feeling down after visit from in-laws
hist_doc
Posts: 206 Member
I'm posting this because I am feeling really down and I needed to rant. My in-laws were here this past week, and like every other time they're here, my MIL felt the need to constantly comment on my weight and size. She "never" does this when my husband is around, btw.
To provide some context, I am three months postpartum and I'm almost back to my regular size aside from the fact that I'm breastfeeding. I eat healthfully and I'm very athletic. She is overweight. I'm saying all of this purely for context.
Every time my MIL sees me she finds a way to bring into conversation that I am big-boned, broad, large, wide, etc. The thing is, 1) I never bring up my weight or size because I don't like talking about it!! and 2) I am none of those things. I fully appreciate that one cannot control frame size, and if I was wide or big-boned as she puts it, so be it, but her perception of me is just off. I'm 5'9" and I have a 27" waist (pre-pregnancy it was 25"). I wear a size small or medium depending on the cut. All of my jeans are size 27 or 28 (waist size) and I don't wear tight clothing. Since when is size 28 jeans at 5'9" big-boned or wide? And what the heck does that even mean? Fine, I'm fairly tall at 5'9" and there's nothing I can do about it! And why, oh why, would you comment on a woman's body when she "just" kitten had a baby?
To top it off, she made her critical remarks about my body right in front of my ten-year-old son and immediately followed it up with a comment about her 11-year-old granddaughter (from her other son), saying that she's "so glad she is slim and slim-hipped like her dad and not wide like her mother." I replied by pointing out that the 11-year-old "hasn't gone through puberty yet and hey, we were all skinny at age 11!" My husband recently bought me a beautiful statement ring for my birthday and I wore it for the first time out to dinner that same evening with them. My husband was so happy that I had worn it, and she immediately pointed out that "you need to really large hands to be able to wear that" and that she couldn't "because her hands are so tiny."
I know I should brush it off but I have a history of ED and have been clinically diagnosed with BDD (and spent years in therapy for both issues). I couldn't sleep last because my skin was crawling over this and I was so upset. I just don't get it. I would never point out something about someone's size.
okay, end of rant.
edited to clarify
To provide some context, I am three months postpartum and I'm almost back to my regular size aside from the fact that I'm breastfeeding. I eat healthfully and I'm very athletic. She is overweight. I'm saying all of this purely for context.
Every time my MIL sees me she finds a way to bring into conversation that I am big-boned, broad, large, wide, etc. The thing is, 1) I never bring up my weight or size because I don't like talking about it!! and 2) I am none of those things. I fully appreciate that one cannot control frame size, and if I was wide or big-boned as she puts it, so be it, but her perception of me is just off. I'm 5'9" and I have a 27" waist (pre-pregnancy it was 25"). I wear a size small or medium depending on the cut. All of my jeans are size 27 or 28 (waist size) and I don't wear tight clothing. Since when is size 28 jeans at 5'9" big-boned or wide? And what the heck does that even mean? Fine, I'm fairly tall at 5'9" and there's nothing I can do about it! And why, oh why, would you comment on a woman's body when she "just" kitten had a baby?
To top it off, she made her critical remarks about my body right in front of my ten-year-old son and immediately followed it up with a comment about her 11-year-old granddaughter (from her other son), saying that she's "so glad she is slim and slim-hipped like her dad and not wide like her mother." I replied by pointing out that the 11-year-old "hasn't gone through puberty yet and hey, we were all skinny at age 11!" My husband recently bought me a beautiful statement ring for my birthday and I wore it for the first time out to dinner that same evening with them. My husband was so happy that I had worn it, and she immediately pointed out that "you need to really large hands to be able to wear that" and that she couldn't "because her hands are so tiny."
I know I should brush it off but I have a history of ED and have been clinically diagnosed with BDD (and spent years in therapy for both issues). I couldn't sleep last because my skin was crawling over this and I was so upset. I just don't get it. I would never point out something about someone's size.
okay, end of rant.
edited to clarify
1
Replies
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I had a boss who was like that. she would pretend she was talking about herself, when in reality she was jabbing at me (you known how girls do that nonsense- double talk!) so I got sick of it and was like "well, it does make you jolly." she stopped talking about weight around me after that.
You could try to make a joke about it, pretend she's being sarcastic and just laugh at her.
And you could say things like: "I know, so many people are jealous of my curves." or "well more of me to love" or "us big girls gotta stick together-right?"
or just ignore her and when she tries to get your attention say "oh, sorry, thought you were talking to yourself".
If she don't like it well, too bad, she shouldn't be a jerk to you in the first place.6 -
She's a passive aggressive *kitten*. Take whatever she says in that light.4
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She's projecting. If you know she is going to be like this, you need to learn to either ignore her or not be in the room with her when your husband isn't around.
I am of the more direct/snarky sort (which isn't always the best) but can be effective sometimes. So with the ring thing, I probably would have popped off how it was a good thing no one gave her that ring, then.
She sounds like a deeply unhappy person, with herself and probably her life as a whole. You are probably viewed as major competition for her son's affection, and you are what she is not - tall, thin (assuming the size 27 or 28 is in inches, not numerical size).
