self esteem help

JLPadron86

I don't know where to start, but I know I need to get down to the bottom of the emotional issues that got me to where I am now. I have always thought I wasn't good enough or that every one else had something that I didn't. It has been so easy to hide behind my weight, because what if I lose the weight and still nobody loves me? I have constantly second guessed that boyfriend of seven years can love me. Even though his actions show that he does love me. Right now I am a stay at home mom, and Chris works in amazing job with an amazing income , we have a nice three bedroom home we share, and everything else is perfect! I have been self sabotaging things to the point that Chris is almost done with this. I picked little fights over stupid things. Now my relationship is in such a vulnerable position, and I don't know what to do. I'm going to therapy starting November 7th. I'm not good at giving space. When Chris is upset with all I want to fix is it NOW, and I don't let up. I have so many things I need to do besides lose the weight. I need to work on my low self esteem, and low self worth. I need to learn to love myself despite my weight, because my weight does not define me. I guess writing this is just the tip of my issues. I always compare what we have to others and wonder if what we have is "normal". Is this how a normal family acts etc. I need some help and encouragement. I think this is just the beginning for me. I would also hear if anyone else feels similar or been though some of the same things.
Chris is very upset with me today and I really had to push to not get down and just focus more on my diet that is why I worked out longer today. I can't control how others feel or there actions, but I can control how I react. I'm trying to take a step back and work on me, and give him the space needed no matter how hard it is. I have been so focused on marriage and if Chris proposes to me or wants to marry me that he loves me. I'm so focused on it I'm messing everything up. He has wanted to propose many times, and then I self sabotage it. I'm jealous of every one who is married and I am even jealous of his ex wife, because she was hood enough to marry. Who is jealous of an ex, because the point is he no longer with her. We have a family together and I'm on the brink of messing everything up. I really hope I haven't realized this too late. Every other day for a while has been an argument over nothing. Thank you team slimsons for reading. Everything else in the month of October has been so generic what I write, but I am finally trying to get down to the bottom of things. Please help needed any response is very appreciated.

MichelleSilverleaf

You made the right choice with therapy, that's a positive first step. I really believe that when the issues are around low self worth as well as self-esteem that it can be helpful to have that impartial outside party to help you work through it. I can definitely relate to those feelings. Learning to love yourself is HARD, and when you don't love yourself it can be hard to understand why anyone else would. Changing that mindset takes time and effort and some days are harder than others. Therapy will hopefully help you pinpoint where those feelings had stemmed from, and you can start working from there.

You can think of it all this way; if you take care of yourself, you're in a good position to take care of others around you. Does Chris know about your upcoming appointment?

JLPadron86

MichelleSilverleaf wrote: »

You made the right choice with therapy, that's a positive first step. I really believe that when the issues are around low self worth as well as self-esteem that it can be helpful to have that impartial outside party to help you work through it. I can definitely relate to those feelings. Learning to love yourself is HARD, and when you don't love yourself it can be hard to understand why anyone else would. Changing that mindset takes time and effort and some days are harder than others. Therapy will hopefully help you pinpoint where those feelings had stemmed from, and you can start working from there.

You can think of it all this way; if you take care of yourself, you're in a good position to take care of others around you. Does Chris know about your upcoming appointment?

Yes he does know about the appointment. He is the one that wanted me to go to it. He has mentioned therapy many times over the years, but now I think I'm ready for the change. Thank you so much the response.

ghudson92

Hi OP, I am sorry to hear you have been having a rough time, but I applaud you for being brave enough to share with others. I have self esteem issues too, and I know how it can impact on a relationship. The above poster has pretty much said it all, I just wanted to reply to let you know you are not alone.
A quote that has always helped me is "comparison is the thief of joy"... other couples may present a happy exterior but I guarantee that 100% of them have arguments, the perfect couple does not exist so you should try and put that ideal out of your mind and focus on what you DO have. Which is someone who sees you for who you are and who wants to be with you and to help you get better, that's an amazing thing to have.
As has already been said, self love is such a difficult thing to cultivate, and I really hope you achieve it. Going to therapy is a great move, I hope it helps you to identify where that self doubt comes from and most importantly helps you to crush that self doubt forever!

