The high of losing so much weight and doing well to the low of failing AGAIN: depression, lost child

Losingthedamnweight

For my entire adult life i was fat. And not just chubby or a little bit of love handles, i mean FAT to the point where i was ashamed to be seen in public, to where it kept me from what could have been amazing experiences (talking to people and going out and doing things) and to where I don’t even have a lot of pictures of myself and my daughter growing up. That very thought makes me want to cry because she’s 13 now and looking back, we only have a handfull of pictures together. For all of my 20’s i struggled and tried to lose it and failed over and over again in a terrible cycle that only left me feeling defeated and depressed.

Last year i finally got myself together and took it seriously. I calorie counted like a boss on my fitness pal and my Apple Watch + my gym membership were what kept me active. I was on a roll and got down to the lowest weight id ever been in my adult life. And it was the happiest I’ve ever felt. For the first time ever, i could go to the store and actually try on clothes that i looked good in! People at work commented on how much thinner i looked and that i looked amazing and with all that confidence, i went after what i wanted in life and got the girl of my dreams (who has since moved in and i’m still with! Getting married next year)

But over the last few months anxiety and depression got to me. I became over sensitive about everything and overthinking led me to becoming a very worried/upset person a good part of the time. I slowly stopped going to the gym, clung to food for short periods of happiness and completely lost myself. Now I’m even heavier than I was when I started going to the gym and the whole situation is embarrassing because everybody has seen me fail. My coworkers who used to comment on how thin i looked don’t comment anymore and i can almost see this look in their eyes that says “what happened to him?” As if they’re probably gossiping, my daughter who i used to take to the gym for “daddy and daughter day” stops asking me to take her to the gym because i started saying no and i can tell she probably feels a certain way about me gaining it back and its just...sad to think about where i was last year and how i am now compared to them. You’re supposed to do better as time goes on. Not worse!

My fiancée (that girl of my dreams i mentioned) got some good news a month ago that we were pregnant and I couldn’t have been more excited. On a daily basis, we both planned out how our lives would be from this day forward and how we’re building our family and it all seemed to come together in such a beautiful way. Then at our first appointment when we had a sonogram done, the nurse couldn’t find a heartbeat and we knew that the future we had been planning on wouldn’t happen. She had a miscarriage and that effected us both so much. I was doing whatever i could to support her and give her love while not even taking care of myself and i piled on a few more pounds trying to get through it.

And thats where i am. And here I am at 5 ‘o clock in the morning before the sun is even up with my gym bag packed getting ready to go to the gym with tears in my eyes. I hope this day will be better than the last and i hope it will lead to many more days of me actually getting back to what i used to be. Wish me luck guys

Shellz31

I'm sorry you went through that. Don't feel embarrassed for backsliding. You're only human. Wishing you the best!

snowflake954

Please get some counseling for your depression--it's affecting your life and relationships. After the blow you've taken, I think you need someone to talk to. Keep going to the gym, and keep up your contacts. Don't worry about other people, do things because you want to. You can pull out of this, but it won't go away, or stay away, on it's own. The very best of luck to you, and condolances on the loss of your child.

pizzafruit

I am so sorry for your loss. I'm in the same boat as you, I just can't seem to beat this depression thing. The important thing is that we're still here putting one foot in front of the other. I wish you happiness and success.

karahunts

snowflake954 wrote: »

Please get some counseling for your depression--it's affecting your life and relationships. After the blow you've taken, I think you need someone to talk to. Keep going to the gym, and keep up your contacts. Don't worry about other people, do things because you want to. You can pull out of this, but it won't go away, or stay away, on it's own. The very best of luck to you, and condolances on the loss of your child.

I agree about counseling. Although I have not experienced the same type of loss, I do battle with depression and anxiety and it really helps to have someone to talk to without any fear of judgment or feeling like a burden to anyone. I just use my employer EAP and it helps a lot with no cost to me. Regardless, if that's not something you wish to do, you are still on the right track. Wishing you the best of luck and success with your goals.

stanmann571

Losingthedamnweight wrote: »

For my entire adult life i was fat. And not just chubby or a little bit of love handles, i mean FAT to the point where i was ashamed to be seen in public, to where it kept me from what could have been amazing experiences (talking to people and going out and doing things) and to where I don’t even have a lot of pictures of myself and my daughter growing up. That very thought makes me want to cry because she’s 13 now and looking back, we only have a handfull of pictures together. For all of my 20’s i struggled and tried to lose it and failed over and over again in a terrible cycle that only left me feeling defeated and depressed.

