were your best friend pouring their heart out and saying the same thing, what advice would you give her?

vegaslounge

fitoverfortymom wrote: »

Not sure I can offer much other than I lost my mom at age 67 to COPD in 2012 and the grief was something I couldn't ever have imagined. I honestly don't know how people go on living after they lose children, because losing a parent sucked all but the last of my life out of me.

I'm reminded of a movie quote where they said there's a word for a child who loses their parents, or a man or woman who loses their spouse, but there's no word for a parent that loses a child because the idea is too awful to think about.

fitoverfortymom wrote: »

At least you understand that what you are going through is grief. Are you still trying to lose weight or are you maintaining?

I'm still trying to lose. I'm ~15lb from goal– 160lb to 145. (I would like to lose an additional 5 on that as buffer; I'm 5'6" so that's not unreasonable). I'm so close that I can't give up, I don't want to give up, and I and my mother would be pissed as Hell if I DID give up. Logging IS comforting, weirdly, it's some kind of structure at least. I always stress-ate and that's been my default "comfort mechanism". But, I don't want it to be. I can't let it get the best of me, like I said, this is something I can control and I'm not letting that go. That actually sounds so ana-triggering but like I said, it's really not. I "tried" anorexia for awhile when I was younger and just don't have the mindset to do that. I just want things to be normal, whatever normal might be right now.

~Z

rheddmobile

I don't think you're selfish. Any way you can manage this is the right way, there's no wrong way to grieve. I remember when my dad was in his final illness and they sent him home, and I was thinking optimistic thoughts like, hey, this part will be easier, at least he'll be at home, we won't have to drive to the hospital anymore, right? And this still small voice in my head said to me, nope, this is going to be the hardest thing you've ever done, just thought you should know that on the front end. And it was, it was so damn hard, and so exhausting, more exhausting than I ever would have guessed. Unlike you I did not take good care of myself. But I got through it and you will too.

Just wanted to say I wish you strength and many moments of unexpected hilarity and shared love.

iamthemotherofdogs

Hi!

You don't know me, and I admit I didn't read all of your post.

I couldn't. I know my limits.

I'm Dee, and I have been in your shoes. I lost my Dad in 2015 to stage 4, metastatic pancreatic cancer. He was sick for 9 months before he finally took his final rest. It was the most stressful, painful time of my life. My grief HAS derailed me SO MUCH.

I'm sorry youre going through this. Please, feel free to add me and let me encourage you however I can.

Hugs from a stranger.

vegaslounge

rheddmobile wrote: »

I remember when my dad was in his final illness and they sent him home, and I was thinking optimistic thoughts like, hey, this part will be easier, at least he'll be at home, we won't have to drive to the hospital anymore, right? And this still small voice in my head said to me, nope, this is going to be the hardest thing you've ever done, just thought you should know that on the front end. And it was, it was so damn hard, and so exhausting, more exhausting than I ever would have guessed. Unlike you I did not take good care of myself. But I got through it and you will too.

Just wanted to say I wish you strength and many moments of unexpected hilarity and shared love.

It is exhausting. More than I'd thought it would be. I'm sleeping fine, but just collapse at like 8pm due to, I guess, the mental strain. I think the worst part (well, I say that now) is the waiting, that 'optimism'. We all know how this story is going to end, and honestly Mom's pissed that it hasn't ended already. She's more than ready to go and so weirdly that's made it a lot easier for the rest of us. It sucks now, and it's really going to suck for a long while when it ends, but we're all prepared (at least Mom, Dad and I, my brothers aren't coming for another couple weeks so we'll see how that goes). My best friend has been an absolute rock, she's my "sister-from-another-mister" and God, she will never know how much we appreciate her being here during this transition from hospital to home. She's actually stayed behind with Mom and the nurse today so I could go back to my apartment and just be alone for an afternoon.

It's such a weird thing, that, because Mom really does want to get this over and done with and it's frustrating the Hell out of her that she's...not getting better, but she feels hungry and alert and she keeps saying, "where's this 'Wow!' that @sshole Steve Jobs talked about?"

vegaslounge

TorStar80 wrote: »

if this were your best friend pouring their heart out and saying the same thing, what advice would you give her?

