Rude comments from "friend" and finally getting it out!

MamaJess

Be thankful that she is only a friend and not someone that lives in your home with you. But no you are not being too sensitive it sounds like she is being a rude B$%^h! Put that foot down and don't take it from her anymore. I always do my workouts before the chickens get up or after the night owls have gone to sleep. My kids of all the people in the world make fun of me to the point that they make me cry when I try to work out in front of them. My oldest is the worst. She gets her good jeans from her dad. she is 10 5 ft and about 85 pounds. She is gorgeous and she never lets anyone forget that she is far more beautiful than the rest of us. My husband trys to be supportive but he is a couch potato and doesn't like to eat anything healthy. I even try to cook different meals for him and than kids than I do myself and they just yell at me for making me something different. They think I am being snotty and stuck up. However, i have tried to cook healthy meals for all of us and none of them eat and I end up having to throw food away and making them something different anyhow. BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY I FEEL YOUR PAIN AND FRUSTRATION. Good luck on your journey.

FormerJerseygirl

She's a "frenemy"--I know someone just like her!

Butterflys

When i read this first thing that stood out was she is jealous!
You have three little ones who just love you no matter how you look!
PLUS your married.

It seems strange to be meeting her beau & new place all in the same moment.
Wouldn't you be meeting this new man like ages ago before they move inn ?

It's really hard to advocate for yourself especially as she got moved into a family position instead of a friend.
I think it's humane nature to take more subtle put downs & plain out verbal abusive from our family.
Look at it this way she is giving you an opportunity to stand up for yourself!

I liked what some one said write then wait an hour.
I would only do this face to face.
This behavior has established it self in the relationship.

I would say things like have you noticed your the only one laughing!
A joke is when we all find it funny but to roast some one is just a cheap shot !

When someone does that type of behavior they are not happy in there life.
BUT IT"S NOT OKAY to let them either.

When you first start correcting her it will be uncomfortable for you both.
Now if it was one of your children you would have no problems correcting them.

But she is not a mind reader & is unaware that her comments are hurtful.
Keep telling her & it will not feel good but its what you do as it will benefit you both.

What your learning is to respect yourself well done & now your learning to see you matter.
Your advocating for yourself !!!

You might work through this and you may not.
All the best to you!

30togomoveit

The "rude comment" side of here I first noticed in all of these years was ironically, 11 yrs ago, when I was planning my wedding that she was in! Hmmmm....strangly ironic!

I have often thought she has been jealous of me (married, kids, house). She has mentioned wanting all of the above in the past.

Never met new BF before b/c they have been only together for 6 months and just moved in together a few weeks ago, in the new place.

Sorry to the person whose kids make fun of her while she works out. That is awful and I would NOT tolerate that! You are in charge there! I hope that gets better for you!

eriny

Wow! What a great friend! Who needs enemies with pals like that?

i agree

30togomoveit

I wish I could say all of this is not real and these things have not really been said to me but sadly, I am quoting her!

tradle

Wow, what an unbelievably rude 'friend'. It reminded me of the antics of a teenage girl. She sounds really insecure and yes, quite jealous of you. I'd say It makes her feel like a better person by putting you down. If the b/f was a decent person you would think that even he would have thought that rude and wonder what kind of friendship you have. Is she really that important to you? I think if it were me I'd tell her to take a hike. You really don't need people like that in your life. I know I wouldn't. I hope you have a happy ending with this one, no matter what you choose to do.

Good luck with your weight loss too.

arewethereyet

Yup...if the friendship is lost..at this point, I am ok w/ that! I have thought long and hard about it. I guess I just needed to get some opinions to see if I was being over sensitive (as I know I can be sometimes).

Thanks for the support everyone.

I do have many supportive friends. Unfortunately this one is not and she is toxic to me at this point!

It's sad at our age!

nope! I was your age when I dumped my BFF of 30+years! I have never missed her insults or the way she repeated what I told her in confidence in front of ppl to make me look bad.

dmvbnoslo

I know it's been a long term relationship, but she IS NOT A FRIEND. Distance yourself from her and find true friends. Why put up with the abuse, just because it's familiar?

arewethereyet

Yup...if the friendship is lost..at this point, I am ok w/ that! I have thought long and hard about it. I guess I just needed to get some opinions to see if I was being over sensitive (as I know I can be sometimes).