Last year i finally got myself together and took it seriously. I calorie counted like a boss on my fitness pal and my Apple Watch + my gym membership were what kept me active. I was on a roll and got down to the lowest weight id ever been in my adult life. And it was the happiest I’ve ever felt. For the first time ever, i could go to the store and actually try on clothes that i looked good in! People at work commented on how much thinner i looked and that i looked amazing and with all that confidence, i went after what i wanted in life and got the girl of my dreams (who has since moved in and i’m still with! Getting married next year)

But over the last few months anxiety and depression got to me. I became over sensitive about everything and overthinking led me to becoming a very worried/upset person a good part of the time. I slowly stopped going to the gym, clung to food for short periods of happiness and completely lost myself. Now I’m even heavier than I was when I started going to the gym and the whole situation is embarrassing because everybody has seen me fail. My coworkers who used to comment on how thin i looked don’t comment anymore and i can almost see this look in their eyes that says “what happened to him?” As if they’re probably gossiping, my daughter who i used to take to the gym for “daddy and daughter day” stops asking me to take her to the gym because i started saying no and i can tell she probably feels a certain way about me gaining it back and its just...sad to think about where i was last year and how i am now compared to them. You’re supposed to do better as time goes on. Not worse!

My fiancée (that girl of my dreams i mentioned) got some good news a month ago that we were pregnant and I couldn’t have been more excited. On a daily basis, we both planned out how our lives would be from this day forward and how we’re building our family and it all seemed to come together in such a beautiful way. Then at our first appointment when we had a sonogram done, the nurse couldn’t find a heartbeat and we knew that the future we had been planning on wouldn’t happen. She had a miscarriage and that effected us both so much. I was doing whatever i could to support her and give her love while not even taking care of myself and i piled on a few more pounds trying to get through it.

And thats where i am. And here I am at 5 ‘o clock in the morning before the sun is even up with my gym bag packed getting ready to go to the gym with tears in my eyes. I hope this day will be better than the last and i hope it will lead to many more days of me actually getting back to what i used to be. Wish me luck guys

Been there.

1. Hold tight to your family, Be stronger together, but don't be afraid to be weak/vulnerable together. Nobody outside knows exactly what you're going through like the people you're walking through it with. Don't be afraid to speak of the child who is gone. If it helps, name him/her, and commemorate the date of the loss. Having the pain on the surface can allow you to identify warning signs of worsening depression, etc, that bottling it up and burying can conceal until it explodes.
2. Press on. Love her. Let her love you. Let her know that you hurt, and that you know that she is hurting.
3. Power through, as soon as you are able, get back on the horse and back to the routine. Exercise/training and eating. But, don't beat yourself up for lapses while you're getting back up.

debtay123

ITA about the couseling for depression- sometimes in spite of ALL we do to survie- we may need some medicine or some advice that only a counselor/therapist can give. I too have suffered with depression and it can be crippling- All the best!!!! PS exercise did help me some- but be careful not to just exercise and suppress your real emotions-

Oma827

I send best wishes and positive energy as you move forward. Your last paragraph shows your determination - packed and ready for the gym to take that first step back to better health. Hurray for you!

EEAngelina

Look forward not back, you can do this!

Aaron_K123

I'm sorry you have had such a rough time as of late, depression is a very difficult thing to deal with and very personal so it is hard to give meaningful advice. I'll just say that you shouldn't look back at your past success as failure...it was success, which means something important...it means you know what it takes to succeed and even more you know that you can succeed. That doesn't mean it will be easy to get yourself in the mindset you need to be in to get back there but now you know its possible and you know what works so you know what needs to be done. Look to loved ones for support and recognize that you have loved ones. Make a list of the things you truly value then think about doing it for yourself so you can be fully present for those things you value.