Probably what my own best friend is doing with me..."this fecking sucks" crying and hugging, then helping change Mom's diaper before playing Tetris and binge-watching "Ash vs. Evil Dead" with me.

I wanted to say, your profile pic looks like Natalie Merchant's "Tigerlily" album, one of the first CDs I remember Mom buying. Gave me a weird amount of "ain't that a coincidence?" chuckle.



~Z

callsitlikeiseeit

(((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

thats all i have to offer, sweetie

malioumba

Your support system is amazing...



I often worry about what will happen with me once my mother and father pass. I'm 25, and I love them so very much, often to the point where I find myself crying thinking about them. I don't have love outside the circle of my beautiful parents, and I can't imagine where I'd be every Christmas without them. Life is lonely now; I can't imagine what it will be afterwards.

I'm sorry you're going through that. Grief is unbearable. I'm sorry.

vegaslounge

callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »

(((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

thats all i have to offer, sweetie

It's more than enough. Thank you.

bisky

I have lost both parents and it is hard. Nothing ever replaces the parent child relationships. I was an oncology nurse for a few years and have worked part time hospice. Be gentle with yourself during this time. It you want to stay on plan there is nothing wrong with that. Eating healthy is one of the best things you can do for your body during this very stressful time. Another hug.

mygrl4meee

I am sorry that your about to lose your mom. keep counting calories and take little time for you. i hope you have help at home. i take care of the elderly. I wonder if its typical for ppl to experience short burst of hunger and energy before there health fails and they refuse food and drink. i dont have much hospice experience for the most part.

TorStar80

vegaslounge wrote: »

TorStar80 wrote: »

if this were your best friend pouring their heart out and saying the same thing, what advice would you give her?

Probably what my own best friend is doing with me..."this fecking sucks" crying and hugging, then helping change Mom's diaper before playing Tetris and binge-watching "Ash vs. Evil Dead" with me.

I wanted to say, your profile pic looks like Natalie Merchant's "Tigerlily" album, one of the first CDs I remember Mom buying. Gave me a weird amount of "ain't that a coincidence?" chuckle.



~Z

I have never seen that album! That’s kind of freaky actually :)
It sounds like you have a damn amazing best friend.

Psychgrrl

I'm really sorry about your mom.

My mom has Alzheimer's. To be honest, I sometimes wish it was cancer as I think seeing her body fail would be easier on her than losing her mind. She has flashes of memory and gets so frustrated. She was Mensa smart and now there's nothing there. She doesn't remember me, so although I am her POA I don't visit as it upsets her to realize she's forgotten someone she should remember. She still has enough sense to know people don't come to see her unless they know her.

I think I can relate. Alzheimer's and dementia are long-haul diseases. There have been a lot of adjustments to the process. It has been incredibly stressful. Just trying to get her care. She couldn't remember to eat, but she could still answer all the questions correctly and pass the cognitive tests by the neurologist.

It would have been easy to eat my feelings and take the stress out on myself/my body. My rationale is, why? What good will it do me? What will it change? None and nothing. Taking care of myself made it easier to weather the process. Eating (mostly) healthy, exercising and getting enough sleep gave me the energy and strength to get through the times when things were incredibly tense and painful.

Overeating and punishing your body for the sadness and powerlessness you feel will likely only amplify those feelings as you'll end up feeling more out of control. Can you find a couple substitutions for things you're especially tempted by? I like "Enlightened" ice cream. Like Halo Top, but even better. I also like dark chocolate sweetened with stevia instead of sugar so it has less calories. Lily's and Coco Polo are two good brands.

What would your mom want for you? Would she want you to take care of yourself or stop your progress? How would she feel if she knew her illness was having this affect on you.

Please take care of yourself! That includes not beating yourself up if you indulge. You're human, it happens and nobody is perfect all the time. What would the point of that be? Some foods/meals are just worth it (hello, pizza I had yesterday!). Just please think twice before you punish your own body for what your mom's is doing to her.