Figure out how to brush it off and stop letting it affect you so much. Perhaps a therapist can give you some coping suggestions to incorporate.
Don't let her issues become yours.6 -
Wow, sounds like she's got serious issues. I like the responses @JillianRumrill posted above. Those would probably throw her off! She wouldn't know how to respond.
All I know is I wouldn't tolerate the comments and would address her directly and non-emotionally. Relative or not, rude behavior is not excused. But, that's up to you.
However you choose to handle it, do NOT let it take you back down the road you've already left behind.2 -
sparklyglitterbomb wrote: »
She sounds like a deeply unhappy person, with herself and probably her life as a whole. You are probably viewed as major competition for her son's affection, and you are what she is not - tall, thin (assuming the size 27 or 28 is in inches, not numerical size).
yes, size 27/28 (waist size) jeans.1 -
My MIL has never (to my knowledge) made comments about my appearance/weight, but she used to make snarky nasty little comments to me (never in the presence of my husband). I'm the polar opposite of her viewpoints, religious affiliations, she's just very judgemental about EVERYTHING. She freaked out when my husband and I bought our house and moved in .
Unmarried... Her biggest worries seemed to be what would others think of her, that somehow she'd be judged. Forget that we're responsible people who at that age worked our butts off to buy a house. And we've never asked them for any type of financial help ever, because we didn't need it.
She even voiced several disapprovals about how we were planning our wedding despite that she (and father in-law) were not contributing a dime to said wedding, which was really a blessing in disguise because I'm sure they would have held it over our heads until the day they died.
My MIL is all about appearances. She never acts like this in front of other people, but she's very nasty behind closed doors. Some people think she's just 'so nice' and she has them fooled, but myself and my husband know better. It's not just me getting dumped on, they've even treated their own son horribly, being nasty and stirring up drama. My husband's sister is now divorced and her ex said he feels happy to be away from that trainwreck. (lol)
So it wasn't always just me, they treated the ex badly too. I assume she never felt that anybody was good enough for her children. She had a hard time cutting the cord with both often overstepping boundaries and interfering.
TL,DR:
My in-laws are toxic. I no longer speak to either.1 -
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I'm posting this because I am feeling really down and I needed to rant. My in-laws were here this past week, and like every other time they're here, my MIL felt the need to constantly comment on my weight and size. She "never" does this when my husband is around, btw.
To provide some context, I am three months postpartum and I'm almost back to my regular size aside from the fact that I'm breastfeeding. I eat healthfully and I'm very athletic. She is overweight. I'm saying all of this purely for context.
Every time my MIL sees me she finds a way to bring into conversation that I am big-boned, broad, large, wide, etc. The thing is, 1) I never bring up my weight or size because I don't like talking about it!! and 2) I am none of those things. I fully appreciate that one cannot control frame size, and if I was wide or big-boned as she puts it, so be it, but her perception of me is just off. I'm 5'9" and I have a 27" waist (pre-pregnancy it was 25"). I wear a size small or medium depending on the cut. All of my jeans are size 27 or 28 (waist size) and I don't wear tight clothing. Since when is size 28 jeans at 5'9" big-boned or wide? And what the heck does that even mean? Fine, I'm fairly tall at 5'9" and there's nothing I can do about it! And why, oh why, would you comment on a woman's body when she "just" kitten had a baby?
To top it off, she made her critical remarks about my body right in front of my ten-year-old son and immediately followed it up with a comment about her 11-year-old granddaughter (from her other son), saying that she's "so glad she is slim and slim-hipped like her dad and not wide like her mother." I replied by pointing out that the 11-year-old "hasn't gone through puberty yet and hey, we were all skinny at age 11!" My husband recently bought me a beautiful statement ring for my birthday and I wore it for the first time out to dinner that same evening with them. My husband was so happy that I had worn it, and she immediately pointed out that "you need to really large hands to be able to wear that" and that she couldn't "because her hands are so tiny."
I know I should brush it off but I have a history of ED and have been clinically diagnosed with BDD (and spent years in therapy for both issues). I couldn't sleep last because my skin was crawling over this and I was so upset. I just don't get it. I would never point out something about someone's size.
okay, end of rant.
edited to clarify
Her comments are about the fact that you and your SIL married her sons, even though she's (thinly) disguising them as size and weight focused. What does your husband say about this? Especially since you 1) just had a baby and 2) have a history of ED?1 -
Her comments are about the fact that you and your SIL married her sons, even though she's (thinly) disguising them as size and weight focused. What does your husband say about this? Especially since you 1) just had a baby and 2) have a history of ED?[/quote]
Thanks to everyone who has replied--I really appreciate the support. I'm beginning to agree with all of you in that this isn't about me but she's projecting for some reason.
you make an interesting point. My BIL was never married to his daughter's mom. However, my MIL also made comments about his new girlfriend's body, straight up calling her chubby. She actually said, "there's a word for her--it's chubby." (she also made comments about the girlfriend's 11-year-old daughter, calling her big-boned, and then comparing her to my niece aka the "slim" one). both comments came out of nowhere. I haven't met the new girlfriend aside from facetime conversations but I thought it was mean to make comments like that.
