Manager hints that I'm big
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As a department head overseeing 13 managers and 200 employees this is unacceptable. But it is hard to do more than talk with the manager for hints. This may make your situation worse going over their head. You need to say something to them, calmly and respectfully. Which I know is hard, considering this should not even be a issue if you were 200 lbs over weight. But I would start there. Also it would make my job easier if people would download a app on their phone and record the conversation. Seems extreme I know but otherwise it's a he said she said thing. HR comes to me often with employee complaints and it is not as cut and dry as some make it appear. Without a witness or them harassing you through email I usually just switch them to report to a new supervisor. I have to protect my company from lawsuits from both parties. Good luck5
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Unless this is a repeated behavior, I'm guessing it was just a misinterpretation on your part. Trust me when I say that those of us concerned about our weight tend to have a one-track mind such that it's easy for us to assume that everybody else cares about how we look.
Don't do anything for now, see if it happens again. If it does, then either ask her not to make those comments (if her intent was not malicious), or call her out on it and go straight to HR (if her intent was malicious).0 -
I'm in the: be polite but straightforward about it. Since you have a good relationship otherwise, one would hope she would be receptive to a calm request not to make comments about your appearance. Even if she's been really vague about it, you could always say something like "I've been feeling uncomfortable with some of your comments that seem to reference my weight. Could you please avoid making those kinds of comments in the future?" Or bring it up when she makes a comment you're uncomfortable about. Most people dance around things that bother them so much that the other person (who might not even be acting maliciously) never realizes there's a problem. You can certainly bring it up without making it a big deal, but you need to be clear about what you want.1
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I think my reaction would be to ask if she's drunk.3
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tinkerbellang83 wrote: »AlienDuchess wrote: »Report it to hr as harassment
That's a bit of a stretch from "hinting at" to harassment, especially if OP and her manager have an otherwise good relationship per her post.
It depends on where you live and/or work. We have to attend 'sensitivity training' yearly at my job and they tell us that mentioning someone's weight at all, in a positive, neutral or negative way can be considered harassment. Actually even telling then they are pretty can be harassment. Any mention of a person's appearance can be harassment. People still do it, though.3 -
I am reminded of a time when I was starting a job and as my supervisor introduced me around, she said "the people in the next department have all worked together for a long time and know each other really well. Some of them are huggers. If you don't want to be hugged, it's okay. But you're a big girl and I'm sure you can handle it yourself without me saying so." Was that a dig about my weight? No. It was her saying she expected an adult to speak up when necessary. So once again, I am still wondering what exactly the OP's manager is saying.8
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Does your job have appearance requirements?0
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Bring in some 25 lb dumbbells and challenge her to a squat-off.5
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Here's a thought. Smile and confidently say, "Thank you. My doctor and I are both happy that this new, more normal weight has me feeling better but I'd really rather you don't mention it at work." That oughtta fix her wagon.4
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TavistockToad wrote: »i would respond with 'its funny, i was thinking the same about you....' see how that works :laugh:
Noooo, that's not me. Plus she knows it
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jennifer_417 wrote: »I'm curious to know exactly what was said. It's hard to know how to respond without a bit more info, tbh.
Yeah, that's the thing... I honestly forgot what she said to be honest. I know I replied once that I'm very happy with my weight and would not want to lose anything. Thus while I forgot what exactly she said, the fact that she said it really annoys me and makes me very insecure.3 -
tinkerbellang83 wrote: »Right. My manager has been hinting a few times that I look a bit chubby. And I don't know how to react to that. I know I don't look as thin as I am (see below), but.. it's just a wrong comment to make and I don't know how to react to it. I could tell her to shut up, but that's not me and we otherwise have a good relationship. Any idea other than ignoring it should she hint again?
I'm not fat. My BMI is 21 and I'm maintaining. There was a time, when I started this job where I was about 4-6kg lighter. I'm happy at my current weight as my blood pressure was so low at the lower weight that I could not stand up without nearly fainting. Plus I looked far too bony, and my face looked even unhealthier slim that now. However, I'm not very tall but have very wide shoulders and hips. I carry might weight on my thighs and bum but I have a very slim belly (I used to have a sixpack at the lower weight), which you don't see as it's always cold here and I tend to wear warm, wider clothes.
It's fairly inappropriate for your manager to be commenting on your weight at all was there some reason that it came up in conversation? At BMI 21 you are far from chubby. Perhaps if she makes the comment again, you can tell her that her comment is making you uncomfortable and hope that an informal chat can resolve it.
I know. It's not a normal manager/subordinate work relationship. I do my own work and she keeps an eye on everything (research, basically). But it also means that I cannot simply change manager as my research depends on her, and the same with me going to conferences.
And why it came up? Not sure, just out of nowhere, just chatting about the coming weekend and other unimportant things, really.
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If it's happened "a few times" it will happen again.
Time to confront your manager (calmly) and tell her in a polite but assertive way to keep her beak out of things that don't concern her.
If she doesn't back off then tell your manager's manager and/or HR. In writing.
Don't be a door mat or people will wipe their feet on you!
Yeah, of course not. There's just not a manager above as such. Structures here are somewhat different. I hope I'm a bit more confident next time she hints.0 -
WorkerDrone83 wrote: »Hmm. Yeah, you could be reading into things that aren't really there if you tend to get defensive about your weight. Congrats on losing 4-6kg and maintaining, btw.
My other thought was that maybe she's feeling threatened by you and that's why she's taking digs.
Thanks. Ehmm.. but I am 4-6 heavier than at my lowest. I thought it was too low
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I find long, blank, expressionless stares to be helpful when people are being ridiculous. It makes them uncomfortable and they generally never bring THAT topic up again.5
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How chubby or not, is your manager? Perhaps she's jealous.0
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Since you've forgotten the exact words I'd just let it go. If it happens again, pay attention to what she says exactly and determine her intent (if possible) before responding or getting upset. Ask her calmly and unemotionally for clarification if needed. Proceed from there.
While body size of others is not an appropriate topic of conversation, sometimes when people see us change physically (whether larger or smaller) they comment just out of observation and not judgement.8 -
And why it came up? Not sure, just out of nowhere, just chatting about the coming weekend and other unimportant things, really.
Without an exact transcript of the conversation and some indication of tone of voice, body language, etc. it's impossible for anyone else to comment on what your manager said or (more importantly) what her intentions were. It could be a misplaced attempt at humor; a misplaced attempt at being helpful; insufficient personal boundaries on her part; a misunderstanding on her part of the closeness of the relationship; a misinterpretation of what she said on your part (or simple bad choice of words).
A former coworker used to call me old man and I found it annoying, but let it go because I knew him well enough to know that it was his way of joking around. Some battles aren't worth fighting -- and unless you have a frank conversation with your manager, you may never know what the intention was. We all bring baggage to a conversation -- you may know what yours is, but you don't know what your manager has in her baggage.7
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