NR81206

I just want to say, I'm really sorry about your mom, take this time to enjoy what time you have with her.. I can't help with the emotional eating part, that's how I got to my highest weight by watching the 2 people I loved the most suffer and pass away 5 years apart from each other. I gained 25lb in 68 days while in ICU taking care of my loved one.. I think from drinking high calorie drinks like soda and Starbucks coffee to keep me awake for 24-40 hours a day. Anyways, keep your head up, keep your faith and if you slip, nobody will judge.. this is a hard time.

kgb6days

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Losing my mom was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. Just keep taking it one day at a time, doing what you can and don't be too hard on yourself. I lost my 3 family members in one week this August, and I've gained 8 lbs since. I'm eating comfort foods (i.e. sugar, ice cream) and haven't been able to pull myself out of my funk enough to run or get any exercise. However, I have been on this site every day so it reminds me what I should be doing. If you do gain a little, just dust yourself off and get back on it when you can. Just don't lose touch with this community. Hugs and prayers

Lillymoo01

I too have also been in your shoes, watching my mother die of cancer. I understand your need to continue with your weight loss goal at the moment. I also lost my daughter suddenly and since then I have been so mindful of what I eat and the exercise I do.

Why?

Because all around me the world is spinning out of control. I don't know which way is up a lot of the time. What I eat and how much I exercise is the one area of my life where I have control.

My advise is to be gentle on yourself. Do what you have to do to get through this difficult time because it isn't easy and isn’t going to get easier any time soon. If that is to continue striving towards your weight loss goal then do it, without the guilt. The fitter and healthier you are the easier it will be physically and emotionally to deal with this roller-coaster ride. That and a good workout can do wonders for your emotions. On the other side of the coin, if you do find yourself putting on a bit of weight then that is ok. If you are so overwhelmed that you can't get out of bed at times, that is ok. There is plenty of time for you to get back on track down the path.

vegaslounge

rheddmobile wrote: »

Just wanted to say I wish you strength and many moments of unexpected hilarity and shared love.

I wanted to add, because I've actually found this hilarious and there's precious little hilarity in my life right now:

Mom's an old hippie. I knew how to cook lentils and brown rice by the time I was 12 years old. Roman Meal was the only store-bought bread allowed in our house growing up. For the last 10+ years, throughout her illness, she's been all about organics, non-GMO, BPA-free, etc etc etc. Coffee has to be made in a French press because plastic and heat should not mix Mr. Coffee style, all pots and pans must be stainless steel, pasta water must be from the Britta filter, and triple-washed organic spinach must be washed an additional time before we can eat it.

Since coming home for hospice care, Mom's basically said "y'know what, screw it". I've bought more full-sugar Cokes, fruit cocktail with extra cherries, Popsicles, and Cheetos than I did living in my art-school college dorm. The Cheetos really gets me. Cheetos were verboten in my house. If I ate some at a birthday party I felt guilty for days. It was like they were dipped in radium instead of cornstarch. Granted, I've never actually liked Cheetos, but it was still like, "you mean we could have bought these 30 years ago?!"

If she starts asking for Pop-Tarts, I'm...still going to buy them, but I'm still going to carry a sense of righteous indignation about it. (Granted, I only ate Pop-Tarts once as a kid, and I didn't like them, but still...)

HonuNui

My son, my only child, died of cancer in April of this year. He died 1 hour before I arrived to say...goodbye. The five days there before his wake were horrible of course....but we all coped in our own way. My DIL played bingo with her family (who are Vegas/Reno residents and that is part of their lifestyle). I ran every day....long runs in the hills (and COLD compared to home). DH slept. A lot. Sticking with my routine certainly helped me cope, as did DIL and DH's help them cope.
My son's very supportive community brought tons of food and drink, and I indulged. And ran.
Still...this effing sucks big, brass donkey balls. And it seems like such a minor thing to concern myself over, but I'm still trying my damnedest to not let this derail my weight loss.

There is (should be) no guilt for taking care of yourself....and it can really help your mental state during what is a sucky time.

pbbananacoffeechocolate

I'm so sorry. My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer this year and is in the midst of chemo. We are in the early stages, but it really does put everything in perspective. Makes me realize how very loved and essential my mom is to me and my husband and kids. As mom/grandma, she's the glue that holds our family together.

For me, healthy eating helps me to cope because it makes me feel better physically, it is one step I can take to reduce my risk of getting cancer, too, and it is something that is actually in my control.

Much love to you and your family.

Tacklewasher

Nothing I could possibly add. I lost my mom ~2.5 years ago to cancer. She fought 3 years but it still sucks.

Very sorry for everyone who goes through this.