Success isn't something that is guaranteed, you have to work for it...but you have an advantage, you have proof that you can succeed and you have trod that path before and have it all mapped out. Just need to retrace your steps man. Good luck.

kb1927

I can't speak much to the depression, but my first daughter was stillborn over seven years ago. Those losses really shake you. Something that's helped me (although, with 5 pregnancies since then, not with weight loss) has been to find meaning in our loss of her, if that makes sense. I try to find ways to "parent" her even through the loss. My six year old gets it even better than I do: he asked if we could celebrate her birthday this year by giving presents to a kid who was the age she'd be and didn't have much. I track steps and mileage with a Fitbit or Garmin and have kind of a personal tally of what I think of as "extra"--steps/miles to represent ones she would have taken. I think I figured out once that I'll hit my goal when I'm 64, which seems like an appropriate commitment to give to a child, if not a little too little.

nowine4me

I’m sorry for your loss. If the gym isn’t in the cars for you right now, start by getting outside and walking. Not only will you burn some calories, it may very well help your anxiety and depression. Then work with your girlfriend on planning meals that you can cook and enjoy together. It’s really a series of small steps that lead to big change.

EEAngelina

Just to clarify when I said “ Look forward not back”, I meant even if you had success in past you can’t look back and beat yourself up now etc. etc, EVERYDAY is a new day, look to your new bright future!! God Bless.

EEAngelina

Also I read your post earlier, I know you said your depressed. You might need to be treated. I suffer from depression. It’s not a weakness or excuse or shameful. It’s a lack of serotonin in your brain. Your not alone, God Bless

shamrock741

So sorry for your loss. But so happy for your success ! You can do it ! You did it before which in its self is awesome love your family and let them be there for you to support you. Even your friends at work are there to support you ! We are our own worst enemy! Good luck!!

GemstoneofHeart

Counseling is an amazing resource that can do wonderful things. Please consider it. It can feel like a burden having to make appointments and go in, but it is one of the best things I have done for myself.
Take care, you’ve been through a lot

blambo61

Wish you the best! Do seek out help and keep trying!

Lillymoo01

I am in tears reading your post. The heartache of losing a child, even while in pregnancy is very real. I lost my first child mid pregnancy and my second at the age of 16. While I can not understand the pain you are going through as we are all different, I understand that you are grieving. A parent should never have to bury their child.
I coped by looking after me. I started walking, a lot. It was the best therapy for my grief, anxiety and depression. I started slowly changing my diet, one healthy step at a time rather than all at once and made changes I knew I could sustain, well into maintenance. I am now at a healthy weight for the first time in my adult life and fitter than I have ever been. Doing all of this has not taken away my sadness. Nothing will do that. It has just helped me cope better with the situation I have been placed in. I'd also highly recommend counselling. If there is a support group for stillbirth and neonatal death that would be helpful. You would then not be so alone with your grief. Individual counselling would also be of benefit as you were suffering well before the tragic loss of your child.
Just take it one step at a time and always remember that you can do this.

midlomel1971

I'm so sorry about everything you are going through. I'm sure you've been told this, but miscarriages are very common. Most women have had them...most not even realizing they were pregnant. I know it doesn't take the pain away, but it doesn't mean that the future y'all have been planning isn't going to happen. It will just happen on a different timeline. If she got pregnant once, she can get pregnant again.

You have so much going for you and you are so much stronger than you will ever know.

brittneyalley

I just wanted to comment and say I understand. Please feel free to message me. I experienced a loss of my own this past August. I lost my 8 week old twins (by miscarriage). I was devastated, and that's actually why I started my journey. It's been so hard on me, because I know the chance of having twins again is almost 0... I had always wanted twins, and then they were taken from me. It still hurts to this day. I'm so sorry for your loss.

jgnatca

You are going to make a great dad. You are so ready for it.

Parenting, just like dieting, is full of pitfalls and failures. Yet the little tykes grow up in spite of us.

I am impressed that you are reaching out and speaking out. The first step in recovery.