JLPadron86

georgyporcupine wrote: »

Hi OP, I am sorry to hear you have been having a rough time, but I applaud you for being brave enough to share with others. I have self esteem issues too, and I know how it can impact on a relationship. The above poster has pretty much said it all, I just wanted to reply to let you know you are not alone.
A quote that has always helped me is "comparison is the thief of joy"... other couples may present a happy exterior but I guarantee that 100% of them have arguments, the perfect couple does not exist so you should try and put that ideal out of your mind and focus on what you DO have. Which is someone who sees you for who you are and who wants to be with you and to help you get better, that's an amazing thing to have.
As has already been said, self love is such a difficult thing to cultivate, and I really hope you achieve it. Going to therapy is a great move, I hope it helps you to identify where that self doubt comes from and most importantly helps you to crush that self doubt forever!

Thank you so much the response it's great to know I'm not alone, sometimes when going through things you feel like a freak or there's something wrong with you for feeling the way you do. I have felt this way for as long as I can remember, so it will be hard, but very worth it to finally be free of these feelings.

MoonriverDreamer

I've never been married and, like you, I spent too much time in the past looking around at others and comparing my life to theirs -- wondering "what is wrong with me" and being so suspicious of those I was involved with. I have not been in a relationship in over 30 years . . . I attributed it all to being overweight. It's hard to work hard at losing weight when your emotions feel battered. But I finally decided that I can be happy even without a relationship. If it happens, it happens. I congratulate you on taking these steps while you're still young. As you said, if you can't love yourself it's hard to completely love someone else. I look back on past relationships and realize I didn't have a clue what real love was. I have asked a number of women I've known over the years and they all said marriage is hard work -- you have to communicate and let the other know how you feel without being accusatory. One of my sisters is crazy in love with her husband (I never saw her face light up as it does when he's around). But her feelings get hurt sometimes and she used to fight or shut down -- fortunately, her husband loves her enough not to let her do that. He insists on talking it out and won't let it go until she does. While it annoyed her at first, she came to love him for that and they have always had a super relationship. Also, I've learned that the "happy couple" you see on facebook isn't always as it appears. Most people want to put their best face forward. But they have fights and insecurities like everybody. It sounds like your boyfriend is very patient and has loved you enough to stick with it for seven years. But take him seriously about the therapy, because everyone has their limits. He has not walked out on you. He just wants the two of you to be happy. Don't compare your relationship with others because you never know the whole story.

xkitxkatxkaix

OP, repeat after me; I am brave, I am worthy, I am beautiful and I am loved.

A simple sentence to some; a teary eyed dwelling of pain that makes you choke on the words for others. You and I seem to be two peas in a pod. Although I've never dared say the words out loud, I always have that thought in the back of my mind that my boyfriend would find his ex more attractive than me (I'll be real, she was a babe!) and go back even though she had many issues and he's 10x more put together now and I know it would never happen, doesn't change the fact that the thought it still there. Especially when I'm staring at frumpy old person in the mirror.

I think that you are wonderfully brave for coming out and saying that you need support and you need words of encouragement. I know for a long time I just figured hiding in my own self pity would eventually fix and correct itself on its own. Lo' and behold, here I am, close to 100lbs heavier than when I first hopped onto MFP.

You have my fullest amount of support, if you ever need to talk feel free to message me okay? This is a long road and it is going to be a struggle. Support and encouragement is always needed.
I hope you're having a better day today my friend!

davidylin

Build.

One thing that self-esteem, relationships, and everything else has in your life is that they can all be built. You can take action to build each and every component of your life. You can build your self-esteem by taking actions to construct a solid foundation in your life. You can build your relationships by giving patience, withholding judgement, and saying a kind word here and there.

You're already taking a step to build yourself by coming to this community to ask for advice and to get out of your own head. You're building your ideas. You're building your resources. You're building right now.

Life is a grind, get up and get to work!

maggibailey

For years I thought I was too loud, and too big, and too excited, and too opinionated to be worthy of love. It took a long time and a lot of self discovery and a divorce for me to learn that I am in fact perfectly me. Go to therapy but not with the focus being saving your relationship. Let the focus be knowing yourself. It can be exhausting for a significant other to be responsible for telling you your worth all the time. You have to know it yourself and counseling is an amazing place to start.