My mother passed away and, I've actually done pretty well

vegaslounge

About a month ago I posted a thread about how my mother was going through end-stage cancer and I was trying not to let it derail me.

Mom passed at 1:11pm the 1st of November (the 11th month). Being into symbols, numerology, and Halloween/Dios de los Muertos as our family is, I know this is exactly the time she wanted to go. Hers was not a pretty death. Cancer rarely is. She lingered weeks beyond what she wanted, and I dare say that anyone who opposes voluntary euthanasia has never held someone's hand as they were screaming for you to "help" them.

I felt shallow as Hell for trying to stick to my calories during this time, for trying to at least walk around the block. I was afraid that the moment I stepped out the door she would stop breathing. I've basically lived on microwave burritos and Celeste pizza for a month. My brothers, father and I have been essentially non-stop pounding booze for the last week. It's like the most depressing frat house ever.

But, God help me, I've been good. I'm up from 157 to 163, but logically I know a lot of that is sodium from my recent diet. And booze. Which I am trying to cut down on (the frat-house mourning period with Dad and my brothers can only go so long before hangovers interfere with work).

I was actually terrified that I'd just say "feck it, eat everything and anything you want!" but damn it, I've been strong enough to keep my food scale in my overnight bag. I've done okay. I'm doing okay. This hurts like Hell and it always will, but I know Mom would kick my *kitten* if I threw all my effort away because of this.

Probably shouldn't have posted in this forum, but "Motivation & Support" is just so grossly self-indulgent.

Love,
Zelda

crackpotbaby

Sorry to hear of your family’s suffering and grief.

.....

Sometimes proving you can still make good decisions during crisis will make you recognise how strong you are.

callsitlikeiseeit

Im so sorry for your loss

JeromeBarry1

She raised you to be strong. Good woman.

Lounmoun

That's pretty hard.
My mom died of cancer also a few years ago just after Christmas. I probably cried at least once a day every day for a year. There is always a hole but it hurts less over time.
I found focusing on routine things helped me get through it more than breaking down and saying *kitten* it. Routine can be soothing.
It isn't shallow to think about your diet or weight loss and trying to return to normal life right now anymore than it is to do anything else.
It takes time to grieve and there are many stages. Take care of yourself.

MegaMooseEsq

Taking care of yourself isn't shallow. I'm so sorry for you and your family's loss.

Hamsibian

So sorry for your loss. It's not selfish or shallow to take care of yourself. I bet your mom would have wanted to make sure you are going to be okay and healthy. There will be a lot of time to grieve and changes will happen, so continuing some sort of familiar routine demonstrates resilience. My heart goes out to you

nutmegoreo

I am sorry for your loss. I am also so sorry that you mom suffered. It is horrifying to watch. Continuing to take care of yourself is an amazing thing. People often forget to do that when caring for a loved one, but they need to see you continue to care for yourself. I think that shows amazing character, and would make your mom so proud. Continue to take care of yourself.

iamthemotherofdogs

I'm so proud of you! And so sorry for your loss. But holy incredible balance, to go through something like that and still take care of yourself.

Mrsrobinsoncl

I'm sorry for your loss, I lost my mother to cancer the day after Mothers day 2016. The months following were a fog, she had been battling cancer but had been doing relatively well and had a doctors appointment the week before where her numbers were better than they had been in years. She passed peacefully in her sleep after spending a day with her kids and grandkids. It is hard to take care of yourself when you have been spending all your time caring for others, I spent a lot of time with my dad after she passed. Most weekends and any days off I traveled the hour to their house and spent with him. I am finally feeling like I am getting myself back under control, I didn't gain a lot of weight but I ate junk and felt like junk.

Feel free to add me as a friend, message me if you just need someone to vent to

pinuplove

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother, but well done in taking care of yourself! Speaking as a mother, we invest so many hours, years, tears, and seemingly endless effort into the well-being and happiness of our children. I can't imagine that she'd have wanted anything less for you during her final days.

sdolan91

Your other post made me tear up, but this is so great. You are very strong.

fitoverfortymom

I remember your post from last month. I'm sorry to hear about your mom.

middlehaitch

((((( )))), h.

alyssagb1

Very sorry for your loss.

darlibby

Sorry your mother went through this and you and the family had to watch. I can’t imagine what kind of toll that would take on me. You are a stronger person than me, continue the good work.