Thanks for the support everyone.

I do have many supportive friends. Unfortunately this one is not and she is toxic to me at this point!

It's sad at our age!

nope! I was your age when I dumped my BFF of 30+years! I have never missed her insults or the way she repeated what I told her in confidence in front of ppl to make me look bad.

My mom always said people do not change, and I believe her!

My 'friend' loved to repeat things I said. When I began working with her at the same office I finally got the nerve to speak with her. I took her outside and bought her a cup of coffee. I lovingly told her she was important in my life, and I loved her. I explained that she knows my entire life-good and bad-and I didn't want my new co-workers to know my business. I asked her to NOT discuss me at all in the office, so that we could continue to be friends. She of course denied she ever did that.............'I would NEVER betray your confidence! I cannot believe you would even SAY that!!!'

So I go back to my desk, not there 5 minutes when my other friend (who sat 5 cubies away from her) calls me, holds up the phone, and I can HEAR her in the background annoucing to whomever is listening(and the office mgr office was right there!) that
"Jeannie's husband must be drinking or she is losing her mind..............maybe she is depressed because her mother was so ill for so many years and now she needs therapy............a lot of therapy........." on and on and on she went...........blah blah blah...........

I thanked my friend for letting me know.

That was the last day I spoke with her. Never explained.

Do what you must but do not allow her to taint the good you are doing.

arewethereyet

I know it's been a long term relationship, but she IS NOT A FRIEND. Distance yourself from her and find true friends. Why put up with the abuse, just because it's familiar?

:drinker:

30togomoveit

WOW..what an unbelieveable amount of support on here! That is great. Makes me love this website even more. Mind you, I am not looking for a pity party here...I just want to make that clear. I have seen some sites that would "put that out there" that I'm trying to get sympathy. I am not. As mentioned before, just looking for objective opinions of someone not involved in the situation and validating to myself if I was over reacting or not!

THANK YOU!!! I am more than ready to go thru w/ this conversation/letter!

LainMac

I agree with most of the advice given above. Sure write the letter to her but don't send it. She'd just use it as fodder for a future attack.

I especially like arewethereyets concept of dropping her cold. No fanfare, no drama. (My guess is this chick luvs the drama).:indifferent:

She calls. You go "This isn't a good time now. Kid 1 needs me. Gotta go. Toodles." Each and every time she calls. If you've got call waiting, don't even answer.

If she emails, fake up a bouncing email message like this:

Mail Delivery Subsystem
Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently:

30togomoveit

Technical details of permanent failure:

Google tried to deliver your message, but it was rejected by the recipient domain. We recommend contacting the other email provider for further information about the cause of this error. The error that the other server returned was: 550 550 5.1.1 <30togomoveit >: Recipient address rejected: User unknown in virtual mailbox table (state 14).
===================================================================

Many women make the mistake of thinking longevity means more than it does. You have a hubby and kids and stuff to take care of. You need positive people in your life ~ helping you be the best you. This chick ain't one of those people.

EboniA

At first it's hard to dump a friend but in the end, you fill your time, energy, and emotion with more worthy things/people. My "friends" from high school actually dumped me and it was hard to figure out why. I think we went in different directions in life. I got a good job and they bounced from job to job making minimum wage. Whenever we went out, I had to drive AND pay. Once I started telling them I wouldn't pay anymore, they stopped wanting to hang out as much. Oh well. Catching up on Facebook years later proved that neither one of them amounted to much but they were still friends with each other. I guess it's true that you can outgrow people in your life. There nothing wrong with that and nothing wrong with you. :flowerforyou:

labreemike

she doesn't sound like much of a friend. Let her have it. good luck on your weight loss.

weaklink109

I agree with most of the advice given above. Sure write the letter to her but don't send it. She'd just use it as fodder for a future attack.

I especially like arewethereyets concept of dropping her cold. No fanfare, no drama. (My guess is this chick luvs the drama).:indifferent:

She calls. You go "This isn't a good time now. Kid 1 needs me. Gotta go. Toodles." Each and every time she calls. If you've got call waiting, don't even answer.