I haven't told my husband yet. they just left this morning and this week has been a whirlwind. He's usually very supportive but sometimes he defends his mom.
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You don't get it because it's not getable.
People are nuts. Sorry it's your MIL.3 -
I knew someone like this. Not weight, but equally inappropriate passive agressive digs about my sex life. Sorry you're having a rubbish time. And whilst I know it doesn't make it any easier the problem seems to be hers. Not yours. You're awesome.1
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Simply, F her. You are worthy of better. Ignore her or tell her not to speak to you that way in your home.2
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Just tell her it gets her son off. If she wants to be rude, be ruder.3
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Kind of think your husband should put his foot down with his mother. Eventually enough has to be enough, she sounds like an incredibly unhappy woman.3
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If you don't say anything she will keep doing it. Tell her straight she probably doesn't even realise what she's doing.3
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Your MIL is passive-aggressively bullying you. As I see it, you have two good options. IMO, the best way to deal with it is straightforward, but without aggression. "I don't like it when you make comments about my size or weight. Please stop." The phrasing matters; the 'please' softens the directness of the command. And it's important that it be phrased as a command. This is not a simple statement of preference ("I wish you would stop") or a request for something optional ("would you please?").
In almost a decade and a half of working with teenagers, I have yet to see this not work when a student faces down a bully this way. Bullies often to play it off as "oh I wasn't serious" or "I was just joking," etc. and in this case, there is no way for the bully to continue the behavior without it being obviously antagonistic.
The other option is to make sure that your husband knows that she's doing this, and tell him that you don't EVER want to be around her without him present. He darn well better support you in this.5 -
I have to disagree just slightly, and say she's being aggressive, not passive-aggressive. She's insecure, and deeply unhappy, and that's very apparent in the way she treats you. She doesn't want you to feel good about yourself, because she doesn't feel good about herself. I'm sorry that you have to deal with that, and I know how hurtful it can be.
Were I in your position, I'd have a talk with my husband about the way she treats me, and the specific things she's said. I would offer him the option to talk to her about it himself first, if he thought that could help. If this was happening to my husband, I would absolutely want to let the offender know that it was unacceptable, and the person might care more about respecting the wishes of the person they had the initial attachment to.
If he wasn't able to change the situation, or didn't want to try (huge red flag), then I'd absolutely speak up for myself in no uncertain terms, and make no apologies for it. Put it in a letter if you'd find it difficult, or if it would make you cry. Letting a bully see the hurt they cause pleases them. What she's saying would be abusive whether they were true or not, but it adds a thick layer of obviousness that none of this has anything to do with you because it's all patently false.
She's jealous, plain and simple. She wishes she had your body, and probably your life. Pity her, but don't let her belittle you, or take away from your happiness.
My heart goes out to you.
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Your mil is looking for a way to put you down/in your place. If it wasn't weight it would be parenting, how clean your house is, how you spend money, etc. She has issues that have nothing to do with reality.
You are not being sensitive just because you have a history of ED. Does she know your history?
I'd let your dh know how she is acting with you and how bad it is for you.
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Yes your husband absolutely should not allow this from his mother. Yes it is his mom but you are his wife and mother of his child.
You have every right to state matter of factly that your weight is none of her concern and that conversation is over. If she continues repeat yourself. If necessary state you will not tolerate her company and leave. Don't bother being polite. She isn't.
You have given her a grandchild. She should understand that you thus deserve a level of courtesy and respect or you are unlikely to have her see the baby.2 -
Work it out so that you do not have to see her much. When she talks, do not say much because no matter what you say, she will dig in and make the conversation worse.
Start having talks with your husband. He needs to eventually stand up to his mother and take your side.
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Your MIL is attempting to dominate you. You are letting her. You gave 3 choices. Continue to take her snark as meaningful, roll your eyes at it and blow it off or let her have it for being weight obsessed and rude.1
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I is about setting boundaries, communication with your husband and following through no matter how hard it is.
What I did:
My MIL was forever commenting on my weight and shape in a way that made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. In her mind women should be pretty only and weight is really the most important thing. (long story behind it all)
Anyway I spoke to my husband about it and he in turn talked to both his parents explaining I was simply not comfortable taking with them about my weight and MIL agreed to stop. However the very next time we were alone she started again from an ever so slightly different angle but I was really getting uncomfortable. SO I raised my voice so FIL and husband could hear and said: "What are you trying to say here, Wasn't there something you agreed upon as a topic being off limits. You agreed with FIL and my husband" I also got up and started walking toward the door and making it clear I was ready to walk out.
She of course went to the "but but" stages but after me taking another few steps toward the door she said 'Yes I agreed to that and I apologise". It is then that I sat down and after a few awkward minutes the conversations tarted flowing again.
My husband told me that he and his father had sat there with their breaths held but had sighed in relief and that he was proud of me for standing up. I told him I was halfway to the door and he simply said I would have walked out with you (love that guy).
My MIL has never ever brought it up again. All she will occasionally say is that I look amazing and that is fine with me.7
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