If she emails, fake up a bouncing email message like this:

Mail Delivery Subsystem
Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently:

30togomoveit

Technical details of permanent failure:

Google tried to deliver your message, but it was rejected by the recipient domain. We recommend contacting the other email provider for further information about the cause of this error. The error that the other server returned was: 550 550 5.1.1 <30togomoveit >: Recipient address rejected: User unknown in virtual mailbox table (state 14).
===================================================================

Many women make the mistake of thinking longevity means more than it does. You have a hubby and kids and stuff to take care of. You need positive people in your life ~ helping you be the best you. This chick ain't one of those people.

Dump her like a hot potato. I like the suggestions to get you off the phone. As for the email, you don't have to go through creating a phony message. Most email servers have the ability to "block" messages from a particular address, or even a particular domain. Just block her, and you won't have to worry about getting any emails.

I vote with those who say, don't waste your time explaining, just cut off contact. If you are ever in a situation where you have to explain yourself to her or someone else, you can simply say you found her comments to you in front of your kids were inappropriate and you chose not to subject your kids to that kind of behaviour.

Good luck.

BTW, brianjessica -- While your kids are young, give them an education in respect for others. Get your husband on board with the concept of "consequences" for in appropriate behaviour, and the next time they give you nonsense about what you are making for yourself, or give you grief about exercising, inform them they have earned themselves once week of eating what YOU want to eat instead of what they would like to eat, and let them know if they choose not to eat what is placed in front of them, they can experience hunger because you are not a short order cook!!!

katielouhoo

wow. i must say reading through the posts that we have a lot of caring people, and unfortunately 30togo your longtime friend is not one of them.
anyone who has ever struggled with their own weight and been uncomfortable about their body would be horrified to be on the receiving end of her joke with the stupid pig.
gosh, i found myself wondering how badly she would have slammed me when i started here last fall at 301 lbs. my current weight of 175 is closer to you, and though i still need to drop more weight, i never, never would have accepted anyone making a pig joke about me- even at my heaviest. that is just cruel.
and in front of your kids and the new bf (the bf that one would hope she wanted to like you).
nope, not caring what good qualities she might possess. all i see is cruelty, insensitivity, total lack of good taste & manners.

don't think i'd want to let my kids think they should allow others to treat them this way either, just because the person says they are a friend. kids are always watching & learning lessons from what they observe us & our acquaintances do (whether we are aware of it or not).

you've got to deal with this in the way you are most comfortable (and will allow you to sleep without guilt). Personally, i think i'd send a brief note stating that i want no further contact (goodbye, have a nice life). and then stick to it, don't accept calls, etc.

the only thing you didn't mention, with such a long time friend are your family and hers close, so that "breaking up" with her is impractical, because the families still get together? that would be the only reason i might try to salvage any relationship, and i still would cut back & limit contact with her. good luck. even if all the reasons to cut contact are right, it can still be hard. wishing you the best.

labreemike

wow thats worse than her friends comment. back in october my daughter then 7 saw me failing miserbly at jumping rope. she said i love it when old people exercise. i handed her the rope and said lets see you do it. she was jumping rope like rocky. i thought it was pretty funny though.

labreemike

sorry that was to brianjessica

30togomoveit

To answer the ? about her and my family being close? No, it's just her and her Dad (her Mom passed away 15 yrs ago). If I saw her Dad out and about, we would chat but we don't go out to dinner or whatever, together! So that is not an issue.

My sister knows her quite well b/c we have been friends my whole life (pretty much) and b/c they have worked in the same place together. My sister (like most people in my life....my BFF, my hubby, any other friends/family) do not care for her. Not just b/c of the things they have heard her say to me but b/c of her personality.

On another note, she can be very caring (works @ Hospice) and helpful. She has helped me a lot thru the yrs w/ watching the kids for me while I go to an appointment or dog sitting for us. I have not asked her for her help lately b/c of my feelings lately. I would have felt like a hypocrite asking for help but then complaining about her so I have not asked her much in the past yr or so.

But the rude comments outweigh the help she is willing to offer to me & my family. I can't get past the comments anymore!